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[thenewyorker]

student: What reading will be on the exam next week?

me: They are listed on your syllabus.

student: Can't you just tell me?

me: You are holding your syllabus in your hand. Just look at it.

student: But I don't want to.

another student: Oh, for god's sake!

[gennimom]

I agree with "another student"!

[oseph]

<ten minutes before start of class with paper due>

Panicky Pete:  "Dr. Vap!  I worked on my laptop and emailed it to myself so I could print it off in the computer lab but I couldn't print it there must be something wrong with the computers here they don't work right they say they can't open the file so I emailed it to you so you'll have to read it on email!"

Me:  "Pete, I do not accept papers via email.  You need to provide me a hard copy."

PP:  "But it won't work on these computers so I emailed it to you."

Me:  "Pete, I do not accept papers via email.  And even if I did, I have the same kind of computer in my office that is in all of the computer labs.  I won't be able to open the file any easier than you could."

PP:  "But I sent it to you so you have to read it on email."

Me:  <trying to be helpful>  "Pete, let me pull up my email and see if I can help you solve this problem."  <pull up his email (which would be suitable for sharing on the other thread...)>  "Pete, you saved this document as a .docx, which means you are using a new version of Word.  The computers here at school don't have the newest version, so you'll need to save your paper as an older version and then send it to yourself to print."

PP:  "So you can do that for me?"

Me:  "No, I won't.  I actually cannot, even if I wanted to."

PP:  "But you have the file right there.  I turned it in.  You just need to open it."

Me:  "I can't open it.  You need to open your laptop," <gesturing toward the laptop he is carrying>, "open the file, click "save as" and save it in a different format by selecting a different format in the drop down box."

PP:  "But I don't know how to do that!"

Me:  "I just told you how to do it."

PP:  "But you have the email right there.  Why can't you just do it?"

Me:  "Class is starting.  Please take a seat."  <walking away>


(Yes, yes, I know- there is a patch that can be installed to resolve this issue.  But I can't download and install things to computers here, only Administrators can do that.  And the student apparently hasn't yet mastered "save as," so there was no way I was going to try to talk to him about installing a patch...)

Ah yes, professor-as-slave.

I had something similar the other day:

Snowflake:  Hi Professor.  You know the article you passed out in class?  Well, I wanted to have another copy to take notes on.

Me:  Okay... (not getting it)

Snowflake:  So can you make me a copy?

Me:  Don't they have Xerox machines in the library?

Snowflake:  Oh my gosh, you have to PAY for copies there.

Me:  And?

Snowflake:  So can you make me a copy?

Me:  Well I can, but I have a limited copy budget myself, and I use all of those copies and more, which I pay for out of my own pocket, for classroom use.

Snowflake:  Oh.  Well, would you mind anyway?  You know, starving students and all.

Me:  No, part of the cost and responsibility of attending college is making your own copies.

Snowflake:  Oh my gosh, you're the PROFESSOR, and you won't make me a copy?

Me:  We're not going to have this debate any longer, but you perhaps should think about why you expect me to pay for your copies out of my rather small salary.

Snowflake:  I guess because you have more money than I do.  You at least get paid.  My parents only give me a very small allowance each term, and I have to babysit sometimes just to have enough money to go out.

Me:  I told you, this debate is over, but the political ramifications of your argument are interesting.

Snowflake:  Huh?

Me:  Nevermind.

[locutus]

At least some of these guys used cash in their bribe attempts. I witnessed this one as a TA right after the final exam.

Kissy-face student: Hey their prof Jones, I see you've got our exams there. Happy grading.

Prof: Thanks, have a good summer.

Student: oh, so um, I was looking around my room and I found this, I don't really need it and thought you might like it.
[Hands Prof a Pink Floyd concert DVD. Prof Jones is known for liking classic rock.]

Prof: uh, thanks.

Cheap, used DVDs that the person probably already owns don't make a good bribe. Not only did the Prof toss the DVD later, he wasn't even the one doing the grading. I would have been the one to bribe. I had half a mind to email the student and tell him, along with sending a list of my likes and dislikes.

