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[aether516]

I suspect that grad school has been "triggering" anxiety and depression for me for the past year or so, and I'm wondering if others on this forum have had similar experiences. 

My story:

I just finished my first year of a doctoral program in the humanities from a top-rated Ivy.  I came in to the program  excited and prepared for an exhilarating intellectual experience.  I loved every minute of undergrad, and couldn't wait to make significant contributions to my field.  In short, I was your average bright-eyed naive first-year grad student, counting down the days until classes began.

By November, I was feeling seriously depressed and anxious all of the time.  My Ivy department came with a steep price: constant pressure and cutthroat competition from professors and fellow grad students.  I felt like I had no time for my fiance, friends, or former hobbies.  Even when I did have time, I felt like I couldn't enjoy it - the pressures of grad school were always on my mind.  I stopped enjoying everything that I used to enjoy.  Worst of all, I wasn't feeling satisfied and fulfilled by my work.  My heart wasn't in it anymore.

In January, I decided to try and leave with an M.A. instead.  I talked to my advisor and we set up a plan for me to complete the M.A. over the course of the next year.  I was tremendously relieved.  Knowing that I was leaving, I stopped taking my department and my program so seriously.  I started developing hobbies again, having a social life, spending time with my fiance, planning our wedding.  My spring semester was great - I even found myself able to enjoy my work again, once the pressure was off.  I finished the year out with a 3.8 and a completed language requirement.  The depression and anxiety were still there, but manageable.

By the end of the semester, I started to question the wisdom of leaving academia and I started to think that perhaps it was possible for me to find the balance I so badly craved from within academia.  I broached the possibility of my staying with my advisor, who was once again supportive.  I took the summer off to a) pursue my own projects and b) get myself in a healthy mindset again to (perhaps) pursue the PhD for another 4-5 years.

So far, it hasn't really been working.  In fact, I've been feeling more depressed and anxious than ever.  I'm terrified of going back (and making things worse), and I'm dreading September.  I find myself wishing that I had stuck with the decision to leave with an M.A.  I'm considering going BACK to my advisor to try and do that, or going on leave.

I'm getting help for my depression (with therapy and CBT), but I think that grad school is a huge trigger for me.  I wonder all the time if I'd be better off doing something else (and there are a number of things I could do in my field with an M.A. or even a B.A. that I think I could be happy doing). 

I still somewhat want all of the things that I wanted when I started my program (intellectual fulfillment, making a contribution to my field, a professorship at a liberal arts school, etc.), but I can't help but wonder: if grad school is potentially damaging your mental health, is it worth it? (Is it even "worth it" in the first place in an overcrowded field in the humanities?)  Moreover, is it possible to find that healthy work-life balance that I find so important for my overall well-being as a graduate student? 

I'd love to hear stories and advice from anyone else who is experiencing the same thing or has gone through something similar and come out OK on the other side.

[dr_dre]

I didn't attend an Ivy, but my grad school experience included struggles with anxiety and depression. I don't cry all the time anymore, and I have a TT job at a teaching-focused state school, so I guess I am okay. I used to think all difficult experiences made me stronger. Then, for awhile, I thought that such experiences just chipped away at my core self-esteem until I didn't have enough left to function properly. Now, I don't have any grand theory.

I think your situation will depend, in part, on the specific aspects of grad school that are upsetting to you. I have had to get used to feeling stupid sometimes, not knowing all the answers, having smart people I respect think very little of me and my work, and other things that used to upset me a great deal. I'm a little harder and a little less optimistic. Much of that, I'm sure is due to age and maturity, but some reflects my specific experiences. My life in general now is quite good.

So, no advice here, but I wish you best and don't think your situation is very unusual. Good luck, whatever you decide.

[zharkov]

I felt like I had no time for my fiance, friends, or former hobbies.  Even when I did have time, I felt like I couldn't enjoy it - the pressures of grad school were always on my mind.  I stopped enjoying everything that I used to enjoy.  Worst of all, I wasn't feeling satisfied and fulfilled by my work.  My heart wasn't in it anymore.

My favorite hobby is reading, especially novels.  I didn't read a one while going for my PhD.  That's how it goes.

Get the MA, work through your stuff, maybe come back in a few years.

[grasshopper]

I probably shouldn't admit this, because several people on these boards know who I am, but in the six years I've been in grad school (two years MA, four years so far in the PhD), I have on several occasions done substandard work or slacked off so that I can have a Life Outside of School.

