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[testingthewaters]

Is it OK to start a thread here about a family member's health issues and their impact on your job? I get so confused with these child boards and what can go where. (Ignore the snark. I'm presently pissed off at the world.)

My mom was diagnosed a few weeks ago with myelodysplasia, a disorder I'd never heard of but am learning more and more about and wishing I knew less and less about. Basically, this is early stage leukemia, and there is really just not a lot one can do (read: nothing), and she seems to be pretty advanced- she probably had it for a while, we just didn't know. She is severely anemic and will probably be dependent upon transfusions for the rest of her life. Which may not be very long (damn it hurts to write that).

I am a long long way away from home now. She is comming to visit in October, if the docs OK it (so far so good) and I'm going home for Thanksgiving. I've no idea what to expect after that. Well, I do, but don't like to think about it much.

On the practical side, I just started a new job 6 months ago. My colleagues are wonderful and will be understanding. I have heaps of vacation time, which is going to come in very handy. But in between visits home, I will have to do some work, and I have no idea how that is going to happen. What I'm doing now (and what I need to be doing) is mostly grant writing, and I find my mind wandering so much that I am at far less than half speed. I get maybe 30% done a day of what I'd normally do.

While I'd like to just say "f*ck it" and let the career go where it may, and am sorely tempted to do so, this is the TT and I am the breadwinner right now, so I can't just cease working for the next indefinite period.

How do people manage to get anything done when your mind is both elsewhere and spinning?

[gennimom]

I'm so sorry about your mom, TTW. It can be very hard to focus when stressing about things. People wondered how I coped with GD's health issues. For me, work became a distraction from worry about him. I don't know if you can find a way to get into that zone, though.

I think this is probably the right place to put it. Sounds good to me anyway.

[octoprof]

How do people manage to get anything done when your mind is both elsewhere and spinning?

This is how I did that (with varying success) through Dad's illness:  Pick something to work on that needs to be done and ignore everything else. That way, your brain will focus on that thing to be done. When your mind wanders, it has something (one thing) to wander back to. If you try to multi-task during this time, you will have great difficulty, even if you are normally a stellar multi-tasker.

While sitting at Dad's bedside in the hospital during several stays, I worked on data analysis. I kept the notebook PC with me and when Dad was sleeping (which was often, on and off), I worked on it. When he was awake I focussed on him.

I realize you are not going to be near your Mom all the time, but this will work as a general way to approach work tasks as well.  Just do the one task and when your mind wanders to Mom, let it, then being it back to the task at hand.

I'm so sorry y'all are having to go through this.

*HUG*

[anthroid]

I was trying to write my dissertation as my mother was dying 2000 miles away.  It was nearly impossible.  I gave myself permission to slack off, to do the bare minimum (teach my sections, try to do some reading related to the dissertation, talk on the phone with friends and family very often), and to focus as I could on my mom.  I visited once a month; luckily I had very supportive mentors.  After a few months the crisis seemed to be waning some, and I was able to get in a month of solid work before Mom went downhill.  She died four months from the diagnosis.  It took me several more months to get it together enough to defend.  But I did, successfully.

I guess my point is:  take care of yourself in these early stages, visit when you can, and cut yourself some slack.  You're probably getting more done than you know, and, anyway, even if you aren't, you will at some point.  Just give yourself space and be kind to yourself.  This is very, very hard.

[msparticularity]

Two years ago I lost one of my oldest and most beloved friends to complications after a major stroke. At the same time, I was working on the analysis of some study results. I spent a lot of time during the last three months of my friend's life sitting with him, first at the hospital, then in rehab, and finally in the nursing home. He was an attorney and really a brilliant man, so one of the cruelest things about the stroke was that it left him with difficulties speaking and understanding language. For some reason (30 years of friendship?), I was the person who was most able to understand him when he couldn't find words, so I also felt that I should spend as much time as possible with him.

Despite the language issues, he enjoyed having me read aloud to him from journal articles I was reading and discuss what I was working on. I suspect that one of the hardest things about a critical and lingering illness is feeling left out of the rest of life. For my friend, I think it helped to be distracted, and it also helped that I was still treating him like an intellectual equal. I also found comfort in talking to him, and while he struggled to express himself, he did make some comments that prompted me to think about my study results in new ways. Oddly enough, also, the fact that I was sharing my work with him made it easier for me to feel more whole and coherent, rather than like my life commitments were pulling me in two different directions.

Based upon those experiences, and also some similar things that happened during my grandmother's last few months of life, I would think that your mom might like hearing about what you are doing, TTW. While she may not have the background to understand the more specialized and esoteric parts, I suspect it will matter to her that you enjoy sharing yourself and your work with her. I agree with Octo that you need to pick a single thing to work on since you likely won't be able to multi-task, and I also think holding onto one's own work can help maintain sanity during very hard times. 

