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[marginalia]

Ever since I started on the TT last year, I suffer from horrible anxiety. I used to get anxious before from time to time but nothing like this. There are days when I am literally shaking, cannot sleep, or say ridiculous things because I am so anxious. I am afraid my department will fire me (!). I am afraid my colleagues dislike me. I am teaching a new course I am not qualified to teach. Enrollments are too low. Enrollments are too high. I am a bad teacher. My article will be rejected. I don't produce enough research.

None of this is real. I have a great publication record for my level. Just this week I received three invitations to give invited talks at well-known institutions. There are three articles and a book in the pipeline and I am excited about my research. While I am a somewhat unorganized teacher, I had surprisingly great evaluations last year (but yeah, I was afraid to look at my evaluations because I was sure they would be horrible). For the record I also had great evaluations as a TA at Alma Mater. The course I am not qualified to teach... I taught one of those last year and it went fine, so maybe this course will also be fine.

As for colleagues liking me, this is a very friendly department and colleagues have no reason to dislike me (unless I convince them that yes, they should). I am not antisocial. I have made friends here, some of them in my department, some in other departments (plus two librarians).

So even though I know that my anxiety is probably not justified, I cannot overcome it. Advice?

[msparticularity]

My experience is that emotional anxiety and the physical symptoms of anxiety can become mutually reinforcing. When I get anxious I get nauseated and/or a sort of knot in my stomach, which then feeds my sense that something really is wrong, which of course makes things worse, and so on. Also, once I'm in this state then genuinely physical stuff (a stomach virus) will also massively feed the cycle. My current approach is to try to deal with the physical, since I can only reason with myself once I've calmed down a little. Long, exhausting walks and very soothing baths are my current faves.

[voxprincipalis]

Ever since I started on the TT last year, I suffer from horrible anxiety. I used to get anxious before from time to time but nothing like this. There are days when I am literally shaking, cannot sleep, or say ridiculous things because I am so anxious.

<snip>

So even though I know that my anxiety is probably not justified, I cannot overcome it. Advice?

Not in any ranked order:

1. Therapy.

2. Medication.

3. Meditation.

VP

[hapax]

Ever since I started on the TT last year, I suffer from horrible anxiety. I used to get anxious before from time to time but nothing like this. There are days when I am literally shaking, cannot sleep, or say ridiculous things because I am so anxious.

<snip>

So even though I know that my anxiety is probably not justified, I cannot overcome it. Advice?

Not in any ranked order:

1. Therapy.

2. Medication.

3. Meditation.

VP

4. Exercise.

5. Chocolate.

I highly recommend looking into CBT (cognitive-behavioral therapy). Your description of your negative thought processes and worries are exactly the sort of thing CBT is intended for. Basically, the therapist walks you through learning to identify your negative thought patterns, addressing them, recognizing their false bases - you've already begun to do this by counteracting the negative thought ("I don't produce enough research") with proof to the contrary ("There are three articles and a book in the pipeline...") - and then beginning to break out of the vicious cycle of negative thoughts, feelings, and behaviors (i.e., the shaking). One thing my therapist had me do was fill out worksheets which involved rating my current state of emotion, writing down the offending thought, listing refutations of the negative thought, and then rating my emotional state after finishing the worksheet. Sometimes you just need that kind of structure to get through it. Otherwise - especially with anxiety since it has such unpleasant negative physical conditioning - you just end up panicking and worrying you'll never get better.

http://www.cognitivebehaviourtherapy.org.uk/ has a good intro to the approach, including self-help guides. I'd suggest reading both the sections on anxiety and depression, since the depression section includes a good description of typical negative thinking styles. Finding out that all the stupid thoughts I couldn't get out of my head ("I'm a failure," "nobody likes me," that sort of thing) were actually so common that they fell into standard categories went a long way toward combating them.

[llanfair]

Not to short-sell CBT - but if you're comfortable with the idea of medication, any of the SSRI class are very good at stopping the spinning wheel of anxiety.  I was nearly paralysed by it for years; when I started on Paxil, I was, quite literally, a new woman.  I also found that, freed of that anxiety, I was much more productive.

YMMV.  But good luck to you, and ((((HUGS)))) - I know what you're feeling, and it's no fun at all.

[hapax]

Not to short-sell CBT - but if you're comfortable with the idea of medication, any of the SSRI class are very good at stopping the spinning wheel of anxiety.  I was nearly paralysed by it for years; when I started on Paxil, I was, quite literally, a new woman.  I also found that, freed of that anxiety, I was much more productive.

YMMV.  But good luck to you, and ((((HUGS)))) - I know what you're feeling, and it's no fun at all.

Although we considered it, I didn't go on any SSRIs for various reasons. I have several friends who have been on them and have reported good results. The psychiatrist did suggest that I try taking a supplement with Omega-3 fatty acids (fish oil or flaxseed oil), as they may help in cases of anxiety and depression. I did start to feel better after starting it; it may have just been the therapy finally kicking in, but at least anecdotally I would say it's worth a try.

[llanfair]

Oh, agreed - SSRIs (and medication in general) aren't for everyone.  I just put it out there in case the OP was wondering about how people found them.

[marginalia]

Thank you everybody for your replies.