Was this always a good decision? Sometimes maybe; other times, probably not. Certainly, handing in that paper in that particular state may not have been the best choice - I know my professor didn't think so. And I may not have necessarily needed to take those entire two weeks off when I went home during the summer. And the summer before that. And over Christmas. And that time I was just exhausted in the middle of a term. And that semester that I used teaching for the first time as an excuse not to do any writing at all.

Periodically slacking off has set me back in many ways. For instance, in my diss-writing year, I have suddenly discovered that there's a big gaping hole in my lit review. I should have known this long before now, and I would have if I hadn't slacked off on my reading during the winter term while I was teaching. So there's some feverish catching up that needs to be done. But I suspect that if I hadn't slacked off every once in a while, I would have gone batty long before this (and, for the record, I'm practically off my rocker right about now). 

But one big difference between my situation and yours is that I'm not at an Ivy. My peers and professors are very supportive. Right now, the only person I'm competing with is myself, and I think that makes an awfully big difference. Granted, my standards for myself are fairly high (despite all that slacking off), but I can give myself a break every now and then. I wouldn't suggest going into a less competitive program just so you can slack off a bit, because that'll come back to bite you in the ass in any number of ways. But perhaps when you absolutely need to slack, you can cut yourself a bit of slack.

And if it's any help at all, I can pretty much guarantee that every single one of your peers, no matter how cocky and together they seem in public, shares your fears.

[stringyone]

If its any consolation, most PhD students go through a period of depression.  Your years spent as a graduate student are the loneliest, most stressful and most challenging years of your life to date.

If the thought of going back to school is stressing you out, then you should take a leave of absence.  

Take the time to figure out what you want out of your career.  

• It could be that your institution is not for you (I attended a top ranked program and know how stressful/competetive it can be).
• Or you may just need a break (you could have an emotional overload).
• Or you may not want a PhD (This is perfectly OK.  Many people get to grad school and realize that the road to and beyond the PhD isn't exactly what they envisioned).

But you need to take the time to figure out exactly what you want.


To finish the degree, you need to know with 100% certainty, that you want it.  Dissertating is probably the most depressing thing you'll ever do. To get through it, you have to know that you want the degree.  I only know one person who struggled with trying to finish a degree he didn't want.  It took him 11 years to finish his degree (because of him, the department instituted time deadlines).


I am glad that you are getting help, but I definitely encourage you to take some time off.

[t_r_b]

Been there, done that, am currently crawling my way back towards sanity (though sometimes it feels like the mutilated and burning Anakin crawling out of the lava at the end of Episode III). Will soon be Phinished with TT job in spite of it all. So in other words, it ain't easy, but there's hope, and many others have trod this path before you.

My advice:

1. treat both the depression and the anxiety as aggressively as the symptoms warrant (which if you're anything like me means more aggressively than you'd care to admit, even to yourself). Treat them on multiple fronts: medication, talk therapy (I recommend weekly, and shop around for the right therapist for you), and CBT are a good place to start, but also look into meditation, acupuncture, massage, whatever.

2. be sure to take good care of yourself physically: eat well, sleep well, exercise moderately, spend some time each day outside. It's far too easy to let all of these things slide during grad school, and that helps open the door further for depression. This kind of basic self-care doesn't actually take that much time out of your daily life, but makes a world of difference to your overall well being, including mental and physical health.

3. maintain a good social support network. Ideally, this will consist of both academic and non-academic people, and the non-academic people will include both old friends/family members and new acquaintances. Seek out new hobbies that involve a limited amount of time, and involve lots of interaction with other people who share none of your academic interests or worries. They'll help get your mind off of academic stress and remind you that everyone has troubles in this life. Sports are good for this: try volleyball, or ultimate frisbee, or bowling, or whatever sounds like fun to you. Get to know your neighbors and hang out with them sometimes. Whoever it is, cultivate relationships and take the time to maintain them. They'll be another bulwark against depression.

3.1. Cultivate a circle of academic friends and allies whom you can trust to support you, whether that means reading and commenting on your work, bouncing ideas back and forth over coffee, or reminding you that the world is not about to end because your seminar paper is sub-par. If your grad program is a snakepit, I offer my deepest condolences, but please do not despair. You're at an Ivy, so unless that Ivy is Cornell it's very likely that there are other major programs in your field not far away. Also, there may be related programs on campus that have a far more hospitable environment, and would welcome you as a refugee from the snakepit (you probably won't be the first). Go to conferences and get to know people working on projects related to your own - or just random folks who are fun and interesting to talk to. Exchange phone numbers and email addresses and keep in touch. Sooner or later you'll probably be organizing a panel or co-authoring a journal article together, and in the meantime you've added another node in that support network.

