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[mimsy7715]

Hi...
Wanted to see if there's anyone here who's been in this situation and could offer some guidance.
I am currently enrolled in a social science PhD program at a good R1 and am doing well in the program. I currently commute to the school approx. 50 min. each way 3-4 days a week because (1) bad job market near the school , so my husband couldn't find something in his area nearby, (2) bad housing market so we were worried about selling the house we own and (3) good school district -- I have a son in kindergarten.

Without TMI , I found out that my husband has been... unfaithful and there is a good chance things will not work out between us.  My kid is thriving in his school and has had adjustment issues in the past so I really don't want to move him.  (If needed my parents would live with us.) Has anyone done the grad school thing as a single parent with a longish commute?
Thanks in advance for any thoughts or help

[punchnpie]

Well, 60+ views and no one to help, so I'll jump in...

I was a single parent of a toddler most of my time in law school. I managed. When I did the PhD, I ran into a few single parents, so it can obviously be done and is being done all the time. What you will have to learn is to be Organized with capital 'O.'

The 50 minute commute is no biggie. The buses were crap where I went to grad school and it usually took me 50-60 minutes to commute. Bring a book or article to read if you are on the bus. If driving, use the time to decompress before you get home.

Make several meals at once and freeze some, so that you don't have to cook every night or so that you can take extras to school for lunch. Bring power bars so you avoid the candy machine when you're hungry.  For health's sake, don't resort to fast food or too many pre-packaged frozen meals. 

When you are home, send the kiddie off to school and you do your work. When my son was small, I always assumed some emergency might come up that would take time away from the books. Work ahead. Spend your days off campus reading, writing, whatever. Or the converse - when you are on campus you get as much done as possible and don't bring much home other than light reading and editing. Don't assume that you will get stuff done every night; it usually won't work out that neatly.

Don't work off campus. If you are trying to get a PhD, you need to become socialized to your field. Your time will be an issue with a small child. If you are a parent, work, and go to school something is going to suffer. A 20 hr a week student job is enough. Since you mentioned grandparents, let them help with money or babysitting so that you don't have to work.  Also, if you work, you will probably take longer to finish, and in your situation, you need to get done and out.

Let the housework slide. Let the kiddie clean his own room. Do enough so that the environmental folks aren't called in, but that's about it. You can clean during spring break.

You can do it. Many women have had to deal with more than this and have survived. I hope others will chime in with some help and hope for you.

[bluesocks]

I completed my PhD as a single mom with a long commute (slightly over an hour).  I was actually the first person in my cohort to finish...why?  Because being a mom made it so that I had a strict schedule.  I would drop her off (at daycare) and read/write/study until it was time to pick her up (usually about 3:30 most days).  I tried to limit my time on campus to 2-3 days a week.  This usually worked out.  And, from the time I picked her up to bedtime--I focused only on my daughter.  I never tried watching her and doing work.  I find that trying to multi-task in that way isn't particularly effective.  There were many times when I did more school work after she went to bed.

I would suggest then--a routine and childcare (or full-day school in your case).

The absolute hardest part of being a single mom (working or in school) is when my daughter gets sick.  When I was a PhD student, she was sick all the time is seemed.  So, my flexibility in being a student was very helpful.  Now, she is a bit older and doesn't seem to get as sick as often.  I would suggest thinking through your back-up childcare plans.

I have been a single mom through my PhD program, a full-time job outside of academia, and now a TT job.  The hardest was when I had the job outside of academia.  The other 2 have been relatively easy in comparison primarily due to the flexibility.  And, when I do have class that I need to teach--I can usually get back-up childcare for a few hours (or if my daughter isn't that sick, just too sick for school, she has come with me).

Just like everything else, you figure it out if it is important.

If you have specific concerns or worries, please post and I will try to check back in a few days!

blue

[natsteel]

Wow, I just want to say I have a lot of respect for the previous posters. I am not a single-parent but have two boys under 3 and do take on most of the household duties. My wife works evenings and weekends so at times I feel like a single parent. I'm finding it hard, though I am doing extremely well, as an undergrad. I plan on going to grad school but sometimes I wonder how I can possibly do it. I couldn't even imagine doing it being a single parent especially of toddlers. Best of luck to all of you and happy holidays.

