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[ghoti]

I thought that I would report back in now that my husband and my current transformation is almost complete. We are just finishing flip-flopping our living situations but will still not be living together during the academic year.

I have just finished up my second year as a VAP, have accepted a TT position in VAPville, and this winter we decided that VAPville would become home. It is amazing to me now that one cold January night plus Craigslist resulted in our subsequent purchase and move to an old 1850 home near my college. We moved me into the house on April 1st, and, right after his finals but during my finals week, my husband moved us out of the state where we have family and into our new old home.  All I can say now is, “Wow!” And, “I wouldn’t recommend moving during a semester if you can at all help it.”

We have since had a glorious month together before my husband had to return to the state where we have family to teach his summer classes, which, thankfully, ended last week. His living arrangements have been bumpy this summer, but fortunately he found a really good set-up near his university for the academic year, where I can also visit with our dogs. We will move him in beginning in mid August.

Those of you who have been reading this thread may also remember I have an 81 year-old mother with dementia who fell last fall and broke her hip. We have been working on her all winter to move with us into our new old house. We have plenty of space and bought the house partly because it has a first floor room with its own bath, as well as a little self-contained apartment out back. My mom has gone back and forth about moving in with us, but when push came to shove, she refused to move. However, earlier this summer, my mother did initiate contact with an assisted-living community located near to my oldest brother. In-between all of the steps she has taken on her own to make a much needed move, she has balked every other day as her moving date loomed at the end of July. For the last three weeks, I have been spending the week with her (the phone doesn’t work to reorient her), and we just got her moved into a beautiful assisted living facility that agreed to take her little dog, too. So far, both mom and dog are happy.

Phew! Classes here start in two weeks, hubby and I are no closer to living together during the academic year, but we are optimistic about what is possible on that front in the future.

[profpecas]

I've been a lurker on the Chronicle for a long time, and this is the first time I've felt really compelled to post something.  I'm so happy to see this thread, as this year will be the first (of many? gulp) that my SO and I will have to live apart.  I have a TT job and SO has a great VAP hundreds of miles away.  We're not happy about being apart, but we're optimistic that this opportunity will allow us to eventually settle down somewhere where we can both be happily employed and live together and only have to face manageable commutes to work.  We'll see each other pretty frequently - the longest we'll have to go without seeing each other is a little over 2 weeks - so we certainly don't have it as bad as some others.

It's been a relief to read so many comments about how others have dealt successfully with the distance.  And I'm definitely going to use some of the advice given here.

One thing I'd like to know from the rest of you is how you deal with friends and colleagues who say, "I could NEVER live apart from my SO".  Even when it is meant well, it makes my hackles rise.

[molli_sols]

Welcome Profpecas.  You are not alone.  For some it does get easier in time. 

I'm starting my second year of living separate from my spouse.  Fortunately, we usually spend weekends together.  This year we'll have regular three day weekends because Andi_sols browbeat his supervisor into allowing him to telework 1 day a week.  The kiddo has gotten much more comfortable with the idea of Daddy being away too and our homes have stabilized so that I'm not always needing something that's at the other house. 

One of the things that helped me when people make comments last fall that I knew weren't meant to be hurtful was to point out some of the rewards like not dealing with the little annoyances that married people suffer all the time.  I don't have to share the remote, I can read with the light on as late as I want, I can eat those childhood dishes my spouse dislikes whenever I want, I never have to wait for the shower in the morning etc. etc.  Or, for those frenemies that think there must be something wrong in my marriage, now I have Fabio the Fabulous house cleaner to watch weekly, wink, wink.  (I enjoy do setting the gossip tongues a wagging.)

[stanwyck]

I'm about three weeks away from the end of a 12-month separation (story is upthread, but I'm in South Asia on a research fellowship, partner is in the U.S.; before this, I commuted back and forth between our institutions for three years).  I'll say that the last three months have been incredibly, horribly hard, and I often feel sorry for myself.  But recently I've befriended a woman I think of as "The Lonely Reader," a Reader at the local college where I go to run in the evenings.  She is living away from her husband and children, and commutes to see them every two weeks.  It is 36 hour round-trip train ride, and she gets to spend less than 24 hours at home before she has turn around and come back. 

