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[oldfullprof]

It probably costs me about $1,000 a month extra for about eight months a year to live remotely.  This factors in car expenses and tolls.  I use a Fairfield Inn three nights a week.  I've looked at other alternatives, but they're not as attractive.  Most rooms or apartments are about $850 plus, so Fairfield is actually cheaper.  One cheap place I looked at was godawful-- so that was out. 

I bring cold tupperware meals to nuke and Fairfield has a bad free breakfast, but there some decent choices in it if you're careful. 

Our mortgage here is about a fourth or fifth (conservatively) of what we'd pay in the coastal state in which I teach, so this works.  It would have broken my heart to pay the obscene prices they charge, and they haven't really come down all that much now.

Had I remained at Remote State, my first T-T, I'd probably be making abiut what I make now minus the $8,000.

[spork]

The problem was not being apart during the work week, it was spending quality time alone with each other on weekends.

I'm on the verge of another LDR -- this time we'll be 4 hours apart.  We've been talking about seeing each other every other weekend during the semesters.

Spork link, do you have any advice about spending quality time alone with each other on the weekends that you wouldn't mind sharing?

This all comes from my experience, which was a bit unusual, so YMMV:

Both parties must be willing to be physically and mentally with the other, and no one else, when they have the opportunity.  Not 24/7 of course, but the person you're in a relationship with is in a relationship with you, not you and your friends/coworkers/relatives.  Don't turn the limited amount of time you have together into an excuse to socialize.  If your vacation revolves around being in the company of other people, it's not a vacation.

When together, allow for some down time, at home.  Shut off the cell phones and computers.

Do your work when your partner isn't there, not when he/she is there.

If the relationship is child-free, alternate who travels in some fashion.  Maybe one person travels 3 weekends a month, the other 1 weekend a month.

Have lots of sex.

As the Post article mentioned, sometimes it's not a good time "to talk."  E.g., after traveling for 6 hours and finally walking through the door at 11:30 pm, your partner probably doesn't want to discuss what's bugging you for the next 3 hours.  He/she won't even be able to pay attention to what you're saying.

Keep your living quarters organized.  The partner = pig pen association gets old very quickly, often because the person who has traveled sees the situation as housework that needs doing -- and housework eats up time the two of you could be doing something else, together.

Physical space translates into psychological territory -- make sure your partner has some, even if it's just a dresser drawer and some hangers in the closet.  Your partner is more likely to feel an important part of your life if he/she doesn't have to live out of a duffel bag whenever he/she visits.

[kilpikonna]

Wow, spork.  Great advice!
Some of those are things my partner and I had already planned on doing; the rest, I will try to be conscious of (especially the dishes!).

[ghoti]

The partner = pig pen association gets old very quickly, often because the person who has traveled sees the situation as housework that needs doing -- and housework eats up time the two of you could be doing something else, together.

Wow. I will have to get my SO to read this advice!

[field_mouse]

I am in a long-distance relationship  (thanks to spork, in a tangential LHC way) with someone who lives 186 miles (3 hrs drive) away.  We do all the things Spork recommended, and have a GREAT relationship.  Some weekends we do have to work, but in that case we work in the same office and trade frequent backrubs & commiserations.

I have an additional warning, though, about the family/socialization part.  While my relationship with Mousebait is healthy, my relationship with my family is deteriorating.  My parents in particular seem resentful that I spend a lot of time and money visiting Mousebait, and less time and money visiting them.  (They live much further away.)  The fact is that time and money both need to be budgeted, and I DO have to shift some of each away from the "family" budget and toward the "Mousebait" budget to make my relationship work.  And of course as Spork points out, weekends spent together at family functions of either family are not weekends spent paying attention to each other.

And now for a question:  What do I need to have, technology-wise, to use/get Skype?  I'm v. curious about this option.

[dr_zack]

I'm so happy this thread has generated such great replies!

Spork - your advice is just perfect!  My partner and I plan to do many of the things you talk about, and I've been very inclusive of him (for example, he's helped me pick out things for the new apartment, and we're jointly having my new colleagues over for drinks while he's in my new city with me in early August, and we're taking a romantic overnight trip to "next big city over from us" too).  Right now, he's coming to see me in August and September, and then I'm coming back here in November and December, so we're rotating -- and we plan to use Skype and also video conference, e-mail, etc.

Luckily, between my good new salary (not GREAT, but good) and his VERY good salary (another reason he's not willing to leave his career just yet and try something new somewhere new) we've just accepted that it's going to cost us more, but that it's worth it for me to be able to take this job - it's a great department/program, good school, and excellent experience.  We're keeping our home in Seattle, and I'm renting a small-ish (650 square feet) apartment in my new city not far from campus (keeping it simple and "Zen") - luckily housing is very affordable there.  We'll also do one or two "conference-combo" visits - where he'll fly in and meet me at the hotel.

[michiexile]

Me and my wife have been living apart for the last 3 years, and we have no end in sight. I moved away after my MSc, and ended up getting my PhD in Germany, while she stayed on in Sweden.

Halfway through, she gets a job offer from a Michigan university, and we decide she should take it - so I ended up finishing my PhD extra quickly in order to cross the Atlantic with her.

So now, she's headed for Michigan, and I'm headed for Northern California. Given the distance from my German University to any decent airport, travel times look like they'll stay roughly the same, but the pure distance has increased significantly. If nothing else, after the move we'll have timezone differences to deal with as well!

On two student budgets we managed (somehow) to make sure we meet every 6 weeks. I'm hoping that with the more decent salary I'll be lifting in California, we'll be able to make that at least every 4 weeks, if not even every 3...

