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[uksquirrel]

I'm sorry if this is really just a vent but any advice about how to sort my head out with this would be much appreciated because it's like some horrible itch I keep scratching until it really, really hurts...

I'm in my second VAP and have been teaching full-time for almost 5 years now - PhD 6 years ago - a book on the way, most of another one developed, two edited collections (both with big cheeses in my humanities discipline), three international conferences organised, plus quite a few articles - plus I've supervised something like 20 MA dissertations, several of which have gone on to do PhDs (though necessarily with other people because I'm temporary and can't supervise them).  I love my current department where I now have several close friends among my colleagues (all of whom are at least bearable even genial), I love the city it's in though it's hundreds of miles from the place my longtime partner and I own and where I now only visit on the odd weekends, and I love my discipline.  I'm a great teacher, a great colleague, and I work as hard as I can to be a great scholar.  I have a strong reputation in my field as a new voice, and apparently I have excellent references.  People tell me to keep publishing, keep publishing, keep publishing and "I'll definitely get a job eventually".

The flipside of all this is that I have the obvious complete lack of longterm job prospects and the longer I'm hanging around out here, the worse they seem to get.  I argue regularly and horribly with my partner about what and where our future is going to be (and not least whether we are going to have any children - because I'm now close to 40), drink too much wine when on my own (which is now most of the time since I'm here and he's there), wake up in the middle of the night riddled with worry, and generally suffer from bouts of depression which increasingly seem to be interfering with my writing.  I am so incredibly sick of hearing that "I'll definitely get a job eventually, you're so great, how could you not, it's unthinkable..."  I feel like I'm actually in the middle of my career and yet somehow I've managed not to have a proper job yet.  I'm too exhaused and too old to slum it and rough it through life any more.  Unless something comes up, I will be unemployed as of June, with big debts, some of which I incurred in moving to where I now work.  There have been no jobs (permanent or otherwise) in my field this year.  Of the many jobs I've applied for over the years, I invariably come second.  I'm so close to the end of my tether with it all, and just think maybe I should go home, get pregnant (if indeed I can) and put all the degrees etc. behind me as a wrong turn made years ago from which I should recover by starting in some new career doing something completely different.  I.e., wipe the slate clean, stop asphyxiating myself with anticipation as I wait for life to begin, and start breathing and living for the first time in my thirties...

Anyway, that's my life as it has stood for a while.  Now lady fortune has dumped on my eiderdown some more, in a manner that really feels like it's going to tip me completely over the edge.  My department recently made three permanent appointments, none of which was in my area or close to it - understandably given that they need faculty to cover key areas that aren't currently taught, though I keep hearing over and again from colleagues how desperate they are to keep me, how there's going to be a post for me soon, blah blah blah.  So I didn't apply for any of these posts, and yet somehow feel as depressed as the losing candidates must feel - because all of them went to completely new PhDs, in fact one of them doesn't even have a PhD yet, in their first job interviews.  And one of them is a former student of mine.  I just feel totally and utterly eclipsed, crushed, ashamed of myself, old and useless.  What did I do in a former life to deserve this one?!  To top it all, my lovely head of department came skipping in to my office, asking whether I was as excited as she was about these new appointments...

I'm not suicidal - but I feel like I'm close.  I've got lots of writing to do in order to get some articles done before the summer but I'm really beginning to wonder whether it's actually worth it.  It seems like somebody out there is trying to tell me something: "give up".

Sorry for this rather long pointless message - but any advice on how to jig my brain back towards something like acceptance or neutrality (even if not contentment) would be wonderful.

[just_wondering]

Wow. You sound so accomplished, so smart. You sound as if you've made all the right moves and yet there has been frustration upon frustration. Not to mention the ticking biological clock.

I'm sure you'll hear more of the advice you've already been given. Just hang in there ... you never know.

So, I'll suggest something different. Why don't you just take a couple of days off (or even one day) and just imagine other possible futures. Do web research. Talk to friends (academic and non-academic alike). Don't just ask yourself if you could be happy leaving academia, try to visualize other kinds of careers or lifestyles.

You mentionned debt. Do you have to work to pay this off right away? Or could you postpone payments for a while? Could your partner help out for a bit, while you take some time off?

Ask yourself why you went into academia in the first place? Have you fulfilled your original goals? Or not? Have your goals shifted?

Even if you realize you still want to stay in academia, the very process of thinking of other possibilies can be freeing.

[niceday]

That does sound like you've been cornered.

