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[prof_mom]

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It seems to me that he's taking advantage of the situation and of me.  Perhaps that's how he felt while he was supporting me, but to me the situation is different.  He is simply choosing to be lazy.

I don't know if this contributes to better understanding the current situation or not, but around Christmas time I threatened to leave him because I found out he was planning a secret rendezvous with an old flame with whom he's cheated on previous girlfriends.  I confronted him and said he can have her and I'm leaving him, but he begged and promised to never contact her again, which as far as I know he's held to.  So, supposedly he values our relationship.  :-)

Wait. He is not working and planning to hook up with an old flame? How do you know he hasn't hooked up with her (or someone else) during the day? This would bother me more than the rest of the story.

You have some issues to work through with your husband. Please get yourself and him some help. We are outside the situation and don't now all the details. You need to find an impartial observer who can help you both through this.

I wish you luck.

[ruralguy]

The combination of NOT applying for a job AND contacting the old flame doesn't seem too promising.

What sort of work does he do? Sounds like he must have been respected in his old job if he was getting those assignments?

Perhaps if we understand the nature of his work, we can be more helpful.


But I have the feeling folks usually vent on these issues when they are almost past healing..

[doodlebug]

Thanks to everyone for their comments.  It seems that last week was mostly an over-reaction on my part - I came home on Friday to find him puttering around his office, sorting papers and filing stuff.  He had vacuumed the *entire* house and ran errands for me.  Maybe my reaction to his slothnes sunk in, maybe he got tired of being a sloth himsef.  I'm not sure, but I can tell that something changed in him.  He also set up an appointment to go meet a recruiter in his area next week. 

So, I guess I had just reached such a point of frustration that I had to vent somewhere and this place seemed like a good one - and it was.  I appreciate everyone's suggestions and expressions of solidarity.  I think for now, though, the situation can be put to rest, unless you have trailing spouses of your own who are becoming blobs and want to continue the thread.

[alfred33]

As someone who lived with depression for a decade or more before it was diagnosed, it's easy to fool people.  We're expected to say that we feel fine.  And men as supposed to downplay their feelings.  It's the role we're taught.  When I talked to my sister about depression, when I talked to her about how miserable I was in school, she was shocked.  Everyone thought she was the one who was unhappy in school, and I was the well-adjusted one. 

Asking someone how they feel isn't a useful tool for diagnosing depression.  I was severely depressed, but the only person who really noticed was one professor who, I'm guessing from his comment, had some experience with depression.  I talked to a counselor and he told me I was homesick.  Even when I went to a depression screening, I led well enough (lied to myself as much as anyone) to barely qualify for a follow-up.  It was the duration (10+ years) that cued them in.