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[marigolds]

I'm wondering how those of you who seem to be adept at this skill - not taking things personally, not pinning one's expectations, emotional or otherwise, on another - have achieved it. (Im thinking in particular of Naan and VP, but anyone is, of course, welcome to weigh in.) I struggle so much with this, and would love to know how to get beyond the (both unproductive and, frankly, deeply egoistic) knee-jerk response of thinking that every interaction has reference to my emotional state, my interiority.

Sigh. Thanks in advance for any help.

[tinyzombie]

Oh man. Replying for the updates, since I could've written your post, marigolds.

[larryc]

It comes from bitter experience.

Also it comes from having other good and healthy things in your life. "My chair is pissed at me but my kids are growing up well-adjusted, my book is getting decent reviews, and my strawberries are coming in extra sweet this year. I guess the chair will get over it." Stuff like that.

[erzuliefreda]

It helps to have relatively low expectations.

[normative_]

Exactly what LarryC said.

Jaded is the free association word that comes to mind when I look at bitter experience. 

Yeah, yeah, you hate me and/or my values. Take a number.
 

[noof_]

Exactly what LarryC said.

Jaded is the free association word that comes to mind when I look at bitter experience.  

Yeah, yeah, you hate me and/or my values. Take a number.
 

Ha! What normative said.

It helps to know when you must say, back off.

Noof
<wondering whether the new and *improved* site has an Ignore button.>

[biomancer]

Exactly what LarryC said.

Jaded is the free association word that comes to mind when I look at bitter experience. 

Yeah, yeah, you hate me and/or my values. Take a number.
 

Yes - often coupled with the silent thought of 'I should give a $h!+ about your opinion WHY?'

OK, that's a little harder when the criticizer is your dean, telling you the things you need to work on if you want a whelk's chance in a supernova of getting tenure.  But most stuff isn't that important, and you can just let the criticism go because you know deep in your heart that the criticizer is an <asshat, buttmonkey, idiot, fool, other derogatory term of your choosing>.

[mondamay]

Oh man. Replying for the updates, since I could've written your post, marigolds.

All in favor.
Aye

[t_r_b]

Yeah, yeah, you hate me and/or my values. Take a number.

Actually, if someone actually hates you as a person, it is entirely appropriate to take that personally. The trick is distinguishing between "this person hates me" and "this person just savaged my manuscript."

Oh man. Replying for the updates, since I could've written your post, marigolds.

All in favor.
Aye

Yeah, me too.

[geonerd]

The search engine in the new CHE design isn't any better, so I can't find the wise forumite who originally said the following.  Ask yourself if the person venting at you and whatever problem they are venting about is in the top 10 list of things that truly concern you.  If it is, then focus on the action necessary to solve the problem.  If not, then don't spend another minute worrying about it.  My own 2-cents- teach Introductory Anything For New Freshmen for one year. It's a great way to thicken one's skin.

[marigolds]

Well, you are all totally awesome, but I'm having the trouble more in my personal life than my professional life.  For some reason, it's pretty easy for me to not take things personally at work, but in my home relationships (you know, mom, husband, all the usual suspects) it's really, really hard not to read in a bunch of wacky stuff to small comments that they swear up and down was not intended.  

[antiphon1]

What everyone else said.  

You learn that work is a necessary and good part of life, but not your whole life.  Any criticism is usually a snapshot of whatever you did or didn't do as the action slots into the critic's stream of awareness.  In other words, you may have stepped on whomever's last nerve on that day at that moment because that's what he or she chooses to care about.  So what?  Go home.  Take a walk, talk to your significant others, do something meaningless....or meaningful if you're in the mood.  Tomorrow that person will probably have something else or someone else to focus on.  If that person doesn't let it go, tell them ever so politely to back off.  

Sigh.

What can I say?  You can't read people's minds.  You can't please everyone.  And you sure can't anticipate the response to your every move.  The only thing you can control is your own attitude.  Don't let the Debbie Downers of the world ruin your day.
 

On review, the same advice applies to your family.

[oseph]

I think for myself, I take things personally, at least with MIL, because I want her to know that she isn't as scrumdidliumptious as she thinks she is.  If I stop and ask myself why I care about that, I think it's because I have some sort of weirdly-developed sense of justice.  Actually I don't give a rat's badonkadonk about what MIL thinks of me.  I just find her overcompensation for her insecurities annoying and intrusive.  So I take everything personally when it has nothing to do with me, really.  Anyway, I think there are two types of people who take things personally - those who take perceived criticisms to heart and indulge in self-loathing, and those who get their bristles up at perceived insults and want the other guy to know that he ain't such great shakes himself.  I'm type two.

[tolerantly]

Well, I had it beaten into me early on.  I can still remember sitting in the adult painting class, age eight, and watching the teacher paint all over what I'd done.  I got similar -- and usually valuable -- editing from many others along the way, and learned to stand apart from my work by the time I was in college.  Also, I went to a yeshiva day school and got taught by Israelis.  That'll toughen your skin up pretty quick.

I don't know.  Part of it has to do with interest in the people who give the criticism -- interest in what they have and know, what it's made them into.  Part of it's appreciation of people who do a pro job of it -- they're not making a personal attack, and usually what you're getting from them is, in effect, a gift, even if you're not in a position to use or understand it just then.  I get irritated when someone's hammering me with criticism that's essentially their own hurt feelings or emotional need, but if they're smart, I still listen.  If not, I watch & listen a while for the dialogue & manner, then usually try to disengage and leave.

I'm assuming you're talking about criticism, by the way.

Part of it's that I'm usually fairly well aware of what I'm doing and have already made my own judgments about it, and at this point I'm not beholden to too many people. So if someone wants to judge, OK, go to it.  It might annoy me; I might learn something; it might have nothing to do with me.

Helpful at all?

[bread_pirate_naan]

I've been a fairly serious meditator in a Buddhist tradition for more than a decade.

From that perspective, the only response in harmony with that worldview in "low expectations" but in truth "no expectations" is closer to the goal of being unattached to outcomes.  Recognizing that relationships are constantly in flux and honing my ability to notice the qualities of that change helps.  I am working on patience and in many areas of my life, because I have noticed a deficit in my personality.

it's really, really hard not to read in a bunch of wacky stuff to small comments that they swear up and down was not intended. 

I find it a lot more useful to concentrate on observing my body sensations and mental reactions, than putting the analytical mind to work on what amounts to literary criticism.  You can leave analysis of them at a fairly superficial level.  If they mean you harm, give the gift of space, send thoughts of kindness.  If their intentions are neutral or good, see what other related feelings or past events are in play(in your reaction) and examine what is specific to your interiority (if you are feeling pain or suffering). 

It's more involved than that, but theories and practices that originate in yoga and Buddhist philosophies and psychologies have been central for me.