Hard to offer you advise but I'd definitely suggest that you do not stay there another year. They already know you. If another position that is even remotely suitable for you opens up, and if you can work things out with your SO, do apply. But one more year at that place will not add to your qualifications and may crush your spirit; it will be especially hard watching the new hires stumble and do a much worse job than you (which they likely will since they are so wet behind the ears compared to you) can be difficult. Quit. If they want you back, they will try even if you are no longer there.

In the meantime, work on your stuff to the degree you enjoy it. You already seem to have a lot of accomplishments. Try to see if you can put your debts in forbearance; in this economy you would not be the first or last to have money problems. I think your creditors should be secondary at this point to your sanity and recovering your joy in living and working. If you have no other options, go to the city where you own a house with your SO and see if you can recover your enjoyment of your work, think deeply about children, your relationship, your next steps... Good luck.

[chelation]

Don't apologize--get wise! These folks are not appreciating you. Remember, too, all the great things you've accomplished. Also, the new hires are not in your area; if they were in your area, you'd definitely be the ONE. But I do agree, seeing your former student there in a permanent position--pickaxe to the heart. I agree with the colleague above: set your priorities straight. You want a child? Focus on that. Make changes. I'm on the verge of setting off on a new path myself if I get dumped from this VAP gig. All the accolades in the world will not compensate for lost time. As a sage once told me, "We can always look back, but we can't go back." I'm tired of applying for jobs every year. I want to have a life--or as my students say, "Get a life!" You sound like too good a soul to be sitting around moping and worrying. 

[educator1]

Your message isn't pointless. It sounds like that you have a lot to be proud of and have not wasted any part of your life.

It does, however, look like you might want to re-consider how you look at the future. Rather than take the attitude that all will be great when someone else does something (like hiring you for a job that doesn't seem to exist), take time to look at yourself and discover what YOU want to do.

If you re-read your post you might discover that you have already decided to start breathing!

[magistra]

I second the idea of taking a long weekend to sit on the beach, or hike, or whatever, and leave it all behind to get some perspective.  Think about the family you're possibly giving up, your personal goals as well as professional ones.  What will really make you happy?

It seems you've done all you can do to find a position -- no guilt allowed!  Time to whip up plan B and possibly C.  You don't need to use them, just have them.  And you can still publish and be a valuable member of your field even without an affiliation.  It might be a lot harder, but it's still possible, and then you can jump in again when, say, the economy is better.

I'd also recommend you talk to a therapist.  It seems like you're very depressed, and so far down that you don't trust in yourself anymore.  It's hard to make decisions that way.  Two freakin' books?  You've accomplished a lot.  A LOT a lot.  And you're still quite young.  Consider quitting, keep publishing, have the baby if that's what you really want, enjoy being with your SO.  Let people know you're available and apply when something good comes up.  If not, time to make new plans.  Something tells me you'll do spectacular things in a new career, too, and quite possibly have more free time for family, more money, etc. 

[luvstowrite]

What kept you from smarting off to your chair, something like "I'd be a lot happier if one of those new hires was me." One of our VAP did that and woke the chair up...

[treehouse]

Wow, and what did the chair do then?

[msparticularity]

UKSquirrel, you have my deepest sympathy. The job market is just hideous in many fields right now, has been for some time, and looks like remaining so for some time to come.

I was struck very forcibly by one part of your post. You didn't even apply for the positions in your department, since you perceive them as entirely outside your specialty area--yet your former student, with no experience, got a position. You don't mention your field, so forgive me if this is off-base, but--how can your department even try to keep you if you don't apply for their positions? As you note, these job listings were driven by their real and pressing needs, so it's not the case that they could just write a job description to suit you. But the fact that you didn't apply seems to me like it might have signaled to them that you don't want to stay with them.

[jgs3820]

You have my sympathy. No one appreciates being taken advantage of, and it sounds like you have been, and then some!

I am certain that the people who say "hang in there" really believe that this is the best course of action---after all, no one wants to admit that a smart, accomplished scholar won't get a tenure track job! But as a number of articles in the Chronicle and elsewhere have noted as of late, the sad truth is that there just aren't enough jobs to go around. And the even sadder truth is that it seems to be the case that the longer one is out from graduation, the tougher it is to find a job. I've known a few career-adjuncts who are brilliant scholars but haven't been able to snag a tenure-track job. It is horribly unfair but it's just the way things are.

