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[labkid]

This year had been a good year for me. I got and got my own funding to support my research and an offer from a dream program. I am going there next summer. The university is coast to coast from my husband. He is willing to relocate, but since he is also a researcher in a narrow field, it is not easy to find a position. We think a couple of years of long-distance maybe worth it if he can't move with me.

Things changed a lot recently. Our son was diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder recently. We put on an intense therapy. My husband is 400 mile apart from me now. He comes every other weekend. So I am the only person to take our son to all these therapy sessions. I missed a lot work and hasn't been productive for several months now. It does not matter a lot now because I am lucky to have a position waiting for me. But it will definitely be a problem once I start the new job. I really can't handle this alone.

My husband and I had discussed it but we don't know what to do. I applied positions near him last season but got no interviews at all. The university probably can offer him a postdoc position but his current position, although not tt, is much better than postdoc. My husband had bent his career path for me before. This time, I really don't want to ask him again.

I am also think about go back to the market and try positions near my husband again. Maybe this time, with my own funding, I will be more attractive. I know it is unethical, but will people understand it?

[larryc]

Decent people will understand and screw the rest. Your son comes first. Good luck.

[poiuy]

Labkid:

I am very sorry to hear of your son's diagnosis.  I also am the parent of a special needs child and the reality is that you and your husband are going to have to adapt your professional paths a great deal to meeting your son's needs. 

Single or long-distance parenting a special needs child is extremely difficult, and trying to combine that with a high powered career is going to compound the difficulty many times over.  Do you have grandparent/s who could help out? 

Finding jobs near each other will become a priority for you and spouse, as will trying to live in a school district that will provide optimum programs for your son.  Decent health insurance is a must. 

In short, do whatever you need to do to meet yours, husband's and son's needs.  Don't worry about what it looks like to others.  As LarryC said, those who don't understand this, you will not want to be around them anyway. 

All the best....

[labkid]

After some thinking, we decide push for an adjunct position for my husband and in the mean time be prepare to go back to the market. My biggest question is, if I am going back to the market, how do I handle the position waiting for me. I don't want to lose it before I have a solution for the two-body problem. How do I explain it to the university, or, can I keep it secret unless I get an offer close to my husband?

[mignon]

I can't address your last Q, OP, but I can tell you what we did with our two body problem/autism issue.  First, is your kid getting ABA?  If so, you should find a provider who will come to your home.  This is also clinically optimal.  Second, in the long term, do consider which states are "good" autism states.  Some states offer full funding for therapy if the kid qualifies.  Third, don't despair--after a year of intensive therapy, our son is doing well.  He will always have pronounced learning disabilities, but he is WAY better.  The therapies are worth it.  You are doing the right thing.  PM me anytime.

[svenc]

Labkid, my own situation has lots of commonalities to yours.  My heart goes out to you and your husband.

My husband had bent his career path for me before. This time, I really don't want to ask him again.

He wouldn't / won't be doing it for you, he'll be doing it for your son and for the sake of your family. 

Everything in our lives have changed in the last few years to accommodate our child's special needs.  It's not easy, but we can get through it (most of the time!) by focusing on our child's needs rather than our previous expectations of what our lives should be. 

That's the bad news.  The good news is that what will actually bring you happiness is rarely what you thought would bring you happiness ... so you and/or your husband may not be giving up as much as it seems at first. 

Ditto to poiuy and mignon's suggestions that you consider state programs, health insurance provisions, availability of services, etc. as major factors in your job searches.  And as much as I hate to pick the nits on larryc's well-meaning advice, I have to caution you that not all decent people will understand.  Yes, they may have sympathy up to a point, but it is hard for most people to understand just what challenges your son's needs do and will pose for your family.

Please PM me if you would like to chat, or if it would be helpful for you to hear more about my experience the last few years.

[svenc]

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[sooryn]

Labkid.. don't worry. Nothing is unethical, as long as what you do don't harm others and solves a specific purpose.

[untenured]

He wouldn't / won't be doing it for you, he'll be doing it for your son and for the sake of your family. 

Exactly.  This is not a demand for husband to move so you can get fancy awards or get a better lab.  You are asking for a compromise for the sake of your son.  This is certainly worthy of a dialogue between you him.

Untenured