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[five5]

Hi forumites!  I was a quasi-regular poster pre-registration days (moniker was just “five” then, but I needed the extra character to register now).  I still read occasionally, but I decided to finally register and begin posting again. 

I was inspired to do so because my MIL arrived last night for a week-long visit.  I thought I’d start a thread to share the upcoming absurdities certain to ensue.  Although I hope you get some entertainment out of it, I have to admit to a purely selfish motivation also:  Following the fabulous examples set by ProfMom and LarryC chronicling their MIL trials, I thought that it might prove cathartic if I were to have an outlet for all of the frustrations that I will inevitably encounter as a result of her nonstop commentary as the Expert on All Things Known to Humanity. 

I have committed myself to not letting her get to me this time—it has been 12 years since she visited us in our home (although we visit her a couple of times a year), and that one definitely ended in fireworks.  She had been picking and criticizing for several days: 

“Oh, you don’t use <ingredient that two family members are allergic to> in this dish….  well, I suppose if you want to ruin it, you can do it that way.” 

“You know that if you rinse that out, it will be easier to clean later.”  Really?  I would have never thought of that. 

The final straw was her saying, “The problem with kids today is that their mothers work too much.”  This followed my late return from the office one evening (any guesses on why I was working late?).  That was it for me—I tore back with “Oh, I thought the problem was that their parents were too quick to divorce” which I said, not because I believed it, but because she and FIL were divorced.  Let’s just say that my "unprovoked personal attack" didn’t go over too well, with MIL or my spousal unit.  I ended up putting in even more hours at the office for the rest of that visit! 

Let’s hope that I can be more mature this time :~) 

[london1]

.....The final straw was her saying, “The problem with kids today is that their mothers work too much.”  This followed my late return from the office one evening (any guesses on why I was working late?).  That was it for me—I tore back with “Oh, I thought the problem was that their parents were too quick to divorce” which I said, not because I believed it, but because she and FIL were divorced....   

Brava, five5!  Great comeback.  One can only swallow her own tongue for so long before she begins to choke on it.  My MIL is due to visit next month, so I will certainly add to the thread if I may.

[galactic_hedgehog]

Welcome back, five5!

Alas, I get on very well with my MIL (and FIL, too).  She's nice to me and great with Hedgepiglet.  She'll share her expertise in things when she thinks you need to know how to do something, but she's never obnoxious.  She can get a bit testy at times, but it's always at FIL.  I just sit back, smile, and have another beer.

[five5]

Thanks, GH! 

Please join in, london1--misery loves company! 

She arrived late last night, so there hasn’t been opportunity to be too annoyed yet.  I was curious about what she would carry in with her though.  In the days (even weeks) prior to the trip, she was on the phone every couple of days with a new concern…. 

MIL: “I’m afraid I won’t be able to drink the water there.  My body is really sensitive to different water.” 
Me: “I can buy some bottled water to have available for you.” 
MIL: “I’m allergic to bottled water.”
Me: “Then I’ll get distilled water.” 
MIL: “I’m allergic to that too.” 

How is that possible?! 

I was relieved to see that she did not walk in last night with a jug of water form home.  That would have made for an interesting conversation at the airport security checkpoint though! 

[prof_mom]

I am sending you good thoughts as you begin this phase of your trial. You can do this. Trust me, posting here is cathartic for the most part. There will be some who will post to point out how you are contributing to the problem. Please try to ignore them. The rest of us will be pulling for you and knowing that you are doing your best under extreme pressure.

Maybe we can set this up like an episode of survivor.

We can give you challenges to distract you and you get points for smiling whenever she tells you something obvious. Wait! You should act like she told you the smartest thing ever.

Here is the game. She tells you that you should take the lid of the jar before trying to use it. You look at her with amazement and wonder and tell her you would never have thought of such a clever solution to the problem. You can post all the things you "learn" from her here. I can't wait to read all the pearls of wisdom!

If you get annoyed, you lose points and she gains points. Remember that you are enduring the crazy to provide us entertainment. Everything she does or says becomes something you can't wait to tell us about. You are living an episode of Raymond.

If you practice this, you will eventually find your smiles become genuine and you will learn to smile and shake your head when she does things that used to annoy you. You will cease to be annoyed, you will laugh, you will relax and you might even find yourself not hating her visits quite as much. I am getting there and it is a much happier place to be. I have even found myself enjoying her stories sometimes now that I have more faith in my ability to control my reaction to her.

I am rooting for you.

[zharkov]

Who was it (prof mom?) with the MIL who always wanted to make gifts of Walmart stretch pants?

[prof_mom]

Who was it (prof mom?) with the MIL who always wanted to make gifts of Walmart stretch pants?