She was telling me about this during our second meeting, and I was saying the Hindi equivalant of "Holy Crap!" the entire time she was talking.  How does she manage?  That seems impossible to survive.  But then she said, "Well, then I look out and I see you, and realize, okay, other people have to live away from their family, too." So, she is drawing strength from seeing me, and I am drawing strength seeing her (36 hours on the train? That's crazy!).  We're kind of in it together.  Now I feel bad that I will be abandoning her in just three weeks.

[profpecas]

One of the things that helped me when people make comments last fall that I knew weren't meant to be hurtful was to point out some of the rewards like not dealing with the little annoyances that married people suffer all the time.  I don't have to share the remote, I can read with the light on as late as I want, I can eat those childhood dishes my spouse dislikes whenever I want, I never have to wait for the shower in the morning etc. etc.  Or, for those frenemies that think there must be something wrong in my marriage, now I have Fabio the Fabulous house cleaner to watch weekly, wink, wink.  (I enjoy do setting the gossip tongues a wagging.)

Thanks, molli_sols!  Your idea is a great - not only for deflecting anxiety-inducing concern from others, but also it will help me to feel better about this if I remember that were things I liked about living alone that I'll get to enjoy again. 

@ stanwyck - maybe you can recommend this thread to "the Lonely Reader"!

[englitprof]

One of the things that helped me when people make comments last fall that I knew weren't meant to be hurtful was to point out some of the rewards like not dealing with the little annoyances that married people suffer all the time.  I don't have to share the remote, I can read with the light on as late as I want, I can eat those childhood dishes my spouse dislikes whenever I want, I never have to wait for the shower in the morning etc. etc.  Or, for those frenemies that think there must be something wrong in my marriage, now I have Fabio the Fabulous house cleaner to watch weekly, wink, wink.  (I enjoy do setting the gossip tongues a wagging.)

Thanks, molli_sols!  Your idea is a great - not only for deflecting anxiety-inducing concern from others, but also it will help me to feel better about this if I remember that were things I liked about living alone that I'll get to enjoy again. 

@ stanwyck - maybe you can recommend this thread to "the Lonely Reader"!

The thing my husband and I always stress is that, on the upside, we're able to get a lot more done scholarship-wise, and we're so busy that we almost don't have time to miss each other.

[profpecas]

One of the things that helped me when people make comments last fall that I knew weren't meant to be hurtful was to point out some of the rewards like not dealing with the little annoyances that married people suffer all the time.  I don't have to share the remote, I can read with the light on as late as I want, I can eat those childhood dishes my spouse dislikes whenever I want, I never have to wait for the shower in the morning etc. etc.  Or, for those frenemies that think there must be something wrong in my marriage, now I have Fabio the Fabulous house cleaner to watch weekly, wink, wink.  (I enjoy do setting the gossip tongues a wagging.)

Thanks, molli_sols!  Your idea is a great - not only for deflecting anxiety-inducing concern from others, but also it will help me to feel better about this if I remember that were things I liked about living alone that I'll get to enjoy again. 

@ stanwyck - maybe you can recommend this thread to "the Lonely Reader"!

The thing my husband and I always stress is that, on the upside, we're able to get a lot more done scholarship-wise, and we're so busy that we almost don't have time to miss each other.

Oh, I'm supposed to work harder?  I don't get to use this as an excuse to work less as I wallow in misery?  Darn.

[srednivashtar]

I'm so glad to have found this thread. 

Starting this fall, my spouse of 20+ years and I will be living in different cities for a minimum of a year, and possibly for longer.  The spouse is in the perfect mentorship situation right now, and I just got an offer of a postdoc from a research group that I've hoped to join for years.  I've been out of work for several months since my funding ran out, and although we've been able to swing it financially, my boredom with joblessness is an increasing strain on both of us.  Also, the new job and my spouse's current job would position each of us perfectly for the next move -- there are, at this time, no substitutes.

We'll only be a few hours apart by car, and both have permission from our employers to telecommute some of the time, but in practice it won't always be that easy for either of us to get away.  We don't have kids, but being older, we do have the additional complication of concerns about aging parents.

We're both really happy about my getting this job.  But I have to admit that I'm going to be eating antacids for a while....