Skype. Cheap international calls. And an insane amount of money spent on phone bills. One of the things I'm REALLY looking forward to is the unlimited free calls within the same cell phone provider plans we've scouted. Just living in the same country will saves us some money.

[historienne]

I'm in the middle of transitioning from a 2.5 year LDR to living together with my partner.  I'll just add to Spork's excellent advice a few things that worked for us:

-Using the videochat feature of Skype (or iChat, if you have a mac) is probably what did the most to make our relationship work.  It sounds lame, but not everyone is used to talking on the phone for long periods of time.  My partner is from a country where local telephone calls are not free, and so didn't grow up having 2-hour conversations with his friends every night, the way I did when I was a teenager.  Being able to see each other makes our conversations feel much more natural...even when we don't have anything to say, we can at least look at each other and laugh.

-Seeing each other as often as possible.  For those two and a half years, we didn't go any real vacations other than to see each other (sometimes meeting one of our family's homes).  It cost probably $6000 a year total for our visits, since we were living on different continents.  And we're both poor grad students.  Still, seeing each other once every two months at minimum was absolutely worth it.  This may be different for people who are farther in to their relationships; we'd been dating for about a year.  But for us, I don't think we could have made it work without this investment of time & money.

[zharkov]

And now for a question:  What do I need to have, technology-wise, to use/get Skype?  I'm v. curious about this option.

You need an internet connection.

You download the software at:  http://www.skype.com/   and set up a Skype account.  Your SO, pals, etc. do the same. 

It is available for Windows, Mac, and Linux.

It helps to have a headset with the earphones/mic, but if you commuter already has build in speakers and a mic, you can give it  a try.

Once you are both set up, let each other know your Skype login, and you call each other.

[dr_zack]

I just really figured something out that made my partner and I both feel a little better.  Since I'm taking the summers "off", I'll be home for 3 months.  Add that to my month long winter break, and two weeks back here each semester, and I'll actually be back "home" 5 months out of 12!  If you add my partner's visits to see me to the equation, we'll actually see one another in the flesh/live in the same place for about 6 months a year.  That's pretty darn good, no?

[gourmetless]

Thanks Spork!  Good list.

I am having a major depressive period right now.  The Gentleman and I cannot spend the summer together, since he has to work (non-academic gov. worker) and I have two small elderly felines who need daily meds.  We manage a little more time together during the summers, but nowhere near as much as we would like.  It makes for less 'fun in the sun' when you are by yourself.

One more year (hopefully).

[dr_zack]

Sorry to hear that gourmetless!  But it sounds like there's a light at the end of the tunnel for you.  Yahoo! 

I'm also having issues today since I leave TOMORROW (Saturday), and besides leaving my partner, I'm leaving our 12 year old dog - both of whom I'll miss a great deal.

[knitting_4_sanity]

Thanks for this thread!

This evening, Mr. Knitting and I drive off into the sunset to relocate me to my new TT, 900 miles away.  We've constructed a vacation around the trip, as if to convince ourselves to forget, if only for a week, how we'll have to be apart this year.  I'm a little terrified I'm going to cry all the way there, thus ruining the vacation.

Mr. Knitting should be able to join me in about a year, and we've already bought tickets to fly back and forth about once a month for much of that stretch.  I plan to keep living like a grad student,  the cost of living in TT-ville is cheap, my salary looks like a lot after a year of adjuncting, and we've got frequent flyer miles to cover a couple of the trips. 

He'll stay in the city in which we've been living for the last several years, fairly close to both our families and all of our friends.  I'll be all by my lonesome in TT-ville, but my colleagues seem lovely, I'm pretty outgoing, and I'm grateful this distance thing is temporary. 

Sigh.  It's nice to know we're all going through it together, and thanks for some excellent tips.  I guess I'll use the year to publish like a madwoman, and use all that time on airplanes and in airports to lit review...

[dr_zack]

Hey knitting - your plans sound very similar to ours.  I'm flying back east (where I'm originally from) to visit family and friends before driving the 5 hours to TT-ville, where my partner will join me for 8 days -- and then we won't see one another for a month until he comes back in September.  But, after that, we'll see one another every 2-3 weeks.  I only know one person in my new city - besides my new colleagues, so it'll be weird.  But, like you said, everyone there seems very nice and I'm sure I'll make some new friends fast!

[stanwyck]

I'm hoping this thread will help me develop/maintain a positive outlook.

We've been together a total of sixteen years, the last three of which we've been living apart--a three-hour commute by car, across a timezone.  Only I drive, so the physical burden of driving/visiting has fallen on my shoulders.  What Spork says rings true for me--while there maybe be other sources for tension, it was the necessity of constantly living out of the suitcase that wore on me.  SO slowly took over the closets, the dresser, even the office became a walk-in closet while I was gone.  Also, it was hard having to do two sets of chores--run all the errands, do all the housecleaning, etc. for the place we had in the second town, then come home and have to do it all over again on the weekend.

We've luckily had the past two months together in the same place, and tried to solve some of these problems.  However, in about six weeks, I'm leaving for another year--completely leaving on a research fellowship in a foreign country.  Said fellowship would have paid for my SO to travel with me, if only it wasn't for that stupid Defense of Marriage Act.  So, she'll visit me 2-3 times over the next year, on our dime.  I think I'd be looking forward to the year overseas a lot more if I hadn't just spent three years trying to live in two places here.

It's all very tiring, I think.  My independent streak carries me only so far, and I really miss the cats when I'm gone.  I'm worried that something will happen to them while I'm away for 12 months--they can't Skype, after all, how will I talk to them?  Silly, I know, but there you go, that's what I'm fussing about this week.