[sansa]

Once or twice a week my students turn in a reading response for the assigned reading. The purpose of writing the response is to help give them ideas to use for the class discussion. So I don't accept a reading response if the student is absent from class (all laid out on the syllabus).

On Monday a student walked into the room about 3 minutes before class starts. (This student is one who I've already had to reprimand for reading a newspaper in class, texting in class, working on other work in class, etc.)

Student: I can't make it to class today. Here's my response.
Me: I'm sorry. If you are absent I cannot grade your response.
Student: But I made the effort. Can't you take it?
Me: Look at the syllabus. But since you did make the effort, I would be happy to make some comments on the response although it won't be graded.
Student: I don't care about the comments. I just want a grade.
Me: And that's the problem right there.
Student: *baffled look*
Me: Class is about to start. This is not the time to discuss this matter. If you need to talk to me more about it, come to my office hour.
Student leaves and has not come to talk to me.

[ideagirl]

I love this thread so much that I am posting here solely to ensure that it shows up in my "recently updated threads" every time someone adds to it.

[fishbrains]

This is great therapy.

Today with an advisee who hasn't declared a major. This is the first time she has bothered to see me. Caution: this is a long one:

Me: You have finished your gen. ed. classes, so you need to work on your electives.

Adv: What should I take?

Me: You should really consider what kind of major you might want to pursue. You can take any approved elective towards a general transfer AS degree; but if you do, then once you declare a major you will probably have to go back and take some emphasis classes that you may have missed.

Adv: I don't want to take more classes.

Me: That's why I'm suggesting you decide on a major. You can change your mind later and the electives will still count towards a general transfer degree, but choosing a major will give your studies some focus. If nothing else you can see if you like a particular field by focusing on a major.

Adv: What should I major in?

Me: That's your decision. I can't tell you what to major in.

Adv: I'm just not sure I want a major right now.

Me: You can simply take the electives you want and get the general transfer degree. Shop around so to speak.

Adv: But I don't want to take extra courses after I transfer. 

Me: [Feeling my eyes glaze over] It's up to you.

Adv: So I need a major.

Me: If that's the way you want to go.

Adv: What can I major in?

Me: [Staring blankly while wondering if I had covered this before or if the voices in my head are messing with me] It's up to you. What are you interested in? Have you really enjoyed one or two classes you have taken so far?

Adv: No.

Me: Really? No one class stands out?

Adv: Not really.

Me: What do you like to do outside of school? Do you like your job? Do you want to go farther in the job you have now?

Adv: I don't have a job right now.

Me: No career interests you at all?

Adv: Not really.

Me: What do you like to read about? [I grab a pen and get ready to jab my eyes out for asking such a dopey question]

Adv: I'm not a reader.

Me: [D'oh!] I'm not sure what to tell you.

Adv: I guess I'll pick a major.

Me: What direction do you think you might want to go?

Adv: I don't care.

Me: Imagine how the rest of us feel. [visions of me in the dean's office explaining my smarta$$ comments]. [Trying to recover] This is something you really need to decide for yourself.

Adv: What do you mean?

Me: You need to decide what direction you want your studies to take, or you need to allow yourself to cruise along a bit until you hit on what it is you want to do. You might do a few things--volunteer, work a couple of jobs, travel--over the summer in 09 to see what you might be interested in doing. I switched my major to English when I was a junior even though I had to take a couple of more classes before it was over. And look at me: I'm living the dream. [big smile hoping some self-deprecating humor will help]

Adv: I really don't want to take any extra classes.

Me: [nervous tics overtaking my body] Okay, well, why don't you think about it for a while and then come back and talk to me.

Adv: So I can't register?

Me: I have cleared you to register.

Adv: But I don't know what classes to take.

Me: [standing up and walking to the hallway] You need to think about what you want to do.

Adv: [slowly getting out of chair] I guess I'll go think about it.