[thespouse]

Good luck to everyone dealing with their separations. Last time I saw DH was on Aug 3, when I helped him move into his apartment on opposite coast. In the meantime, I've gotten house put on the market (first showing tomorrow I hope?!?). I will be traveling to see DH this weekend, and have an interview with a company in the new area on Monday! I'm crossing my fingers that I'll get a position and be able to move to join DH much sooner than originally anticipated.

Several stresses still exist (need to sell house, how much will we lose on house, DH showing up to an immediate 9% paycut that was voted in over the summer, etc), but I'm feeling optimistic for the first time in awhile.

[ghoti]

I second thespouse's best wishes for everyone as we begin the academic year. How did the house showing go, thespouse? Good luck with the interview. Welcome srednivashtar, and congrats on your new position. Eat antacids if you need to. Your aging parents concerns are reason enough, let alone the separation issues as well. Haha, profpecas, working harder is a by-product of living apart, it seems. I have tried wallowing, and I just end up eating more antacids!

Husband and I travel to home state tomorrow to drop him off for his first week of classes. Our older dog is throwing up as I write. She always feels change coming on. My first week is in, and I am happy with my schedule and students so far. I definitely got the easier end of our current transformation, but my husband is open-minded, loves his job, and likes to drive.

[profpecas]

I'm nearing the end of my first week apart from my spouse, and it hasn't been nearly as bad as we expected.  I might change my mind after the beginning-of-the-semester craziness subsides, but for now, we're both busy and excited about our jobs and that helps tremendously.  We've done as suggested on this thread, and we spend much of our evenings on the phone together, both of us using our hands-free devices as we prepare dinner "together" and putter around our houses.  I don't feel as separated from him as I expected, and I'm so relieved!

I hope everyone else is doing well!

[thespouse]

Ghoti - sorry to hear your dog is feeling the stress. Our dog also went through a few weeks of vomiting/having accidents during the day when DH first moved to the new location. Fortunately, she seems to be calming down.

Profpecas - glad the hands-free on-the-phone thing is working for you. Unfortunately for DH and I, neither of us are really phone people! We chat briefly most days, but most of the calls are 5 min or less.

Fortunately, I just got an offer from a company in the new state!! So it's looking like our separation will be ~2.5 months total - which means we're already halfway done. This has been small potatoes compared to the 6 months we spent on opposite coasts back in 2005.

Now if only our house in old state would sell, my stress level could finally plummet.

Good luck to everyone.

[jestire]

So glad to find this thread! It is helpful knowing I'm not the only one going through these things. My fiance and I are on separate continents (I'm in NY and he's in Germany) and have been for almost 3 years.  We haven't known anything different because this is how it has been since the beginning. I'm trying to finish up my degree and money is tight so we only get to see each other every 3-4 months. Lately the stress of trying to get through the dissertation and uncertainties about where we will live have really taken a toll. I'm glad to know there are others out there who are surviving this type of situation.  Thanks for sharing your stories!

[fayefaye]

Ed and I went on vacation last week and mapped out our schedule for the rest of the semester. It's looking to be a very busy and potentially very productive semester. That's the upside of things. I'm still getting used to living alone again. Before Ed and I married I lived alone for years and loved it. Now I'm having a little trouble adjusting back to it. Especially in combination with moving to a new city where I don't really know anyone. Though I will say things have been more active since the semester started and I'm started to get plugged in.

[ghoti]

Congrats on the job, thespouse! Now hopefully the house will sell. I am sending positive vibes!

My husband and I aren't phone-talkers either, but we do accomplish several quickies a day around "I love you" both morning and night and the more mundane check-ups to be sure we are carrying out our responsibilities and not forgetting anything or duplicating anything.

Fayefaye, I had never lived alone before this gig. Our 26th wedding anniversary is during my fall break this year, but for our 25th last year we had to do with a telephone call. Living alone was a very difficult to adjustment for me at first, but now I really like a lot about living alone part-time. Mind you, we prioritize being together on the weekends and are able to do so most every weekend. Now that we bought our new old house, I will not have to do most of the traveling, and I am very psyched that I am the one who is grounded at home again. I had a small apartment here before, and I always felt like I was living out of a suitcase.

Jestire, I feel for you as you are beginning a relationship from different continents, as well as handling the stress of finishing a dissertation as well. Wow. I thought it was stressful finishing our two dissertations together, but your situation sounds hard, and I hope that you do have support nearby. Come back often if we can help in this virtual way.

Take care all!