[testingthewaters]

Thanks for your responses, all. It is good to hear from those who have been through similar losses. That came out badly, I'm very sorry for all of your losses (and remember octo's recent loss quite vividly). But it is good to know you aren't alone on this, and that others have managed to hang in there. I've been in this as a partner (we lost my father in law to cancer after a long, hard fight) but 1) I was dissing at the time, so aside from adding some time to my diss I was able to put work aside pretty easily, and 2) no matter how much you love your partner, it's just not the same when it is not your own parent. I never got that with the clarity that I do now.

Some days are better than others, and I'm sure it will be that way for quite some time, but I still don't see myself getting a lot done.

The suggestion to focus on one thing to do is a good one- I just wish I had a bit more mindless work to do. I'm just getting set up at my new place, now is the time for creativity and fresh ideas for research projects. I should also be socializing with the folks from my department and networking with departments around me, but that is just about the last thing I want to do right now. I don't have any data to analyze (that actually sounds like it would be wonderful work that needs to be done but is mind-numbingly boring) or routine experiments- everything is being set up from scratch. Seemed like a good plan 6 months ago.

All kinds of realizations are comming at me at once; something that occurred to me not long ago is that my mom probably isn't going to be around if/when we have kids. We want kids, but had been putting it off until job security was at least closer. I always assumed that it was just my biological clock that we had to keep in mind. It never occurred to me that there are other things that don't have all the time in the world. Not that we can't have kids without my mom, but having her around as granny was just a part of the picture I had in my head and didn't even think to question.

OK. I'm off to work on a grant for a while.

[testingthewaters]

OK, I got the work done on the grant application that needs to go out tomorrow. I think I have everything together, I'm just going to let it be and check tomorrow.

I may or may not make it to write a new grant for the next deadline in October- I need to have it done in 2 weeks to submit it on time, and there's still a lot of work that needs to be done. Hmmmm. More to ponder tomorrow.

[infopri]

Hi, testing.  I'm so sorry about your mom's illness.  I hope that, for whatever time she has left (and I hope it's longer than you expect), she can remain comfortable and content.

I went through something a little like this with my parents (long divorced, and both living about 300 miles from me and about 40 miles from each other) during my first year as a doctoral student.  My father had survived a near-fatal heart attack the prior May and had been recovering slowly, until August when his condition began to deteriorate.  From August on, it was all downhill.  Then, in November, my mother had an unexpected sextuple coronary bypass (yes, six at once) and then went through a very long, slow recovery.  In March, my father finally died.  Meanwhile, my FIL, who lived clear across the country, was seriously ill all winter and was finally diagnosed in early June with pancreatic cancer.  By the end of June, he was gone, too.  (A dozen more people died that year and the next, but that's another story.)

Several people advised me to take a leave from the doctoral program, but I refused.  I was afraid I'd never go back, and that even if I did there would be some sort of cloud or stain on my reputation as a serious student.  (I wasn't thinking too rationally at the time.)  I did take one or two incompletes, which relieved some of the immediate pressure and enabled me to keep going on my other classes and on my research and teaching responsibilities.  Basically, I did what others here have recommended:  I focused on the task at hand, I brought work with me when I traveled to see one or the other parent (although I often didn't get to do much of it), and when I found my mind wandering, I tried to turn off the emotional turmoil and re-discover what it was about my work that was so interesting so that I could re-engage with it.  (Fortunately for me, I really did find my work fascinating.)

It wasn't easy.  I generally didn't confide much in my colleagues or advisor; they knew my father had died, but not much else (and they didn't know about his illness beforehand).  In retrospect, maybe I should have been more forthcoming; I don't know.  It was (and remains) a wonderful school, very collegial, so folks might have been very supportive--but I wasn't comfortable sharing such personal vulnerability with the people I worked with and who evaluated me.  YMMV, of course, and perhaps it should vary.

My thoughts are with you.  Good luck.

[testingthewaters]

Thank you, infopri, for your response. I can't even imagine going through this with both sets of parents at the same time. One of the things that I am grateful for is that when Mr. the Waters lost one of his parents I was in a state that I could support him (even if just picking up the slack on practical stuff) and that he is now able to- and does- support me. For the two of us to be doing this at the same time would just be devastating.

I found out not long after the diagnosis that this is actually the same illness that my grandmother (Mom's mom) died of a few years ago after an extremely rapid decline. I knew her symptoms, and about the anemia and the transfusions, but it was all pretty much chalked up to old age at first and I never knew that there even was a real diagnosis. She was in her 80's, had lived a long and full life, and there was never a whole lot of talk of a treatment plan for the long term. She was able to decide on her own at a certain point that she was going to stop treatment. Among other things, she was ready to go see what my grandfather had been up to for the past 20-odd years- they loved eachother an unbelievable amount, and she never really got over his loss. She died peacefully in the presence of family.

