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[august]

Hi All:

Does anyone have any advice for me?  I used to fly all over the place, international flights, cross country, frequently and with no problems.  Then, after I became a mother, I've become afraid to fly.  It hasn't stopped me from flying so far. 

However, I have a conference soon, and I am considering driving 16 hours, instead of taking the two hour flight.  Yes, I know it is not rational.  I know. 

I still might fly.  Anyone else with flight anxiety?  What do you do for it?  Do you have any advice for me?

Thank you,

August

[scheherazade]

Can you take a train?  It will probably be about the same amount of time, but far more relaxing.

[secretweapon]

I am not afraid of flying, but I get very anxious about being in cars.  Some people think that is strange but I think it's logical: statistically, driving is more dangerous than flying.  But I hesitated to write that, because I don't want you to become afraid of driving!

Coping strategies that work for friends with this fear - some good, some maybe less good:
1) Informing flight attendants when you get on board, or at the gate before boarding has begun.  They will probably make the extra effort to check on you and if you really start to panic they can help.  You might even get a free ginger ale.
2).  Drinking heavily.  I don't particularly recommend this one, if only because it makes the ground move before you've taken off.
3).  Writing down, specifically, what your fears are.  Systematically questioning whether or not those fears are rational. You're supposed to conclude that they are not.  Possible side effects: see above.
4).  Attending one of those flight-fear training programs where they put you in a simulator.  A bit OTT in your case, I'd say.
5).  Planning for the worst.  Doing practical things before you go in case you die in a plane crash - like making sure you have a will, have assigned guardians for your child, etc.  I find this slightly morbid, but some people feel the need to know that they have done everything in their control to make things okay.

[britmom]

August,

Sorry, I don't have any suggestions on how to overcome flight anxiety. I just wanted to say that I'm relieved to hear that I'm not the only one who feels this way. I used to find flying quite enjoyable before having my daughter, but it now makes me very nervous. I'm planning a reasearch trip in January, so have to get over it (I'll lose my job, otherwise!). I've been doing what secretweapon suggests (no. 3.), and a bit of no. 5.

[magistra]

It's not a bad idea to do your research -- flying is safer than driving, so look up the statistics.  Look up the stats on the airline.  That may help you feel more comfortable flying.

If you do decide to drive, that's all right.  After all, it's not really a 2-hour flight, is it?  You have to drive to the airport, go through security, wait for your flight, it might be delayed, god forbid you have to make a connection, you have to wait for luggage, find your way to the hotel...  Depending on the airports, airlines, weather, destination city, and other factors, this could mean a 4-hour trip or an 8-hour trip.  Now the 16 hours don't look so bad.  Plus, you'd have your car.

If it's worth your peace of mind, just drive.  You'll spend more time worrying about it than the 16 hours.  Even if that turns out to be the lousy choice -- the hotel parking rates and cost of gas beggar you, the trip leaves you too exhausted to enjoy the conference -- you'll have done what you thought best.  Next time, you'll be able to remind yourself in technicolor of all the reasons why you should fly.

Either way, have a great trip!

[biomancer]

I don't fear flying, but I *hate* flying.  The cramped seats (I'm tall), the fact that I invariably pick up a respiratory disease, the mishandled luggage.... plus the fact that it takes me 2 hours to get to the airport, plus checking in 2 hours before my flight, then waiting for baggage to arrive means that it's absolutely not worth flying anywhere that I can drive to in under 6 hours.  The only places I will not drive to are the cities that I refuse to drive *in* - meaning that if I have to go to Boston or NYC, I'll either leave my car at a hotel at the edge of the city, or just fly in, because having a car there is more trouble than it's worth, and public transportation is good.

I've done quite a many 16-hour drives from Western PA to several places in New England, and I drove from W.PA to New Orleans for a meeting several years ago so that my husband and I could stay a few extra days and have a vacation together.  Driving means I get to decide who sits next to me, what music plays, and where we stop to eat - and the baggage limit is much more generous.

If you don't like flying, driving is a decent option - provided your car and you are up to the task.  Load up the iPod with good tunes and plan out places to stop for fuel & food so you don't find yourself in the middle of nowhere with empty tanks.

[omgacademe]

I also have an intense fear of flying.  I have friends who are pilots, know all the stats about how safe it is, and understand the physics of it.  It doesn't help - the plane goes up and I freak out.

But I still fly fairly often.  I will freely admit to sometimes drinking before getting on the plane, especially if I am feeling extra anxious.

The other thing I do - and this helps even more - is strike up a conversation with someone sitting next to me.  I have probably flown 20 times since developing this fear and only once sat next to someone who didn't want to chat.  Even though I am normally shy, these conversations almost always get my mind off the fact that I'm flying.  Even if I do get anxious, 90% of the time my new friend is helpful in doing whatever it takes to help.  This usually includes making fun of me but hey, whatever works!

Good luck!

[kryptonite]

Ask your doctor for some Xanax. It works for me.I only take it when I am going on a plane. I too am afraid of flying.

