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[inthelab]

Sarcomere, hope you continue to heal and one day have much joy from your great memories.

[llanfair]

What a nice way to meet, and what a great story.  And his words on his site were an echo of yours on this one - the love and gratitude for that love are palpable from both of you. 

((((HUGS))))

[sarcomere]

There is news, good news, or at least as good as it can be right now.  This may become a felony charge.  We find out sometime in early July.  Everyone keep your fingers crossed, pray, and perhaps a sacrificial chicken wouldn't go amiss, for justice, real justice.  If anyone has the misconception that I'm a nice person, you're wrong.  I want this guy to suffer, I want the rest of his life to be miserable, I want him locked up somewhere where he becomes someone's b!tch.  Forgiveness isn't for me.  Not for this.  I really do think he was trying to scare a cyclist for kicks and horribly misjudged.  Given the physics and time involved there is no other rational explanation.  He took our future, he deserves everything that comes to him.

Today was an ok day.  I took my dog to work again and she's so silly and goofy that she made me laugh.  And I felt guilty.  I've had to do all these tasks and errands that are required to just get by and it feels so wrong, like I'm moving on without a second thought.  And I feel so guilty.

The lawn guy came tonight to give me a quote and I started crying as soon as he got here.  Poor guy probably had no idea what to do. 

Yet another evening in our house without him.

[prytania3]

Sarcomere, I can understand that you want this person to suffer, but it isn't something I'm going to pray for or even keep my fingers crossed for. If there were gross negligence involved, then he will get a felony charge, but the reality is that most of these tragedies are horrible accidents. No one sets out in their car to kill anyone, and we like to think these accidents only happen when a driver is under the influence, but the reality is that often isn't the case. A momentary blinding by sun glare, a glance at the gas gauge, one second that you just weren't paying attention.

I know an eye for an eye judgement looks attractive here, but the really sad part, the really scary part, is any of us could have this accident. If I killed someone with my car, a pedestrian or cyclist, I would feel so guilty, I'd just kill myself because I wouldn't be able to live with what I'd done. Even if it were accidental.

We have a lot of pedestrians, runners, and cyclists in my neighborhood and no sideways, windy roads, and lots of trees, and I live in fear that I'm going to hit someone, and I almost hit a couple walking down the main road two weeks ago. I just didn't see them.

If it helps you to be angry at him, then be angry. If that happened to my son, I'd probably get a gun & blow the guy away, but sometimes things are just terrible, terrible accidents & in a second, everyone's life changes.

I will continue to pray for you.

[sarcomere]

... the reality is that most of these tragedies are horrible accidents. No one sets out in their car to kill anyone, and we like to think these accidents only happen when a driver is under the influence, but the reality is that often isn't the case. A momentary blinding by sun glare, a glance at the gas gauge, one second that you just weren't paying attention.

That just doesn't fit with the facts, mid afternoon - no sunstrike.  Bright orange jersey against a dark green background.  Long straight road.  Another driver saw him about a mile off.  TWO lanes, 24 feet of road, a 6 ft wide van, SO was ON the white line.  Considering different velocities, he wouldn't have had to look away for a second, he would have had to look away for many seconds, in the order of tens of seconds.  Or he could have been trying to get his kicks by scaring a cyclist because he was one of these people that didn't think he should have to share the road.  Oh and did I mention that SO was found in the grass well off to the side of the road indicating that the van was pointed towards him, not away from him as it would be if he had indeed been trying to pass him.  Oh, and he drove down the road for a mile and a half before deciding to turn around and come back.  When he got back his comment to another motorist who stopped to try and help SO was "what happened?"  Gee, you think that your windscreen just shattered on it's own?  Then telling the cop that he tried to pass him but the bike just got sucked into his vehicle.  Accident my a$$. I've ridden bikes for a long time and an 18 wheeler can pass you and you don't get "sucked in"  unless you are aiming at the cyclist.  Physics doesn't lie, people lie.

Yep, today is an angry day.  Pry, please don't be offended but hearing that it was just a horrible accident is just wrong.  This is a state that sometimes doesn't even charge drivers for killing cyclists, for the DA to move for a felony charge is a huge deal and suggests that this wasn't just a horrible accident.

[kedves]

I support what Prytania says.  We live in a country in which the people bring a charge as an offense against them, not in a country of individual retribution.  My heart aches for you.  Your sweetheart and you were meant for each other and deserve all happiness, and I know that you don't want to hear this.  Forgiveness is not about being nice.  It is not something you do for the other person.  It is something you do for yourself to avoid the gradual grinding away, the destruction, of your spirit--or, if you don't believe in the spirit or the soul, the grinding away of what is good in you.  I have seen people become consumed with their personal role in justice, from wrongful death civil lawsuits to criminal court to personal violence.  I have never seen it benefit the person who does it except when their cause is not personal but is to change policy or law.  You will do as you will, but I hope very much that this will not happen to you.

