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[verde]

I've been reading CHE forum posts for a couple of years, have just recently embarked upon a second year of living cross-country from my spouse, and have only today actually peeked into this thread to read posts. It's getting progressively more difficult to see how what I'm doing is worth it, especially because we are at the point where we want to start a family but aren't willing to do so while living apart. Spouse has a gratifying, very well-paying job in an area of the country you might have to pay me to live; I earn close to nothing doing work I'm ambivalent about on good days.

The current plan is to give up the gratifying, well-paying job to look for something comparable in this area. If this happens before another year passes, we'll take a five-figure financial hit (think about as low as you can get in the five-figure range; I'd rather not mention specifics beyond that). I can't tell whether that's reasonable; thinking about this decision is very much colored by the desire to be in the same place, as are many other things (don't know if I'd feel differently/better about what I'm doing, for example, if I didn't have to split my life in this way).

Someone asked about anxiety upthread. I'm mostly okay on this front. But anytime I read about someone with a sick (or worse) partner, the "would this have been worth it?" reflex kicks in, heavy.

[2tomato]

verde - I hear you, it is so hard! The fact that you're questioning this after you've given this LDR a chance of 2 years may be an indication you could be ready to make a new move.  I am also beginning a long distance relationship with no definite end in sight.  I think about this everyday, and I suspect I'm living less a life because I've been so absorbed in the agony of it.

I'm a little puzzled though - your job doesn't pay well and you're ambivalent about it, while your spouse is doing well and enjoying her/his job.  The only thing that seems to be stopping you is an undesirable place.  Do you think that being together and possibly starting a family might warm you up to your new environment? I'm considering a move to my partner's 'undesirable location' as well.  It's a very tough decision, and for me it comes down to 1) whether I am ready NOW to make this compromise and 2) waiting till Year X to move after I've got my fill of living in my current city; when I've come to a point when, finally, I recognize current city and all it has to offer is incomparable to being in one place. Good luck and hang in there!

[oak_and_ash]

I've been reading CHE forum posts for a couple of years, have just recently embarked upon a second year of living cross-country from my spouse, and have only today actually peeked into this thread to read posts. It's getting progressively more difficult to see how what I'm doing is worth it, especially because we are at the point where we want to start a family but aren't willing to do so while living apart. Spouse has a gratifying, very well-paying job in an area of the country you might have to pay me to live; I earn close to nothing doing work I'm ambivalent about on good days.

The current plan is to give up the gratifying, well-paying job to look for something comparable in this area. If this happens before another year passes, we'll take a five-figure financial hit (think about as low as you can get in the five-figure range; I'd rather not mention specifics beyond that). I can't tell whether that's reasonable; thinking about this decision is very much colored by the desire to be in the same place, as are many other things (don't know if I'd feel differently/better about what I'm doing, for example, if I didn't have to split my life in this way).

Someone asked about anxiety upthread. I'm mostly okay on this front. But anytime I read about someone with a sick (or worse) partner, the "would this have been worth it?" reflex kicks in, heavy.

It can be so hard.  I'm on my 1-year anniversary of a LDR, though if all goes well, she'll be moving to my location in March.  Is there no place near your spouse that you could tolerate living in?  From a purely logical standpoint, it looks like it might be better for you to move, if you're ambivalent about your job and your spouse likes theirs.  But, alas, I know humans are not logical - it would be very hard for me to move to my partner's location.  In any case, it's reasonable to want to live in the same place as your spouse, especially since you want to start a family.  It's also reasonable - and inevitable - for both of you to make some sacrifices to achieve this (financial, academic, social, etc.)  However, it sounds like any such sacrifices would be worth it to you two.   

[larryc]

I've been reading CHE forum posts for a couple of years, have just recently embarked upon a second year of living cross-country from my spouse, and have only today actually peeked into this thread to read posts. It's getting progressively more difficult to see how what I'm doing is worth it, especially because we are at the point where we want to start a family but aren't willing to do so while living apart. Spouse has a gratifying, very well-paying job in an area of the country you might have to pay me to live; I earn close to nothing doing work I'm ambivalent about on good days.

The current plan is to give up the gratifying, well-paying job to look for something comparable in this area.

Wait--the person who has a good, high paying job is going to give that up and move to be with the person with the s***ty, poorly paying job? Am I reading that right?

[madhatter]

I've been reading CHE forum posts for a couple of years, have just recently embarked upon a second year of living cross-country from my spouse, and have only today actually peeked into this thread to read posts. It's getting progressively more difficult to see how what I'm doing is worth it, especially because we are at the point where we want to start a family but aren't willing to do so while living apart. Spouse has a gratifying, very well-paying job in an area of the country you might have to pay me to live; I earn close to nothing doing work I'm ambivalent about on good days.

Considering the income disparity, if you move to live with spouse, you ARE being paid to live there. Problem solved.

[verde]

Wait--the person who has a good, high paying job is going to give that up and move to be with the person with the s***ty, poorly paying job? Am I reading that right?

Not without an offer for an at least decent, comparably-paying job--spouse is a non-academic with a good chance of securing such a thing--but sadly, yes.

