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[dr_evil]

I've come to decide that my schedule this term (and next) sucks.  Some days, it's tough to even find time to sit down and eat a meal someplace other than my office.  I miss that.  I'm also feeling burnt out - I frequently dread going to work.  The students are wearing me down by complaining that everything is too hard.  But this is the busiest week I have scheduled and it should get better - I'm trying to hold on to that.

Merrily working on work.

Thank goodness for itunes.

Welcome to the forum.  I'm glad things are better today.  I hope it continues to improve.

I saw your other thread and that you don't have health care.  Is there any inexpensive clinic near you or someplace to meet with a professional?  The reason I ask is that I balked from taking medicine for my depression for a long time, but it really does help.  And Pry is right - health insurance is expected for almost any job.  You should try to find one that provides it if you can find the motivation for that.  I know everyone hates job hunting, and it's especially hard when feeling down, but your health is important too.

Other things that may help in the meantime is getting out whenever it's sunny - take your work outside since keeping busy helps you, but try to get outside some.  Fresh air can be a great "pick me up."

My prescriptions are renewed and refilled.

Yea!

[sikora]

I'm having the first crying jag I've had in months.  My mother emailed me to try to get me to reapply for SSDI.  I had been doing so well that I had been removed from the therapy program I was in and placed in case management. I only see the social worker every six-eight weeks. And that was fine.  But then my mother with her plans to either get me to get a biology or nursing degree, or to reapply for SSDI.


I just want a job. I don't know what happened to the job I thought I had.  I feel like such burden to my family (which is why, I bet, my mother wants me to apply for SSDI).  I'm not disabled.  I can no longer do any heavy lifting.  There are just no jobs to even apply for. 

I'm just spinning my wheels here. Can I please go home now?  Can I please have my life back?  Can I please see a dentist and get a new pair of eyeglasses?  Can I please go home now?

[rubygirl]

Sikora, I'm sorry things suck right now. :-(  I'm sending you virtual hugs:  (((HUGS))) .

Dr_Evil:  bad schedules are the worst!  Try to carve out some time for yourself.  I used to hide in my office with the lights off for 20 minutes or so.  Also to Hot_Rod:  bratty students, bleah!  Just remember, you are in charge here.  Don't let them get you down. (They're just read for a break, probably.)

Also, your emotional state might be making their normal whininess seem bigger than it really is.  I know when I'm very anxious, anyone asking me for ANYTHING really freaks me out and gets me down.  Ugh.  This is a temporary state of being, and can change.

Biomancer, thanks for asking.  I had my first therapy session (ever) this week, and it went pretty well, I think!  I didn't really know what to expect, but the therapist was nice and put my at my ease, while still remaining professional.  It was GREAT to just walk in and dump all my drama on someone else, LOL!  I highly recommend it!

There is an assessment period, and then we look at treatment. I'll keep you all posted.

Be kind to yourself, folks.  Get outside and get some fresh air.

[sikora]

Sikora, I'm sorry things suck right now. :-(  I'm sending you virtual hugs:  (((HUGS))) .

Dr_Evil:  bad schedules are the worst!  Try to carve out some time for yourself.  I used to hide in my office with the lights off for 20 minutes or so.  Also to Hot_Rod:  bratty students, bleah!  Just remember, you are in charge here.  Don't let them get you down. (They're just read for a break, probably.)

Also, your emotional state might be making their normal whininess seem bigger than it really is.  I know when I'm very anxious, anyone asking me for ANYTHING really freaks me out and gets me down.  Ugh.  This is a temporary state of being, and can change.

Biomancer, thanks for asking.  I had my first therapy session (ever) this week, and it went pretty well, I think!  I didn't really know what to expect, but the therapist was nice and put my at my ease, while still remaining professional.  It was GREAT to just walk in and dump all my drama on someone else, LOL!  I highly recommend it!

There is an assessment period, and then we look at treatment. I'll keep you all posted.

Be kind to yourself, folks.  Get outside and get some fresh air.

Thanks!  I think some things may be turning around for me.  In terms of my long history of mental illness, I think I've met an important milestone.  Good news, or even potential good news, helps turn my mood around. In the past, if I was down, nothing could bring me up again.  I used to chronically think of suicide, and even had "suicide songs" I'd listen to. Haven't felt or thought like that in a long time. I am not taking an antidepressant, apparently antidepressants never worked.  I take a totally different cocktail of three drugs.  Seems to work for me.


Good good wishes and thoughts for all.