I love your stories about him and to hear that your dog makes you laugh.  I wish you strength.

[sarcomere]

I'm just not there, forgiveness isn't on the agenda.  I have already started looking into the law and how to get it changed so that cyclists receive equal treatment as road users.  I have way too much education and have worked towards this life for far too long to throw it away on that worthless waste of humanity, but if something horrible happens to him I will probably feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside.

[collegekidsmom]

Sarcomere,
I just want to say that you deserve to be very angry. Anger is part of this horrible thing. When you write about your anger, I can feel it. Why this had to happen to him and to you-that is something to be incredibly angry about. There is a person that was responsible. Someday you might feel differently, but your anger is totally understandable and you are feeling a mixture of feelings these early days. Anger is one of them and you should express that. Anger not resolved might become depression or worse.
I am surrounded daily by people that lost someone in the WTC attacks. I have seen anger. Similar, shocking, senseless things that take away huge parts of your life. Unfair, unanticipated, and all wrong-where it gets you right now is probably unbelievably angry. That's not even the right word for it I'm sure.

Glad you are finding moments here and there where you are doing OK.

[knitknat]

Sarcomere, I think that if you are feeling guilty about laughing at your dog, or doing things that make you feel like you are "moving on," there are two key things to keep in mind. One is that a professional therapist can do wonders to help you talk about this guilt.

Two: Tasks like this are robot tasks...dog needs feeding, Sarcomere needs feeding, lawn needs mowing, papers need grading. These aren't things you should feel guilty about, because they are not indicators you are "moving on", they are simply things that need to be done to survive. You only "move on" if you forget him entirely, and I don't see that happening. As long as you remember him lovingly (as it sounds like you will), you are simply "moving forward" with his memory always close to your heart. I'm not religious, but if I was into 'Ghost', I'd like to think Patrick Swayze is hovering nearby, prodding the dog to do silly things specifically to make you smile, not to make you feel guilty.

And as far as the forgiveness thing goes...do whatever you need to do to get your anger out. No matter what the outcome of the judicial side of things, every state in the country could use more angry voices pushing for bicycle safety.

[anthroid]

Sarcomere, I think that if you are feeling guilty about laughing at your dog, or doing things that make you feel like you are "moving on," there are two key things to keep in mind. One is that a professional therapist can do wonders to help you talk about this guilt.

Two: Tasks like this are robot tasks...dog needs feeding, Sarcomere needs feeding, lawn needs mowing, papers need grading. These aren't things you should feel guilty about, because they are not indicators you are "moving on", they are simply things that need to be done to survive. You only "move on" if you forget him entirely, and I don't see that happening. As long as you remember him lovingly (as it sounds like you will), you are simply "moving forward" with his memory always close to your heart. I'm not religious, but if I was into 'Ghost', I'd like to think Patrick Swayze is hovering nearby, prodding the dog to do silly things specifically to make you smile, not to make you feel guilty.

And as far as the forgiveness thing goes...do whatever you need to do to get your anger out. No matter what the outcome of the judicial side of things, every state in the country could use more angry voices pushing for bicycle safety.

Very, very wise words.  All of them.  Well done, knitknat (great moniker, BTW).

Sacromere, I'm with you.  Killing someone ought to count for something, somewhere, to someone.  You get to be angry, very, very angry.  Let the law do what it will do.  If there is evidence that your SO's death was more than an accident, that is what the prosecutor will determine before she files charges.  Let the legal system work.

And, Sacromere, you get to laugh at your silly dog.  Didn't you laugh at her before?  You get to laugh at her now.  Her silliness hasn't changed even with your loss.  The laughter is hard to begin with, but it is also part of how we heal.  You're allowed.  It's okay.  You're not denying SO's absence, as Knitknat says.  You are honoring his memory by going on, remembering him in your strength.

[monarda]

 

Oh and did I mention that SO was found in the grass well off to the side of the road indicating that the van was pointed towards him, not away from him as it would be if he had indeed been trying to pass him.  Oh, and he drove down the road for a mile and a half before deciding to turn around and come back.  When he got back his comment to another motorist who stopped to try and help SO was "what happened?"  Gee, you think that your windscreen just shattered on it's own?  Then telling the cop that he tried to pass him but the bike just got sucked into his vehicle. 

