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[dr_crankypants]

I've lived in the midwest, the northeast, the deep south and Europe.  Each time I moved, there was a pretty significant culture shock, and I both loved and hated my new locale.  As I look back on it, though, I think that my intellectual development is truly tied to these moves.  Having to redefine "normal" repeatedly and to decide which personal characteristics and behaviors were important for me to hold on to and which ones I could (or should) adapt has made me a much less judgmental and easygoing person.  And it's made me more confident about those things that I feel most strongly about.  I honestly don't think that I would be the same scholar or teacher--let alone friend or citizen--if I had never left the area where I grew up.  It would have been far too easy to have my assumptions challenged only in the classroom.  And I'm absolutely certain that I would hold more stereotypes about people living in other geographical areas.

My experience has been similar; I've lived in a lot of very different places, and I agree that this has been crucial for my intellectual and personal development.  Chime on pretty much everything mendeddrum said.  I suspect that I could find "home" in a lot of different places.

That said, I find myself not feeling at home in my current location.  I noticed that Benton--and many of the posters here--have mentioned the role of kids and partners in helping build a life in a new place.  For me, that's the greatest source of frustration in trying to grow roots in a new place.  I live in a family oriented place, and almost everyone I know who has successfully built a social life here has done so through a partner or children.  In the end, my sense of not being at home here has much less to do with the place itself, and much more about being single in a place that has very few ways for single people to join in the social life beyond the university.  It's doubly frustrating because people know this is a problem here, but their solution seems to be to hire more married people who will "fit in," rather than thinking about ways to make the people who don't fit more comfortable here.

[balancing_act]

Tough question for me; I was born in one place, and at the age of 2 my parents moved to another place, and when I was 9 moved again to another place; at 18 I went to grad school in yet another place, and got an instructor position after a year of unemployment in another place, and then three years in another place and one year in another, and seven in another, and now I'm on the verge of moving to another.  That's six different states (two locations in some of them), none of which is "home."  I spent the most years in a midwestern state but mostly grew up in a southwestern state.  I don't have much of an accent from any of these places, as far as anybody who has heard me speak is willing to say.

This is similar to my experience. By the time I was 16, I had lived in 7 different states. After that, I lost all sense of "home." I've been in This State now for 10 years and it doesn't seem like home to me. Interestingly, my husband, who also moved around a lot, has been here for 20 years and doesn't feel like it's "home" here either. We both have the sense that this is where we are for now, with no real attachments to it. And the accents, well, sometimes my southern accents kicks in, sometimes the midwestern-- but that usually depends on how much I've had to drink.

[concordancia]

And the accents, well, sometimes my southern accents kicks in, sometimes the midwestern-- but that usually depends on how much I've had to drink.

My mother has been complaining about my accent since long before I ever moved south. My speech defects also come across as a distinct regional accent in my second language, and I never even attended speech therapy in that language.

[cityprof]

I'm not sure anywhere really is "home" for me. Like conjugate, I was born in one place (Midwest) and my parents moved us to another state (Northeast) at around age 2. Then my folks split when I was around age 10, and after a very brief stint in Big Southwest City where my mother grew up, she and I landed back in the Midwest, although in a neighboring state to the one where I was born.

I think of the medium-sized Midwestern city where I spent age 10 to high school graduation as "where I'm from," and I suppose my orientation on the world is primarily that of a Midwesterner, but that doesn't mean I felt/feel at home there. When it was time for college, I was eager to get away. And my mother no longer lives there, so I haven't been back in many years.

College was at a well-known HBCU (in a big Southern city) which means I had classmates from all over the country. I never felt particularly at home in that city, but I made great friends at school, many of whom are still in my life. Graduate school was in very small Southern city--"city" being perhaps too grand of a word, but "small town" is also inaccurate--which I hated, hated, hated. Dull, conservative, racist, small-minded. But again, I made lifelong friends in my classmates.