[systeme_d_]

Ask your doctor for some Xanax. It works for me.I only take it when I am going on a plane. I too am afraid of flying.

Chime.  I have a dear friend who is very fearful of flying, and she finally asked her physician for drugs rather than enduring yet another year of time-consuming train travel or long-distance driving.  I am not sure if Xanax is the prescription she uses, but I am sure it is something of that nature.

It makes her a bit loopy, but it works like a charm.

[august]

Thank you everyone, I am feeling much better to know that there are other folks in this predicament.

Xanax, this is a possibility.

After reading the suggestion that I get my will in order and assign guardians for my kids, I think I am inclined to drive!

I have a "state" vehicle lined up, and my university reimburses for gas, although I won't ask for the full reimbursement, just as much as a plane flight will cover.  I am going to interview candidates, so it is dept. business. 

I like the train idea.  I will look into this.

[lerasmus]

Not sure about the Xanax - I've used valium to overcome several fears, including doctor offices, crowds, and flying. Has been successful for me, and if you prepare mentally for it, after a couple times experiencing the formerly-scary thing, you won't feel the need to take a valium for that particular situation again.

[collegekidsmom]

I just wanted to say that many mothers of young children, including me were afraid to fly when dependent children could be left motherless. It is definitely irrational as are so many other emotions when it comes to parenting, and definitely common as far as I can tell. If you were OK flying before, then probably there is no big problem that time won't cure. I fly all over the place with no problem now that I know that my children will be fine if I am gone.
I'm sure it is a control thing too-that when you die in the plane, nobody will be able to do exactly what you do for your kids. Irrational and scary for those who identify.

Now, you have an immediate problem, and maybe you can just fly -after covering all the bases possible at home and be petrified, or you will have to drive or train or stay home. I just wanted to say I totally identified with exactly what you said.

[scheherazade]

Fear is a strange thing.  I've never been afraid of flying.  This summer, though, I flew with my two kids, and I had some serious anxiety.  I've flown with my kids before and didn't experience that.  The only thing I can think of that was different is that this time, SO wasn't with us.  Totally irrational, came out of nowhere.  Mind you, we flew anyway, and all was fine (despite one flight being canceled for weather and one delayed for mechanical problems - I was having some serious Final Destination thoughts!).  I do understand the anxiety, though.

[tee_bee]

Not sure about the Xanax - I've used valium to overcome several fears, including doctor offices, crowds, and flying. Has been successful for me, and if you prepare mentally for it, after a couple times experiencing the formerly-scary thing, you won't feel the need to take a valium for that particular situation again.

Another vote for Valium. I'm to the point where just having it with me helps. I don't always take it--just if the weather at the departure or arrival airport is bad (bumpy approaches bother me a bit).

But the way I got over my rather intense fear of flying is (1) using some miles to fly first class. The free booze and big seat really made it kind of fun, and (2) taking on an assignment a few years ago that caused me to fly every weekend, from Washington DC to home and back (1 hour each way). Actually, only did it 45 times. After the first ten times, it was all like riding the bus. I only remember one slightly odd landing, and teased the pilot about why he used a particular runway. He laughed and explained that it was the only runway at that airport with the instrument landing system. Makes sense.

It also helped that I find aviation in general fascinating. When you think about all the parts of the system that make it work, it's an amazing thing that works really well. Yes, I know it's a pain to fly, the air is bad, I've been food poisoned the last two trips, (don't eat airline "food" on transatlantic flights), my reservations have been lost (then found), etc. But isn't it kind of magical to get on a plane at 5, and be in Europe the next morning at about 9 local time? Jet lag is a total drag.

I look at it this way. Statistically, flying and driving per unit of time are about as safe (which is to say, very safe). But if you're in the air 2 hours, and on the road 7 hours, you're exposed to an equivalent hazard 7 times longer in the car than in the plane. What finally cured me of my fear of flying was regular flights up and down the East Coast that I would sometimes avoid by driving. I'd get so sleepy that I'd have to stop, and I know I drove drowsy, which is super dangerous. I finally just gave in, figured the pilots know what they are doing, realized that I was putting my young kids' futures in jeopardy by driving, and decided to fly. That and Valium....

Finally, is there anything you can do to make flying more enjoyable? Yes, airports and crowds and stuffed planes and all are a drag. But flying right over Manhattan on a crystal clear night is a truly magical thing. Or watching the moon and stars. Or recognizing a city you're flying over by the way the lights follow the roads like a map. Maybe I am waxing too poetic (too much caffeine) but, on balance, after years of avoiding flying like the plague (I went to grad school in my home town so I would never have to fly on the holidays) I've made peace with it.

Sorry this was so long. I hope it was helpful. And believe me that I totally understand the fear of flying. I recently read that about a third of people on any flight have greater or lesser degrees of fear of flying. So you're totally not alone.

[wilbrish]

I second Xanax; a little dose keeps the physical manifestations of anxiety in check, which will help you feel less anxious.

I don't know about talking to your seatmate, though.  Sometimes, I find the anxious seatmate who wants to talk nonstop, annoying.