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[gattino]

I'm due to give birth to my second child in about 5 weeks and I'm feeling horribly guilty about my lack of research productivity at work (I finished teaching mid-May and am on a summer research term now).

The health-related stuff:

- Toddler in daycare, but gets sick quite frequently and we've had an especially horrible past 2 months with various ailments.  My partner does more than his share of childcare, but it's often just not enough (and won't cut it when my child is crying for mommy, mommy, mommy and I'm actually home).
- I don't know if my age makes a difference (I'm over 40), but I'm finding the last weeks of this pregnancy to be really difficult.  Doesn't help that it's hotter-than-h*ll here right now. My stamina just isn't there and, to be honest, I'm distracted with all the preparations and anxieties that go with giving birth.

The professional stuff:

- I have tenure.
-I'm generally a "good girl" at work in terms of committee work and departmental/faculty citizenship. By no stretch of the imagination could I be accused of being a slacker in terms of service.
- I'm an award-winning teacher and am happy to report that my evals were still strong even with a young child at home. We have a relatively heavy teaching load here.
- My research profile has always been adequate. Not stellar, but enough to easily gain tenure and not raise any red flags with my annual reviews etc. I'd say I rank in the middle of my department in terms of productivity.
- I work at a fairly laid-back institution in terms of research expectation, though such expectations have been increasing recently with incoming senior administrators.

So here's why I feel guilty.  I just came off a sabbatical last year and have yet to write up my new research.  In fact I'm still not finished transcribing the interviews I conducted (though that's almost done).  The old, pre-pregnancy/child me (or at least the grad student me) could have easily balanced teaching and progress on the research, but I've barely been able to make it through the days and am no longer willing (or very able) to give up all evenings and weekends to work.  As the start of my maternity leave and due date draw near, it's becoming clear that I will not be able to finish the one manuscript I've been working on for the past year or so.

I don't necessarily feel bad that I didn't get much done during the term, but I know I am really only working part time these days. I'd say that the vacation days I generally don't take help to compensate for some of this less-than-productive time, and I'd also say that several of my colleagues don't exactly work full steam in the summer anyway.  Nonetheless, I feel horrible drawing a relatively good paycheck in this economy and not giving it my all.  I feel I'm watching my research program disintegrate before my eyes (though I probably am going to drop this line of research after finishing the ms).  I hate the idea of having an unfinished ms hanging over my head for the 9 months of my maternity leave.

I guess I just needed to vent.  I dislike keeping all of these thoughts bottled up inside. When I confide bits and pieces of the above to colleagues, everyone is very supportive and tells me not to worry.  That just makes me feel worse, however, since I remain convinced they think I'm exaggerating about what I'm not getting done (based on my "good girl" persona).

Oh I could go on, but I think you get the picture (and I thank you for reading if you've made it this far).  Any thoughts? Advice?  It's at the point where I don't think physically I could finish the coding/analysis/writing in the time I have left, so how do I reconcile myself to this situation????

[inthelab]

You're in the last month of preganancy (more or less).  You're exhausted.  Baby is growing rapidly now.  It's a good time to pare back to doing only essentials.  Just say, "My OB thinks I need to take it easy until the baby arrives."  No other explanation needed; no apologies offered.  Practice it until it springs to your lips.  Then go take it easy.

[britmom]

I don't have any suggestions, but wanted to sympathise. I'm currently 10 weeks with #2 - and also have a toddler in daycare. I'm finding it hard going to concentrate on anything at this point, never mind in another 25 weeks. It does seem to me that worrying about your lack of productivity, when there's nothing you can do to change that, is just a waste of energy (and you haven't got bags of that stuff to spare.) My plan for the next few months is to do whatever I can without driving myself into the ground. I worked beyond my due date with #1, and made myself stupidly tired in the process. There's no way I'm doing that to myself this time around. Take inthelab's advice!

[collegekidsmom]

At another time, maybe soon, you'll be in another place. Don't beat yourself up at a time when there are so many demands on your body and your time. Maybe you could just reevaluate in 2 months, or some reasonable time and sort of give in to where you are right now and try to enjoy/get through this unusual time in your life. There are many, many years ahead to work, and not much time to take care of yourself at the end of pregnancy and spend the last little time alone with your first child. These times require stepping back, relaxing a little and being kind to yourself. Things will go much better for your toddler, the new baby, your family in general if you can sort of put the work aside for a little while. It's not forever, and I think most here would say that the work will be there when you get back to it in just a short time.  Best of luck with all that's ahead.

[gattino]

Thanks so much, everyone. I really appreciate your kind words -- they are much needed.  I know you are all right, but it helps to see it in writing.

Since I posted my pregnancy-related carpal-tunnel syndrome and sciatica have flared up and, if it wasn't before, now the writing is really on the wall: don't drive myself into the ground and take care of myself, my body, and my baby.

Thanks again.

[oseph]

Good lord, you are a better person that I am.  You worked hard enough to get tenure, win teaching awards, and be a good faculty citizen.  Cut yourself some slack!  Do not feel bad about your situation.  You worked hard to achieve a situation that afforded you flexibility and stability.  Take advantage of it.  Please!  If you don't, then I have nothing to look forward to, and god knows I would like to think that at some point before I die I can have a slightly 'off' year without spiraling into a deep depression mixed with bouts of insomnia and panic/anxiety attacks!

[marginalia]

Gattino, let me second what others said. You have tenure, and you are in your last month of pregnancy! This is, seriously, not the time to worry about research output, but rather the time to take it easy, rest and happily prepare for arrival of Baby Gattino. From what you describe, you're in a good place professionally with nothing to worry about. You will go back to your research once things settle down.

If you definitely need to work (I don't think you do, but anyway) give yourself a  low daily goal, such as 250 words a day (one double-spaced page). It doesn't matter how these words come about - transcribing interviews, summarizing articles, writing up your argument. If you fall off the wagon on a certain day (or two or three), don't beat yourself up for it, just move on to the next day, etc. Also remember that your brain is probably not in top chemical shape at this time. When I was 8 months pregnant I couldn't work anymore, even though I worked diligently through most of my pregnancy. And that's all right - your body has something more important to do right now than producing articles! Cut yourself some slack.

You say,
The old, pre-pregnancy/child me (or at least the grad student me) could have easily balanced teaching and progress on the research,
I often have those thoughts of not being as productive as I was in grad school/pre-child, but they are actually not true. I did not have a child, had less teaching and  none of the service obligations that come with a TT job so I had so much more time - but I also wasn't as good a scholar, so things are taking less time now (if not less angst). I am sure it is true in your case as well.

Best of luck with everything!