My first (and to date only) TT job is in MegaNortheastCity, close to where I spent some of my childhood, and while the city doesn't exactly feel like home, I met my husband here and we're starting our family here. We both have wonderful old and new friends in the area--lots of my grad school cronies are in the general area, as are a good number of my college friends. Because of the community and cultural opportunities, we can't imagine living anywhere else, even though it's ridiculously expensive here, too expensive to buy a house and make a real "home." If it weren't for the housing thing maybe I'd be fully at home here, but as it is I can't help but think that in spite of how much we enjoy this city, we might end up making our family's long term home elsewhere eventually.

[keineidee]

There's a song I think about often when considering these questions: James McMurtry's, "I'm Not From Here."

[erzuliefreda]

In a pinch, there's always "When I First Came to Town."

[colette_capricious]

This thread, and everyone's responses, hits very close to the heart of what has been troubling me for months now, ever since I accepted a Masters position in London.

In a nutshell, I don't consider the place where I live now to be 'home.' Unfortunately my children do. It's the only place they remember living as they were 5, 3 and 1 when we moved. My ex also considers it home and has no urge to move anywhere else. We left a major West coast city (with beach!) to come to this place in the West that feels like a suburb in search of a city.

It's a good place to grow up, I guess for children. Safe, lots of green space, bike trails, good school, a great river to play in. It's also 97% white and Christian with giant mega churches. A spike of light violet in a mostly red state.

I am so done with living here. I don't see any way to grow where I am. Not without great personal sacrifice. And I've been there, done that, got the divorce papers and 13 years as a stay at home mom.

I have no place that feels home. Not where I grew up, not where I lived for 9 years before here. Certainly not the Southern town my parents moved to after I moved out.

Is it fair to rip the kids away from here and their dad? I'm doing it, for the year of grad school. But what about after? Where do I apply for jobs? In this town? Not likely. Maybe closest major city. Go for my PhD at very high rated university to let the kids get older?

I don't know. My ex asked me last night what my post-school plans are. I have no idea. It stressed me out and there was nothing but Kaluha in the house to drink. Not very useful.

(Not sure if this post fits here, the venting thread, the end of a long-term relationship thread or at some therapists office.)

[temporaryname]

I'm about to move to a new position, and so I've been thinking about this whole issue a lot.

If someone asks where I'm from, I always reply that I'm from where I grew up--I grew up there in the house my grandparents built, better than 95% of any extended family I know (and I know a lot of my extended family) lives within a 25-mile radius of that house, and most of my family on both sides has roots in that area extending back 200 to 300 years. (The one part of the family that doesn't go back that far only goes back just shy of a century. Recent arrivals, really.) I have a very deep connection to where I grew up--I don't ever want to live there, but I enjoy visiting.

What I enjoy visiting, though, is the people--and that's what makes me feel connected to where I live now, and what I hope will make me feel connected soon enough to where I'm moving to.

Also, I noticed that Benton mentioned not getting involved in the community--of all the places I've lived (which is actually a lot of places, especially considering my lack of moving around until college), I've felt most connected to the ones where I actually felt involved in the community, not just work.

Anyway, no real insights, just a few semi-connected thoughts.

[lotsoquestions]

Colette -- I identify with a lot of what you're saying.  I grew up in a military family, banged around a lot, never really felt like we belonged anywhere, ended up in our current location where everyone except me seems to have grown deep roots.  Kids love the school, my husband has this vast network of acquaintances with whom he drinks beer and hunts and fishes (though this probably belongs in another thread called "you know your husband has become a redneck if . . ").  He found his inner self, who was apparently named Billy Bob.  Go figure. 

We live near water, so all I hear from my fellow disgruntled academics is the usual solution -- buy a house near water or maybe buy a boat.  Apparently that cures what ails here. . . just not sure it's cured me.  What's weird for me is that I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE where I teach.  The town, the fellow housewives in the subdivision (one of whom was really mystified last week when she lost our phone number and googled me and all that came up were conference papers on postmodernism and the like) not so much.   