My guilt breeds hyperbole. I should qualify. First, someone asked about me sucking it up and moving. The part of the country we're talking about isn't one in which I want to raise children (language/culture considerations), which makes moving there to start a family less than ideal, although it would mean more time for spouse in the desirable job.

Second, I have looked at opportunities for myself in that area and come up empty-handed; relocating at this point would essentially mean leaving academia. That's a move that isn't entirely out of the question (sometimes the thought is almost thrilling), and but I'm not ready to turn my professional life on its head just yet. Madhatter is right in that at this moment it's a no-brainer, but there would also be long-term financial repercussions to consider. I also want to avoid unnecessary damage to the relationship due to doubts about what could have been. On either part. 

oak_and_ash, thanks for recognizing the power of illogical thinking. I'm happy for you and your parter--fingers crossed that everything turns out well.

[oak_and_ash]

So, I just got back from a somewhat intense and difficult visit with my partner, who is about four states away.  I think we both had a good time, but our long-term plans are unclear.  My partner is currently struggling with bipolar disorder and does not, understandably, want to move away from her family until she feels stable enough.  Her doctor is willing to keep trying new combinations of meds, and we're hopeful that she will find something that will stabilise her moods with side effects she can tolerate.  In the meantime, plans for her to move to my location in March has been shelved.  We've looked at my moving to her location, but I have professional commitments that will keep me here for another 2-3 years. 

We're going to take steps for her to feel comfortable in my area, like finding a NAMI chapter here (she's a Peer-to-Peer class leader in her area), but I still feel disappointed and a little sad.  It's been so hard for both of us.  This is the real deal, I think - if we can just make to the point where we can live together, I believe that we'll last.  I guess I'm just looking for a little support and/or advice from other people living in long-distance relationships.     

[jsnoopyd]

I am so glad this forum is here.  I have been commuting from my home to work for nearly 2 yrs.  I love my job, and have built a positive connection with students.  But I am so sad that I have to leave my daughter (pre-teen) in another city.  The commute is very long >600 by car.  So I commute back home every other weekend.  My finances are not to the point where I can really fly...as a matter of fact the expenses to live in two places does not help but hurt. I am practically broke at the beginning of the month and I have cut my expenses to the bare bones.  During my 15 year teaching career, I have commuted to some place of higher education at least within 2 hours.  This commute has really taken a toll on me economically, socially, mentally, and physically.  I can only hope that a position will open closer to home.  But the longer I stay where I am the hard I think it will become to leave.  What can I do?

[spectacle]

Reviving this thread...

Just Skyped with my husband.  He has grown a very handsome beard.  I won't see him in person until March.  I put on makeup for our Skype dates.  Sometimes we eat dinner together.   

This is working fine so far, but it's not a long term solution for us (no more than 1-2 years). 

[greyscale]

I need help being supportive of my partner. He's seriously depressed and living across the country from me. I'm becoming really frustrated but I realize that's not helpful or productive, and I don't know how to change my reactions to be more supportive. The long distance makes it much harder, so I'm asking here, but perhaps there's a better thread?

We've been together 13 years: the first 4 in the same city, long distance for the next 4 years (I moved here for grad school), living together another 4.5 years (he moved here for a postdoc), and he just moved back east for a faculty job in October. By his standards, his job search was a huge failure; by external standards it wasn't, but his disappointment and even grief are real. Now he's living in a city many people dislike, with essentially no social connections, missing his old life.

He is struggling to cope with this, and rethinking a lot of his life, and maybe making some progress. He finally found a therapist just now. I'm frustrated that he waited so long and frustrated that he doesn't take steps to TRY to do anything in his new city. I know how hard depression can be (I was depressed all of last year, and he was immensely supportive) and I know not to expect him to cope in the same ways I would. But these days I'm finding it harder and harder to avoid a fruitless tough love mindset. It reached a head this weekend when he didn't return messages for three days (I was just checking in really briefly once a day - an IM, a phone call to say hi, a text message). I need to set aside my personal anger (and fear!) about him dropping out of contact and be supportive, but I just don't know how to keep myself from expressing my frustration. I feel like I've lost my partner; I need a partner who wants to share his life with me, even if it's just little bits of information about what happened during his day, and he's shutting me out more and more because he doesn't think there's anything worth sharing.

I know I can't convey the whole situation in one post, but I do believe very solidly that he really wants to be with me and sees me as a positive part of his life, for what it's worth. I also know he thinks my reactions are not always sympathetic.

So... is there a good "how not to make things worse when your partner is depressed" handbook? Because I'm really at my wits' end.

[spectacle]

Hi greyscale,

I'm sorry you're going through this.  My husband and I live 1500 some miles apart and both of us occasionally suffer from depression.  We both have counselors - it's nice to have a set appointment with someone to talk to about the difficulties of living apart. 

I'm frustrated that he waited so long and frustrated that he doesn't take steps to TRY to do anything in his new city.