I would recommend taking some time off to get some perspective and to also connect with others who are in your same situation. Google wrk4us, which is an email list-serv for people who are looking to leave academia or have already transitioned out. There has been a lot of activity on there these past few months from people who are in situations similar to yours. One of the administrators of the list-serv is Lexi Lord, who also runs the Beyond Academe website. Both of these are excellent resources for thinking beyond the world of academia, if only to get some perspective.

I would also recommend finding ways to make some healthy changes in your habits. From my layman's perspective, it sounds like you might be experiencing some depression (which is understandable given your situation), and of course, drinking too much wine on a regular basis is not going to help things, no matter your mental state.

I won't go so far as to say you must leave the department you're in, but you may want to consider this as a serious option for at least three reasons: 1) you have debts to pay that aren't getting paid in your current position, 2) you are living far away from your partner and aren't able to start a family (which it sounds like is a goal for you) and 3) they have made it clear through their hiring actions that they aren't interested in giving you a F/T job. I think of it like a dating relationship: at a certain point, you have to just cut your losses and move on if you're not getting what you need to be happy and healthy.

My best wishes to you.

[porcupine]

uksquirrel, I read your post and it chimed with how I have been feeling, though at least I have the advantage of living with Mr. P. rather than enduring a long-distance relationship. I think you might consider taking time entirely for yourself, perhaps one day a week or a couple of hours a day, and enjoying that time to the utmost. Be really selfish about it. No work, and no worrying about career matters, or even family hassles - do exactly what you feel like doing, no matter what that is, and damn the consequences.

I started doing this just this semester, and while I could have used the time in other ways, my mental health has benefited tremendously from this. I no longer come home and uncork a bottle of wine as a first course of action, which I had (to my horror) begun to do, and I actually manage to relax a little during the week as well as at weekends. Maybe if you try this out for a few weeks, you might feel a little brighter, and then you can think more about what you want to do career-wise.

[hibiscus]

Dear OP, You are not alone.  A life lived in 'asphyxiating anticipation' captures my own predicament brilliantly.  I have no smart advice, only genuine heartfelt sympathy.  It really comes down to coping - to how much you can keep persuading yourself to stay vested in the goal.  I am holding on literally feeling the earth rotate round its axis and watching hours vanish to a past as I wait for some news on a current application.  I am too tired, waning, weakened and haggard from trying to regain control of my life.  In fits and bursts, I find the strength to be optimistic.  But it's hard.  Sometimes life is just bloody random, nasty and brutish and thank god, short.  I wish you strength and the very best of luck in whatever you decide. 

How DO you cope when you are fragilely hovering in the space between 'okay, I can still breathe (and therefore create) my way forward' to 'I am so damn tired and weakened and surrender to this indifferent universe' ?  ~H.

[drannmaria]

There is always another option. I was tenured and left for more money. I was told that I would never be able to come back to academe. Since then, I have at various times taught in a nearby university while working at my corporate job, taught professional development courses for my corporate employer, written articles because I wanted to write them, and now I am back at a university in a staff position with consulting income on the side.

This makes me a terrible person in the eyes of some, but I left academe because the pay is so much less than comparable work elsewhere. I thought faculty members were really taken advantage of and I got tired of it.

As for them hiring new people, I cannot say about your field. I can tell you that I worked with some great people in English, history and biology who published more than me, were terrific teachers, but I teach statistics, where there is a shortage of professors, so I received full-time appointments over them. Many departments are required to have a statistics course or two and someone has to teach them.

I'd ask your department chair flat out the odds of getting hired full-time.

I do sympathize. I loved teaching, which is why I did it occasionally part-time. In the end, though, I decided I could not see working the same hours as a corporate position for one-third the pay. There are downsides to everything and it is not for everyone, but you do have other options. Over the years since leaving my faculty job, I have traveled a lot, learned a lot.

[tenured_feminist]

I agree with all of those who are saying basically that you need to disinvest emotionally in your current university and invest in yourself. The psychological benefits of knowing that you are wanted and needed and loved are all wonderful, of course, but they are not paying up where the rubber meets the road. This is not love and appreciation. It's exploitation.

Work on what you're paid to work on, and use the rest of the time for yourself. Be unemotional but firm in communicating that you must give up doing all the extras because it's time to focus on burnishing your credentials for an all out search for a tenure-stream position. Then see what they do.

[leyli]

I'll jump in, suggesting along with others that you should go home for a year or two, have kids (if you've stayed home raising children, you won't have to look for excuses later why you've left the academe in the first place), write a few more papers so you won't become rusty, and maybe adjunct at a local college for a while. Can your partner support you financially while you're on maternity?