4. don't get into the PUSHPUSHPUSH mindset of having to read every book, perfect every paper, blow everyone away at every seminar meeting, and then beat yourself up for not living up to that ideal. First of all, no one that I know can actually live up to that ideal, and I suspect that anyone who could would be unbearable. Second, even if you could do all those things, it wouldn't necessarily make you a better scholar. It might make you a better student in grad seminars, but that's a very different and far less valuable thing. Most importantly, it's that mentality (and the guilt and anxiety about failing to meet your unrealistic expectations) that will keep you from following bits of advice #s 1-3, above.

5: keep your eyes on the prize. It sounds like you're currently still in the seminar-taking stage (or at least the pre-ABD stage) of the PhD program. The work you're doing at this stage is certainly important, but it won't make or break your academic future. Also, it's quite likely that you can do just as well (or even better) in your seminars without letting them suck so much energy out of you. Learn to read a book in three hours (hint: it involves not actually reading much of the book). Keep in mind that no one has actually read all those books - even the people who pretend they have. So try not to get pulled into the day-to-day drama of trying to be the ultimate grad student. It doesn't work.

6. No matter what you do with yourself pre-ABD, an exciting dissertation (plus exuberant letters from faculty members ecstatic about said dissertation) will outweigh it when you're on the job market. Try to use the earlier phases of the PhD program to develop new ways of approaching your topic. I generally found faculty very receptive when I wanted to approach seminar projects in ways that complemented my research interests, even in seminars that seemed far afield from those interests. But no matter what, don't let the pre-ABD madness distract you from the fact that the dissertation - and more generally, your personal development as a creative and innovative scholar - is the critical thing, and that whatever you need to finish reading for seminar tomorrow is not.

7. With that in mind, the best use of your time right now is getting psyched for the dissertation. You need to psyched about it now because somewhere down the line you will hate it with a passion and want to treat it like Enron treated its old account books. If you start out psyched, the period of hatred will probably come on later and not last as long, plus you'll be able to remind yourself of why you're doing this project even though you'd rather use your research notes for toilet paper.

8. Appreciate that absolutely none of this (including the above bits of advice) is easy, and no one is able to manage it all - and if they did, they'd be just as insufferable as that improbably perfect grad student. Don't get down on yourself for not following through on everything you think you should be doing. Above all else, be kind and gentle and understanding toward yourself. You're a sensitive, thoughtful, and talented person, and so you're incredibly blessed already: everything else is gravy.

[unnamed]

aether516, I'm just starting my masters so not very well qualified to talk about grad school.  I'm more qualified than I'd like to be to talk about depression.  There's always a tension, I find, between protecting yourself while in that fragile state, and removing yourself from the world in a way that exacerbates the problem.  For example, forcing yourself to go to a large party with lots of strangers is unlikely to be helpful; forcing yourself out of bed probably will be.  The question is which category your anxiety about going back fits into.

You've seen what it's like to be at grad school while managing depression.  And while not managing it.  Your question was about whether the price you pay in your mental health by going back is worth it.  The reality is that depression is often cyclical, and you may have to do some hard yards even if you don't go back. 

It sounds as though, when you're feeling relatively well, you want what grad school has to offer.  But you're right to be concerned about its potential to damage your mental well-being.  Your idea to go on leave sounds pretty wise to me.  You'll get a chance to get into a better head space before you go back if that's what you decide, or you'll have time to sit with the decision not to so that you can be sure that's right for you.

Finally, let me second Tangy_Rakish_Babe's advice, in particular point number 2: take care of youself -  eat, sleep, exercise, sunlight. For me, not getting enough sleep is often a trigger. 

[t_r_b]

The reality is that depression is often cyclical, and you may have to do some hard yards even if you don't go back. 

This is a very important point. I had depressive episodes before going to grad school, and I had them during grad school, and may well have them again after grad school (though hopefully I'll do a better job of handling them now). And I'm pretty sure that I would have had periodic depressive episodes, as well as chronic anxiety, whether I had gone to grad school or not.

