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[science_expat]

Require your department chairs to do SWOT analyses.

[csguy]

Require your department chairs to do SWOT analyses.

We would consider our biggest threat to be the administration.

SWOT -- for those who are acronym shy -- stands for Strenghs, Weaknesses, Opportunities and Threats.

[born2late]

Insist that students and faculty use uni. email for all official communications, but neglect to check your own email.

[luvstowrite]

When a dean or provost returns to the faculty after several years, put that person in the least desirable office space available. Make sure that the office has poor ventilation, bad lighting, a leaky ceiling, and (if possible) a pest control problem. When the former administrator complains bitterly about his/her office space, remind that person about the department's long-standing deferred maintenance problem that you raised in a meeting several years earlier.

But I thought this was standard practice (or at least it should be).

[onion]

When a dean or provost returns to the faculty after several years, put that person in the least desirable office space available. Make sure that the office has poor ventilation, bad lighting, a leaky ceiling, and (if possible) a pest control problem. When the former administrator complains bitterly about his/her office space, remind that person about the department's long-standing deferred maintenance problem that you raised in a meeting several years earlier.

But I thought this was standard practice (or at least it should be).

In my experience, when the Dean/Provost/President returns to the department, they go through the entire building and pick out the most desirable office.  The dislodged professor then goes through the building and picks his new office, on down the line, until the most junior person ends up losing their private office and gets moved into the adjuncts' office.  And then said Dean/Provost/President treats the dislodged junior like they are an adjunct--i.e. ignoring them, or asking them to make copies for them.

Good times.

[sibyl]

In my experience a president doesn't retire to the faculty until he or she has built a new building into which the new office can be placed.

Deans include their returns while they are doing facilities planning.  [So in fall 2010 the computing center is moving out of its cramped 2000-square-foot facility into a modern 5000-square-foot facility; that old space would double the size of the writing center, so they'll move in there in winter 2011, and I'll move into the old writing center space (with the nice view) in fall 2011.]

[science_expat]

...so they'll move in there in winter 2011, and I'll move into the old writing center space (with the nice view) in fall 2011.]

Interesting timing ;~)

[sanjo]

Make sure that you become the default person who handles ethics violations complaints in academic affairs.  Set up a website confirming your strong commitment to standards of honesty and integrity, and the university's seriousness about handling ethics violations.

When a naive young faculty member is relieved to learn that there is a system in place to report ethics violations, and writes to you confidentially, don't just attempt to silence and intimidate the person making the complaint - that would be too simple. Spice up your response by turning around and forwarding the "confidential" complaint email to the person being accused, prefaced with "How do you want me to handle this?".  With a bit of editing, pass this person's subsequent response off as your own.  Depending on your mood and the extent to which you want to baffle the young faculty member, leave intact stylistic markers in the email which seem unique to the accused's writing style.

Don't teach any classes, while you build up your reputation as the most unethical, if not immoral, person on campus.  Then, one fine day, insist that you will teach a class called "Contemporary Moral Problems".  Among other things, sneak unattributed writings into your course reader, so that neither the author nor the original source of the articles can be identified, yet lecture your students at length about the evils of plagiarism.     

[11301218]

Never give an order that looks like one.  Avoid words like "require", "shall", etc.
Follow corporate culture and "urge", "suggest", "recommend".  Faculty are
independent-minded to begin with and will assume that they retain discretion
and freedom of action.  When they do not comply (since it was never obvious to
them that the suggestions were orders), you can nail them for disobedience.

If you are in a climate that has blizzards and ice storms, do not cancel classes
until 10 a.m.  The joke is on the faculty and staff who had 4-wheel drive
vehicles to get to school and on the students (usually car-poolers driving
50 miles each way) who drove on ice and snow in the dark.

[mended_drum]

Never cancel classes for ice and snow at all because you'd rather faculty and staff risk their necks trying to get to class than allow snowflakes to use the bad judgment to try to drive off campus when classes are canceled.  That way, some departments can set up a "macho" culture where faculty are always expected to hold classes, no matter what anyone else does, while, on the other side of campus, snowflakes whine and berate untenured faculty who foolishly presume that if classes are being held, everyone is holding classes (because it's safe to drive).  Said faculty will be stunned by the hostile students and unprepared to be the only ones on campus.

Oh, and don't both shoveling sidewalks or steps on campus either.

[11301218]

Some more --

Primarily for presidents and provosts --

Always talk about maintaining academic standards, but exert pressure for
departments and faculty to waive prerequisites, placement scores, etc.
Then, hold the faculty and departments accountable for high D, F, and
withdrawal rates.  If possible, convene a campus wide
committee to endorse lower standards and enshrine them in policy.
This usually puts the science and math departments
in a nice double bind situation.  Let them figure our how to get their
students into graduate school or professional school.

Always talk big about how you can deal with state senators and
representatives, but get hysterical whenever a complaint pours
in from a helicopter parent.  It is
obvious that something must be wrong since students never
misrepresent themselves to their parents.  Usually, the parent
under FERPA rules has no status to complain nor can anything
be disclosed to them.

Never say "NO" to a big donor who wants the university to do
something they want, even if they are not putting up any money
on the project this time.  It's only money, and it is not theirs.

[11301218]

For department chairs --

Decline to do the hard work to document needs for increased
faculty lines and new or expanded facilities while the dean sees
the need and is continually pleading for more resources. 
Implementing a priority registration system is a distraction.
Generating and documenting waiting lists takes time and effort.
Undercut the dean's efforts by showing that somehow you are
continuing to get by despite being saturated for the past four
years.  Who else is going to do the chair's job?  Every other
faculty member in the department would even be worse at the job.
Besides, this is the dean's job -- that is why they get the big bucks.

For provosts and presidents --

Avoid any temptation to think of thinking of the university
as a system with interconnected parts.  Have ambitious
goals to increase enrollment quickly by 25% without an
increase in faculty, classrooms, and labs.  The faculty are
not working hard enough.  We have unused capacity at 3 a.m.
on Sunday.

[10027]

1. When an adjunct reports a cheating graduate student as per department rules, email the adjunct saying you will take care of it, then "forget" to forward the supporting documents to the ethics committee that is investigating the complaint.
 

[fwicgrad]

I am fairly certain that "11301218" is from my university.  She or he has described our provost/ president's general policies with uncanny accuracy.