[reesespeanutbutter]

Like natsteel, I'm not a single parent either, but I wanted to lend my support and "you go girl!" to the OP.  Much sympathy on the situation with your husband, but I do hope you stick with grad school.  It sounds like you have a good support system (at least with your parents).  Also, much admiration for bluesocks and punchnpie.  I am truly amazed at your commitment.

I wish you all the best!

[prytania3]

Being a single parent sucks. It ranks from bad to horrible.

[new_bus_prof]

I have not personally been a single parent in grad school, but I have known a few... the biggest thing I can say is SUPPORT SYSTEM and ROUTINE. Set as much a routine as possible for when/how you will do your school work and when/how your kid's schedule will work. Also, make sure you have the number for every person willing to help you out in a crunch -- from sick kid to school plays to basic necessities shopping.

I will also say that some departments totally get the whole other additional responsibiltiies and understand it; others are still in their own little world that only single people with no other responsibilities get PhDs.

[engineer_adrift]

I have a couple of students and RAs who are single parents.  It can be done.  It is NOT easy, but it can be done.

Try to find an advisor who is understanding about the nature of single parenting and  the way it can wreak havoc with schedules.  Are you  a TA or RA?  The fixed nature of a TA schedule can make it hard to handle the inevitable emergencies. 

Also, maybe things can be salvaged with your spouse.  That is worth a long, careful consideration.

Good luck in all this.  Hopefully you can still make a Merry Christmas for your child.

Best
E_A

[mimsy7715]

Hi, OP posting again.  Thanks for all the info, suggestions, and support. Many thanks specifically to bluesocks and punchnpie.  And to respond to engineer_adrift ,  I am currently on a fellowship but starting next year will be a TA (due to funding issues, very few RA positions available in my department).  I plan to speak to my advisor and the DGS in January about what's happening and work something out.

Unfortunately the relationship with my husband cannot be salvaged.

Thanks again and Happy Holidays all.

[msparticularity]

If needed my parents would live with us.

This is the key point. I didn't have a long commute, but I did have three jobs--my TA position plus two outside bookkeeping gigs that I needed to keep us living indoors. In other words, I needed lots and lots and lots of backup--especially when my daughter got sick, or school was closed for a half-day, or whatever. I didn't live with my parents because I just couldn't have stood that, but they were in the same town and nearby. Also, my ex and I shared custody and had a reasonably cooperative divorce, so my daughter was with him, on average, three days a week, planned around my schedule.

It really is easier once they're settled in school, too, because that gives them a stability that's independent of what you're doing. For that reason alone, leaving him where he is now sounds right to me.

On preview: I'm sorry to hear that you are having to deal with ending your marriage. Even when you are sure that it is the right thing to do (which I was, by the time it happened), it is a major trauma. I think my return to school actually helped keep me sane, so if you can juggle things for your son so that you can free up your mind to focus on your studies when you need to, I encourage you to continue.

[psyche74]

Although I haven't done grad school yet (currently applying to PhD programs), I made it through my undergrad time as a single mom with a 4.00 GPA from a strong university. And honestly, it's been great. I haven't had family around to help or anything like that, but the universities I attended (I transferred) were absolutely wonderful when it came to allowing me to bring my son to class with me when he didn't have school. Plus, they have had family housing, so I've been right by campus in a neighborhood of people focused on education. Although I originally felt awful thinking that my son would not have the things I wanted so much to give him in his youth, I think his living environment has been one of the best things in the world for him. Just some food for thought in case you end up hating the commute as a single parent...

I personally found life much more pleasant once my ex was gone (same situation as you--husband cheated on me), although in the beginning it didn't feel that way. I would imagine that the first few months will be particularly difficult for you, especially since you'll be trying to help your child deal with everything. I agree with another poster who said to ignore as much housework as possible. Although I hate doing it to the environment, we eat off paper plates all the time, use plastic cups, etc., so we don't have much to clean up. I've prioritized my son and school work and figure everything else can just take a backseat for awhile. I also look for fun things to do with my son that also allow me to study, such as going to the book store or taking him to McDonald's where he can play in the play area. If you only have one child, it can be surprisingly easy to establish a routine that suits you both.

