next »

[hegemony]

I have to confess that once I got so sick at a conference that I went out and went to sleep in the back seat of my car.  (It was a long drive back to the hotel and I didn't think I could make it in my condition.)  It turns out my car was right on the path to one of the conference buildings, and who knows how many people saw me curled up in there.  Very embarrassing!  But possibly better than passing out in one of the conference sessions...

[lenniel]

Can you rest tomorrow, elsie?   I hope you are feeling better?  My mother has been ill for about 2 months fighting various health issues and I've been nagging her to not be heroic and rest when she needs to.  She's also a hard-working academic and has been ill for a long time, so if anyone needs ad hoc nagging  and reminders to take care of themselves, I'm a champ and happy to do so...:)

Hegemony, I'm sure no one noticed, and if they did, probably thought you were a student :)  Napping is alwasy the better part of valor, and when people find me snoozing in unexpected places, I have a series of comments tailored to the situation, from "officer, I'm not drunk" to "don't take the brown acid."  Usually people are good and making sure we are okay, and I am grateful I have been able to get to a quiet place quickly if I'm having a bad day.

[elsie]

I'm going back to bed in a few minutes. I need to do some laundry, but that's all I have to get done. I'm beginning to think I should be tested for asthma, as these flareups always seem to have bronchial symptoms.

[lenniel]

Do so - the test for asthma isn't bad and it might also be allergies plus stress.  I get wheezy from my allergies and then panic, then my lungs tighten, and it becomes a vicious circle.  I learned from one doctor that our bodies panic when we are having breathing problems, and that reaction makes it worse, which leads to asthma and other pulmonary things.  Learning this made me feel a little better, and when I get wheezy, I can control it better.

Have a good night and rest!  I need to head off as well and try to sleep.  End of semester is keeping me up and wasting too much time worrying about stuff I can't control.

Stay well!

[reener06]

I'm also a Type I diabetic, on an insulin pump. I control it well, and started walking an hour a day this year, and that helped. But when things get chaotic--2 conferences within 2 weeks, one of these was out of the country, for example--my control suffers. I always welcome May b/c I get a chance to straighten things out again.

I had problems this semester teaching and having low blood sugars. I'm very good at hiding the symptoms, and usually it hit in the last 15 minutes of class, but not pleasant for many reasons.

I do let students know I am diabetic, esp. when we talk about natural selection. It helps break the ice, and then they know I wear a pump--which also functions as my clock--and there are less weird looks. Students have come up to me to chat about diabetics they know, or to tell me they also have it.

My field is also very physically demanding--I'm heading to the field in a month--and being a woman with a chronic disease I feel like I have to prove twice as much that I can do the work. This gets frustrating.

And my last complaint--if the secretary asks me again how my sugar is, and then lectures me, I may scream. I remind myself all the time that she just cares about me, and is showing that. But still! Often it's on top of other people doing the same thing. Asking me what my blood sugar is is like asking you what your weight is. I wish non-diabetics understood that.

Thanks for letting me let off some steam, and thanks for this thread.

[gourmetless]

One of the things I find difficult is that many of my colleagues do not know of my illness.  I can only assume what they might think privately about my tiredness and various energy levels.  I try to be 'on' at work, but some days are better than others.  As a VAP, I don't feel comfortable sharing my medical history.

Even the people who do know that I have medical problems do not always get what that means.  Since I have one of those invisible issues, it can too often be perceived as uncaring or anti-social.  This bothers me immensely, but I do not know how to manage it differently.  It seems to be a losing battle.  Trying to educate others rarely seems to make much of a difference, since I look fine.

[lenniel]

Yes, I have noticed there is also a hierarchy of disease, ranked from acceptable to "it's all in your head".  My mother has diabetes and has, thankfully, avoided being on insulin, but gets lectured about her weight all the time.  It is insulting, as she eats like a bird, gets a little exercise each day and the meds she takes actually make her gain weight.  I nag her when she eats stuff she shouldn't, but she's also an adult.

My sense is that people who have never been sriously ill or have had to caretake someone ill or disabled have no idea what it means.  All they have are media depictions and thier own values, so no matter how ill you may be, if you look okay or keep it together well, they don't understand. 

I tend to rely on the general narcissism of most folks, though, and assume they really don't care about my health or even notice if I'm not feeling well.  This is pretty cynical, but very often the case.  I kind of like being ignored on this stuff, though.  It helps me feel more "normal" and I can avoid certain questions.  Some days, it is too obvious and had to hide.

I understand your frustration, gourmetless - sometimes you can't give too much information (I lost a job to illness once) but at the same time you need to explain some things.  Able and healthy people never need to think about such things.

I hope, elsie, you are feeling a little better?