It's certainly true that grad school provides certain triggers for anxiety and depression not found in other walks of life, but all career paths have their stressors, and for the person with a tendency toward depression and anxiety life will always offer new things to worry excessively about. The big difference for me is that now I get to take on my depression and anxiety while pursuing a career that I find meaningful and rewarding, as opposed to doing so while sitting in a cubicle somewhere wishing the fire sprinklers would switch on and drown the entire office.

[litcrittr82]

The reality is that depression is often cyclical, and you may have to do some hard yards even if you don't go back. 

This is a very important point. I had depressive episodes before going to grad school, and I had them during grad school, and may well have them again after grad school (though hopefully I'll do a better job of handling them now). And I'm pretty sure that I would have had periodic depressive episodes, as well as chronic anxiety, whether I had gone to grad school or not.

It's certainly true that grad school provides certain triggers for anxiety and depression not found in other walks of life, but all career paths have their stressors, and for the person with a tendency toward depression and anxiety life will always offer new things to worry excessively about. The big difference for me is that now I get to take on my depression and anxiety while pursuing a career that I find meaningful and rewarding, as opposed to doing so while sitting in a cubicle somewhere wishing the fire sprinklers would switch on and drown the entire office.

Very true.  And there may well be a corelation between the types who pursue long-term graduate study and the types who suffer from various types of anxiety, depression, and anomie.  Maybe some of the psych people can chime in?

[dr_prephd]

Well, I'm glad to hear that you are being proactive about your situation and not letting things slide. That's step one.

How much longer until you can leave with the MA?
That's step two.

My advice would be to take the MA and go find a job for a few years. Once you're out in the working world, you'll know whether or not that PhD keeps calling to you. You'll have a better idea of the kind of program you're looking for, what your long-term goals are, etc. Not to say you haven't thought them through, but there's always something valuable to be gained from perspective.

And there's no shame in walking away with the M.A. In fact, it's much better than having a nervous breakdown ABD and never finishing.

[aether516]

I could leave with the M.A. after one more semester - and not even a full semester at that.  One more class and an expanded seminar paper for a thesis would just about do it in my department.  A tempting option, for sure.  One that I'm definitely leaning towards.

And there's no shame in walking away with the M.A. In fact, it's much better than having a nervous breakdown ABD and never finishing.

Good point.  I think you're absolutely right.

[tt_wannabe]

My advice would be to take the MA and go find a job for a few years. Once you're out in the working world, you'll know whether or not that PhD keeps calling to you. You'll have a better idea of the kind of program you're looking for, what your long-term goals are, etc. Not to say you haven't thought them through, but there's always something valuable to be gained from perspective.

And there's no shame in walking away with the M.A. In fact, it's much better than having a nervous breakdown ABD and never finishing.

What prephd said.

I don't suffer from depression (at least I haven't to this point), but prephd's advice is something I was trying to write myself, but couldn't do as eloquently (or as fast).

[t_r_b]

And there's no shame in walking away with the M.A. In fact, it's much better than having a nervous breakdown ABD and never finishing.

This is certainly true, and I've never been one to discourage people from bowing out with the MA: if you're at all uncertain, there are lots of other great things to do with your life.

That said, it's also worth thinking about whether you are depressed because you are a grad student, or whether you are a person with depression who happens to be in grad school, and is therefore depressed about grad school (i.e., if you were working in a cube farm, you'd be depressed about that instead). If I had responded to depression by stopping whatever I was doing at the time, on the reasoning that that activity must be the cause, I would have dropped out of elementary school, high school, and college, and grad school several times over. In my case, there is little reason to think that I'd be less prone to depression in another career path. The triggers would be different, but recurrent depression and anxiety have a way of finding their own triggers, whatever the context.

So:

If you're not certain that you want an academic career, then go and do something else.

If you are certain that you want an academic career, but are worried that depression will prevent you from succeeding, then go back to the list of suggestions I gave above.

I've personally found that grad school has prompted me to treat my depression and anxiety much more aggressively than I'd ever been open to before. That happened in part because the stress of this career path made any other course untenable, but it's still a very positive change that might not have happened if I'd been in a different career. If I hadn't come to grad school and stayed in a job I hated, I might have been dead by now. So even though grad school can exacerbate depression, it can also provide opportunities and incentives to deal with a problem you'd otherwise shove under the rug, which works great up until it sucks the floor out from under you.

Whatever course you choose, as you move forward be alert to the possible recurrence of your depression. If you do leave, don't let the change in career path lull you into a false sense of security. All the advice above about aggressive and multifaceted treatment, self-care, social networks, etc. applies regardless of what you're doing with your life.

