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dr_zack
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« on: May 01, 2008, 11:18:50 PM » |
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Greetings!
I'm thrilled to say that I just accepted my first tenure-track position! I love the program and my new colleagues seem totally great, and I like the city, etc. So, all around I'm pleased - after years of hard work I'll finally be able to teach and write and the program I'll be a part of should really let me shine. The salary is good, extras are good, it's all good! There is one problem though...
My partner of 10 years, who has supported me emotionally and financially through all of this (seven years) - even to the point of knowing it may mean that we must live apart - is more upset than I thought about the prospect of me moving (we're on the West coast and the job is on the East coast). Now, I don't know what to do. I mean, I know it's going to be difficult, but I also feel that we can make it work if we want to. I can come back to the West coast every summer (for 3 months) to research and write from here, and I'll have a month off around Christmas, and he can telecommute about 25% of the time, and can likely spend a week or so with me every month. He's 10 years older than I am, and while he's willing to leave our city, he's 5 years from retirement (he'll retire at 55), and has a VERY, VERY good job (making well over six-figures annually). BUT, he is kind of burned out too, and I think is questioning his ability to last 5 more years - so this stress is making things even harder. I wish he'd just move with me - but it's hard to give up that income and not know what else you might get! I know he's happy for me - and I am VERY MUCH looking forward to teaching and such, but now I'm thinking I should have hung on for a position closer to our current home; my relationship is VERY important to me. The thing is - there are few schools here, and even fewer of them have programs in my field. All the interviews I had were back East, except for one interview request which was for a school in our state, but about a 4 hour drive from where we live now. Maybe I should contact that search chair and see if he's still interested (I turned down the interview because I accepted the other position) - I haven't signed my contract yet, though it will arrive any day now.
Any advice? How do others make such situations work? Am I naive to think that it even can work?
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sociological
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« Reply #1 on: May 02, 2008, 02:01:10 AM » |
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My partner and I agreed to live apart, but only because it's for a set amount of time. Indeed, this is one of the only things that makes it bearable for us. What probably worries your partner is that there is no end in sight to the separation. If you are really serious about continuing the relationship, I think you have to give yourselves a deadline -- say two years. At the end of that time, one of you would have to move. Two years may be enough time for you to find a job near him -- having this TT position will probably make you much more competitive on the job market. On the other hand, he may also decide it's a good time for him to make a career change, or step it down a bit. So my advice is just to put a time limit on the separation.
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expatinuk
Has spent over 1000 pounds but now holds a Brit passport!
Distinguished Senior Member
Posts: 6,564
From SC living in UK
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« Reply #2 on: May 02, 2008, 02:11:42 AM » |
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There is a time line for this. You say he wants to retire in five years. So, your time line is five years.
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Expatinuk seems to be a Soviet Satellite in stationary orbit over the UK
It is what it is.
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dr_zack
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« Reply #3 on: May 02, 2008, 02:39:06 AM » |
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That's good advice ratih, and I did tell him that I don't see us living apart as a permanent thing - and, while I may end up loving the job and the place, I also may not, and could easily be ready to move on in two years. We also want to see if his current employer will allow him to work even more than 25% of the time remotely...
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dr_zack
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« Reply #4 on: May 04, 2008, 12:55:52 AM » |
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Oh, I know there must be more advice out there than this...
:-)
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pandora
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« Reply #5 on: May 04, 2008, 01:21:39 AM » |
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All of the most successful and happy relationships I've had have been long-distance. So here are the advantages:
1. When you're apart, you don't really have a choice except to focus pretty seriously on work. And that can be very satisfying.
2. When you get to see each other, the um. . . "intimacy" is incredibly hot.
3. Ok, I guess that's it.
Truly: long-distance is not so dreadful as it might seem. Especially if you know there's an end-point, and you can be together during the summers. That's my advice. In a nutshell. Congrats on the new job, and good luck.
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Sarcasm is wasted on the clueless[,] Pandora :)
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prytania3
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« Reply #6 on: May 04, 2008, 08:56:01 AM » |
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Maybe your partner can get early retirement and move with you. Is that possible? Then they could replace him with a young whippersnapper for half the pay.
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Clowns, I tell you. Clowns.
