next »

[spectacle]

More and more schools are offering dual-career couple accommodations, but they often restrict this to married couples.  [snip]

Oh, wow - do we know how widespread these policies are?  I'm assuming they vary state-by-state?  SO and I would really rather not get married, but we do have a "domestic partner" contract that allows him to be on my health insurance.  I guess I was hoping that would be enough for most schools if we're trailing...

[locutus]

Is there some kind of basic primer out there on this subject?  Threads I haven't yet discovered and read?  Any and all advice much appreciated!

I don't know. As with much of the advice on the fora there's only so much that applies generally. A lot of things, such as the two-body problem, vary by field. Whatever field you are in I suggest trying to find a couple that has gone through this recently.

A few things:
-Be flexible. Start thinking outside the box about your careers. A non-academic job might be in the future for one of you.
-Consider the very likely possibility that you will have a long distance relationship for some time. People do it all the time, though it's not exactly fun.
-Try not to be too similar to your SO. If you two are in the same field keep in mind it's probably not good to seem like research clones.

Good luck!

[secretweapon]

More and more schools are offering dual-career couple accommodations, but they often restrict this to married couples.  [snip]

Oh, wow - do we know how widespread these policies are?  I'm assuming they vary state-by-state?  SO and I would really rather not get married, but we do have a "domestic partner" contract that allows him to be on my health insurance.  I guess I was hoping that would be enough for most schools if we're trailing...

I don't know and I wouldn't be too optimistic.  I think they vary university-by-university.  I did interview with one school that had a partner accommodation programme, and it accepted certain proofs in lieu of marriage:  I think they were wills that recognised the other partner as main beneficiary and also evidence of a joint household (had to got back a few years - 3, I think).  In your case, joint health insurance might have worked.

Some schools might question why, if you and SO are willing to make the major commitment of moving to a new location together and essentially planning your careers in tandem, you wouldn't go the standard, existing legal route to having your relationship recognised.  You might need to think of an answer to that in advance.

[spectacle]

More and more schools are offering dual-career couple accommodations, but they often restrict this to married couples.  [snip]

Oh, wow - do we know how widespread these policies are?  I'm assuming they vary state-by-state?  SO and I would really rather not get married, but we do have a "domestic partner" contract that allows him to be on my health insurance.  I guess I was hoping that would be enough for most schools if we're trailing...

I don't know and I wouldn't be too optimistic.  I think they vary university-by-university.  I did interview with one school that had a partner accommodation programme, and it accepted certain proofs in lieu of marriage:  I think they were wills that recognised the other partner as main beneficiary and also evidence of a joint household (had to got back a few years - 3, I think).  In your case, joint health insurance might have worked.

Some schools might question why, if you and SO are willing to make the major commitment of moving to a new location together and essentially planning your careers in tandem, you wouldn't go the standard, existing legal route to having your relationship recognised.  You might need to think of an answer to that in advance.

Because we're mavericks!  :)

[macaroon]

More and more schools are offering dual-career couple accommodations, but they often restrict this to married couples.  [snip]

Oh, wow - do we know how widespread these policies are?  I'm assuming they vary state-by-state?  SO and I would really rather not get married, but we do have a "domestic partner" contract that allows him to be on my health insurance.  I guess I was hoping that would be enough for most schools if we're trailing...

At every place that I interviewed that mentioned a dual career program, they made them available to domestic partners as well.  BUT I only interviewed in the north, not the south. 

The institution where I did my doctoral work (back in the 90s) would accept a list of other documents instead of an actual marriage license.  The list was long and stiff - and perhaps more invasive than simply presenting a marriage license.  It included proof that each other were the prime beneficiary on a will (which means you need to show your employer your will),  the prime beneficiary of a life insurance policy, joint tenancy with right of survivorship on investments, joint ownership of a home or joint lessees...  I went through the whole process to get "married student housing" with my now-husband, because we wanted housing a couple of months before the wedding.  Honestly, it was such a PITA that we were tempted to go down to City Hall and pay the $50.

smithfieldmuse - my advice to you is to suck it up and pay the $50 for the piece of paper.  If you try to explain idealistic objections to marriage, you risk looking like the type of colleague who argues all the time for no reason and won't compromise (and I don't know you, so I have no idea if this is true....).  If you and your SO are really not that committed to one another yet,  I think you don't stand a very good chance of getting the university to go along with a two-body hire. 

[spectacle]

smithfieldmuse - my advice to you is to suck it up and pay the $50 for the piece of paper.  If you try to explain idealistic objections to marriage, you risk looking like the type of colleague who argues all the time for no reason and won't compromise (and I don't know you, so I have no idea if this is true....).  If you and your SO are really not that committed to one another yet,  I think you don't stand a very good chance of getting the university to go along with a two-body hire. 

Thanks macaroon.  I just had this conversation with my SO:

me: [summarizes content of this thread]... so that's really annoying.  If it comes up in job negotiations, how do you want to handle it?