Mom's in her early 60's. This is different and so unfair.

For work, I guess I just march on. I'd rather be doing stuff that required less thought power than grant writing; on the other hand, it is good to have deadlines since it means that some stuff has to happen. I guess this is good.

I'm just using this thread now as a vent; I see people are still reading it, so I don't seem to be writing into nothingness. On the other hand, I guess it doesn't really matter if I am, it's good to write some of it anyway.

[wanna_writemore]

Testing,
   I have nothing useful to help you with.  But I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for what you have to go through right now.  I'm sending good thoughts in your direction. 
    Do what you can and forgive yourself for what you can't.  Let Mr. the Waters take care of you. 

Without much wisdom, but with a caring heart,
Wanna

[prytania3]

Testing, I'm so sorry to hear about your mother. I can't offer any advice because I haven't been in a similar position, but I thought about being in your situation, and it made me cry. I just wanted to let you know my thoughts and prayers are with you.

[procra]

Testing, it IS really unfair, and as the weeks pass you'll be struck by new ways that it stinks.  I'm so sorry. 

[b19771955]

Hi,
First time poster, but your mom's problems and your own situation really hit home with me. 

I was in the beginning of my first year on TT (3rd on the job as I was hired ABD) when my dad was diagnosed with advanced colon cancer @ 66 yrs.  He died in March of that next calendar year, so for 7 mos. I was like a divided person.  Luckily I have a spouse (also academic) who is so supportive of me, so the marriage didn't fall apart at all.  I kept flying down to dad's, to see his progress, then flying home to be a TT prof.  I look back in wonder at the things we can do to hold ourselves together.

He died in March, I got 1 wk.  bereavement leave. Tacked on to Spring Break, I had 2 weeks total off.  I was on autopilot for the rest of that semester, and frankly only remember emotions from that time, few details about work at all.

To calm myself, to remain sane, when I would think of my dad and tear up (I am one of those who cry easily), I would distract myself by switching from that thought to something else--cognitive switching I think is the official term.  It did help alot, but my topic to switch to was work, and all the components of university work, good and less good.

That was not wise...at all.  In the long run, replacing dad thoughts with work thoughts was a bad idea.  If you try this technique, now or down the road, replace the mortality thoughts with positive personal thoughts.  (ex: thinking about the last time I was at the beach with my buddy, or planning a trip in my head, or the sound of geese flying over the house as they migrated south, beautiful things and thoughts that made me smile and took me away from my situation).

Why do I say this, about the more positive way of using cognitive switching?  Because someone will likely suggest this technique.  My strategy of thinking work thoughts made me more depressed.  Since my thinking was not clear, I couldn't see that because I was already quite depressed and not thinking well.  And, because it was a personal strategy, I didn't discuss it with anyone, so I didn't have a reality check on that coping mechanism. 

I don't know if this is useful or not, but your post really took me back, and with more wisdom than I had then.  It's not only ok to take care of YOU, it's good for those around you too--it gives you more energy to deal with things, and that helps you and the others.  Time, too, will pass and be helpful.  The bad events in life like these make most people more compassionate and more caring, even if you are already (and you obviously are!)  Don't feel like you have to be strong all the time either--there's nothing wrong with feeling lousy, feeling angry, feeling inadequate.  I told my classes that my dad had died and I might be a little "off" for a few lectures.  Less than a week later, I received a sympathy card from the classes (both sets of students worked on one card).  I cried when I thanked them--it is still a moment my students remind me of, and one of my sweetest memories 20 years later.

So I'll be thinking about you, keep us posted.

[testingthewaters]

Thank you for your thoughtful replies and advice. I've actually started taking the advice to focus; rather than having 1000 things on my list of things to do and picking one of them to start with, I've narrowed it down to 2 or 3 "must do" items for the day. This way, even if I'm not progressing at lightning speed, at least (most of) the things that really need to be done, are done. That seems to be working a little better, at least for the past few days.

Bizarrely, I feel like I am starting to get used to the idea of my mom's illness. I guess it is inevitable, but I'm really not sure I like that I'm getting used to it.

I've been talking to both of my parents a lot on the phone these days. My dad is reacting like I probably would but exponentially so- he is an information gatherer. He's been researching the disease and by this point knows, as far as I can tell, all there is to know about recent data on all of the treatment options (most of which are palliative). As we were talking about this and some other practical things that need to be taken care of, he very briefly touched on the idea of life "after". Scared the daylights out of me, and of him, too, I think.