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[ufo_tofu]

I am just rolling - these are absolutely hilarious.

Me too!  A good thread just gets better!

[scheherazade]

Hey Science,

As you know, I lost the pool.  I think it's really unfair, because you didn't tell us how sternly you warned off people ahead of time.  And you talked about how grade-grubbing they were, leading us to believe the number would be bigger.  If you were fair and honest, I would have guessed the right number.  I really need the pool winnings to pay for med school.  Please reconsider your position on this so I don't have to go to your boss.

Scher

Scher,

Apparently you did not read the OP, just as my students do not read the syllabus.  I clearly stated that I explicitly warned the students not to contact me regarding their grades.  I think you need to learn to read first before contemplating applying to medical school.  In fact, I hear reading comprehension is a requirement.  Good luck with the moderators, I have heard they are more of a hard @$$ than I am.

Sincerely,
Professor Sciprofmw ;-)

That is totally unfair!  I can't be expected to read everything, and it wasn't in my lecture notes, so you must not have said it!  I know you went back and changed it so you wouldn't get into trouble!!!!  I'm going directly to the dean with this, because it's totally not right that you can just ruin my life!  And my dad, whos a lawyer, will come too!  I'm going to wreck your RMP ratings, too!  Teachers like you get fired!!!!

Scher

[poiuy]

deer sriprf: you didn't get back to me with my grade for this assignment i submitted it by the deadlkiune.  i now i turned it in becauswe i went to your office and you were not there so i pushed it under the door.  i think its not fair that you only accepted it on line because everybodys computer dont work so well.  since yo uhave lost my assignment i think its not fair and i need hte grade to graduate with my A record and get into law school.  please correct my grade  immediately i now i entered the correct answer of 8.  thank you, i will do *anythign* if you correct your mistake and accept my answer.  if we can take care of this between us i hope my parents do nt need to talk to your boss.  - precious poiuy

[take_heart]

Dear Sciprofmw,

Hey I just wanted to write you a quick note to let you know of the circumstances regarding my email guess.  My roommate's great-aunt passed away last week, and I was trying to help her as she was grieving and had to get ready to go the funeral.  I also had to drive her to the airport and pick her back up.  I turned in my answer of 34 just to have it in on time, but given the circumstances, and now that I've had time to carefully consider my answer, I'd like to submit a final answer of 7.  I understand if I have to take a late penalty of half the amount.  But it is worth it for the sake of helping my roommate.  Please have some compassion for my good deeds and accept my answer.

Thanks,

take_heart

[sciprofmw]

Dear Sciprofmw,

I understand you were Svenc's teacher in the "desparate e-mail pool" thread.  I also understand that Svenc's vote of 8 was just one higher than the number you claim won.

I know that Svenc is an excellent judge of student character, and was at least as able as any of his threadmates when it comes to guessing numbers of grade-grubbing students.  I also strongly suspect that you received at least one other grade inquiry that, for whatever reason, you chose not to count -- meaning that the true count was indeed 8, as my son predicted. 

He very much deserves the virtual pot, and I will not hesitate to contact your bosses (including the University President and the Governor) if he does not receive it right away.  Please remember that as a taxpayer, I pay your salary. 

I look forward to your response,

Svenc's Mother

Dear Sevnc's Mother,

I am writing to inform you that your son has been found guilty of  plagiarism, and will be dismissed from Virtual Pool U.  Since your son's virtual entry was so similar to johnr's entry and in fact, johnr submitted his winning entry of 7 before sevenc's entry of 8, this provided him with not only motive in trying to win the virtual pool but also opportunity.  It is clear sevenc attempted to present his submission strategy of "going low" as his own idea however it was very apparent that this strategy was, in fact, johnr's original idea.   This is a clear violation of the virtual pool honor code. 

You will be receiving a formal letter from the Dean of Virtual Pools regarding this matter shortly.  I hope your son has learned his lesson.  Trying to cheat one's way to winning a virtual pool will lead to nothing but failure in the end.

