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[riptide]

I have never told any current colleagues of my disability, because of the stigma.  My disability is a mental illness that can get severe enough to require hospitalization. I try like hell to take my meds, keep healthy, etc., etc.  But there are symptoms that exist, no matter what.  Before taking this job 3 years ago, I was out on disability for almost a year and a half trying to recover from an episode.

While I would hope that academia is accepting of differences, I find it not so.  I get tired of the constant judgmental comments about "weight" and fat people. ~ I take several medications and have gained about 60 pounds.  I am not overweight because I am eating chocolate chip cookies all day.  I probably eat less than all of them and I exercise 2 times a day....

I had a mentor that I wanted to tell just for support in my new department,  but this mentor out of the blue once stated that "people with mental health problems can't be trusted."  I was shocked.  I have had this mental illness since my early 20s and I am a very trustworthy person.

I have found "less educated" people more accepting of differences than my colleagues.

Anyone else run into issues like this? 
Do you believe that your disability/illness which is part of your life, should have to be hidden in secrecy for your acceptance?

[msparticularity]

Riptide, I agree that our society doesn't do well with disabilities generally, and we're really, really bad at mental health issues. A big part of the problem is the whole Puritan discipline issue: mental health problems are often looked upon as a lack of self-control or something else the sufferer could deal with if only they had enough willpower. For some overlapping reasons, I think people also find it frightening/threatening to work with someone who they think may suddenly get "out of control." And people who have not had these issues (or who have and are freaked out) tend to be very extreme in one of these two directions--or both--thinking people with mental health disabilities should either just "buck up and deal with it" or that they're likely to become dangerous with no warning.

If you haven't already done so, I urge you to open a file with your campus disabilities office. If you should need to miss work or ask for accommodations due to your illness, it will be much easier if you're not starting from scratch--especially since starting from scratch while suffering from a severe episode can be nearly impossible.

My situation is a little different from yours, but I share some of your thoughts and questions. I suffered from severe depression and anxiety earlier in my life, but they have been responsive (after many years) to treatment. Now, however, I have a degenerative physical condition--RA--and do get severe flares sometimes. I'm generally able to muddle through, but I do worry about what will happen if my flares become more severe. Many of my symptoms, like fatigue and general pain, are things that people tend to dismiss or take lightly, though, so I also worry that people will think I'm just making excuses. And I haven't told anyone in my department, although several people know in a general way that I have "some joint issues." 

So, while my situation is clearly easier than yours, I do have a little bit of an idea what you're going through. I guess I just want to say it's not your fault; it's a measure of our societal dysfunction. I think your mentor's response is a great example of that. And it just shows that you are probably safer if you only talk to very trusted people. Sad, huh? But welcome to this little corner of the Fora--we whine talk to each other about this stuff all the time!

[riptide]

msparticularity :  Thanks for your response.  I am not sure my condition is any more difficult than yours, in the sense that we are unable to be "ourselves" in  our workplace.  Plus, I know someone that has RA and the flare-ups are horrible for her; to the point of not being able to do anything.

I think the thing that disturbs me so much is that we are supposed to be working in atmospheres that are known for being "more liberal and accepting," but the truth is that this is not true on the inside.  I am even in a field that has a "liberal/we love people bend" and some of the things that people say astonish me.

I think alot of people think that people with disabilities are asking for an excuse or a reason not to do anything or have less responsibility.  In my experience, that is so far from the truth...most people with a disability or health issue try to do more because of the pre-existing stigma.


Over 12 years of my illness, I have learned things that help my mind function and ALOT has to do with stress control.    For example,  I know that I can not leave a grant application to the last minute; I can't be waiting for things from people.  My colleagues can't give it to me the "night-before."  For example, it means that when my thoughts get out of control, putting me into a committee where arguing is on-going is a nightmare.

I don't see these as "excuses."  I see these as aids which would assist me in doing my job successfully.  I had a colleague who broke her arm and I offered to carry things, write things for students, etc.  Never thought twice about it.  I was offering so that she was successful with her job under the circumstances.

I am sure my colleagues think I am a "nutcase," but it is sad that I can't be open and educate them about my illness.  And it is even sadder in an arena of such educated people that this is true.

[msparticularity]

I think the thing that disturbs me so much is that we are supposed to be working in atmospheres that are known for being "more liberal and accepting," but the truth is that this is not true on the inside.  I am even in a field that has a "liberal/we love people bend" and some of the things that people say astonish me.

Yeah, I have found this kind of thing incredibly disillusioning. I worked for non-profits for some time, and it nearly made me anti-everything "humanitarian." I kept thinking, and saying, "But how can an organization founded upon the principles you claim to uphold behave this way?"