I was in therapy this year with a therapist who came highly recommended. I wanted to try CBT, having heard about it, and this therapist did not do CBT. I should have kept looking, but she really was a great therapist. However, just talking did not help. I don't need more self-knowledge - I know what's wrong, and just want to fix it. In May I left my therapist with the idea that I would specifically go looking for a CBT therapist, but never got around to it. After reading your replies I made a phonecall - let's see what happens. There are very few CBT practitioners in this town, and I don't have time to regularly go elsewhere.

I am not comfortable with medication at this point, although I am curious about it, due to being desperate. I will try the fish oil supplement.

[msparticularity]

My own coping mechanisms draw very largely from CBT, although I've never had formal therapy in it. As I mentioned before, I get very physical symptoms to go with all the mental craziness. My technique for the past few years has been to stop and think to myself, "Okay, is there anything going on here that is potentially real, where I'm getting an intuitive sense that something is truly wrong, and where I really need to pay attention to this?" Often I get someone to process through this with me to check my thinking. If--as very often happens--the answer is, "not really," then I go on to Phase B, which is Act As If. In my case, Act As If I am a normal person who has just had a stressful day and who needs to unwind a bit.

[puella]

This is what I started doing this year (I'm not sure if any of it actually helped, but I do know I've gotten better at stopping the anxiety from taking over):

-taking Vitamin B(s)
-cutting caffeine (well...I DID...and now I can only work at coffee shops.Oh well)
-sleeping more/better; because I've struggled with insomnia as well, this was difficult. I sometimes take/drink tea containing Valerian root. Again, I'm not sure if it ACTUALLY helps.
-of course, just trying to figure out whatever I think is causing the bout of anxiety and solving it (difficult)

[marginalia]

My own coping mechanisms draw very largely from CBT, although I've never had formal therapy in it. As I mentioned before, I get very physical symptoms to go with all the mental craziness. My technique for the past few years has been to stop and think to myself, "Okay, is there anything going on here that is potentially real, where I'm getting an intuitive sense that something is truly wrong, and where I really need to pay attention to this?" Often I get someone to process through this with me to check my thinking. If--as very often happens--the answer is, "not really," then I go on to Phase B, which is Act As If. In my case, Act As If I am a normal person who has just had a stressful day and who needs to unwind a bit.

Msparticularity, I also get very physical symptoms (like shaking/nausea/tightness in the gut, etc). I'll try your technique! Thanks!

Puella, strangely enough before I started the job I drank almost no coffee, now I drink it non-stop... increased amounts of caffeine probably contribute, but without it I am just so sleepy... I don't sleep well. It's like a vicious circle. :(

Also - how/why does vitamin B help?

[puella]

I understand the caffeine thing exactly, marginalia. It's pretty much the same with me. :)

I'm not sure where I first read it, but sometimes anxiety can be a symptom of a vitamin B-complex deficiency, apparently. Taking the vitamins seems to have helped, but again, I'm uncertain. I've stopped taking them regularly enough, and am also starting to suffer from anxiety a bit. Of course, I might just have more to stress about with the summer ending.

I *hate* those physical symptoms. Can be very frightening and I usually don't have the presence of mind to stop myself to think like that.

[prephd]

Here's what's worked for me: a combination of exercise, limiting caffeine, increasing Omega-3s, and a low dosage of Buspar. It's non-addictive and has worked well for me.

[msparticularity]

Here's what's worked for me: a combination of exercise, limiting caffeine, increasing Omega-3s, and a low dosage of Buspar. It's non-addictive and has worked well for me.

Ah, Buspar left me comatose--almost literally. (I could respond if vigorously shaken.) I was one of those "extremely rare side-effect" reports to the FDA just after it was released.

[lenniel]

I'm so sorry you are having to cope with this, and as a fellow sufferer of serious anxiety, I can relate.  I had never heard of the fish oil thing - thanks, hapax!

I've done a lot of different things to control my anxiety over the years, including medication, but I decided to stop the medication years ago.  (Made me too fuzzy, and then I was tired and anxious)  Exercise and cutting back on caffeine were a huge help, but also some techniques similar to what ms_particularity recommends above.

One thing that helps a lot is what I call the "worst case scenario" game.  It has the effect of showing what is realistic and what is not, plus can help turn the anxiety around into humor.  If I am really crawling the walls, it helps every time.

Here is how it works:

You are in your office, worrying about that comment you just made to a colleague and the article you are about to publish.  Will they hate you because you didn't like the book they just recommended?  Editors have decided you are a moron?  The anxiety climbs, and then you play the game.

1.  What is the worst thing that could happen?  Your colleagues start snubbing you, the editor sends a big post card with the words "No Way" about the article, etc.  Sometimes, it helps to get silly.  Add an alien invasion, zombie attack or rioting students into the mix.  Think of how you would cope.  At this point, ask yourself - is this really likely?  And if you think the answer is yes, ask the crucial question:  what would I do?  Would I survive?  Absolutely.  Could I move on?  Yes.  The answer is always yes.


Often, I find that if I also remind myself of what I have that is really good, it puts the game into perspective as well.  Having gratitude for simple things reminds me that the things I am anxious about are perhaps not that big.

Keep up with the talk therapy, if it helps - sometimes hearing ourselves say things about our fears out loud goes far in dispersing them.  I also did cognitive therapy at one point, and it was indeed helpful.