Sincerely,
sciprofmw

[bookishone]

Dear Sciprofw,

We here in the Dean's Office recently received notice of your recent allegation of plagiarism against Sevnc. Perhaps you had overlooked Faculty Bulletin 10.56.3.1, distributed January 10, 2008, reminding faculty that our new contract with Blackboard requires that all student assignments (the virtual pool included) be submitted through Turnitin.com. Faculty who fail to do so implicitly accept all responsibility for plagiarized assignments.

Because this is your first offense, the disciplinary action will be limited to a Notice of Failure to Prevent Plagiarism, included in your Permanent Record for Tenure and Promotion. Your merit pay for this year will also be revoked. We recommend that you meet with Sevnc to mitigate the chances that this unfortunate episode has unduly traumatized this client, whose parents have deep pockets and a litigious record.

Please ensure that all future assignments you require are structured according to the guidelines set out by the Faculty Oversight Committee (see Appendix H of the Faculty Handbook), and enjoy the summer session.

Sincerely,
Dean Klinkbottom

[theatremom]

Yo, Professor Dude:

Uhm, I'm, like, enrolled in your Virtual Pool thing, but I've kinda been...you know...gone...for the last two weeks. See, my parents flew me out to Cancun for a late spring break and I had to stay an extra week cuz that's when the return ticket was dated. And I had to, like, do all my laundry from the trip after I go back, you know? Also, I had some papers and stuff due in other classes, so, like, I just found out about the whole pool-thing today.

So, uhm, my guess it attached, okay?

Snowflake-who's-brain-is-still-on-the-beach

[theatremom]

Oops, yeah. Like, I kinda forgot to attach my guess. LOL

7, okay?

[tenured_feminist]

Dear Dr. Sciprofmw,

How come I haven't heard from you about my result in the grade grubbing pool? I sent in the guess of 7 at axactly 12:10 PM on May 14.

You must of lost my guess. I am wondering what we can do to rictify this unfortunate situation. My roomate was here when I sent in the guess so there is a paper trial.

I unfortunately do not have the time stamped email because I wrote the guess on a virtual piece of paper and put it under your virtual office door. Maybe you can check around on your office floor, because I am sure it is there. Its' just because your office is so messy that you lost it.

I am looking forward to hearing from you soon. And I am writing to your department head to.

Thanx,

Your beloved student

[svenc]

Dear Sciprofw,

We here in the Dean's Office recently received notice of your recent allegation of plagiarism against Sevnc. Perhaps you had overlooked Faculty Bulletin 10.56.3.1, distributed January 10, 2008, reminding faculty that our new contract with Blackboard requires that all student assignments (the virtual pool included) be submitted through Turnitin.com. Faculty who fail to do so implicitly accept all responsibility for plagiarized assignments.

Because this is your first offense, the disciplinary action will be limited to a Notice of Failure to Prevent Plagiarism, included in your Permanent Record for Tenure and Promotion. Your merit pay for this year will also be revoked. We recommend that you meet with Sevnc to mitigate the chances that this unfortunate episode has unduly traumatized this client, whose parents have deep pockets and a litigious record.

Please ensure that all future assignments you require are structured according to the guidelines set out by the Faculty Oversight Committee (see Appendix H of the Faculty Handbook), and enjoy the summer session.

Sincerely,
Dean Klinkbottom

Dear Dr. Sciprofmw,

In your face!

By the way, my son would like to take your class next term.  Can you move the start time back an hour so that he can get a proper amount of sleep?

Sincerely,

Svenc's Mother

[dr_evil]

Dear Dr. Sciprofmw,

In your face!

By the way, my son would like to take your class next term.  Can you move the start time back an hour so that he can get a proper amount of sleep?

Sincerely,

Svenc's Mother

<quivers in fear of Svenc's Mother>