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[testingthewaters]

To all of you who think academia is a good place to work, I wonder why.  Low pay, long hours, stingy benefits, a punishing and judgmental culture--no wonder more young people are looking elsewhere for their careers.  

What makes you think it is any different outside academia? I spent a long time outside of the tower. It wasn't any different, but it was a lot worse in other ways.
---
Apparently, I stand corrected and there are departments where it is considered OK for people to bring their kids to the office on a regular basis for non emergencies. Not mine, and it would be unwise to go against the departmental culture on that. You would be considered unprofessional here. That, and I'd thwack you with a plush animal until you learned that my office is not daycare.

Anyway, returning to the OP: the advice you have gotten on keeping records is sound, as is the advice to look elsewhere. The record keeping is in case leaving doesn't work, though, since I think leaving is going to be a better option. The department culture is unlikely to change, and it is not what you are looking for. For the record, I think your leave plan of 3 months for each parent sounds like a sound, reasonable plan.

[tetro1]

Congratulations! I have 3 and am extremely proud of them.
Don't trust any administrator that says you are making adequate or excellent progress. I asked my dean three years in a row "what do I need to do to ensure tenure?" and he replied three years in a row "don't worry you're doing fine". Then the SOB stabbed me in the back and denied me tenure. If you want tenure, you'll have to minimize your family time. Never mind you're not paid in the summer, you need to be there anyway. And that's no guarantee of tenure, either.
Send out applications now. Sounds like you're going to need to anyway.
And blessings to you and your family.

[temporaryname]

<snip>

I will also teach your six year old the "alternate" version of "Row, Row, Your Boat" so that he or she can embarrass you in front of your in-laws.

<snip>

Okay, I'm curious--I may want to teach it to my own kids (because, yes, I'm that kind of horrible parent).

[macaroon]

Row row row your boat, gently down the stream.
Throw your teacher overboard and listen to her scream.

[spectacle]

Row row row your boat, gently down the stream.
Throw your teacher overboard and listen to her scream.

Ah hahahaha!  I'd totally forgotten about that! 

[cathybwilcox]

I don't find this surprising at all. I think that many fathers are unaware of the situation, because it never affects them directly.  They do not take time off for the birth of children. It is the mothers who are acutely aware of the situation.  If you would like to do some reading, there are lots of articles, many discussions and some research on the topic, generally in the form: "Why do women leave academia right around age 30?" Answer "They want to see there children a bit more than "now and then" and school gets out at 3 pm.  I think that the advice to talk to other Dads is good, however, many Dads are not involved with the care of their children.  Have a look, if you're interested, at:

http://www.faculty.virginia.edu/familyandtenure/institutional%20report.pdf

The Family, Gender and Tenure Project
University of Virginia
Steven E. Rhoads, Principal Investigator

Summary of Findings

Paid parental leave policies are rare and concentrated among elite, private schools.
o Only 18 percent of schools offer a gender-neutral, parental leave. 
o Another 8 percent offer a paid leave to women only.
o A total of 26 percent offer some paid leave above a six-week maternity
leave – either women-only or both-eligible.
Among top-tier schools (ranked elite and “very difficult”), 51 percent offer paid
leave.
Private schools are almost twice as likely as public schools to offer a paid leave: 34
percent of private schools, compared to 18 percent of public schools offer a paid
leave.
Exclusive use of federally-mandated unpaid FMLA leave is most common at 36
percent of schools.  18 percent offer a full semester.
Among schools that do not offer a paid leave, 23 percent have informal policies.
Most schools provide full relief of duties and expect no research during leave –
except for elite schools:  there were no elite schools that offered a gender-neutral
parental leave with full relief of duties and no research expected.
All of the administrators surveyed replied, officially, that there is no stigma attached
to policy utilization; but their more candid anecdotal responses provide some
evidence that stigma is a factor in policy use.

http://www.awis.org/news/documents/FamilyFriendlypolicies.pdf
http://feministreview.blogspot.com/2009/04/mama-phd-women-write-about-motherhood.html
http://11d.typepad.com/blog/2008/06/women-in-academ.html
http://lser.la.psu.edu/workfam/delaykids.pdf
http://www.dukenews.duke.edu/2003/05/20030509.html

Welcome to our world.

