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[tasslehoff]

I am living 8 hours away from my children. Both of my children are teenagers and are in high school. They chose to stay and live with their dad, stepmom, and younger brothers (half-brothers). I felt grateful that they had the choice to stay and did not have to uproot their lives because of my new job. My daughter was devastated when I told her I had gotten a job and would have to move 8 hours away. We cried, a lot! We still cry...a lot.

We knew all along that when I finally graduated and got a TT position, I would have to move. I applied to all jobs that were within driving distance, and quite a few that weren't. But was only offered one. I had to take it or start waiting tables. This is by far the hardest thing I have EVER done. I am sure we will all adjust to this new life and they will be fine. I am glad that I am at least within a days drive of them. I am going to try to leave early one Friday a month and drive in for the weekend. I can see them all day on that Saturday and Sunday morning. If I leave after lunch Sunday, I can be home by 9 that night. Will make for a long weekend, but if other people ride trains for 36 hours, I can drive 16 once a month. And they will come for Thanksgiving, Christmas, Spring Break, and summer. So it will work out. We have a workable plan. Its just so hard adjusting. I miss them so very very much!

My life is so empty without them driving me crazy...at least work is keeping me insanely busy.

[profpecas]

tasslehoff - it must be so hard to be separated from your kids!!  I'm guessing, given that they are high school students, that they are even more technologically savvy than many of us, so they might have fun keeping in more frequent contact with you throughout the day via texts, IMing, etc. I just signed up for a texting plan so I can send my husband messages throughout the day where ever I am, and I love hearing my phone chime when I get one from him.  Good luck!!

[ghoti]

I agree with profpecas, tasslehoff, that your kids will show you unique ways of communicating. Skipe is one way that many on here have suggested as viable because loved-ones can see each other while they talk. I feel for you as you make this major adjustment to being so far away from your kids while also beginning a new position. Reading others' stories on here makes me feel like I am living a cakewalk.

[tasslehoff]

thanks profpecas and ghoti.

My daughter is a professional texter. She sends between 16000 and 24000 texts a month! And yes those are accurate numbers. Thank god I have unlimited text msgs. So we have been texting everyday and talking on the phone too. My son, who isn't too big into texting has even been texting me daily. So that means he really misses me too. There are ways to keep in touch but its not the same. Its better than nothing, but not as good as sitting on the couch next to them or giving them a hug. I get emotional just thinking about it. I am hoping it gets easier with time.

[srednivashtar]

A question for people living away from spouses, partners, children, etc:  Has anyone else experienced extreme anxiety problems during this process?  If so, how do you control them so that you can remain positive?

I'm really eager to start this job, but at the same time I'm feeling like an emotional mess over having to live apart from my spouse.  A few years ago, I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, which put a name on a problem I've had since childhood.  As my move approaches, I find myself having horrific, obsessive thoughts of something awful happening to one of us while we're apart.  Even when I'm not actively scaring myself, I'm experiencing a constant level of jitters.  I'm on anti-anxiety and anti-depressant medications, and have cut way down on caffeine, but all of this has barely making a dent in the physical symptoms.

Any suggestions?  Help!

[molli_sols]

Srednivashtar- Yes, my anxiety levels shot up higher than they had been in over ten years when I moved to TTville away from my spouse.  I haven't really made a friend here that I can be totally open with about what goes on in my head.  One of my lifelong symptoms has been insomnia and it was only this bad once before, the first time I lived in a dorm with an assigned roommate.   

One thing that really does help me is having a regular pattern of communication with my best supporters.  I talk on the phone twice during the week with my husband and we usually email 4-5 times a day plus we text like crazy.  My husband keeps me updated on his travel schedule and texts me when his planes land etc.  Also, I talk with my mother and sister each twice a week.  It helps because I can be open with them about my issues and they understand how I tick (and have similar problems themselves). It took us a few months to get the communication stuff worked out but planning ahead when you'll call and how often might help with the fears that something will happen when you're not there.  At the very least, for me it shortens the timespan that I am nailbiting over. 

[molli_sols]

What's up physically-separated-but-together-in-heart group?

The latest frustration for my family is that Andi_sols has begun mentioning in almost every conversation that he could quit his job and move here.  I then have to remind him that he has to sell his house before he quits his job and his house needs work if he's going to break even on what he owes. It's driving me nuts.  Who quits a good job in this economy?  What if I got hit by a bus and left my family with no income.  What would become of our daughter...etc.  etc... 

[trailingspice]

Boy do I wish I had known about these forums much earlier on as it would have changed the conversation 10 years ago completely re grad school and hopefully avoided ending up where we (yes I have a mouse in my pocket) are today.
My name says it all with the additional caveat of I am NOT in academia (i.e. I am an x-ray tech).
I have read through this thread and a few others and am not certain if I am preaching to the choir here but academics and academics in training have a really raw deal and the mental and emotional gymnastics required to justify the abuse they take is so ridiculously unbearable that I really wonder why anyone does it.
I can only type for myself (no more mouse in my pocket) when I admit that “we” did it because of the allure to me (neither parent went to college) of it being a “ladder up” the socio-economic pyramid.  Boy was I stupid – not only have you got the multitudes below try to knock you off the ladder (they are younger and quicker and more easily mislead) but you have your predecessors doing their damndest to kick the ladder completely off the parapet from above (Read Fish's The Last Professor).
And that’s your reward IF you even get on the ladder.  If you don’t, you are fed lies to fuel your “enthusiasm” and then become an itinerant “professor marvel” criss-crossing the country in search of the one adjunct position that will magically turn into a TT.  Once you cross 40 you are left bitter and dejected and yet you keep at it simply because you by now have so much invested in your losing hand.
I’ll write bluntly: I hate our life and what it has become even while I love my spouse and our kids.  I think that I am past denial and well into anger but also readily admit I don’t know what the heck to do as the options seems to be “suck it up” or “give up”.
Thank you for this thread as I have picked up some pointers from other’s experience.  I turned here from google precisely because we’ve talked about this exact issue – and, for myself, I have come to the conclusion that it is either a “running to” or a “running away from” something option.  Right now I only have “running away” from reasons – not family but the bitterness of unrealistic expectations.