[hobbit]

I'm having the first crying jag I've had in months.  My mother emailed me to try to get me to reapply for SSDI.  I had been doing so well that I had been removed from the therapy program I was in and placed in case management. I only see the social worker every six-eight weeks. And that was fine.  But then my mother with her plans to either get me to get a biology or nursing degree, or to reapply for SSDI.


I just want a job. I don't know what happened to the job I thought I had.  I feel like such burden to my family (which is why, I bet, my mother wants me to apply for SSDI).  I'm not disabled.  I can no longer do any heavy lifting.  There are just no jobs to even apply for. 

I'm just spinning my wheels here. Can I please go home now?  Can I please have my life back?  Can I please see a dentist and get a new pair of eyeglasses?  Can I please go home now?

Congratulations on your progress, Sikora! But I wonder if your definition of "disabled" might be hanging you up. It doesn't mean unable to work at all, being unable to work in your former profession for the next year (or more), and having a medical condition that may interfere with other work for the next 12 months. In your next post, you mentioned long-term mental illness - that might qualify. You can earn a limited amount of money on SSDI.

Who knows exactly how SSDI rules, but getting "any job" may not be in your best interests if it doesn't have benefits. SSDI provides insurance, and even if providers are limited in your area, at least you would eventually get dental care and eye glasses. It doesn't look like faculty/academic jobs are going to be expanding anytime soon, so what's the harm in applying? After all, you paid into the system for just this eventuality. Applying for assistance does not require you to buy into anyone's stereotypes.   

However, I thought you mentioned once that you were eligible for services from the VA. Is there such a thing as a VA dental clinic or eye clinic, and if so, are these options for dental care and glasses? 

[sikora]

Sometimes I'm more angry than depressed, as I've probably let on in other threads.

It took SS less than 3 week to turn down my application.  I can still hear them laughing.  I'm not up for a long battle, with my mother paying for a lawyer.  Nope. I would much, much rather work.  I promise to swallow my pride and clean up my attitude if a retail job comes around.  In such a case, I will only work part time so I can have energy to do my "real" work.

But it does look like my friend from the U will hire me, and it may be indefinite rather than just three months; that is, I would work for him through the U's hiring process for the full time permanent junior scientist.  It's good.  We had a funny conversation about pay and benefits.  I asked him to lower my wage, so to maintain my eligibility for VA benefits.  He pointed out he couldn't do that, because then that would then be the wage provided to the permanent person.  Good point.   The wage is low enough to keep me in the VA system, and I don't have to opt into the insurance, and that might now be available anyway.  The thing is, I don't want out of the VA system! As it is, I'm safe for 18 months.

The VA does not provide dental or optical care to Category 8 vets.

I feel better, and I hope everyone else does, too.

[biomancer]

Sikora, that's good news.  Yay for landing a real academic job!

Are your current meds compatible with a celebratory drink? 

[dept_geek]

S., it may not be any fun and it may be a long shot... but... consider get a lawyer from one of the veteran's service organizations (they are free) and see if you can't get re-evaluated over the magic 20% line.  (or what ever it is now) That will put you in the service connected category and keep you in the system.  It may also get you dental & vision care.

Good luck with the new job.

[hobbit]

Sometimes I'm more angry than depressed, as I've probably let on in other threads.

It took SS less than 3 week to turn down my application.  I can still hear them laughing. 

Denials seem to be standard for the first few rounds of appeals. In my cancer clinic, the rate is running at about 3 denials before acceptance. This applies to everyone, including those with terminal diagnoses. It seems to be SSDI's SOP - it's not personal at all, and many SSDI employees hate the system as much as the rest of us do. I keep telling our patients to assume that the first app will be denied - fast - and then reapply as often as it takes. It is a daunting process, though, and very aggravating since this is insurance for which you paid - not some hand-out. I understand not wanting to put yourself through that process.

I feel better, and I hope everyone else does, too.

This is great news, as is the news about your job. Pass the bubbly all 'round!

[msparticularity]

Sometimes I'm more angry than depressed, as I've probably let on in other threads.

It took SS less than 3 week to turn down my application.  I can still hear them laughing. 

Denials seem to be standard for the first few rounds of appeals. In my cancer clinic, the rate is running at about 3 denials before acceptance. This applies to everyone, including those with terminal diagnoses. It seems to be SSDI's SOP - it's not personal at all, and many SSDI employees hate the system as much as the rest of us do. I keep telling our patients to assume that the first app will be denied - fast - and then reapply as often as it takes. It is a daunting process, though, and very aggravating since this is insurance for which you paid - not some hand-out. I understand not wanting to put yourself through that process.