SO: Well, let's just refer to each other as husband and wife and if it looks like it's going to be a problem, we'll go to city hall.

me: ... that was the most romantic proposal. EVER.

[macaroon]

smithfieldmuse - my advice to you is to suck it up and pay the $50 for the piece of paper.  If you try to explain idealistic objections to marriage, you risk looking like the type of colleague who argues all the time for no reason and won't compromise (and I don't know you, so I have no idea if this is true....).  If you and your SO are really not that committed to one another yet,  I think you don't stand a very good chance of getting the university to go along with a two-body hire. 

Thanks macaroon.  I just had this conversation with my SO:

me: [summarizes content of this thread]... so that's really annoying.  If it comes up in job negotiations, how do you want to handle it?

SO: Well, let's just refer to each other as husband and wife and if it looks like it's going to be a problem, we'll go to city hall.

me: ... that was the most romantic proposal. EVER.

Hahahahaha!  Congratulations! 

Are you the woman?  Demand the diamond anyway. And if you're the man.... don't worry about risking buying the diamond because you know she'll say yes.

Back to my experience 10 years ago - it was, like I said, for married student housing but the Uni's policy on domestic partners was consistent at all levels.  Attempting to go the domestic partner route was a fantastic step in my marriage.  We had to write wills, which was a hilarious project since we were 22.  We bought the world's lamest mutual fund so we had joint tenancy with right of survivorship on an investment.  We were lucky in that we already had a joint bank account and had been tenants on the same lease. 

When we met with our wedding officiant, one of the first questions he asked us was whether we were already legally married.  Even 10 years ago, it was common for people to get the paperwork out of the way before the celebration.  If you two end up going to city hall, it doesn't mean that you can't have that fairy tale wedding if one of you wants it.  It's up to you whether you want to tell your family about the city hall thing or keep it a secret.

[spectacle]

smithfieldmuse - my advice to you is to suck it up and pay the $50 for the piece of paper.  If you try to explain idealistic objections to marriage, you risk looking like the type of colleague who argues all the time for no reason and won't compromise (and I don't know you, so I have no idea if this is true....).  If you and your SO are really not that committed to one another yet,  I think you don't stand a very good chance of getting the university to go along with a two-body hire. 

Thanks macaroon.  I just had this conversation with my SO:

me: [summarizes content of this thread]... so that's really annoying.  If it comes up in job negotiations, how do you want to handle it?

SO: Well, let's just refer to each other as husband and wife and if it looks like it's going to be a problem, we'll go to city hall.

me: ... that was the most romantic proposal. EVER.

Hahahahaha!  Congratulations! 

Are you the woman?  Demand the diamond anyway. And if you're the man.... don't worry about risking buying the diamond because you know she'll say yes.

Back to my experience 10 years ago - it was, like I said, for married student housing but the Uni's policy on domestic partners was consistent at all levels.  Attempting to go the domestic partner route was a fantastic step in my marriage.  We had to write wills, which was a hilarious project since we were 22.  We bought the world's lamest mutual fund so we had joint tenancy with right of survivorship on an investment.  We were lucky in that we already had a joint bank account and had been tenants on the same lease. 

When we met with our wedding officiant, one of the first questions he asked us was whether we were already legally married.  Even 10 years ago, it was common for people to get the paperwork out of the way before the celebration.  If you two end up going to city hall, it doesn't mean that you can't have that fairy tale wedding if one of you wants it.  It's up to you whether you want to tell your family about the city hall thing or keep it a secret.

I'm a woman and my SO is a man-child. We've both been pretty ambivalent about marriage, partly because we would like to have a big party with all of our friends and have it be fancy with good food and liquor and that's just not very likely on the dual-grad student income. He's lucky that I don't like diamonds... but I wouldn't say no to a sapphire.  ;)

The domestic partner thing has been good for the practicality stuff.  We do have joint accounts and things, but we should make wills.  It really is just a paperwork issue at this point.  We'd be recognized as common-law by now in a lot of states, and I'm probably one of the most vocal people over in the thread that complains about MILs.

[cat_on_track]

More and more schools are offering dual-career couple accommodations, but they often restrict this to married couples.  [snip]

Oh, wow - do we know how widespread these policies are?  I'm assuming they vary state-by-state?  SO and I would really rather not get married, but we do have a "domestic partner" contract that allows him to be on my health insurance.  I guess I was hoping that would be enough for most schools if we're trailing...

The policies vary from university to university, as somebody has already pointed out. In my state, they run the gamut from no accommodation to married couples only to all couples. Go to the websites of the schools you are interested in and search for the policies. The more employee-friendly they are, the more likely that they will have that posted prominently. If all fails, call HR, say that you are interested in applying for a faculty position there, and ask.

Presenting yourself as married can have two consequences: in some states it may be illegal, in others it may mean a common law marriage (only available to straight couples). Check state law!