[oseph]

Mr. Oseph and I are from the south, and although we have spent much time in other regions of the country (and in other countries), we still are from the south.  So when we were looking at jobs, it was a big plus at some schools that we wanted to return to the south - they'd had bad luck in the past with hiring faculty who pretended to think the area was charming and quaint but desperately wanted out.  We, on the other hand, really want to be here and really want to help the south change in good ways while still practicing those parts of southern culture that aren't negative and harmful.  We were convincing, because it was the truth.  And we are happy as clams being back here.  The state we ended up in is a little different from our home states, but we are enjoying it anyway and feel more at home than we did at other schools we've been at.

[colette_capricious]

Colette -- I identify with a lot of what you're saying.  I grew up in a military family, banged around a lot, never really felt like we belonged anywhere, ended up in our current location where everyone except me seems to have grown deep roots.  Kids love the school, my husband has this vast network of acquaintances with whom he drinks beer and hunts and fishes (though this probably belongs in another thread called "you know your husband has become a redneck if . . ").  He found his inner self, who was apparently named Billy Bob.  Go figure. 

There's a lot of hunting here. And many boats. Which cracked me up at first because I never equated mountain state with boats. Apparently you can also use them on lakes. Who knew?

It's great that you love where you work. I bet there are other cool moms around. It's just finding them. If I can get a job around here that I love, I could probably control my wanderlust until at least the oldest is out of high school. I could grow where I am. Possibly.

[sibyl]

colette, kids are resilient.  I have moved my own twice now and they are fine.  What matters most is the home you make for them.  And the honest truth is that you will give them a better home if you are a happy mom with a job you like in a community where you have lots of positive attachments.

I am proud of you for wanting to help them stay connected to their father.  But you have custody (I presume) and you have to be the one to make decisions, not their father. 

When you go on the market, apply everywhere.  The market won't allow you to limit yourself, and since nowhere feels like home than anywhere can feel like it, as long as you are happy there.

Now, come back over to the prom thread and dance with me.  You can have your hat back if you like.

[scampster]

I find myself a bit stunned when people ask me where I am from and I automatically reply "Midwestern State where I am going to grad school" instead of the real answer of "Massachusetts." The answer usually depends on where I am when being asked of course - I don't tell people from this state that I am from here. I loved where I grew up, but I don't feel all that connected to it anymore (besides in a nostalgic way). But I hated where I live now when I got here (and almost dropped out of grad school because of it), but I got involved in the community and almost all my friends are not associated with the university.

[crowie]

That said, I find myself not feeling at home in my current location.  I noticed that Benton--and many of the posters here--have mentioned the role of kids and partners in helping build a life in a new place.  For me, that's the greatest source of frustration in trying to grow roots in a new place.  I live in a family oriented place, and almost everyone I know who has successfully built a social life here has done so through a partner or children.  In the end, my sense of not being at home here has much less to do with the place itself, and much more about being single in a place that has very few ways for single people to join in the social life beyond the university.  It's doubly frustrating because people know this is a problem here, but their solution seems to be to hire more married people who will "fit in," rather than thinking about ways to make the people who don't fit more comfortable here.

I'm in exactly the same situation as you are, dr_crankypants.  It is hugely frustrating and I empathize.  But I don't feel like I can really blame the colleagues in my department who hired me, since as far as I can see the ways in which and reasons why this town is so much more family/couples-oriented has got to do with the geography, culture, resources etc. of the town itself, it's not really something a department of the university can do something about.  I guess I'd be interested to hear what you think your colleagues could do differently and how that would change things that I see as more systemic.

[colette_capricious]

colette, kids are resilient.  I have moved my own twice now and they are fine.  What matters most is the home you make for them.  And the honest truth is that you will give them a better home if you are a happy mom with a job you like in a community where you have lots of positive attachments.

When you go on the market, apply everywhere.  The market won't allow you to limit yourself, and since nowhere feels like home than anywhere can feel like it, as long as you are happy there.

Now, come back over to the prom thread and dance with me.  You can have your hat back if you like.

Thank you for the kind words. I will try and remember them!  And I will apply everywhere and anywhere.

And I am scurrying back to the prom to dance. Keep the hat. It looks better on you.