Me: Okay. Make another appointment with me when you decide and I'll be happy to help you choose some classes.

Adv: Okay. I think I'm late for class.[shuffles down the hall]

Me: [making a mental note that I drank all the bourbon last night and might need some more to get to sleep tonight]

I like advising overall, but some of them . . .

[locutus]

Wow fishbrains. I'm impressed that your eyes remain unstabbed. I think many of the students in my department are like that one. They just want to finish with as little effort as possible and don't really care how. I call them "graduation majors".

[ideagirl]

Wow fishbrains. I'm impressed that your eyes remain unstabbed.

I'm impressed that the STUDENT'S eyes remained unstabbed. How did Fishbrains control huself?!

[fishbrains]

Wow fishbrains. I'm impressed that your eyes remain unstabbed.

I'm impressed that the STUDENT'S eyes remained unstabbed. How did Fishbrains control huself?!

If you teach developmental writing for a few years, you get used to the circular thinking. Alas.

[fosca]

Wow fishbrains. I'm impressed that your eyes remain unstabbed. I think many of the students in my department are like that one. They just want to finish with as little effort as possible and don't really care how. I call them "graduation majors".

"Graduation majors".  That's brilliant!  I've had people come to me and say they want to major in my field because we only have a couple of required classes beyond the core courses, so they figure they won't have to work as hard.  Makes my heart proud and swell with hope for the future of my field.  Blech.

[alchemist]

My everday conversation:

Hu: What chemicals do I need to get the lab started?

Me:  What does the book say?

Hu:  It doesn't say in the book.

Me: Did you turn to the page with the procedure?

Hu: Procedure?

Me: The page you were supposed to read before starting the pre-lab questions.

Hu: Oh yeah.  I didn't do that.

[librarian007]

Me:  Don't they have Xerox machines in the library?

Snowflake:  Oh my gosh, you have to PAY for copies there.

Yes, you can make copies in the library.  If you can figure out the machine!  Actual reference desk transaction from about 10 minutes ago:

Pierced student: Ma'am?  Don't the machines take our cards any more?
Me: Yes, we have new machines and new card readers, but they still take cards.
PS: Where?
Me: In the card reader.
PS: (goes over to machine, points to bill acceptor) But this is for dollars!
Me: (goes to machine, points to card reader - the only object on the face of the machine other than the bill acceptor) Here.
PS: There's no slot!
Me: Yes there is, right here (points).
PS:  Well, it's too thin.  (walks off)

Too thin?  Then how have all the other users been making copies for the last month?

If you want to witness amazing conversations with students, sit at your library's reference desk for a while.  This is a very mild example!

[ms_skeptic]

Background: Early registration for the spring semester ended almost three weeks ago. The registration period was posted on the student portal, sent to their school email addresses, posted on in the academic catalog, and on the academic calendar.

Yesterday two different students came to me as being in the position of possibly losing their on campus housing for next semester since they weren't registered. One came first thing in the morning, the other came at the end of the day. They had received their housing notifications late yesterday.

Student1: "Well, I didn't thank any of the classes I need would fill up. There aren't very many ABC majors on campus, and all I'm taking are senior level classes, and the classes aren't full, and my adviser didn't think they'd fill up. Can I just register now? I'm going to graduate and I really can't live off campus next semester..."

Student2: "I forgot. I just completely forgot that I had to register. I've been so busy applying to grad schools and writing papers. Is there anything I can do to register now?"

[macaroon]

Oh man.  Thanks guys for sharing!

I'm gearing up for one tomorrow, and it helps to know that others have been through all of this.  I love DejaMOOO!
My student who is coming to visit is flunking my class and she's so hopeless.  She just handed in a paper to me where half of her paper was excuses as to why she couldn't do the paper. 
It's a seminar.  Today she showed up to class without her copy of the assigned readings, and was taking notes.  There is no exam, hence, no need for note taking.  Uh, duh.  But a huge need to bring the readings.