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dr_zack
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« Reply #7 on: May 04, 2008, 01:05:42 PM » |
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Thanks Prytania! My partner knows he can't get "early" retirement - I mean, he can't draw on his retirement until he's 55 -- and also wouldn't be contributing to it (nor would his employer) in the intervening years. Though we have a lot of equity in our home, we figure his leaving now, even if he he got a new job eventually (which we would want to do), would cost us $250,000 at least!
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dr_zack
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« Reply #8 on: May 04, 2008, 01:06:18 PM » |
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GREAT points, Pandora! *WINK*
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onestep
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« Reply #9 on: May 04, 2008, 01:28:56 PM » |
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Long distance relationships are hard, but still manageable. My partner and I did a 3-year long distance before we finally got together. Daily phone calls, trips, and unexpected gift boxes made things bearable.
One point to anticipate is that it may be harder for him than you. You will be busy adjusting to a new place and job, plus all the excitement that comes with it. This may attenuate your separation anxiety (although you might also be lonely in a new place too). For him, unfortunately, not much may be new except missing you. So, be prepared that you might have to give a lot more emotionally than you receive, at least for the short term.
You might also try things that you can do together while physically apart. Examples include a running story where you alternate passages, a joint blog and computer games.
And Pandora's points ... exactly!
Congrats on the new job!
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ideagirl
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« Reply #10 on: May 04, 2008, 03:36:13 PM » |
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Am I the only one who's puzzled about why her partner can't get a job on the east coast? He's not an academic, therefore he's at least somewhat mobile. Is there no such thing on the east coast as a job in his field? Sure he wouldn't be contributing to his current company's pension, but he'd be contributing to some other pension or 401k plan or whatever, and then he'd draw from both of them when he retired.
I'm just puzzled...
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onestep
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« Reply #11 on: May 04, 2008, 07:54:32 PM » |
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Am I the only one who's puzzled about why her partner can't get a job on the east coast? He's not an academic, therefore he's at least somewhat mobile. Is there no such thing on the east coast as a job in his field? Sure he wouldn't be contributing to his current company's pension, but he'd be contributing to some other pension or 401k plan or whatever, and then he'd draw from both of them when he retired.
I'm just puzzled...
In theory, sure, but finding a good job for one's partner can take a lot of time. My partner's not an academic and it took her a full year to find a job, then another 5 years to find one she actually liked. Might be even harder in the current economy, especially for jobs that pay six figures. |
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ideagirl
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« Reply #12 on: May 04, 2008, 08:26:30 PM » |
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In theory, sure, but finding a good job for one's partner can take a lot of time.
I hear ya, and I wasn't trying to make light of that--I just thought it was a little odd that that didn't even seem to be even remotely an option in their case. Particularly since he's got FIVE YEARS to go until retirement, it seemed odd to me that, as far as I could tell, they hadn't even considered that option. |
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dr_zack
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« Reply #13 on: May 05, 2008, 11:12:17 AM » |
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Onestep and Ideagirl --
We DID consider that option and still do. But, it gets complicated. First, my partner makes at least $145,000 a year and has been with his company for 20 years - they treat him very well (for example, though he has some stress, he only really works about 45 hours a week and gets 4 weeks of vacation and has GREAT benefits). Plus, he's 50, and his field is VERY specialized (and he's in the top 1% of it). What he THINKS he really wants to do is leave his field when he "retires" and teach high school math (he's got math and computer science degrees), but he also has worked really hard to be financially secure, and has a hard time with anything that even remotely seems to threaten that -- especially in this economy.
Really, I'm not whining and I know there is no easy solution - I was just curious as to how other people handled this kind of thing.
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gourmetless
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« Reply #14 on: May 05, 2008, 11:23:18 AM » |
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My partner and I live in different states. I am currently a VAP on a two year contract. He works for the government.
We have agreed that when I get a TT job, he will move. He is working on trying to get his agency to agree to telecommuting, and then he could keep his job and wee could live together. Until then, we do the best we can.
We visit for a few days a month (more if we can swing it), and talk on the phone nightly. It's not ideal, but it is the only choice right now.
No one really want to live separately. It isn't fun. Neither of us like it. I remember once someone on these boards wrote that it is very hard for both people in any relationship to be truly fulfilled in their careers, at the same time and in the same place. I think this is very true.
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