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[spectacle]

Ugh.  My SO has a campus visit and I'm acting like a total brat about it.  Of course I'm proud of him, I'm happy for him, I couldn't be more pleased. But there's also a part of me feeling bruised and battered.  A big part of this is the fact that I've applied for over 75 jobs, he applied for maybe 20. 

My brain says: this is logical - I'm in a more flexible field, I can apply for jobs in a lot of different departments, he's in a super-specific field - there were fewer jobs. My ego says: Aaaaagh! wtf!? How is it possible that he'd get a campus visit when I've put in over triple the effort!?!  My brain says: he's done with school, he's been out for a year; I still haven't defended. My ego says: It's so unfair! Why is life unfair?!?!  I hate the world! 

He's my partner - I adore him.  I'm glad that he's talented and lucky.  I just need to get this out of my system because he can tell that I'm hurting and it's ruining his excitement - he feels guilty.  He shouldn't feel guilty about having an interview.  This should be about his success and achievement, not my ego.

I feel like this was addressed before on this board, but my search didn't turn anything up.  Anyway, it's getting to be campus visit time, so it'll probably come up for other people.  Go on, tell me what a brat I am.  *sigh*

[mignon]

Snap out of telling yourself to snap out of it.  Pour yourself a stiff drink.  Have some ice cream.  Call a friend and whine.  It's okay.  You need to give yourself permission to be less than perfect.

Just don't take it out on LuckySpouse.  But you knew that.

Good luck.  My spouse and I have been in this position for years (I am LuckySpouse, he is UnluckySpouse).  It sucks, but things gradually start to matter less as you get older.

[just_wondering]

It sucks, but things gradually start to matter less as you get older.

So true!

sfm,

Here's another idea. Maybe you can take a step back and realize that it's the academic system itself that helps generates and in fact feeds on these feelings of discontent and jealousy. In any case, it might help to depersonalize the negative feelings towards your partner ... realize they're due in part to social context and expectations that you've internalized. Just think millenia ago, we probably would have been thrilled just to have had enough to eat!

Or you could just go for some Merlot, a hot bath and a good book.

[kamiakin]

Yikes! If I were your husband I would understand, but I would also be extremely disappointed that I could not share my excitement with you and that I did not have your support. This is bad and corrosive--though I don't have any advice on how to move past it.

[the_honey_badger]

Its good you recognize it and realize that it is irrational---you aren't finished, his job market is completely different and has its own internal logic and competition. I've watched people in the same field with the same qualifications and at the same level go through this and that is a whole different nightmare: how do you get around the fact that you lost in the same pool to someone you live with?  I actually saw one person ruin a marriage over his inability to move past it at any stage up to and including the job offer.

First, you are thinking that effort in = reward. You know this isn't true.
Second, you know you are working out of disappointment about your own *separate* search. That's realistic in human terms---who isn't when it goes this way.

My advice is that you are in the best position in a two-body situation to get to that "rational place" where you can separate the two. The best case where I saw that was with a close friend who kept running all these same logical arguments through her head and worked very hard at venting about personal disappointment to outsiders and *practicing* enthusiasm toward her husband over the good fortune he had in his *separate* search that would improve life for them both if he was successful. Key to this in our humanities field was repeating: "I don't have my degree yet, the odds were so stacked against me. Next year I'll be viable"  But, as she said: "I'm going to practice being happy for him until I am happy for him."

Good luck

[temporaryname]

<snip>

Good luck.  My spouse and I have been in this position for years (I am LuckySpouse, he is UnluckySpouse).  It sucks, but things gradually start to matter less as you get older.

Chime on that. Of course, this is coming from LuckySpouse (which is not least because my field's hiring season runs about a month ahead of my UnluckySpouse, so I naturally got offers first, but my UnluckySpouse has nicely lucrative non-academic possibilities that I don't, so I suppose it evens out).

As long as both of you can keep an even keel about things, you'll eventually find comfortable roles to settle into, and you may both find yourselves feeling a little LuckySpouse about the way things ended up.

Advice from my UnluckySpouse: Whatever you do, if you find yourself weighed down by being UnluckySpouse, don't let it consume you. Yeah, a good cry or two is in order while you're going through what you're going through, but remember that the tenure-track position at a wonderful college or university isn't the only option, nor is it always the best option even for people who think that it's their best option. A few years down the road you may find yourself outearning your LuckySpouse while working at a job where you're actually making a difference for the better in the daily lives of people, not to mention not having to do any grading, and you might start wondering which one's the lucky one after all...

[square]

I think you are very self-aware to have come to grips with your emotions and feelings. It's probably natural to have a bit of a bruised ego, but with time (and some wine, chocolate, friends, or other healthy distractions), I imagine you will find that your happiness for your partner outshines the negative feelings you have associated with your own job searches. You never know what might happen in the future, to your own professional interests, luck, goals, situation, etc. or your partner's. Hang in there and I imagine that this too shall pass!

[spectacle]

Thanks, everyone... it just took a couple of days.  Also, I bought him a gorgeous leather messenger bag to take with him, since his battered canvas one doesn't look very professorial. Something about buying him a gift made me feel a million times better. 

But now I'm just ecstatic.  We're spending all of our spare time researching silly things like the hotel where he's staying, or trying to guess where they'll take him for dinner. 

I know I was being a brat, but he understands why and he doesn't hold it against me.  I'm pretty lucky.  Thank you for the kick in the behind, and for not calling me a horrible partner.  ;)