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[dr_zack]

Is there a thread (I haven't seen one) for academics who are living apart from their wife, husband, significant other, or partner?  If not, I'd love to start one, and if there is I'd love to join in - I'm about to move 2300 miles away - and am riding the emotional roller-coaster along with my partner of 10 years; one day I want to call it all off, and the next I'm super excited to get going (I am really looking forward to teaching and I love my new colleagues so far).  While he and I will see one another regularly (1-2 weeks a month in general), it's still a BIG adjustment.  THANKS!

[betty_p]

I'm going this weekend to look at 1-bedroom apartments to live in without my husband and daughter.

I'll be commuting back on weekends (+/- only 100 miles, though).

I'm already exhausted just thinking about it. And I already miss my daughter, although she's driving me nuts this week with no camp in sight until the beginning of August.

So yes, we can commiserate.

[dr_zack]

Hey Betty - GREAT!  I'm glad I don't have kids - it's been hard enough getting ready to leave the dog (seriously) and my partner.  At least you can be home in like 2 hours - I need to fly, and it takes almost 5!  My partner and I are going to try it for a year and see how it goes.

[wee_scunner]

Yes! I'm about to go off for a year (1500 miles) with only a few chances for reuniting in person (costs...).  I need to do the work, its a great opportunity, blah, blah, blah. I just really don't want to leave the SO for that long. We agree its smart, beneficial professionally and all of those things, its just overwhelming to contemplate right now.

A thread with mutual support for short and long separations would be welcome. Very welcome.

[betty_p]

That's our plan too. Give it a year; see how it goes. When do you move, Dr. Zack? Cap'n?

[gourmetless]

Hey, everyone.  I want to chime in.

My gentleman and I are 350 miles apart and have been for a year.  One more year to go on my contract and then hopefully we can live in the same place again.  He agrees to move once I get a tt job.

We visit every three weeks, either he drives up, or I down, or we meet halfway for a long weekend.  We talk nightly for a few hours, both wandering around our respectives homes with headsets, going about our business.  We have date night, and watch a movie on weekends.  Tomorrow is our 7th anniversary, and we are doing sparkling wine on the phone line.

It's hard, but it can be done.  Good Luck!

[notaprof]

I am surviving a long distance relationship and have been for the last two and one half years with probably one more year to go - fingers crossed that it won't be longer.  My husband is back in his hometown and near my family (parents & sibs).  I am near 2/3s of our almost fully launched from the nest offspring so that helps out for both of us that we have some support.  I am more sociable and have a better network of friends so I think it is easier on me than on my hubby. We have been married a very long time so it is probably easier than it might be for some but we see each other only about every four to six months due to the cost.  Lots of email, lots of phone calls - it is not ideal but it is survivable. 

It will be nice to have a thread of our own.  I lurk on the Lonely Hearts thread but the regulars there are in a different situation.

[rubygirl]

Hey folks.  I have never experienced this situation, but I feel so much sympathy for you--I think you are all very courageous to take this on.  Good luck, and take care of yourselves!

[dr_zack]

WOW!  This is great - to read other's stories and have support!  

I move this Saturday!  

Things have gone REALLY smoothly as far as prep goes, so it's low stress in that regard.  It's just that, even though we both have talked a lot about this moment -- and both agreed to give it a try and that it's a good opportunity for me, it'll still be hard (it gets harder every day that's closer to when I go).  He's not an academic, though is considering retiring (from the tech industry) soon and trying something new - he's just not sure what.  And, though we're both game to move, the housing market sucks right now (so selling is not so good), and he isn't ready to retire just yet (he will be in a few years at 55), and I'm waiting to see if I can handle the weather in my new city.  

So, it's just been an emotional roller-coaster this week...I'm totally excited on one hand, and scared crapless on the other.  *WINK*

He's coming with me for a week (joining me after I have a little visit with family), and then we'll not see each other for a month, but will see one another every 2-3 weeks after that (either he'll come to me and telecommute or I'll come to him and do the same).  We have plans to talk by phone and e-mail and video-conference, too.

I know I'll calm down once I'm on the plane on Saturday...

[enggrad]

Dr. Zach, best of luck for your move.  The first night is the hardest.

     My SO and I are about 2 hrs. apart by car right now.  It will be this way for at least 6 more months (we think).  The income was just too good for one of us to give up a job opportunity when we have school loans etc. to deal with.  Since we have a kid, we are taking turns spending the weekend at each home to be sure the Englet gets plenty of contact with both of us.  But, we can't afford (and don't want) two sets of furniture, so our decorating leaves much to be desired. 
     
       The first night in the new house by myself was weird but since SO traveled a fair amount for work already, I've gotten over being alone.  One strategy for anyone who is apart with kids, is to keep the same dinner schedule.  We put the speaker phone in the middle of the table a few times a week and have dinner "together" with my SO, or various friends and relatives.  I grew up with a parents who worked opposite shifts, so I'm confident that there's a big difference between a absentee parent and one who just has an asymmetric schedule. 

      It sucks sometimes, but not so bad that I wouldn't choose to do it again. 

[kilpikonna]

I'll bite!

I got a one-year fellowship offer with good pay and a chance to explore a new field... in a very expensive part of the country, with no partner benefits.  So my spouse is staying at his good job in our grad-school town and we'll visit each other every 2-3 weeks (at least, as long as the airline industry doesn't collapse in the meantime ;) ).

So far the most painful thing is moving out of our first home and knowing we're not moving into a new one that's "ours."  I get bone-achingly sad when I think about that, so I just try not to think about it.  We already have a lavish vacation planned for when I'm done with the fellowship.  Should be a nice second honeymoon!

Tonight we sat down and planned out visit weekends.  We'll be taking a nice roadtrip to move me out there, so that's something to look forward to.  And another weekend when I'm coming back here, one of our favorite bands is playing, and we already have tickets. :)

[dr_zack]

WOW!  It really is helpful sharing - I knew that other people were in the same boat, but not quite this many (though I suppose I shouldn't be surprised - this kind of thing is a typical sacrifice for academics).  It really sounds do-able, especially with some planning and communication, so that is reassuring for sure!

[anthroid]

My SO and I live about 90 minutes away from each other and have done from the start of the relationship (which is approaching the ripe old age of 3 years).  It's very, very doable and sometimes actually it's a relief to have my own space!  I don't know what would happen if I got another job outside of the region, though.  We'll have to cross that bridge when we come to it.  For a long time I would cry as I was driving home from his house; it's still hard to leave in the middle of the day for some reason (it's not hard at all when we're both going to work on a Monday morning). 

We see each other every weekend and, very occasionally, during the week if I can swing it (I'm doing less of that given the price of gas).  We talk every night on the phone as well.  I think the hardest part about this kind of relationship, though, is that you miss so much of what goes on every day.  The little things that you might share as an offhand remark seem pretty irrelevant, and that can be a bit lonely-making at times. 

[zharkov]

I don't live apart, but let me just suggest Skype for those of you who do.  (It is an internet based phone set up and the basic Skype is free.)

[englitprof]

I certainly don't want to derail this thread, as I am very much affected by these issues as well, and will chime in later.  But there is a child board of job-seeking experiences called "The Two-Body Problem" where issues of this sort (among more clearly job-search issues specific to couples) have been discussed.  Do we want the mods to move this thread there, or keep it independent?