I don't know if any of this helps, but it's just one more story of a single parent going through school. Not quite apples to apples, since you're in grad school--I hopefully will know more about that this time next year :)

[melaw]

I wanted to offer my encouragement too.  I started my MA/PhD (in the social sciences) as a single parent of a six year old boy and I have commuted about one-hour the whole time I have been in graduate school.

As others have said, it is hard but doable.  I'm glad that you have a graduate fellowship, I do think that makes things easier.  I would talk to whoever schedules the TA-ships in your department about making sure that the class you are TA-ing for is scheduled during school hours (not too early or too late!) and only 2 or 3 days a week.  I have found that most people are reasonable and are willing to help out when they realize the situation.  I ended up having to work my own class schedule around my TA-ships.  There are definitely some classes that I would have liked to take that I never got the chance to because they were scheduled on the wrong time.  Things like this I think you have to just live with (unless the classes are required of course).

Having the support of local family members is invaluable!  Plan on having your mom/dad come over and regularly babysit for you 1-2 evenings a week (or weekend afternoons).  I found that my son loved this and it gave me the additional time I needed to get everything done.  This is especially important if you are picking your son up from school by 3:00 in the afternoon. 

While some people talked about having strict boundaries between work and home, I have done the opposite.  My work life and home life are totally integrated. I do a lot of my work from home on my laptop while hanging out in the same room as my son, I read required books while standing in line at the bank, and I always have a few papers/tests with me to grade if I find a few minutes.  While I admire those people who keep a strict boundary, that just didn't work for me. 

I am sorry to hear about your marriage failing.  I have always found that things like that make it so much harder to concentrate on getting one's work done.  Best wishes through this difficult transition.

BTW, I am now happily remarried and getting ready to start my first TT position, so I am (anecdotal) evidence there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  If you ever want more information, feel free to PM me.

Melaw

[mimsy77]

So I posted on this forum back in December, when I had decided to end my marriage (during my first year of graduate school.)  At the time I received some encouraging words of support from other posters.  I stayed for the second semester, and ended up completing my work as a single parent, since my son's father was not around.  I made good progress towards my Master's Thesis, and will have no trouble completing it on time, and probably early.  But, I ended up with some B's as final grades, and even though my adviser, the Director of Grad Studies, and some other professors knew about my situation, got a mediocre review for my first year, and a warning that my thesis better be great or I should consider my M.A. to be terminal.

I was devastated.  The department never communicated that B's were considered poor grades, and I got positive feedback on my work from professors who ended up giving me B's.  My adviser (fully tenured prof) completely disagreed with the letter in tone and content, wrote a counterletter, and says not to worry, that he has all the confidence that the thesis will be great. I feel like the department wanted me to take a leave (though that was never communicated to me) and is setting me up for a kill letter next spring.  With all this as background, I have a few questions.   First, has this ever happened to anyone else? If so, what did you do?
Second, is there realistically a way to recover from this?
Thanks

[figee]

My adviser (fully tenured prof) completely disagreed with the letter in tone and content, wrote a counterletter, and says not to worry, that he has all the confidence that the thesis will be great. ... Second, is there realistically a way to recover from this?

I'm glad you came back, and am really pleased that you completed the coursework with everything else going on.  So, first I think you need to concentrate on what an achievement that is!

In terms of your immediate situation, you need to write a great thesis.  That's the way out of this.  That, with the support of your advisor, should be enough.

Good luck.

[tolerantly]

You mentioned that your parents would function as support.  This is the time to use them, then.

A quick question -- you're in soc sci.  Is the PhD useful?  I mean is there actually a job market nearby for whatever you're looking to do?  If not, I'd reconsider killing yourself for a PhD which may harm your chances of nonacademic employment. 

Keep in mind that as hard as grad school is as a single parent, going on the market and trying to make tenure will be 70 bazillion times harder, esp. if you have to move.  People do it, but I wouldn't move my kid for something that risky, esp.  with the handicap of single parenting an uprooted child with no support network.