I'm a "college brat" so I had no such illusions about education. It's actually made things much easier, since I don't get blindsided by the politics and general weirdness.

And I agree that the vast majority of people with disabilities actually over-compensate.

[sikora]

This is the story of my life, I've beaten it to death on these fora. 

OP, please feel free to pm me. 

And see Marc Bousquet's interview with Maria D., in the CHE Brainstorm. 

[tangerine]

Riptide,

Similar experience here. I have a chronic neurological illness that (as far as I know) I've been able to keep hidden. I have been shocked at comments made by my colleagues, at times openly at faculty meetings, about the disabled and the ill. I think that it is one of the last few acceptable prejudices. People are often unaware that they have the biases. The sick person might be lazy, or incompetent, or a malingerer, or gaining some secondary benefit from the condition (that one always cracks me up), or even that the illness is the sufferers own fault. They think with so many ways to get well, surely it would be possible to do so, so why haven't they? Healthy people will take an attitude of moral superiority over the sick person -- I take good care of myself, exercise and eat right -- that will never happen to me. As in, the sick are probably to blame for their own illness.

Not that it makes it right, but I think that part of this bias occurs because at some level, whether they recognize it or not, people are aware that the disabled group is one that anyone can enter at any time. All it takes is a bad fall or car accident or a faulty gene to surface, and you're in. That, of course, is the reason for prejudice. Nobody wants to think they are like the disabled, or could ever be anything like them. It's much more comfortable that way.

[elsie]

Yes, it's a way of maintaining denial of the fact that "disabled people" (as opposed to "people with disabilities") are a minority group that anyone can enter without forewarning. It's a way of maintaining a themness that excludes the speaker.

For myself, people know that I have chronic pain issues. I've need to use a cane at various points, which can't be hidden.

[whatsmyname]

I'd venture to say that pretty much everyone in the US over the age of 40 (and therefore nearly every academic) has some or several, serious physical issues.

Also, young people in the US have such poor diets and exercise so infrequently, things are going to get very serious very soon.

[prytania3]

Riptide, you need to be proud of your mental illness. Carry yourself like people are missing out on something if they don't officially have a screw loose.

Everyone on this fora knows I'm Bipolar, and everybody at my college knows, and all my friends know. In fact, is there anyone who doesn't know? Now granted, it's obnoxious when I get b*tchy, and some assklown says, "You need to check your meds," or "Have you seen your psychiatrist lately?" Really. That gets old. Sometimes I'm just b*tchy. Sometimes people say things that are so ridiculous, I have to give a smartass comeback. It has nothing whatsoever to do with being BP.

But seriously, I did have an episode and needed to take a year off of work, so I am completely documented at work. I think it's better to have it documented, too, because you never know when something will happen.

Your mentor is a bit of an assklown, too, but here's the thing. If you make it known the nature of your illness, people will accept it, and change their minds concerning their preconceptions. Really. On paper I'm the craziest person at the college, but everyone these days thinks I'm the total voice of reason. Go figure?

As for the weight, I gained--well, never mind what I gained, but I went on Nutrisystem two months ago, and I have lost 17 pounds. It's been slow going, but the weight is coming off. I'll be happy losing another 23 pounds.

[tangerine]

Hi Prytania,
Thanks for the thoughtful post. I appreciate your thoughts on your disclosure changing the perceptions of your colleagues, assklowns excluded. I assume it helps to be tenured... not the situation for everyone. Do you think this matters?
T.

[kissa_mau]

Hi Prytania,
Thanks for the thoughtful post. I appreciate your thoughts on your disclosure changing the perceptions of your colleagues, assklowns excluded. I assume it helps to be tenured... not the situation for everyone. Do you think this matters?
T.

I am curious about this also. I have to use a cane rather frequently and have some unfortunate neurological issues. I'm also on the job market. It seems like a scary point to be in to have an uncooperative brain.

[prytania3]

Hi Prytania,
Thanks for the thoughtful post. I appreciate your thoughts on your disclosure changing the perceptions of your colleagues, assklowns excluded. I assume it helps to be tenured... not the situation for everyone. Do you think this matters?
T.

Well, tenure does cure a range of what ails you, for sure. I was first given a Dx of bipolar in the early 80s, but I decided the psychiatrist was a quack and ignored her. I was then diagnosed as BP again in 1990 and prescribed lithium. I could not stand being on lithium, and unfortunately, I didn't know that with BP, you have to do a lot of experimenting with drugs to get the right cocktail, so I blew off the psychiatrist as yet another know-nothing and the lithium, and decided not to be BP. My problem (just like the narrator of Tell-Tale Heart was just nerves, so I went to Dr. Quack (those doctors who are happy to write you a script for just about anything) and got prescriptions for valium, ativan, clonopin, librium--I liked trying all the different benzodiazepines, and they actually helped to some extent.

