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[cityprof]

Mr. City and I have been trying to start a family since 2006, and we finally, earlier this year, progressed to trying in-vitro fertilization. The first try, early fall, didn't work, and we decided to postpone trying again until after the holidays so we could enjoy our families without the added stress of cycling.

Sounds simple enough--we'll try again in January, right? Only potential problem is, I'm currently on part one of my post-tenure sabbatical, and part two is supposed to happen Fall 2009. If the IVF cycle works, though, I'd be due in early October. Buh-bye, sabbatical, hello maternity leave.

I do realize that for many people this would be a no-brainer, family is more important than work, etc, but my work is pretty important to me, and this is my only sabbatical until 2016. (I'm hoping not to get flamed about this) I also value the sabbatical time for the time it allows you to rest and rejuvenate after years of service. My school offers no parental leave benefits and no way of rescheduling the second half of my sabbatical.

So, the other option we're considering is waiting to try our next IVF until May or June 2009, so that if the cycle worked, I'd be due in the spring of '10. Somehow, though, this feels like a very long time to wait, though I know it's only six months. What's six months in the larger scheme of (nearly) three years? My husband wants to get the show on the road, but he's also flexible and willing to wait a few months. I'm very much torn--I want to try again, but I am also worried that it's a bad idea career-wise.

What would you do in my position? I'm 33, and the primary "problem" is with my husband, so there's not really an age/egg quality issue, at least not one that will make a few months matter. All advice is appreciated.

[mignon]

If you really want a family, I wouldn't wait.  33 is not old, but not young either.  You can still work even if you're pregnant, and with good baby help you can probably work afterwards, too.  (Not the first month or so, when sleep deprivation is an issue, but soon thereafter . . . ).  Another option (and I'll likely get flamed for this, but I'll say it anyway to be practical) is limiting breastfeeding to the first three months--then you can spend more time away from Baby more quickly.  Or learn to pump and read.   

I guess what I'm saying is, it's not really an either/or.  But there are lots of variables, of course.  A supportive husband helps a lot.  Good luck.

[lemonbar]

Wait a minute...33 isn't that old! It's interesting: just recently, women have been under the impression that it is easy to conceive after 40. Now, the opposite appears to be happening: women in their early thirties are talking about their biological clocks or are being reminded that they should be thinking about them. Really, you shouldn't have too much of a problem conceiving at 33, if everything is ok with your fertility.

At any rate, I don't see a problem with trying to plan when it is you want to give birth. You put a lot of effort into your career, and of course, you need to manage that career. Trying to space childbearing in between sabbaticals (or whatever) doesn't seem crazy to me. And, if the problem is with your husband, and not you, I wouldn't worry about being 33 so much (what does your doctor say about your age?).

However, whether or not you are doing IVF, it is not always possible to exactly plan when a pregnancy will occur. You may have several failed IVF cycles (just as it might take a woman with "normal" fertility a while to get pregnant). All the planning in the world is not going to change that.

You have to be prepared for uncertainty when it comes to planning a family. In other words, it may be a bit unrealistic to think that you can plan having a family in the way that you describe. But, there is no harm in trying.

Good luck to you!

[cityprof]

Thanks so much for the replies--I hope more folks will chime in as well. Lemonbar, of course, you're right about not always being able to plan a pregnancy, hence my use of quotation marks around "scheduling." If things had gone according to plan A (conceiving naturally, right away), I'd have aan almost-2-year-old right now; if things had gone according to plan B (first IVF cycle working), I'd be two months pregnant. So much for planning!

I guess my question boils down to, knowing that anything could happen and it's really out of my control, ultimately, is it even worth continuing to (attempt to) plan around work issues? The only thing I can control is when we try; I can't control whether it works. So if there's a time I'd really rather not be pregnant or giving birth, I can pretty much ensure that by not trying. Too bad the reverse isn't true.

It also occurs to me that since we don't have parental leave, being due in October of my sabbatical semester is not necessarily a bad thing in the larger scheme of things. I could use sick leave some other time, but only for 6-8 weeks, not an entire semester.

By the way, Mignon, I hear you on the limiting breast-feeding to the first 3 months advice. It is heresy among my crunchy granola attachment-parenting friends, of course. I don't know what I'll end up doing, should I be so lucky as to conceive and carry a pregnancy to term, but I'm open to a number of options.

[macaroon]

It also occurs to me that since we don't have parental leave, being due in October of my sabbatical semester is not necessarily a bad thing in the larger scheme of things. I could use sick leave some other time, but only for 6-8 weeks, not an entire semester.

I had a baby at the end of October, and I had a fantastic semester.  I was a postdoc, and I got a heck of a lot done research wise during that fall.  I taught exactly half of a course, too, at which point I handed it off to another instructor.  I was "back" in time to help with the final presentations.

By the way, Mignon, I hear you on the limiting breast-feeding to the first 3 months advice. It is heresy among my crunchy granola attachment-parenting friends, of course. I don't know what I'll end up doing, should I be so lucky as to conceive and carry a pregnancy to term, but I'm open to a number of options.

