|
collegekidsmom
|
 |
« Reply #15 on: November 10, 2011, 07:34:39 PM » |
|
Also, remember that if you can afford it, and you don't have family around, you can pay someone to be the baby's full time nanny for a couple of years. You can pay for longer days, etc. Your husband has tenure so there is that support network in terms of finances, even if he is far away for now. You could separate the decision from the practical part and just explore whether you want to have a baby now, or ever. As others have said, is year 2 better, or three, or the year you go up?
What's good is that there are many options, and you know yourself what you can (or want to) handle. While it is definitely possible to be a single mother, and to even enjoy it, only you know whether that is something you can handle and whether your husband would make some changes to adjust to impending parenthood. Your description almost makes it sound like he really wouldn't be part of the equation. If that is the case, what role would he play in a baby's life at this point. Would he travel often, or just not be any part of it? That, to me, would be a big factor in the decision-making. What can he do, or would it all be on you?
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
|
itried
|
|
« Reply #16 on: November 10, 2011, 07:50:01 PM » |
|
Yes, worried, I can really see how your circumstances are making you so deeply conflicted. I don't have any other contributions at this point, but I wanted to check in to let you know I'm thinking of you and wishing you all clarity in your process, and peace in your decision.
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
|
anon99
|
|
« Reply #17 on: November 10, 2011, 08:22:43 PM » |
|
Does the university have day care and is there a single parent support group you could visit/talk to. Others have given great advise already and it does get easier on TT once you find your feet.
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
|
slinger
|
|
« Reply #18 on: November 10, 2011, 08:26:43 PM » |
|
There is no perfect time.
This is so true. |
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
Several threads on the fora could be solved by just Being A Damn Grownup.
|
|
|
|
wilbrish
|
|
« Reply #19 on: November 11, 2011, 12:16:59 AM » |
|
OP, I hope you are not thinking too much about "what your colleagues will think." It's ultimately your life.
PLEASE TAKE THIS AS MY EXPERIENCE ONLY:
I was in a position similar to yours and had the baby. I never would have been "ready," personally. I went to my OB and she said, "Is your marriage good? Then you should have the baby." For me, it turned out to be the open window. I never got pregnant again after having my son.
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
|
zuzu_
|
|
« Reply #20 on: November 11, 2011, 12:31:49 PM » |
|
The other thing I want to point out is that if you DO decide to have the baby, and you DO end up living apart from your husband for an extended period of time, there is no rule that YOU have to be the full time single parent for all of that time. Of course, in the beginning, especially if you decide to breastfeed, you are the one who will be most affected by the new baby.
However you and your husband could trade weeks or trade months being the single parent. Or, if his tenure makes his life a little more laid back than yours, he could have more time as the single parent.
Of course society makes mothers think, "OMG I could never be apart from my child!" (and I sympathize with that feeling myself), but fathers, including good fathers, are often away from their children for extended periods of time due to career issues.
Just something to consider.
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
|
alto_stratus
|
|
« Reply #21 on: November 11, 2011, 12:58:51 PM » |
|
A grandparent/relative/friend may be willing to step in and help, too. I've known people who sent their child to live in another country with relatives, or brought someone over from another country to help at home when they weren't able to parent on their own. Not sure if that's an option for you.
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
|
fourhats
|
|
« Reply #22 on: November 11, 2011, 02:31:16 PM » |
|
A grandparent/relative/friend may be willing to step in and help, too. I've known people who sent their child to live in another country with relatives, or brought someone over from another country to help at home when they weren't able to parent on their own. Not sure if that's an option for you. That's why I wondered if a relative were available. There's also the possibility of an au pair for a year or two, particularly if there is a chance that she could take classes on your off days. |
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
|
niceday
|
|
« Reply #23 on: November 11, 2011, 07:40:54 PM » |
|
He has tenure? He almost certainly qualifies for family leave. In many places, this will be with full or partial pay but at worst, he can take time off under FMLA without pay.
If he takes a semester off plus a summer, that covers the first nine months. Daycare options get better and better as the child gets older so if you can somehow cobble together the first year with him taking some sort of leave and maybe then you can take a semester off somewhere, you will be in much better shape.
I'm not advocating a path but just pointing out that he has tenure. He has tenure. Whatever you guys decide to do, you should try to protect your career first as you are a lot more vulnerable.