So I revealed nothing when I was untenured (because in my mind, there was nothing to reveal since I had flatly rejected all that bipolar nonsense), but I have to say, I did some interesting things when I was untenured that probably would have gotten most people fired, but because I had a reputation of being a rising star (despite the interesting behavior), I got tenure and promotions, etc. I was totally manic when I was untenured, and you simply don't think you have a problem when you're manic. You think you're God. And I look back at all the things I managed to accomplish pre-tenure, and I'm amazed, but I was always going 100mph, and nothing was impossible. I miss that. I really do. I miss being God.

Post-tenure I got a wicked case of depression. And this, btw, is why BP can be so hard to diagnose. No one goes for help when hu is manic. Why would you? People only go when the depression sets in. So I went to a psychiatrist, and he diagnosed me as bipolar right off the bat and dispatched me with the requisite medication. I was a bit more accepting of the diagnosis because I was seeing a bit of unmanageability in my life. When I told people I was close to that I was bipolar, they practically laughed. They were like, "You think?" So apparently my behavior was so classic that everyone knew it but me, which kind of pissed me off because no one told me.

I did alert my chair, however, as we had a very strained relationship, so I thought being officially nutty might help things. He wasn't surprised either, but when I think back on it, it didn't really help our relationship much. But by that time, I was tenured, and he was an elected chair (who could be unelected), so it was more of an annoyance then a threat. However, I was glad I had told him because several years later, precipitated by certain events, I had a complete meltdown, and I was very glad it was on record when *that* happened.

So now you've heard a whole long story, and I still haven't answered your question. I guess it depends. If you are on the proper medication and not doing anything loony, you can keep it to yourself and hope for the best that something doesn't happen which causes a meltdown. *Ideally* I would see if I could have it confidentially on record at HR--that way, if you have an episode, it's on record. But confidential is really the key word in that situation. If, however, you are showing *interesting behavior,* it is better to come clean because people are much more accepting if they realize you have an official problem as opposed to being a loony tune who is clueless to hus own behavior. The latter comprises the category of people we fear and often loathe.

Best of luck.

[menotti]

While I would hope that academia is accepting of differences, I find it not so.  I get tired of the constant judgmental comments about "weight" and fat people. ~ I take several medications and have gained about 60 pounds.  I am not overweight because I am eating chocolate chip cookies all day.  I probably eat less than all of them and I exercise 2 times a day....

Just to point out - your colleagues who are fat are probably not eating chocolate chip cookies all day, either.  100 extra calories a day - half a Coke - adds up to 10 lbs. a year.  Permanent adult weight loss is incredibly difficult.

[tangerine]

Thanks, Prytania.
I opted for the "checking-disabled-box-on-form-at-HR-office-and hope-it-stays-there-approach", but so far have not had conversations with anyone. Hopefully I will know if that becomes necessary.
Cheers,
T.

[sikora]

I lost two jobs because of bipolar II.  I learned that there are many ways around the ADA.  For me, the symptoms of my illness led to inappropriate behavior, such as tearfulness.  In one case, my supervisors were helpful when I was sick, but as soon as I was stable, the issue became one of trust.  Suddenly I could do nothing right.  In my last job, the whole place was toxic, and I suffered a mixed-state episode that included psychosis.  I was too sick to even off myself.  After I recovered and was back at work, the dean came to my office and asked, "So, Sikora, are you going to be here next year?  We really need to know...."  My colleague from hell stood up in a faculty meeting and said he would never support my tenure application, and he was in line for chair. There were other issues, too.

Take a look at this: http://www.vnsdepression.com/pp10-286-articles_6-23-04-Normal-Is-a-Place-I-Visit.htm  It is an essay written by a physician with bipolar disorder.

If my colleagues knew that I was bipolar, I fear that I would never again be taken seriously, that I would be viewed as the "impaired physician," who, at a display of passion or emotion, would be seen as having an "episode."  My hard earned creditability would be lost. My right to express even normal anger or irritablity, happiness, or my effervescent sense of humor would be suspected as pathological. I would lose the right to just have a bad day.

If I had lost a breast to cancer or had Parkinson's disease, I would have the concern and sympathy of my community.  But this illness is perhaps harder to bear because it is yoked with shame and secrecy. I am not missing a body part nor do I have a resting tremor.  Yet I struggle with a chronic and debilitating illness with a high morbidity and mortality rate.