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[sinenomine]

We're doing student conferences next week, and one of my students just came by to sign up for a time (time slots are on a sheet on my door).

Student:  Hi, I'm here to sign up for a conference.
Me:  Great -- the sign-up form's right there.
Student:  (stares at form) Can I come on Wednesday at 1:00?
Me:  Yes, that's slot's still available.  Put your name there.
Student:  1:00's okay?
Me:  Yes.
Student:  I sign up here?
Me:  Yes.  (silently thinking, this is going to be a long conference...)

[gourmetless]

Wow.

"Do you need a pencil?"

We're doing student conferences next week, and one of my students just came by to sign up for a time (time slots are on a sheet on my door).

Student:  Hi, I'm here to sign up for a conference.
Me:  Great -- the sign-up form's right there.
Student:  (stares at form) Can I come on Wednesday at 1:00?
Me:  Yes, that's slot's still available.  Put your name there.
Student:  1:00's okay?
Me:  Yes.
Student:  I sign up here?
Me:  Yes.  (silently thinking, this is going to be a long conference...)

[aandsdean]

First or second week of semester when I'm English department chair:

Student in ENGL 1102 (second comp course in sequence):  We shouldn't have to read the first-year experience book, because the new students were told about it last spring and had all summer to read it and we didn't. 

Me:  So?  You've had two weeks to to read the book, it's not that long, and it's a perfectly legitimate text for the course.

Student:  But it's not fair!  We shouldn't have to read it!

Me:  I simply can't believe that you're standing in the office of the chair of the ENGLISH department, complaining about have to read a BOOK in an ENGLISH class.

Student:  Grunts and slinks away.

[geonerd]

First or second week of semester when I'm English department chair:

Student in ENGL 1102 (second comp course in sequence):  We shouldn't have to read the first-year experience book, because the new students were told about it last spring and had all summer to read it and we didn't. 

Me:  So?  You've had two weeks to to read the book, it's not that long, and it's a perfectly legitimate text for the course.

Student:  But it's not fair!  We shouldn't have to read it!

Me:  I simply can't believe that you're standing in the office of the chair of the ENGLISH department, complaining about have to read a BOOK in an ENGLISH class.

Student:  Grunts and slinks away.

This reminds me of one of my favorite conversations. Some background- in my intro level science course I have them read popular press books about science, for example "The Perfect Storm." (Hey, its not about quality literature, its about sneaking in some science.)

Student: I just can't get through this book.

Me: What is giving you trouble?

Student: There are too many pages.

Me: I thought you enjoyed reading. I always see you carrying several books in your stack. What is your major?

Student: English

[elsie]

There are a certain number of English majors who are only English majors because they've flunked out of one or two other majors. They're very frustrating to deal with because they don't want to read or write, and those two activities are the very definition of the field.

[comp_queen]

There are a certain number of English majors who are only English majors because they've flunked out of one or two other majors. They're very frustrating to deal with because they don't want to read or write, and those two activities are the very definition of the field.

Chime.

[balancing_act]

Couple of semesters ago, Spring.

Me: leading discussion from the front of the class.
Student: walks in the door 25 minutes late.
Me: (thinking) who is this guy?
Student: sits down in the back row.

Class ends.

Student: Hi.
Me: Who are you?
Student: Snow Flake
Me: Ah, yes, I remember your name from the roster. Where have you been? This is the first time you've been here.
Student: Ah, well, I took an extended Christmas break.
Me: It's mid-February!
Student: Yeah, I know, can I stay in the class?
Me: (Incredulously): No.

[svenc]

An actual favorite (not "favorite") conversation while handing out the final exam for a class last year:


Svenc: Any questions?

Wise-ass student:  How much do I have to bribe you to get a 100?

Svenc: You couldn't afford my price!

Other, struggling student:  How much for a 50?


Which, incidentally, was almost exactly what struggling student got!

[case_insensitive]

30 seconds before afternoon class is scheduled to start:

Student:  Hi, I'm in your morning class too.
Me:  I know.  You're [name].
Student:  Yeah, anyway, I didn't come to class this morning.  What did you talk about?
Me:  A number of things.  You want me to go over everything we talked about right now?
Student:  Well, at least a summary.
Me:  The overall topic was X.  Read the book, and come talk to me if you have specific questions.
Student:  That's it?
Me:  I need to start class now.

That's nicer than I would be. "The topic is clearly listed on the syllabus. What you need to do when you miss class is also clearly listed on the syllabus, on page one."

[amlithist]

A student came in after class today, ready to rip me a new one because she got a zero for a plagiarized paper:

Her:  This is too harsh!

Me:  The syllabus clearly states any plagiarized work will receive a score of zero, with a strong recommendation that the student drop the class.  You've known this since August 22.  You signed the agreement saying that you understood and agreed to abide by the terms of the syllabus.

Her:  Well, that's just too harsh.  I worked really hard and made one little mistake [uh, the paper was full of direct quotes; had a half-assed WC page with lousy sources, and nary a citation in sight, after we've discussed plagiarism at length FOUR times in class]! You can't give me a zero after I did all that work. 

Me:   I just did.

Her:  Well, I should get some points anyway.  If you'd even give me 20 points [paper was worth 200], I wouldn't be in here complaining.  [This line of b*tching goes on for several minutes.]

Me [After letting her blow off steam and have her say, and getting tired of hearing it]:  So 20 points will makke you happy? Let's see what that will do for your grade.  [Plug 20 into grading program]  OK, so that raises you from a 42.1% to a 43.5% for the semester, IF I would do it, which I won't.

Her:  Oh.  [Or should it be, d'oh?]  Well, I should still have gotten some points.