Do give the breastfeeding a try, though.  The internet is full of people who are struggling with the breastfeeding, because everyone who isn't has nothing to say.  I didn't find pumping to be all that difficult.  I checked e-mail and wrote during my pumping breaks.  I wouldn't give up breastfeeding for convenience, because FOR ME, it was far more convenient to not have to cart around bottles every time I went somewhere with my infants.  I could just shove a diaper and some wipes in my purse, and we'd roll... and we could even stay out all night!  (Hehe - I've even bummed the necessary diapers off of strangers.)  But I'll admit I'm a little nuts like that. 

[scheherazade]

I thought breastfeeding actually gave me more time.  Yes, I had to pump at work, but when at home, it's a lot easier to pop out a breast than prepare a bottle, and I could read while breastfeeding because I had a free hand.  In the middle of the night, breastfeeding was a godsend - I barely had to wake up.  Of course, this all varies from person to person, and you need to do what works for you, but I thought I'd throw in a different viewpoint.

[zuzu_]

I would wait if I were in your position with your priorities.

The precipitous drop in female fertility generally begins at 35.

It seems to me that waiting another six months will have a measurable difference on your career and a negligible difference on your fertility.  IVF is always somewhat of a crapshoot--now, or six months from now.

[mignon]

I agree about breastfeeding, actually--I breastfed both of my bio kids for a year each.  But I just wanted the OP to consider all of her options. There's so much prescriptive parenting these days, and babies (and kids) thrive in a variety of situations.  Ditto oldness--33 is not old, but if the OP waits until the "perfect" moment to have a kid, the years can slip away.  I am not trying to scare her--I've just seen it happen with many professional women.  

There's no perfect time, no perfect plan, no perfect life.  We all know that, I guess.

[stitch]

I agree about breastfeeding, actually--I breastfed both of my bio kids for a year each.  But I just wanted the OP to consider all of her options. There's so much prescriptive parenting these days, and babies (and kids) thrive in a variety of situations.  Ditto oldness--33 is not old, but if the OP waits until the "perfect" moment to have a kid, the years can slip away.  I am not trying to scare her--I've just seen it happen with many professional women.  

There's no perfect time, no perfect plan, no perfect life.  We all know that, I guess.

And to follow down that road...do you want more than one?  Because the longer you delay this attempt, the longer it will be until you could try for a second and so on...

I would be inclined to go ahead and try in January and let the chips fall where they may...

[hiddendragon]

I'd also recommend trying asap.  Over 30 is when fertility starts to drop off and the hormones (important for carrying to term) starts to go whacko.  I myself kept pushing my deadlines--after the PhD, after the post-doc, after tenure--and now, many years just flew by and no baby.  Once I started trying to have a baby, I realized that life does not go as you plan.  It has its own laws and we are not in control of it as much as we would like to think.  Now, every month really counts--it is one cycle gone.  At times, I am full of regrets.  If children are important to you, try in Jan.  Like you said, there is no guarantee anyway and you'll probably have to try again. And, if you want a second child, it's even more vital that you get started soon.

Good luck.

[britmom]

I'm in a slightly similar situation. We have a 21 month old, and would like to start trying for number 2. I will be on sabbatical for a semester from Jan 2010, so having a baby would mean I was on maternity leave during that time (thankfully I can take up to 1 year off). I'm almost 33.  Although 33 isn't that old, I'm certainly feeling that my biological clock is ticking (and we were lucky enough to get pregnant the first month of trying with my daughter). I'm not prepared to put at risk the chance to have another child, so I've decided to just go for it. I have no idea whether I will lose my sabbatical entirely. (If my Uni tries to deny me it, I'll be down at the Dean's office with a union representative in a flash.)

I agree that whether you may want a second baby could make a big difference. There's no way I would have been able to cope with being pregnant again before now; it took a long time to settle back down and recover from the sleep deprivation after having my daughter.

One final thought is whether you would be able to either have a relative come stay with you, and help look after the baby whilst you worked, or if you can afford someone to care for the baby at your home? You would lose a couple of weeks to the chaos of having a newborn, but after that you should be able to work. It would be infinitely harder if the baby is in daycare (particularly as they get ill all the time for the first few months.)

Anyway, sorry for a rambling post......good luck whatever you decide.

[cityprof]

Good luck, britmom. I'll admit I'm envious of your good fortune--pregnant with your daughter on the first try? Not even something I can imagine, at this point!

Thanks again, everyone, for the advice. I think we will go for it, and start our next IVF try in early Jan. There's never going to be a perfect time to start a family, and whatever the ultimate timing turns out to be, we will make it work. I'll certainly report back if I end up with any good news in early February. Those of you who feel inclined, I'd appreciate any good thoughts or prayers/crossed fingers you want to send our way for the cycle's possible success. Happy holidays!

[newttrack]

Fertility can be a crazy thing. I was told by my doctor not to wait, that at 35 it could take me months to become pregnant. I have a big project due next December, but because I was worried that I would not be able to get pregnant easily, my husband and I decided to just not try to NOT get pregnant. We didn't even have intercourse at the peak of fertility, and I still got pregnant the first month of going lax on the birth control. While we are looking forward to our second (we will have two under two--shoot me now), I could kill that doctor for putting so much fear into me about my age and my fertility. I guess I'm just saying to be prepared for the IVF to work:)