[rlm523]

Hello,

My husband and I are likely to embark on a 1 1/2 year period of living apart starting in January.  Separation is nothing new to us as he is in the military and has been deployed numerous times.  However, this will be the first time we are separated when I have a "real" job, i.e., full time and less flexibility than I have become accustomed to.  My question to those of you who have lived apart from your spouse is what if anything have you told your employer about your living situation?  Have you found it difficult to keep your time away from work "sacred" so that you can occasionally see your spouse? Anyone out there have a spouse in the military and have to deal with your life not fully being your own?

Thanks!

[chartreaux]

My SO and I did the LDR for 2 years when we first met (2 hr flight, I was an undergrad), then were together for 3.5 (during my Ph.D), then apart for the last year (West vs. East coast, during my postdoc), and now back together after he lost his job.

Pros:
- Work productivity can go up as there's only an empty apartment waiting for you when you go home
- You can focus on yourself and spend some time developing hobbies and indulging in interests your SO might not like (like watching chick flicks, HA)
- When you see each other, you can really spend some good, quality time together and not waste it on stupid things like who's turn it is to do the dishes

Cons:
- No social life whatsoever, at least for me. I didn't want to go out with singles and risk temptation. I also didn't want to go out with couples and be a 3rd wheel.
- Too many milestones spent apart. My SO wasn't there at my Ph.D. defense or my birthday. He barely made it to our wedding (BTW, planning a wedding when in a LDR is not fun and I wouldn't recommend it)
- Way too easy to develop depression or "single guy/gal syndrome". I watched all 5 seasons of LOST in 3 weeks, back to back.

Even though we were forced back together because he lost his job and needed to mooch off me, I do believe that this last round of LDR made me realize that I can't do it again and when we apply for jobs in the next cycle, I think I will be willing to settle for a crappier job if that means I can live under the same roof as my husband. I don't know if any job, TT, prestige, salary, etc. is worth being apart from the person who makes you whole.

Plus this is the last season of LOST so I won't have anything to watch.
 

[post_functional]

I don't usually post here but the situation for which this thread was designed does apply to me.  I'm feeling very depressed and lonely.  At least when you're apart from older children they understand what you're doing.  I'm temporarily away from my wife and two-year-old son which will the be case for a few months.  I thought it would at least afford time to work on neglected projects that I would enjoy, but the teaching duties have sapped me of all my energy.

I also thought I would get some exercise at last but I just want to sleep most of the time that I'm not working on class prep.

I'm doing this not because it's a question of whether or not it's worth being apart from the ones you love, but simply because having a job that can lead to better things down the road is in their long-term best interest.

[molli_sols]

Hey post_functional, hang in there.  Yes, some days it is really tough.  Wanting to sleep all the time instead of doing other activities is a sign of depression and being apart from those you love is enough to get anyone down.  I get the lonely-blues a lot during the week when I'm not with my spouse (my kid is with me so that helps a little).  One thing we do is talk on the phone while doing household chores.  So we'll both be folding laundry and chatting, just in different houses.  2 is a little young to talk on the phone, but if you use the speaker phone option your son can hear you when you talk to your wife.  We do this often by setting the phone on the dinner table and eating together.   It helps the lonely time pass faster. 

[researchrn68]

I've been living apart from my significant other for 5 months now, only 1 more to go. The roller coaster feels as rough now as it did in the beginning.  Its great to hear of others, that have gone through similar experiences and have taken the tough weeks along with the good.  I felt like I may have loosing my mind for a while there. 

My husband and I are a 2 day plane ride apart.  He is in the States, and I'm in Kenya, working with a nonprofit.  I love my work and can't imagine doing anything else. However, my husband has to stay Stateside and look after my elderly in-laws, who are wonderful people and really need his guidance and support.

It brings so much comfort to know that in a short time I'll be back in the comforts of home with my husband.  But at the same time it pains me to know I'm leaving so much behind.  The decisions you have to make in life are never easy. I just hope sometime we can both come back to Kenya together and continue the work here. 

The very best to all of you riding the roller coaster of living apart. 

[post_functional]

It's Friday night, my crazy grad students gave a concert, they're all going out to get drunk, and I'm alone and I really miss my sweetie!

molli: thanks for your thoughts.  A quick update: I started up a strict exercise regimen and I feel much better than I did when I posted above. 

[spectacle]

I'm posting here to get the updates - my husband will be moving halfway across the country for a VAP in August.  I'm anxious about it, but we're heading in very much aware of the difficulties.  I'm going to gradually read through this thread for suggestions and ideas. 

Project Number One: invest in two good webcams and learn how to use Skype.