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[jwormold]

So, a student who has been to exactly TWO classes this semester just emailed me.  She has completed none of the assignments that have been due thus far.  Basically, she wrote, "I looked at the syllabus and it looks like I can still pass if I finish the last three requirements: paper (40%), presentation (10%), final (25%)." 

Are you f&#*ing kidding me?

Paper? Presentation? What the hell is your topic?  The bibliography and proposal was due in October... nothing.

The presentation schedule was made up weeks ago-- and, ah too bad-- all the slots are full.  If she had emailed me earlier, then maybe she could have gone yesterday, which had the only free spot.

This is a seminar, with 7 (active) students. I don't have an attendance policy, because, well, I hate the high-school aspect of it all, and my undergrad institution didn't do such things.  So, I am screwed (as in, must I accept the paper and the exam)?  Yes, I know, a simple sentence about more than "X" number of absences is an automatic failure, and with so few students, it would have been easy enough to do. But I didn't. 

[octoprof]

Students (and, particularly this one) must learn that actions have consequences.

Of course, the student can turn in the paper and take the exam. If the student does a perfect job (and assuming the 40% of the paper is all on the paper and not part of the prior requirements of topic and proposal and such) on both the paper and the exam, then the student will have a 65% score for the course. What are the chances the student will do everything perfectly? Zero. Assuming some portion of the 40% paper grade is assigned to the bibliography and proposal, then student cannot pass no matter what.

You are not screwed. Student has screwed herself.

[jwormold]

Octoprof, thank you for the perspective! 

And she definitely can't get a perfect score on the paper. Late or incomplete proposals and bibliographies carried an automatic 1/3-letter grade deduction on the final paper score.  So that means with perfect scores (ha!) she could get a 60, which is a D-, which means, don't bother.  Phrased that way, I hope she will go away.

[svenc]

No, you're not screwed.  How about this?

Dear Student,

The presentation assignment required signing up for a time several weeks ago. There are no presentation slots available, so you can not participate in that assignment and will receive a zero.  

You have also missed most of the course material to date, and have not submitted the paper topic or bibliography. While you are free to submit a paper and take the final exam, it is unlikely that you will be able to earn a passing grade.

If you are in a similar spot in other classes, you may wish to focus your energies on those courses where you are not as far behind.

Sincerely,

Jwormold

Replace "it is unlikely that you will be able to" with "now mathematically impossible to" as appropriate.  

Most likely scenario: Student crawls back under her rock.

Other possible scenario: Grade whatever comes your way.  It won't be good.  When she fails, you told her so.

[amiens]

I had something like this happen once--a student showed up for the first time at midterm--and my chair (who wanted the student to withdraw) helped me come up with a nice little solution: I told the student that he had to demonstrate knowledge of the readings that he had missed, but would need for his paper, and that I would accept a 15 page discussion as evidence of this knowledge.  He would not be allowed into the classroom until he handed me a hard copy of said discussion.

I'll let you guess how this one ended

[octoprof]

Octoprof, thank you for the perspective! 

And she definitely can't get a perfect score on the paper. Late or incomplete proposals and bibliographies carried an automatic 1/3-letter grade deduction on the final paper score.  So that means with perfect scores (ha!) she could get a 60, which is a D-, which means, don't bother.  Phrased that way, I hope she will go away.

So write the email like svenc suggests, editing to include this data above. :o)

[jwormold]

You all are awesome!  Thanks!!!!

[octoprof]

You all are awesome!  Thanks!!!!

Could you write that on my teaching evaluations, please?

[jwormold]

You all are awesome!  Thanks!!!!

Could you write that on my teaching evaluations, please?

Even better: I'll give you a bunch of chili peppers on rate my professor!

[octoprof]

You all are awesome!  Thanks!!!!

Could you write that on my teaching evaluations, please?

Even better: I'll give you a bunch of chili peppers on rate my professor!

Everyone will know you are a plant. ;-)

[airball]

I had a student in a research seminar pull something similar this semester. After turning in terrible proposal, bibliography, etc., the student decided to change topics two days before the rough draft was due. I let the student submit the rough draft (it was crap), and then pulled the plug on hu's semester. My logic (backed up by the chair) was that the purpose of the class was to learn how to complete a semester-long research project, not to throw one together in ten days. Thus even if the student produced a perfect paper, hu had not achieved the learning objectives for the class. Thus, a failing grade was the only option.

It doesn't sound like you need to go this route, but be brutally honest. If you pass the student you are not doing your job of teacher her. So in good conscience you cannot pass her regardless of the math.

airball

[jwormold]

It doesn't sound like you need to go this route, but be brutally honest. If you pass the student you are not doing your job of teacher her. So in good conscience you cannot pass her regardless of the math.

airball

Oh, don't worry, I wouldn't pass a student who had attended twice (by the way, the class meets three times a week!). No way, no how.

[t_r_b]

I had a student try this in my first semester as a TA. I was fuming, because there was a similar mathematical possibility that he might pass. The professor I was TA-ing for calmly told me what octo said above: mathematical possibility or no, he won't pass. She was right.

On a related note, grading the essay exams of students who haven't attended class all semester can be highly entertaining.

Even better: I'll give you a bunch of chili peppers on rate my professor!

Everyone will know you are a plant. ;-)

What, no one would believe your students have such good taste?

[amlithist]

My new mantra for this warm and fuzzy semester, courtesy of my sainted dean:  "Take the work, even if it's late.  You are the good guy.  You are student centered.  Then grade the living snot out of it."  (Breathe deeply and repeat.  So far, so good.)

[mandywoetzel]

I am experiencing a highly similar situation right now: A student who has attended exactly two classes and missed all of the assigned tasks, called me AT HOME (when I later called the phone company to complain, they told me that my number is unlisted, but not unpublished...I'll let you kids figure out what the difference is) this past Sunday to tell me that she is still in my class and she needs to get an "A" in order to keep her 4.0 GPA.

Since her call got disconnected when I threw the phone as I was screaming, "Do not ever call me at home again!!!!", she e-mailed me to tell me today that her mom was first diagnosed with cancer, then she was in a bad car accident in which she almost died, and then she had to cook for the entire family for her "Italian Thanksgiving," which prevented her from participating in my class all semester.

I've replied to her and asked for documentations for the first two claims--but I suspect I may not be hearing from her again. This happens every semester, and my stduents are so generous about giving their family members terminal illnesses. After all, 'tis the season for giving...unless, of course, we are talking about their grandmas, in which case they tend to all die.