[offthemarket]

I think that many fathers are unaware of the situation, because it never affects them directly.  They do not take time off for the birth of children...
Welcome to our world.

Wow.  It sounds like you have some issues.

Clearly, this issue affects fathers directly.  Many dads are not involved in their children's lives.  And many man ARE involved in thier children's lives and take time off for their new children.

Aside from nursing, there's no reason for men to provide any less or more parental care than women.  There is no obligation for women to be more involved than men.

[pocksuppet]

I don't find this surprising at all. I think that many fathers are unaware of the situation, because it never affects them directly. 

The use of the absolute here is absolute bigotry.

[cathybwilcox]

I didn't use the absolute. I said many fathers, not all fathers, not even most fathers.

[offthemarket]

No, you said that parental care never affects fathers directly.

You said without qualification that men do not take time off to care for their children.

Okay, maybe YOUR man didn't.  I sure took nine months off, and the majority of my male colleagues have taken time off or significant workload reductions.

[cathybwilcox]

That's wonderful. How did you manage to take the work load reduction?  Was it difficult?

[offthemarket]

I didn't take a work load reduction.  I took a whole semester off, and a summer.  FMLA.  No problem at all.

[orangejuls]

I didn't take a work load reduction.  I took a whole semester off, and a summer.  FMLA.  No problem at all.

No, you said that parental care never affects fathers directly.

You said without qualification that men do not take time off to care for their children.

Okay, maybe YOUR man didn't.  I sure took nine months off, and the majority of my male colleagues have taken time off or significant workload reductions.

I didn't use the absolute. I said many fathers, not all fathers, not even most fathers.

I don't find this surprising at all. I think that many fathers are unaware of the situation, because it never affects them directly. 

The use of the absolute here is absolute bigotry.

I didn't see the use of the "absolute," here, and cathybwilcox inserted links to an academic study that supported what she had to say--in a qualified fashion.  While I think that it's great that you, offthemarket, were able to take time off for the birth of your child with few or no repercussions, I think you'd find that few men are in this good of a position.  I know several family members who have had similar "threats" as the OP, or who have been shocked at the very idea of taking time off.  Few families can also swing this financially.  Even in "progressive" families (like, well, mine), it frequently falls on the mothers to do the majority of child care. 

I think it's fantastic that you took such an active role, but please remember that for a large number of women in the US--not to mention worldwide--being a mom is the full time job.  I don't think anyone meant any offense, & I certainly don't, but (especially according to the study that cathybwilcox posted) it's not most families' reality.

[tolerantly]

I think that many fathers are unaware of the situation, because it never affects them directly.  They do not take time off for the birth of children...
Welcome to our world.

Wow.  It sounds like you have some issues.

No, it sounds like you have a gigantic chip on your shoulder, and also like you can't read or are being disingenuous. Cathy said that many men are never directly affected by the work-baby strain, and this is true.  A decided minority of men jump in and take active responsibility for the kids and home life beyond breadwinning.  And of those, most overestimate the percentage of the load they're carrying.  Once in a long, long while you run across a man who actually is responsible for childcare to the point where he cannot go to meetings or conferences, or stay late at work, unless he himself sets up the childcare for it.  The few men in this situation that I've met have been single fathers without girlfriends or mothers handy.  I am still waiting to meet the married man whose career is "his choice", making him 100% responsible for finding and hiring childcare, stepping in when the sitter doesn't show, taking the day off every time the kid is sick, etc. 

"Involved" and "responsible" are two very different things. 

[monsterx]

  I am still waiting to meet the married man whose career is "his choice", making him 100% responsible for finding and hiring childcare, stepping in when the sitter doesn't show, taking the day off every time the kid is sick, etc. 

"Involved" and "responsible" are two very different things. 

And I have yet to meet the married woman who will just let her husband pick the childcare provider without monitoring the whole process.