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[rubygirl]

Aww, Ms_Turtle, I'm really sorry to hear things are sucky right now!  But I do applaud you for taking comfort in TCM.  I love that channel with a passionate love.  Enjoy your popcorn-and-Technicolor, and take it one moment at a time.  You can do it! 

I'm sending a prayer your way.

[gourmetless]

Hope it gets better soon, Turtle.  Luckily, you have a little time before the semester starts in earnest.

Be well all.

[lenniel]

Oh, I am so sorry Ms Turtle, and I hope things get better!  I hope you can relax a bit and feel better soon - I'll send healing and calming vibes your way.

How is everyone doing so far?  I have the mid-summer doldrums but amd trying to keep positive.  Fall will be here soon enough, and I can really focus on my research once the summer job thing comes to an end.  Thankfully, it is not too hot here, so that is a big help.

Hope everyone is doing okay?

[ms_turtle]

Hi. I'm pretty sure this episode hasn't even started to peak. ...push through it, ride it out, whatever....

The only saving grace is that by this time tomorrow I, and the kiddos, should be 3 states away. Of course, after that it will still be another 9 hours before I reach my destination. I will be home with my parents and along the way will be visiting two of my best friends in the world.

[psychdiva]

Time to pull up the deck chairs, blankets, poodles, chocolate, and beverage of choice...

MsT, I send you waves of poodle-style comfort. Let us know how you're doing and whether the new therapist seems like a good fit for you.

[lenniel]

Hang in there, and we'll be sending lots of good vibes, chocolate and critter love your way!

[psychdiva]

Ms. Turtle, how are you?

[msparticularity]

Hi again to everyone. Ms_Turtle, I'm sorry to hear things are so rocky for you again right now, and hope the poodle and some chocolate - coupled with your escape - are doing you good. I also hope your new therapist works out well for you.

The Big Move brought on A Big Flare for me, although I think it has now peaked and I'm beginning to bounce back a little. Today, I got some work done on a conference proposal in the morning, but now I'm in the doldrums and feeling cranky. My particular poodle is napping here beside me, along with one of the cats - perhaps I just need to add a little dark chocolate to the mix?

[lenniel]

Hi MsP!  Glad you are doing okay, and I hope the move is mostly over?  I've been trying to be produtive today and have only accomplished organizing some things, a little reading, and grocery shopping.  Crankiness is coming soon, I suspect.  If only I could get the cats to be better research assistants.  So far, they feel my books are good for snoozing, but that's about it.  More chocolate is always recommended, I think.  Didn't they recently discover that chocolate has endorphins and is good for us? 

Take care all - msturtle, I hope you are doing better!

[ohcanada]

I just logged into the forums for the first time in quite awhile, and was really glad to find this thread.  I've been on medical leave for the past 6 months for issues relating to depression and post-traumatic stress disorder.

I'm very aware of how fortunate I am to be in a TT position with great health and long-term disability benefits.  (I had full salary for 3 months, and now am at about 70%.)  But it's also been an emotional roller-coaster of figuring out who to tell, who not to tell, how to tell them, how much to tell them, etc.  I ended up telling details to just a few colleagues who are also good friends.

Our HR has a special dept for medical leaves, so that you never have to disclose health related details to a department chair or other supervisors. The HR specialists communicate with the doctors and insurance companies -- but all they release to supervisors is the fact that the employee is on leave for medical reasons, and expected return dates, etc.

Part of me wishes I could just be open about it.  I wish this were not so stigmatized in our society.  But I've also witnessed senior faculty members mocking other colleagues (jr. faculty) who were on leave for mental health issues... and I've had department chairs tell me outright the reasons for other colleagues' leaves which should have been utterly confidential... and so I'm painfully aware that even if you say it's confidential, it won't necessarily be treated as such.  So my friends and I are sticking to the line of, "Thanks for being concerned.  I/she will be back next term, but I/she wants to keep the details private."

Anyway, two things:

- I wonder if there's a way of setting up a forum (or a sub-forum) specifically for those of us who are juggling academia and a chronic illness (physical, mental, otherwise...)?  Then we could talk about things & trade notes without being confined to this one (ever increasing) thread?

- Among the various things I've been trying (including therapy, medication, the usuals), the one thing that has been most helpful to me -- and that I haven't seen on this list -- is mindfulness training.  The book & CD set that I was introduced to first is called "The Mindfulness Way Through Depression." It has multiple authors, but one of them is Jon Kabat-Zinn, who I think pioneered mindfulness as treatment for depression/anxiety/etc in Boston.  It's really transformed the way I think about myself and the way I think about my depression and mental health issues --- and it has given me very concrete tools for reducing the negative effects that I usually suffer.

Those are my random thoughts for the moment. Thanks for starting the thread!

[prof_trampled]

Thanks so much for starting this thread back in April; great idea! ohcanada, I also like your idea about making this a permanent sub-forum; I'd certainly check in often to participate. To all of those who have posted recently -- including lenniel; msparticularity; Gourmetless; Psychdiva; tenured feminist; college grade; cyano; rubygirl; and any others I might have missed -- I wish each of you luck, light, and peace on your own journeys as you balance your conditions with academic work.