Me:  Look, you're not smart enough to have tried to put one over on me.  I didn't take it to the dean; I'm doing you a favor there.  But why should the rules be different for you?

Her:  Well, they should.  I worked hard.  It was just a tiny mistake.

Me:  So, if somebody robs a bank and only gets $5, should they not go to jail just because they're a lousy bank robber?

Her:  [gears turning, smoke wisps rise from ears]  Oh.  OH.  O.K.

:::SIGH::::  Another 40 minutes of my life that I'll never get back.

[isotope]

Just today, I emailed this to a friend.  Thought I would share.


I give pop quizzes.  Earlier this year, I walk in about 15 minutes early to check if my powerpoint is working and a student says:

"Are we having a quiz?"

Me: "It's possible.  They are pop quizzes.  I don't announce.  It rewards those who come prepared."

Another student:  "I think he's got one for us.  It's been a little while since the last."

First student:  "The quizzes are hard.  I didn't look at things before I came.  Can you just tell us?"

Me:  shake my head 'no' and smile

Third student:  "I got a 40 on the last.  I hope there isn't one"

So on and so forth.  I left the room.  Came back 15 minutes later, none of the group had notes open.  Still chatting away.  I gave them a quiz.  They were sure they did not do well.  I said:

"You know, you could have studied for 15 minutes.  Even studied together."

First student "Yeah, I know.  That would've been smart."

GAH!!  I can aid in combating ignorance, but I cannot fix lazy.

[medprof]

This is my new favorite thread.

Me: Hi, there. (to student who missed an exam that was 30% of their grade)

Student: So, I missed the exam last class.

Me: Yup, you did. Where were you?

Student: I overslept. (class meets from 5p-9p)

Me: Huh, OK.

Student: So, can I take a make-up exam?

Me: Nope.

Student: But, the exam was like 30% of the grade. (kudos for knowing this!)

Me: Yes, that's true.

Student: But then I can't get over a 75%. (the lowest passing grade)

Me: Yes, that's true.

Student: So, I fail the class?

Me: Yes.

Student: What should I do now?

Me: Sign up again next quarter.

Student: Do I have to stay for the rest of class?

Me: No, you can go now.

[phydeaux]

An actual favorite (not "favorite") conversation while handing out the final exam for a class last year:


Svenc: Any questions?

Wise-ass student:  How much do I have to bribe you to get a 100?

Svenc: You couldn't afford my price!

Other, struggling student:  How much for a 50?

I read a story along these lines a while back. It goes something like this: A student in a large lecture class slips a $100 bill into a blue book and writes a note to the TA: "$100=100 points=A." When he gets gets the exam back, he finds a $50 and a note from the TA: "$50=50 points=F. You fail!"

For myself, I jokingly tell my students that my price for an "A" is indexed to the year. It's 2008, so the price is $2.08 million; next year it will go up to 2.09 mil. If I take a bribe, I'll never teach again, so I need to be sure my family is well provided for!

[gennidad]

An actual favorite (not "favorite") conversation while handing out the final exam for a class last year:


Svenc: Any questions?

Wise-ass student:  How much do I have to bribe you to get a 100?

Svenc: You couldn't afford my price!

Other, struggling student:  How much for a 50?

I read a story along these lines a while back. It goes something like this: A student in a large lecture class slips a $100 bill into a blue book and writes a note to the TA: "$100=100 points=A." When he gets gets the exam back, he finds a $50 and a note from the TA: "$50=50 points=F. You fail!"

For myself, I jokingly tell my students that my price for an "A" is indexed to the year. It's 2008, so the price is $2.08 million; next year it will go up to 2.09 mil. If I take a bribe, I'll never teach again, so I need to be sure my family is well provided for!

Sorry, but you put the decimel point in the wrong place.  To be indexed to 2008 it should be 20.08 million. 

[slac_vap]

<ten minutes before start of class with paper due>

Panicky Pete:  "Dr. Vap!  I worked on my laptop and emailed it to myself so I could print it off in the computer lab but I couldn't print it there must be something wrong with the computers here they don't work right they say they can't open the file so I emailed it to you so you'll have to read it on email!"

Me:  "Pete, I do not accept papers via email.  You need to provide me a hard copy."

PP:  "But it won't work on these computers so I emailed it to you."

Me:  "Pete, I do not accept papers via email.  And even if I did, I have the same kind of computer in my office that is in all of the computer labs.  I won't be able to open the file any easier than you could."

PP:  "But I sent it to you so you have to read it on email."

Me:  <trying to be helpful>  "Pete, let me pull up my email and see if I can help you solve this problem."  <pull up his email (which would be suitable for sharing on the other thread...)>  "Pete, you saved this document as a .docx, which means you are using a new version of Word.  The computers here at school don't have the newest version, so you'll need to save your paper as an older version and then send it to yourself to print."

PP:  "So you can do that for me?"

Me:  "No, I won't.  I actually cannot, even if I wanted to."

PP:  "But you have the file right there.  I turned it in.  You just need to open it."

Me:  "I can't open it.  You need to open your laptop," <gesturing toward the laptop he is carrying>, "open the file, click "save as" and save it in a different format by selecting a different format in the drop down box."

PP:  "But I don't know how to do that!"

Me:  "I just told you how to do it."

PP:  "But you have the email right there.  Why can't you just do it?"

Me:  "Class is starting.  Please take a seat."  <walking away>


(Yes, yes, I know- there is a patch that can be installed to resolve this issue.  But I can't download and install things to computers here, only Administrators can do that.  And the student apparently hasn't yet mastered "save as," so there was no way I was going to try to talk to him about installing a patch...)