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[larryc]

You need to drink. Don't hold back--buy three bottles of the good stuff right now. And don't even try to hide it, keep the bottle on the counter and let her watch it disappear.

[bamabound]

You need to drink. Don't hold back--buy three bottles of the good stuff right now. And don't even try to hide it, keep the bottle on the counter and let her watch it disappear.

I take it you mean "three bottles" of something other than water, stronger than water, right?

[five5]

LOL!  An an immunologist, I can tell you (and MIL) that no one can be allergic to water.  After all, the body is 70% water.  You may quote me.

Not to hijack, but I can honestly tell you that I am allergic to my city's tap water. Now of course, I'm not really allergic to the water itself, but in fact to what the city adds to the water to make it "healthier." The MIL in question may be confusing that, or she could be onerous, or she could just be dumb.

I say it's (d) all of the above. 

Actually, the conversation went on from there. 

Me: "But there is nothing to be allergic to in distilled water--it's just H2O."
MIL: "It's the minerals in the water." 
Me: "There aren't any minerals in distilled water."
MIL, shifting tactics from the "yes, but" game to the martyr approach: "It's okay, I'll just boil all my water while I'm there."
Me: "Wouldn't that just concentrate the minerals?"

It kinda went downhill from there. 

Thanks, LarryC, copious amounts of alcohol are definitely called for. 

[sugaree]

You need to drink. Don't hold back--buy three bottles of the good stuff right now. And don't even try to hide it, keep the bottle on the counter and let her watch it disappear.

I take it you mean "three bottles" of something other than water, stronger than water, right?

Hee. Or, get the kind of water MIL is "allergic" to so she won't be tempted by it. Or, conversely, you can point out she is not, in fact, "allegeric" to water as she seems to be drinking all of yours ;).

[antiphon1]

You need to drink. Don't hold back--buy three bottles of the good stuff right now. And don't even try to hide it, keep the bottle on the counter and let her watch it disappear.

I take it you mean "three bottles" of something other than water, stronger than water, right?

Oh yes, much stronger than water.  A shot glass sitting by the good stuff helps you administer medicinal doses as needed.  

I wouldn't know anything about this, of course.

[magistra]

Vodka comes from the Polish word for water!  So when you're drinking "water", have a shot!  Good for what ails you!  After all, they give clear fluids to the very sick in the hospital...

[london1]

Yep.  Mine saves the bacon grease from breakfast to pour into the canned vegetables that will be served at dinner (after simmering them on the stove for 30 minutes). 

Thanks for support, everyone!  This may make it all worthwhile. 

As if the canned vegetables aren't bad enough, the woman actually pours bacon grease into the vegetables?  

When I was first married, my MIL mailed me several recipes that she assured me were my DH's absolute FAVORITES from childhood.  When I made the first one (a concoction of grapes, pineapple, coconut flakes, cool whip and mini marshmellows) DH ate a bit, but with no comment.  I asked him how he liked it and he replied "it's okay, I guess."  I told him that him mother had mailed me the recipe, assuring me that it was one of his boyhood favorites.  I received a blank stare as he replied "it was my BROTHER'S favorite, not mine."  I showed him the other recipes she had sent only to be informed that "she NEVER made this" and "NOBODY in the family could stand this."

We had a good laugh as we dumped the salad in the garbage!

[undisciplined]

How was dinner with MIL? Are you drinking as the fora doctors ordered? A new installment of the saga, please. Remember your instructions from prof_mom. You can do this. Remember, mine visited for a month at a time. Think about that when you are about to say something stupid and smile instead.

[scheherazade]

Look, until you've had your MIL come over uninvited at 7:30 AM, trap your 10 year old kid by the patio door and get him to let you in, and march into your bedroom where you are peacefully sleeping next to SO (thank goodness that's all we were doing!) and demand that you wake up, get out of bed, and entertain her...I win.

I would gladly relinquish that trophy, though.

[magistra]

Am I wrong to think that story would be much funnier if you had been having sex?  'Cause that would've been great. 

Of course your husband might never have wanted to have sex again, but with a mother like that, it might be time for a trade-in anyway.  Or at least a nice supply of rat poison for her pitcher of water from home.

Your vodka will be safe to drink, of course.

[five5]

I don't this will top your experience, Scheherazade, but I do think it comes close. 

When I got home this evening, I told the kids to get dressed (they had been in their PJs all day with MIL in charge) while I changed clothes so we could go outside and pick berries for tonight's dessert.  I went to my bedroom to change too, and MIL followed me in there.  I pulled out my other clothes and took off everything I was willing to take off with her in the room, thinking she'd take the hint.  She didn't.  Finally, I stepped inside the closet to change, but the minute I was down to my skivvies, she followed me in there! 

Fast forward to berry-picking time.  The kids and I were heading outside, and I told MIL that she could just relax in the house if she liked (she had been complaining about the heat), but she wanted to come along.  So off we go.  I try to pick berries, but every 2 minutes, she would find some other interesting plant to show me and tell me all about.  They are my effing plants--I think I know what they are!  (And most of the time she was dead wrong anyway--no, really, I'm sure that's not a walnut tree.) 

Finally, the heat inspired the retelling of the story about how, for almost all of her life, her sweat glands were nonfunctional.  Apparently, she had a heat stroke when she was young and it somehow knocked those sweat glands completely out of commission.   Not to worry though--their functioning has recently been restored.  I know you're as relieved to hear that as I was. 

Dinner was amazingly mild after all this though (I think the wine during its preparation helped.)  It's even quieter now--spousal unit has taken MIL for a drive around town while I finish up some very important work that simply has to be done by morning. 

[magistra]

OK, maybe I don't want Mr. Page 33.  He may have a mother, and based on the testimony given here, they are all evil.  Does it count if I don't marry him?

Good luck this week, 5!  It sounds like you're doing great!

[galactic_hedgehog]

Finally, the heat inspired the retelling of the story about how, for almost all of her life, her sweat glands were nonfunctional.  Apparently, she had a heat stroke when she was young and it somehow knocked those sweat glands completely out of commission.   Not to worry though--their functioning has recently been restored.  I know you're as relieved to hear that as I was. 

This explains why she's allergic to water.

[zarathustra]

Thanks, GH! 

Please join in, london1--misery loves company! 

She arrived late last night, so there hasn’t been opportunity to be too annoyed yet.  I was curious about what she would carry in with her though.  In the days (even weeks) prior to the trip, she was on the phone every couple of days with a new concern…. 

MIL: “I’m afraid I won’t be able to drink the water there.  My body is really sensitive to different water.” 
Me: “I can buy some bottled water to have available for you.” 
MIL: “I’m allergic to bottled water.”
Me: “Then I’ll get distilled water.” 
MIL: “I’m allergic to that too.” 

How is that possible?! 

She's rabid?

[epistephiliac]

OK, maybe I don't want Mr. Page 33.  He may have a mother, and based on the testimony given here, they are all evil.  Does it count if I don't marry him?

Mr. p. 33 isn't about marriage. He may or may not even be able to hold a conversation. That part is irrelevant, as is his family.