By the way, I got pregnant and had my kid the very first year on the T-T. I took a semester off, froze my tenure clock. It wasn't a problem at all. You might find that your department is supportive.
Good luck. Kids are, well, not something you can somehow dictate. It's the first rule of having kids. You kind of let go of certain element of control. They make things less convenient and predictable. I won't go into the upsides (it's kind of hard to describe how amazing it can be) but there's just no "perfect" time to have a kid for most working couples.
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
danseuse322
New member
Posts: 21
|
|
« Reply #24 on: December 04, 2011, 10:41:53 PM » |
|
I can't imagine the emotional upheaval you must feel. I would have to agree with other poster that if the thought of abortion makes you sad, it's probably a sign of how you would feel after. Likewise, I can see what complications would arise at this stage in your career. Adoption might be harder emotionally, but might be an avenue to consider as a truly happy medium. I feel like I'm intruding, but as someone pointed out since you asked you are actually asking for feedback. Take it for what it's worth; truly, I wish you the best.
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
klaradeb
Junior member
Posts: 77
|
|
« Reply #25 on: December 05, 2011, 08:22:17 AM » |
|
Danseuse, I can see how the OP would be afraid of feeling stigmatized if after seeing her go through pregnancy, her colleagues and/or family found out that she had given the child for adoption (as an adult, married, employed woman, not as a teenager.) I'm definitely not saying that's right, but as it is abortion has at least the advantage of being discreet.
That said, I don't think the OP is still around, and if she was she's probably made her decision by now anyway.
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
|
dr_alcott
|
|
« Reply #26 on: December 05, 2011, 08:35:07 AM » |
|
Danseuse, I can see how the OP would be afraid of feeling stigmatized if after seeing her go through pregnancy, her colleagues and/or family found out that she had given the child for adoption (as an adult, married, employed woman, not as a teenager.) I'm definitely not saying that's right, but as it is abortion has at least the advantage of being discreet.
That said, I don't think the OP is still around, and if she was she's probably made her decision by now anyway.
I thought about her more than once last week. I hope she's at peace with her decision. |
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
I am an insanely elegant, super classy poor white, for the record.
I love everyone here!
|
|
|
danseuse322
New member
Posts: 21
|
|
« Reply #27 on: December 05, 2011, 01:09:49 PM » |
|
Danseuse, I can see how the OP would be afraid of feeling stigmatized if after seeing her go through pregnancy, her colleagues and/or family found out that she had given the child for adoption (as an adult, married, employed woman, not as a teenager.) I'm definitely not saying that's right, but as it is abortion has at least the advantage of being discreet.
You may be right, which is too bad. If I had a colleague who gave a baby up for adoption I would find her courageous. Full disclosure, I am adopted and grateful. But we do tend to stigmatize people. I, too, hope she is at peace, dr_alcott. |
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
morninggloria
New member
Posts: 6
|
|
« Reply #28 on: December 17, 2011, 11:05:37 AM » |
|
OP, get your hands on a copy of " Mama, PhD". I wish I had read it while I was pregnant with my baby (I planned and kept my baby but still, it's an amazing read that should be read by everyone in academia). I decided to have a baby as an ABD, and I was terrified about how I would manage even though we have a lot of support from our families, and it's been hard but do-able (I went back to school at 12 weeks postpartum), and I love my baby more than anything, and my partner was not sure if he was ready (but trusted my judgement) and he is also supremely happy and in love with his baby and is amazing as a parent. My partner works is very busy as a self-employed person and it was hard to be on my own through the pregnancy a lot of the time but I just tried to connect with other women and took care of myself and used the pregnancy to do as much work as I could before the baby came, and that has paid off, and he has now re-jigged his work so that he can be around as much as possible. That said, a baby has changed me, it hasn't made me less ambitious, but my work has certainly receded in importance when I think about my overall life. In a way that has been good because it's given me a healthy perspective and some distance on academia's trials that my childless peers don't have, and I'm learning the value of doing a good enough job as opposed to a perfect job. |
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
|
alto_stratus
|
|
« Reply #29 on: December 17, 2011, 11:32:40 AM » |
|
The original post was made 6 weeks ago, so it's likely the decision has already been made.
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
|