I'm not sure that I understand the accident diagram here. You've described the driver as cocky and without remorse. I can understand that would be so terrible to know that, or even get that impression at this early point where your ache is so raw.  

It's hard for me to imagine a driver that would not be in shock after such a collision.

I support what Pry says as well. And as Kedves said, don't let this part consume you.  Laws to share the road with cyclists are good. And laws to outlaw cell phones and other distractors while driving are good. Of course you are angry.  Very wise words from knitknat and anthroid, especially. Let the legal system work.

I encourage you to look (someday, not yet) into the work of this organization.    http://www.mvfr.org
Very debilitating grief can turn to forgiveness. It IS possible, and this group is trying to tackle some extreme, extreme feelings to try and garner support to abolish the death penalty. It's all about forgiveness, in due time. Kedves summed it up so well.

My fingers are crossed that the driver will show some remorse in this process.

[zenprof]

Sarcomere, it is awful; I am so sorry. I can't answer your initial question, "how do I do this," but can only say that each day, it is good to take time to breathe deeply; to eat well; to exercise; to care for the body.  Many days just doing all that will be more than enough challenge. Be extra kind to yourself on those days and say "it's a basic day, a getting-through day: I have done well." Say that to yourself a lot: you are doing well getting through, managing gracefully, even on very bad days.  You are doing the best you can, and it's fine.

Other days you might do more (as your posts already show); people have made good suggestions about some expressive & memorializing things you can do--journaling, a quilt. Don't worry about the anger or forgiveness right now; it'll be what it is. You are in an intense kaleidoscope of feelings, and you have every reason to feel powerful feelings. Repressing it doesn't work in the long run; still, you sound like a steady and smart person, so keep coming back to your center. Steady. Do no harm. Crying is fine for that.   It also helps to have good music in your life every day, & singing along, or just hum softly, if your heart's forces are in retreat at the moment.  Playing an instrument, if you do, can really help. Also, it can really help to experience some art, both looking at it, if you have a museum nearby, and if you can, it's even better to make it. Like music, art heals us, mysteriously and deeply. The dog is good: caring for another creature is also healing, keeps the heart open. If you have a garden, that's good too. Also, awesome nature if it helps you: the night sky or the ocean or a really big mountain can always help me feel better.

Treat yourself really well, dear one; treat yourself as you would treat a beautiful creature who is badly hurt and needs extra special care. For you are, and you do. And time is on your side.

I'll be thinking of you (not posting here any more but yours was too important to ignore). You've already helped me: you reminded me to cherish my own loved one better.
tat tvam asi / metta / metta  

[lurquita]

Dear Sarcomere,

I know how it feels to wish dreadful vengeance on the killer of a loved one.  I really and truly know, trust me.

Right now, as Zenprof notes:

Don't worry about the anger or forgiveness right now; it'll be what it is. You are in an intense kaleidoscope of feelings, and you have every reason to feel powerful feelings. Repressing it doesn't work in the long run; still, you sound like a steady and smart person, so keep coming back to your cente

When the time comes for you to let go of vengeful feelings, you will let go of them.

In my case, I spent months and months raging against the person who took my beloved friend's life.  Now, I rarely even refer to that person as "the murderer," and if I do, I automatically correct myself. 

I'm not a saint.  Eventually, I simply realized that it hurt me more to be angry at this person that it did to let go of my rage and vengeful thoughts. 

If I had that person standing in front of me right now, I could look him in the eye and say, "I forgive you" and mean it.

That took me about two years before I meant it.  A year to know that I could say it, and maybe half-way mean it, but a good two years before I meant it.

You seem very smart and in touch with your emotions.  When your time is right, you will most likely be able to say: it hurts enough to miss my partner; do I need the extra weight of rage against someone when it does nothing but hurt me?  And then you will let go of the weight and it will dissipate.

That is possible for you, but it will happen when you are ready and not before.  Right now, it is one day at a time, and your forumito/as and other caring people around you to hear your memories and listen when you wish to speak.  There is time later for different stages in the process.

Peace, and blessings,

Lurqui

[tolerantly]

Guys,

May I suggest that this is not the time to tell sarcomere how she ought to feel about justice, revenge, etc.  She sounds like a smart cookie.  Let her get on with it, mebbe.

Thank you,

Tolerantly.

[biomancer]

Guys,

May I suggest that this is not the time to tell sarcomere how she ought to feel about justice, revenge, etc.  She sounds like a smart cookie.  Let her get on with it, mebbe.

Thank you,

Tolerantly.

I'm with Tolerantly.  Sarcomere, whatever you are feeling, whatever you need to get out of your system, we're here for you.

I hope that each day gets a little bit easier for you.

-biomancer