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[crowie]

Good stuff, chicagolake, and I only hope there is no back-sliding between now and the end of the seminar.

[jacaranda_]

This is very heartening to hear.  I think you handled the situation in a way that was humane to all parties concerned and, more importantly, effective.   And yes, you should say something to the female colleague who was the target of this behavior.   Thanks for letting us know how it turned out.

[chigagolake]

You are welcome. It was really bothering me to watch someone be hassled every single time for no good reason...and to the point where I felt really tense going to this seminar I have wanted to be at for a very long time.

I am not the kind of person to confront someone like that but I am glad I did. It did help doing it with others so he could see it isn't just one person, or make it into a competitive thing where he thinks I also like the woman.

If anyone else has to do something like this, we just said, "hey X, we are going to get a coffee...come with us" and then in the coffee line I just said "you know X, you are really out of line with the stuff you say to Z" and waited for his reponse. Since he didn't deny it it was easy for the other two to give examples of why his behavior was offensive to her AND us.

I hope he keeps it up. I heard that two other people (uninvolved in any of it thus far and probably don't know he was talked to, though I am sure they are aware of his actions) invited him out to dinner last night to talk about a possible research project. I am hoping that he may see that more people are willing to do things with him if he can behave.

[ideagirl]

Just wanted to let you all know what happened. A few of us (two males, one female...not the woman who is being harassed) took the guy out for coffee and told him that his behavior was really messing up this experience for all of us.

Yaaay! Nice mitzvah there.

My vote is for telling her what you did. I can't think of any reason not to, so why not?

[mended_drum]

You did the right thing.  It's far more effective when a whole group object to this kind of behavior; it can't then be dismissed as one person "with no sense of humor"--or whatever other stupid excuse the cad comes up with.  I had to step in once when a faculty member at a competition was sexually harassing my female students.  He kept making sexual remarks in the middle competition and even put a twenty on the table and said he would "pay" for the girls to come on to another undergraduate.  The students were unable to confront the man, and the other witnesses just cringed, so I asked him to cut it out.  He didn't, so I complained to the organizers.  They witnessed the behavior and made him leave.  But he complained the whole time that "that's the way I am!" and "you PC people are ruining everything!"

A little support from my fellow coaches would have made everything easier and taught my students a more effective lesson.  They learned that I would support them, but not that such behavior is objectionable to most decent people. 

[verbena]

Just wanted to let you all know what happened. A few of us (two males, one female...not the woman who is being harassed) took the guy out for coffee and told him that his behavior was really messing up this experience for all of us.

Yaaay! Nice mitzvah there.

My vote is for telling her what you did. I can't think of any reason not to, so why not?

Bravo, Chicagolake! I commend you. I agree you could let her know, just casually.

[doctor_torrseal]

Great work.

It's good to have more than one person weigh in.

If I were the harassed party (any kind of harassment - sexual harassment, bullying, being aggressive to students, etc) I would appreciate it if someone told me "We told X to knock it off."  Because otherwise you're left wondering, is everyone else just thinking this is acceptable behavior, or not caring, or too timid to speak up.  Making speaking-up expected behavior rather than the exception is a step up towards a more humane workplace.

[grasshopper]

I'm really happy to hear that you did something - and that you framed it as being a problem that isn't just between him and the woman being harassed.

The great thing about interventions like this is that people remember them. Not just the person who is behaving offensively, but everyone. And that makes it easier for people to intervene in the future.

Just a few days ago, I was walking down the street, and a young couple were arguing. The argument was escalating, and the woman seemed to be trying to evade the guy - they were dancing around a car. So I stopped the woman, and asked her - very clearly, and in front of her boyfriend - if she needed help. "Yeah, yeah, she needs help!" The guy made a bit of a fuss, but once he couldn't physically intimidate her anymore, he left.

I don't think the important thing was that the situation itself was diffused, because I live in a pretty watchful community. If he'd started to hit her, someone would have intervened. The important thing is that the woman will remember it. And maybe if she sees someone else going through a similar situation, she will remember how easy it was for me to just say "Do you need help?"

I learned how easy it was by watching a friend of mine do it when someone was being abusive to a coffee shop clerk, years and years ago. This friend, quite matter of factly, told the customer where to stick it - that the clerk could get fired for telling him off, but that didn't give him the right to make such comments. I was impressed by her strength and I wanted to be more like her.

Community is a very powerful tool, but we have to exercise it, you know?

[spork]

My previous suggestion stands: direct communication.  Sometimes I think the discourse on sexual harassment and all of its legal niceties has made us forget the effectiveness and importance of a simple conversation (or email).  And not to get too snarky, but if this woman isn't willing to take such a simple step (which would keep it private), then maybe this whole situation isn't really bothering her that much.  I'm not saying that she's being deliberately manipulative or that she enjoys this treatment.  But look at how much concern and attention she's getting from the rest of you by choosing not to really stand up for herself.  To be clear:  my sympathies are entirely with her, but there are other actions she can take to make the behavior stop.   

Yes.  Or someone can pay me to buy a ticket, fly to the seminar, and hit the guy between the eyes with a hammer.

[epistephiliac]

My previous suggestion stands: direct communication.  Sometimes I think the discourse on sexual harassment and all of its legal niceties has made us forget the effectiveness and importance of a simple conversation (or email).  And not to get too snarky, but if this woman isn't willing to take such a simple step (which would keep it private), then maybe this whole situation isn't really bothering her that much.  I'm not saying that she's being deliberately manipulative or that she enjoys this treatment.  But look at how much concern and attention she's getting from the rest of you by choosing not to really stand up for herself.  To be clear:  my sympathies are entirely with her, but there are other actions she can take to make the behavior stop.   

Yes.  Or someone can pay me to buy a ticket, fly to the seminar, and hit the guy between the eyes with a hammer.

I think we need a Hall of Irony to go with the Hall of Fame.

[chigagolake]

Hi there...more notes to the story. This has been the most exciting seminar of my career and not for the subject matter.

We told the woman being harassed what we did at a good time when she gave us an opening yesterday ("why isn't X bugging me anymore...did you notice that?")

She tried to buy us a round at dinner last night when she found out what we did but we turned it down. Want to keep the good karma going.

PS The most senior person in our seminar besides the instructor (and not one of us that talked to the harasser already) told the harasser that he would call chair of the harasser's department regarding some bad comments he made to a female graduate student (not in our seminar but organizes some of the seminar activities).

Apparently, the harasser has been bothering her this whole time as well even though we didn't see it going on. Only some of us have a reason to see her for access to the lab or resource room. The senior person walked in on him saying to her that it is good they were "alone" in the resource room and that she was hot. She told senior prof that this jerk says stuff to her all the time.

How senior prof missed the everything else going on with the female professor is beyond me, but I am thinking the harasser is going to get in some kind of trouble. Senior prof told all of us about it, so I am betting he will follow through.

[larryc]

Good work, Chicagolake.

[new_bus_prof]

In other words, the guys a jerk with most women that he finds attractive...nice to know something was done and will be done about the other instances as well.

[bacardiandlime]

Good stuff, OP, I'm glad you spoke up about it.

I think your story demonstrates two points about this kind of creep:

1. They know exactly what they're doing, and typically are NOT a 'first offender' or someone who 'didn't realise'.

2. They count on fair-minded bystanders giving them the benefit of the doubt, chalking things up to cultural differences/misunderstandings/social awkwardness.

I'm sure this guy pulls the same stuff with the female grads at his institution. It's up to people who have nothing to lose by speaking out to step in. Glad you did. I hope others follow your example.