I feel better, and I hope everyone else does, too.

This is great news, as is the news about your job. Pass the bubbly all 'round!

The other intensely frustrating thing is that they want documentation of total and permanent disability. The real-life nuanced things that happen to so many--partial disability, chronic but intermittent full disability--just don't make it on their radar screen. My husband has been verifiably 50% disabled (by all kinds of medical measures) for literally decades, and is not eligible for anything at all. My SIL, who has end-stage renal disease and relies upon dialysis, took over a year to get certified because they kept saying it was temporary since she is on the transplant list!

I have been told that is helpful to pay for an experienced attorney to write the appeal letter after one's first denial, though--it increases the likelihood of getting it by a significant percentage, apparently.

[myalterego]

Apparently I remember my sock puppet login details one year later...  Regular member, different name, etc.  Interested parties can view last fall's thread if they wish.  To summarize, I have seasonal depression (since college) plus severe issues with motivation (past ~4 years).  The motivation issues never go away, but I cope better when it's not fall.  Last fall I had a meltdown, folks here were encouraging, and I actually went to see a therapist.

I never came back to my thread to record that it was a bust.  The first visit was very promising--she was sure she could help me, and I felt better already after hearing that.  When I went back a second time, she said that actually she didn't know how to help me because there wasn't anything wrong with me (other than the seasonal depression which was currently being managed by light therapy).  She thought my stress and motivation problems were more anxiety-related than depression.  She suggested I see her coworker for some help with motivation/focus, but it was a weird experimental technique that wouldn't be covered by insurance.

This fall my seasonal depression is far worse, perhaps on par with the worst year ever (when I was living in a much more northerly location).  I don't know why it's so bad.  I'm a mess.  Well, I've been okay the past 24 hours, but in general I'm a mess.  My SO thinks I'm clinically depressed.  I don't know what's the difference between that and seasonal depression, but he's concerned about me and I'm making his life miserable too.  I want to quit my job, and the timing is particularly bad because we're about to buy a house--or we were until I had a meltdown last week.

Anyway, I need to go see a professional again, but I don't know how to find one.  I have no time or energy for this.  Ideally I'd like somebody who is qualified to prescribe medications but only as a last resort, who has many alternative ways to work with me that don't involve medication, and who will work with me in the context of my Christian faith when this would be helpful.  Since I don't currently trust mental health workers, somebody who makes use of standard diagnostic procedures I could read up on would be helpful (so I could convince myself that this is based on scientific literature and not quackery).  I don't know the gradations of mental health professional well enough to know if one person would be able to do all this.  Also, I refuse to see a social worker.

Any tips on how to find a competent professional would be greatly appreciated (as well as any other advice on coping).

[msparticularity]

Anyway, I need to go see a professional again, but I don't know how to find one.  I have no time or energy for this.  Ideally I'd like somebody who is qualified to prescribe medications but only as a last resort, who has many alternative ways to work with me that don't involve medication, and who will work with me in the context of my Christian faith when this would be helpful.  Since I don't currently trust mental health workers, somebody who makes use of standard diagnostic procedures I could read up on would be helpful (so I could convince myself that this is based on scientific literature and not quackery).  I don't know the gradations of mental health professional well enough to know if one person would be able to do all this.  Also, I refuse to see a social worker.

Any tips on how to find a competent professional would be greatly appreciated (as well as any other advice on coping).

I'm so sorry that you're going through this again--and that you encountered such an idiot last time you went in for therapy! There are a couple of ways to approach this. One is to go to a psychiatrist who does both counseling and medication management. This is the only professional who will be able to give you a comprehensive evaluation for both aspects, and might be the least "logistical" choice for you. This might also be the most difficult professional to get in to see quickly, though. The other possibility is to see a licensed therapist for counseling and a regular MD for the medication--there are some of both types who routinely cooperate and refer back and forth. If you have a regular internist or family practitioner you might start there, since they might have a mental health professional with whom they often cooperate.

I'm going to throw a thought out there, just so you can keep it in mind. I totally understand your desire to avoid medication, and I agree that there are reasons to be very, very cautious about meds. At the same time, as you are seeing, depression can be immobilizing and crippling, and at a certain point the depression itself can very effectively get in the way of successful therapy. Cognitive advances are showing us that the brain really does develop sorts of "grooves," and when one is in a major depression--a deep groove--getting out of that without some kind of pharmaceutical help can become nearly impossible. My own experience was that taking the medication to get out of the deepest pit of despair was really a requirement for being able to do effective therapy. The trick is to actually do the therapy once one is feeling a little better--it's awfully easy to just take pills and go back to denial, but it's not a long-term solution.