Yep. That is me. Remember that the black Walmart stretch pants with the velvet stripe matched hers? She likes to buy me clothes from the Walmart clearance rack that match hers. She likes to tell me they come from the clearance rack. Remember that she was upset that I didn't wear them to work and to the restaurant when she wore them?

For Christmas she brought me a pair of blue sweat pants with white stripes down the legs from the clearance rack at Target. She made a point of telling me they came from the clearance rack at Target. I honestly like those pants and wear them around the house. When I opened them, she was wearing a matching pair. She gave SIL a pair of the same pants. When they came for a visit they both brought the pants and wore them at the same time. I smiled and put mine on. I think this made MIL very happy. My daughter wants a pair.

[london1]

For Christmas she brought me a pair of blue sweat pants with white stripes down the legs from the clearance rack at Target. She made a point of telling me they came from the clearance rack at Target. I honestly like those pants and wear them around the house. When I opened them, she was wearing a matching pair. She gave SIL a pair of the same pants. When they came for a visit they both brought the pants and wore them at the same time. I smiled and put mine on. I think this made MIL very happy. My daughter wants a pair.

If Prof_Mom's daughter also gets a pair of matching stretch pants, then there would be 3 GENERATIONS of this family's women wearing stretch pants??!!  Oh....my....god.....

[mirandaf]

Great thread. 

We're heading off to see the in-laws in a couple of weeks for a *short* visit. By the time Day 2 rolls around, there will be comments about how my husband doesn't drink enough water, and how none of us eat enough. They'll serve us ENORMOUS, heavy, fat-laden, heart-attack-inducing breakfasts @ 8:00am that one must - MUST - get up for (or heaven help you), and then they'll comment how, "We never eat like this regularly." Eggs and butter and pancakes and butter and salt ham and butter and grits and butter and sausage and butter and thick cream for your coffee and butter and butter and butter. Did I mention butter? Great. Thanks so much for breaking out all the junk on our account, MIL & FIL. Can't I just have Cheerios and ice water? When is this trip over?

[shrek]

I try to direct my MIL's "gifts" for the good of humanity. She LOVES to shop-- discount, goodwill, whatever. I will give her a task-- a quest actually. "I'm looking for a widget, but not just any widget a special one..." and go on to describe exactly what I'm looking for. She goes forth and finds it (it may take her the rest of her visit but it keeps her occupied). Incidently, this works for other family members as well-- when my brother comes I give him a special job to do (usually utilizing his designing capacity which he's a master at) keeps him focused on the project and not on being obnoxious.

[five5]

So far, there have been no proposals for matching clothes, but all three of her daughters-in-law receive identical holiday-themed jewelry every Christmas.  Think 1.5 inch high snowman or wreath earrings.  She always has a pair of her own too, of course. 

How unfortunate that my ears are not pierced--she knows this, but I still get the requisite identi-gift.  After all, it's not her fault that I'm not considerate enough to put holes in my ears to wear her gifts! 

[inthelab]

Thanks, GH! 

Please join in, london1--misery loves company! 

She arrived late last night, so there hasn’t been opportunity to be too annoyed yet.  I was curious about what she would carry in with her though.  In the days (even weeks) prior to the trip, she was on the phone every couple of days with a new concern…. 

MIL: “I’m afraid I won’t be able to drink the water there.  My body is really sensitive to different water.” 
Me: “I can buy some bottled water to have available for you.” 
MIL: “I’m allergic to bottled water.”
Me: “Then I’ll get distilled water.” 
MIL: “I’m allergic to that too.” 

How is that possible?! 

I was relieved to see that she did not walk in last night with a jug of water form home.  That would have made for an interesting conversation at the airport security checkpoint though! 

LOL!  An an immunologist, I can tell you (and MIL) that no one can be allergic to water.  After all, the body is 70% water.  You may quote me.

[five5]

Eggs and butter and pancakes and butter and salt ham and butter and grits and butter and sausage and butter and thick cream for your coffee and butter and butter and butter. Did I mention butter?

Yep.  Mine saves the bacon grease from breakfast to pour into the canned vegetables that will be served at dinner (after simmering them on the stove for 30 minutes). 

Thanks for support, everyone!  This may make it all worthwhile. 

[undisciplined]

A week?! Sheesh. That's nothing. My MIL used to come for a month. A month. At the time, she lived on another continent. But still. I never got used to it. Now she comes for "short" visits--like a week! (In my family, a week is a long visit.) And she still invites herself.

[anonymath]

LOL!  An an immunologist, I can tell you (and MIL) that no one can be allergic to water.  After all, the body is 70% water.  You may quote me.

Not to hijack, but I can honestly tell you that I am allergic to my city's tap water. Now of course, I'm not really allergic to the water itself, but in fact to what the city adds to the water to make it "healthier." The MIL in question may be confusing that, or she could be onerous, or she could just be dumb.