The benefits of a sub-forum such as the one that ohcanada suggests seem great to me, as I am dealing with the return of a chronic condition that is exacerbated by both the stress of my tenure-track job and the isolation of the uni town to which I moved to take said job. I have a history of dysthymia, with episodes of major depression occurring in my 20s. I took anti-depressants for years, but was finally able to taper off of the drugs very gradually in late 2006 and early 2007. Ironically (or not, depending on one's perspective) this was also the period that saw me file and defend my Ph.D. thesis and then move to an alien part of the country to begin my tenure-track job. Increasingly over the past year, I've found myself really struggling to become re-accustomed to my un-medicated emotions. Zoloft worked much less well for me during the last few years I was on it, but I now realize that it was still providing some benefits, as the depth of some of my negative feelings can really surprise me now. I am finding that this is especially true in the two weeks before my period.

Over the past several months, I have found myself slipping back into depression, and have also had some intense feelings of anxiety. Toss in family difficulties, major culture shock in the uni town where I live, and a workplace situation that is becoming increasingly toxic (trust me, this isn't a depressive's distorted perceptions talking: our department is currently undergoing external review because there have been so many complaints against our chair), and I find myself working harder and harder to stave off both depression and anxiety. And then there are the garden-variety tenure-tack challenges to face. ...

What makes things more difficult is that my uni's town is so small and so insular that, HIPAA laws or not, there are huge problems with patient confidentiality in the university hospitals, clinics, and private practices in town. When I first got here, female faculty advised me to drive to the city 80 minutes away to buy birth control pills, get fitted for a diaphragm, or handle delicate health issues. I gotta figure that, in this community, a history of depression is a "delicate health issue." To add insult to injury, there aren't that many psychiatric personnel around, even at the uni hospitals. Thus, options are limited.

I *really* want to avoid going back on meds if I can help it. Considered alongside the environment here in town, this has created a situation in which I am really trying to embrace alternatives. I have ordered a ton of cognitive therapy books from Amazon, and have investigated the possibility of a few telemedicine sessions with a counselor from the nearby city. But the struggles with my moods -- and the bummed out feeling that my old nemesis might be returning -- really has me hankering for settings in which I can speak with academics who are themselves dealing with such issues, even as they work.

So thanks for the thread, and for the sub-forum suggestion!

: ) prof_trampled

[prof_trampled]

Ms_Turtle, I forgot to add that I especially hope that you're okay! I hope that the travel went well for you and your kids, and that the anxiety and depression are on the wane. Hang in there.

: ) prof_turtle

[namazu]

I wonder if there's a way of setting up a forum (or a sub-forum) specifically for those of us who are juggling academia and a chronic illness (physical, mental, otherwise...)?  Then we could talk about things & trade notes without being confined to this one (ever increasing) thread?

You can try pitching this to the moderators over on the "Questions, Comments" board.  Possibly a request for a general "Academe and Health" board would go over better than one specifically for chronic illnesses; it could include not only chronic illnesses, but also some of the diet/exercise threads, sleep and energy/fatigue issues, and perhaps the recent-but-memorable "Can you die from a zit?" type threads.  Meanwhile, you can always start more specific topical threads in "Balancing Work and Life", since health is very much a part of life. 

(I feel compelled to mention, since someone else will surely point it out if I don't, that there are some forumites who dislike what they view as the increasing "Balkanization" of the forum.  You may get some grumbling on that count.  To me, it's really all the same, since I use the "show new posts" function almost exclusively to view posts, rather than going to specific boards.  But the moderators are the ones who create the new boards, and if enough people ask for it and chime in to support the idea, they may well oblige.)

[ohcanada]

Thanks, Namazu -- I didn't know how the new forums get created.  I'll go post an inquiry, and if others want to chime in that's great!

Prof_Trampled -- I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time. Being in such an insular community makes it even harder.  (I'm fortunate to be in a city, and in a large university -- so it's a bit easier to "hide").

In the past few years, I also started getting increased levels of depression during the two weeks before my period -- despite having been fairly stable on anti-depressant medication for a number of years.  With my doctor, I figured out that it was what they now call Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (different from PMS). The treatment for me was taking slightly higher doses of my antidepressants when I felt it coming on. 

I'll throw out one unsolicited thought to you as well. I understand that many people want to avoid medication (I was one of them for a long time). But, what we have is a type of illness that -- for some people -- only responds to medication. (I went through a lot of debating with doctors before I agreed to take anything years ago, and have finally adjusted to the fact that I will most likely be taking it for the rest of my life.)  There are a lot of new medications available -- so if you can find a discreet, competent psychiatrist, it might be worth considering.  (And I apologize if this is inappropriate -- I know that it's ultimately your decision, but wanted to share my experience.)

My first year on the TT was horrific for some of the reasons you mentioned (toxic department -- externally validated as such! -- and culture shock of a new country).  That kind of stuff just adds to whatever we're already dealing with and can force us into a place of psychological depletion pretty quickly.  So, I wish you well and do take care of yourself!

[threadkiller]

Hi All!  Hope everyone is doing ok.

I, actually, have been ok.  I started Clomid this summer and I was really terrified it would bring on a flare, since hormonal shifts can sometimes do that.  But so far so good.  Although, unfortunately, I am still not pregnant. :-(

One thing that has helped me in terms of relaxation, stress and mild depression has been our local pool.  I go there for a few hours every day and I think the combination of sun and mild exercise has helped me get back on track.  I am sleeping well, and, as I said, I haven't had a flare.  I have also been eating a ton of fresh fruit and vegetables.

My hope is that I will actually feel rested by the time the school year starts, so I have some energy in reserve for dealing with colleagues, students, etc.