[subaltern]

Aether516, I just want to say, I hear you.  I am actually about to begin my program at a top-rated Ivy, and reading your post I'm afraid I thought, wow, it seems like I'm in for a tough ride.  I suffer from depression and anxiety, which I developed during the year I was writing my senior thesis.  I've had two years of since then, and the anxiety has actually got worse (as another poster noted, these things are cyclical and unfortunately just removing yourself from the situation that sparks them doesn't always make them go away)...but at least the two years off, which I've spent working, have given me time to have lots of therapy and spend lots of time working out the relaxation methods that help me (meditation, exercise) which is something I wouldn't have had time to do had I gone straight to graduate school. As prephd has said, often I think graduate school is not the root cause of depression, but a trigger; I certainly know now (after years of therapy!) that I actually had all the warning signs of depression and anxiety years ago, and the stress from writing my senior thesis just exacerbated them, but didn't cause them.  In that way I guess I can be grateful for that year, because its now teaching me to deal with issues I may otherwise have suppressed for years.

That said, as I mentioned, I'm about to go off and start a PhD at a very intense and hard program.  My mother is freaking out (!) She's absolutely sure I'll have a breakdown, and I've already had long phone calls from her telling me she'll be there for me when I quit, and I can come home and do nothing for 6 months when that happens! She's not inspiring a lot of confidence in me I have to say.  But, the fact is, I know this is what I want to do.  I've tried other things, other professions and paths in my two years off and I missed studying every second of it.  So I've decided, as others mentioned, to be really agressive and proactive about dealing with the anxiety and depression when I start.  My plan is:
1) Exercise, exercise, exercise.  I'm not sporty, I forget to exercise when I'm busy and most of the time I really would rather be curled up reading a book, even a hard theoretical book.  But when I'm running or doing yoga or whatever regularly, its better than any drug.  It just takes persistence.
2) Time management. I don't know if you find this a problem, but I find when I'm not organized my anxiety skyrockets, and my work expands to fill every second of every day.  But when I instigate a little time management, my anxiety decreases, and I find I can squeeze a little time in for rest and relaxation.
3) I plan to pick one hobby - in my case live music, listening and performing - and make time for it at least twice a week, as a way to take my mind off study.
4) Eating (and drinking) well.  I don't know about you but when I was first diagnosed with depression no doctor mentioned to me what I should eat or what I (shouldn't) drink.  It took me ages to work out the blindingly obvious fact that I really shouldn't drink much alcohol, as surprisingly enough it makes me depressed. Meawhile my anxiety actually meant I was drinking more, as a way to relax.  Vicious cycle.  So for the last six months I've been being really careful and avoiding all potential depressants, plus trying to eat lots of fruit and vegetables, protein etc etc, to keep my energy levels up. I mention this because from chatting to various current students at my soon-to-be institution it seems going out for a beer is one of the few social things they do together.  I'm not thinking I won't go, but I'm just planning to be vigilant and realise my own limitations with these things as a result of my depression.  Which is hard because I like a beer after a hard day studying!

You mentioned you have a fiance?  I will also be moving away from my partner to study, which I know will be an added burden.  But we are planning to meet up each weekend and my final plan for keeping my sanity will be scheduling an evening or afternoon with him every week where I let myself go for dinner, go to a movie and just concentrate on nuturing my relationship (which is, after all, more important than graduate school).

Hope it helps to know there are others in your position.  I'll relate back with how I go with my big depression-minimization plans in 6 months!

Also, Tangy_Rakish_Babe - how do you learn to read a book in 3 hours? Tips would be appreciated!

[grasshopper]

Just a quick digression:

That said, as I mentioned, I'm about to go off and start a PhD at a very intense and hard program.  My mother is freaking out (!) She's absolutely sure I'll have a breakdown, and I've already had long phone calls from her telling me she'll be there for me when I quit, and I can come home and do nothing for 6 months when that happens! She's not inspiring a lot of confidence in me I have to say.

I don't know what your mother is like, or what kind of relationship you have, but I used to suffer from debilitating panic attacks that still come up periodically, and have just gotten over a bout of depression.

My father - who loves me more than anything else in the world - wanted to help me, but didn't know how, and the kindest thing I could do for him (and for me!) was to tell him exactly what I needed.

Maybe your mother is going through something similar? Maybe she just needs to be shown more productive ways in which she can help?