[hegemony]

Yes, it's so hard to know how much to reveal.  I just wrote up my statement of accomplishments for the last year, and they look okay, but I really wanted to say, "The fact that I did these while sick most of the time is nothing short of a miracle, do you hear me?  Somehow I have the feeling this wouldn't have achieved the desired effect.  And when students come beefing to me about what they went through to get their papers in, I'm not very open to all their tales of woe.  So why should I expect my department to endure mine?

On the other hand, I know someone here who's hard of hearing, and won't tell anyone.  She's quite young, so you wouldn't suspect.  But suddenly I understood why she sometimes seems so spacey, sometimes doesn't answer the question you asked, and so forth.  She thinks that she's disgusing it sufficiently.  But I think it would actually be to her advantage to reveal it, as otherwise she just looks like a flake who won't answer you when you speak to her.  A relative let me in on the secret, or else I still wouldn't know.

[elsie]

I'm feeling better, though still very tired. I had a two-hour gen ed reform meeting this morning, and I was feeling very stiff and achy by the time it was over. I'm getting more and more of my brain back, however, which is good.

[kissa_mau]

When it comes down to it, chronic illness just sucks. I have a list of neurological issues (some higher up on that hierarchy of acceptance list that lenniel mentions than others), and I feel like what others have said: it is like climbing a mountain just to get a "normal" amount of work done. My house is messy (and I don't care), and I have no idea how I could possibly ever manage children.

I used to get depressed thinking of what I would have gotten done if I hadn't been so very ill. But I have gotten something valuable out of the experience: I have been forced to really think deeply about what matters and chop out all the rest. I think my balance of work and life is pretty good. Does that keep me from secretly hating people running by, clueless about what they have: effortless health? No. I want to throw rocks at those people.

I also used to vigorously hide my symptoms, but a super-giant-awful relapse last fall ended my hiding phase. I couldn't walk for a few weeks and it was in the middle of the semester. Oh, and the paramedics got to cart me out of my building in front of lots of people. It is a little easier not feeling like I am under a veil of secrecy, but I work with awesome people.

A health psychologist I used to see told me to think of life in terms of not being disabled, but rather everyone is temporarily-abled.

I like that we can be flexible with our schedules. I love being able to work on the sofa or in bed with my laptop. I have working pajamas: a set I wear to work in.

The big mountain for me right now is dealing with periods of being brain dead. I have tried my best to start everything far ahead of time so that I can work on what I can when I can think clearly about it. But sometimes, things pop up on a day when I can't remember my own phone number, and I still don't know how to completely deal with that.

[threadkiller]

I just wanted to send everyone warm wishes.  I have Crohn's Disease, which, thank god, has been in remission for about a year. 

The book referenced upthread is James Lang's Learning Sickness, about his experience teaching on the TT with Crohn's.  It is quite good.

[tenured_feminist]

I haven't been posting, but have been reading, largely because my issues are so trivial compared to what others face. But you all really are inspirational, and I'm going to get ahold of the Lang book!

One thing I am learning from this thread is that maybe it is OK to give in now and then and cut back on an off day rather than just ignoring it and pushing through relentlessly. And I definitely cannot afford the denial I've been practicing, particularly when traveling.

[lenniel]

This is true, TF, and one I have been forgetting myself, lately.  I have a bunch of tests coming up soon, nothing invasive, but I should be reasonably healthy for them and yet I am treating my body as if I am 20.  Poor thing is definitely unhappy with me.  Fortunately, I made plans to go home a day early to rest up and pretend to be well before hand so I still might pull it off! 

The hardest thing I have had to learn is to accept my own limits and not think of them as weaknesses.  If I can't climb the damn stairs, take the elevator and go from there.  I have a lot of little arguments with my ego every day on these issues, sometimes sensibility wins, sometimes not.

Stay well everyone - this thread has been very helpful for me this week in particular.  I appreciate everyone's insight and experience here.

[msparticularity]

Yeah, I'm swinging between trying for appropriate self-care and just slogging along as if I'm 20 (or 30), too. The addition of traveling for campus visits this semester, along with some extra travel for work, pushed me over the edge and into a major flare for the first time in a couple of years. When it's a minor flare, I can just slow down and take things a little easier for a few days, and then I'm pretty much fine. This time, I keep taking it easier for a few days, feeling a little better, and then trying to return to an almost-normal level of activity - and NO GO! I've been running through this cycle for about three months now, and I seem to be trapped. The fact that I have to get a grip and prepare to move across the country in (gulp) a little over 60 days is definitely upping my concern, too.

[cyano]

I have a rare type of colitis that is probably related to celiac disease. It flared up with the stress of the first year on the tenure track, but I'm fortunate to have supportive colleagues. On bad days, I did group activities instead of lecture so that I could leave class quickly if needed.