And there are mental health professionals who are also ordained ministers. Depending upon the size of your community, you might try browsing the yellow pages to see if you can spot any. Also, I saw a person who was a licensed clinical social worker for quite awhile, and it was a very different experience that the usual "social worker" thing. She was a trained clinician, and was the best I've have had at working with my spiritual needs and values as well.

Good luck!

[myalterego]

msparticularity, thank you very much for your reply.  It meant a lot to me, and I thought the advice was very helpful.

There are a couple of ways to approach this. One is to go to a psychiatrist who does both counseling and medication management. This is the only professional who will be able to give you a comprehensive evaluation for both aspects, and might be the least "logistical" choice for you. This might also be the most difficult professional to get in to see quickly, though.

I really liked this idea.  However, I made a couple of calls this morning and am being told there's nobody like this in my region.  I don't live in the middle of nowhere, so I'm surprised and disappointed.  Now I'm not sure how to proceed.

The other possibility is to see a licensed therapist for counseling and a regular MD for the medication--there are some of both types who routinely cooperate and refer back and forth. If you have a regular internist or family practitioner you might start there, since they might have a mental health professional with whom they often cooperate.

Unfortunately I never got around to finding an MD when I moved here, so that would be a difficult option.

Also, I saw a person who was a licensed clinical social worker for quite awhile, and it was a very different experience that the usual "social worker" thing. She was a trained clinician, and was the best I've have had at working with my spiritual needs and values as well.

The person I had such a hard time with was a social worker, so unfortunately that reinforced my previous negative view of them.

I don't know what will happen next.  I'm hoping my SO will make some calls for me and magically find the type of psychiatrist that didn't exist earlier this morning.  Maybe I missed something?

[msparticularity]

I don't know what will happen next.  I'm hoping my SO will make some calls for me and magically find the type of psychiatrist that didn't exist earlier this morning.  Maybe I missed something?

So, do the psychiatrists in your area only do medication management and not clinical therapy? If that is the case, you may be able to find a psychiatrist and a licensed therapist who work cooperatively--perhaps even in the same practice. You and/or your SO might try asking that question when you call around. Also, if you look in the Yellow Pages at listings, you may see practices with some of each type of practitioner.

[alleyoxenfree]

I'm partial to clinical psych Ph.Ds.  I've always found their training the best, and have never gelled with either a social worker or a MFT or a psychiatrist. YMMV.  So looking for the Ph.D. by the name is a first.  Then there is a phone test; listen to their message by calling at a time that I know they will be in session.  I can tell a lot by the voice.  Drive by the office; depressing neighborhood?  If the shrink and I have compatible tastes, which is not the same as upscale, just compatible, if I like their office, it can work; our personalities will work together.  First session or first phone call, go with your gut, think of it just like dating.  What's your first impression?  Are they as flexible as you want - i.e. able to work with a doctor on your medication, or able to treat you without?  Rigidity to me is a no-go.  Discuss your history with other shrinks and see if they are defensive or derisive or critical about what you say.  For myself, I don't care what my diagnosis is; I am paying to have someone be supportive, help me disentangle my thinking, hear myself, think of things I didn't think of, suggest things in a supportive way.

So the look for the credential and the phone message takes little time.  I also started with the list of providers my insurance would pay for, and always found someone.  You are smart to start with lack of trust and build it, rather than extending it as a default and getting burned.

But other options: since faith is a potential part, ask a pastor or priest for a referral.  I also have a preference not for an MD but for a D.O. and find they are much better about working with physical/mental complexities, better at listening, and they can prescribe.  Get a D.O. and ask him/her for a referral to a psychologist. 

I'm not a big believer in medication, but don't care if others use it and it helps.  I tend to think lack of motivation is a self-protective stance of the person not actually wanting to work on whatever they are whipping themself to do, whether because of anxiety or whether truly wanting to do something else. Is there something you want to do that you're not letting yourself do?  Make chicken?  Learn the banjo?  Join the circus?  I tend to think physically jolting activities can be very therapeutic, like riding rollercoasters, going on Outward Bound-type quests, taking trapeze lessons.  From what I've read, the mind has grooves, but the grooves can be reset in a number of ways, including talk therapy.  Many places do riding therapy, and mucking out a stable and riding sounds therapeutic to me right about now.