I know exactly how you feel - it took my husband ages to get a therapist, even though he's very honest about suffering from depression and knows that it impacts everyone around him.  I felt really angry - like, "you know this is damaging our marriage, but you're not willing to do anything about it."  But the important thing is that your husband DID take this huge first step and is going.  That will help him to make other positive changes, like finding a social circle that gets him out and exercising and all of the other things that will help.

It reached a head this weekend when he didn't return messages for three days (I was just checking in really briefly once a day - an IM, a phone call to say hi, a text message).

My husband and I have an agreement: we talk once every single day, just to check in with each other.  To some people, that seems like a lot, or extreme, but we're both prone to feeling down, we're both prone to anxiety and we're both pretty damn lonely apart.  So even if it's just a 30 second check-in, we talk once every day.   I think that if one or both partners in a long distance relationship are feeling depressed, this can be a really helpful rule.  Also, we try to remember to tell each other one positive/funny/good thing that's happened to us so that it doesn't devolve into a  phone date to complain about students or our families. 

I really feel for you, greyscale; I know exactly what you mean.  When my husband gets depressed, it takes all of my self-control to not say, "You have a great job! Most of our friends are unemployed! Suck it up!"  And as hard as I try to remember that he could say the exact same thing to me when I get depressed... it's very difficult. 

Other folks might have more practical advice than I have.  I do feel that speaking every day - even for just a few minutes - helps.  Oh, also, my husband and I try to make plans to make our lives better (look for activities to make new friends, exercise, try a new restaurant) and keep each other posted on how we're doing with those plans. 

I hope some of this helps.  Good luck to you.  It's eerie to read your post.  I could have written parts of it myself.  It makes me feel better that I'm not alone in this, so thank you for posting.

[greyscale]

Thanks for replying! It's good to know my experience isn't so different from others'.

I stopped seeing my therapist in August - I like to say I graduated - she said it seemed like I was doing quite well and she'd have a hard time convincing my insurance company to continue covering it. Which is great! But I've been thinking of going back, because she'd be a good resource for me to figure out how to deal with this.

Maybe I should suggest an actual agreement to talk/IM every day (we do most days). It would be a good reminder for both of us. And I haven't tried Skype dates yet but I keep meaning to. He dislikes talking on the phone, and I wonder if Skype would be easier for him.

I'm a very social person and always up to something - at the moment I'm spending ~15 hrs a week on a big collaborative art project, and I have dance classes a few times a week, and so on. My SO generally relied on me to get him out of the house and doing interesting things. That caused problems when we lived together and it's definitely not helping now. The contrast between our lives is more stark and also, even though we talk a LOT, it's usually while I'm driving to or from some activity, so I think he feels like I'm just squeezing him into my busy schedule. So maybe Skype dates would also keep him from feeling like I don't have time to really hear what's up with him.

Oh, also, my husband and I try to make plans to make our lives better (look for activities to make new friends, exercise, try a new restaurant) and keep each other posted on how we're doing with those plans. 

I really like this idea. I'd love his encouragement to cook more for myself (he's an amazing cook, and I've had a hard time adjusting to him being gone - I gained five pounds right away!). Problem is, my tendency to suggest activities for him is part of the current mess - I am not great at the "sympathy, not solutions" thing. I so so deeply wish that he would even start to think in terms of "plans to make our lives better" but he's not there yet. But still, I bet I can do something along those lines.

[greyscale]

We had a really nice long conversation last night about things we used to talk about (books, movies, philosophy). I think calling when I wasn't driving somewhere really helped, and I tried not to say anything frustrated or impatient. It took a while to get conversation going but I managed to do it! It made me realize that his depression really does affect our relationship. I've really missed hearing his insights on the world, and our conversations these days are always just me trying to fill the silence that would be there if I didn't babble on about my life.

Greyscale: I can't believe I haven't seen any of the Oscar movies. Hey, you watched a few things on Netflix, right?
SO: Yes. (long pause)
G: Oh, what movies?
S: Um... (long pause)
G: Er, do you not remember, or you just don't want to talk about it?
S: I remember. (long pause)
G: And...
S: Enh, nothing exciting (long pause)
G: So... er...

and then he finally started talking about how one was similar to another movie he'd liked, but aimed too high at artistic significance and thus didn't quite work, and all the cool things I miss hearing from him. But I swear if he doesn't snap out of this monosyllable trend - giving the absolute minimum response to EVERY SINGLE attempt at conversation - I'm going to bribe his department secretary to put prozac in his coffee!

[spectacle]

He's multitasking, greyscale.  He's messing around online while talking to you on the phone, I guarantee it.

This is something Skype helps with a lot - both my husband and I are prone to doing other things while we're on the phone with each other, and while I'm fine if I'm folding laundry or putting away dishes, if I'm on the computer I'm not giving him my full attention and that's not fair.

It's harder to get away with multitasking on Skype because the other person can totally tell when you're looking at something else. 

[greyscale]

No, he's really not. I wish that were the explanation. He's just really really really depressed. (But the multitasking thing is true - which is why I'm going to call more often when I'm not commuting.)

At this point he's unlikely to even watch a movie on netflix because he's too depressed.