next »

[lenniel]

Hi all!

Welcome back to ohcanada and greetings, prof_trampled!  Thank you, namazu for advice on a sub-forum - I had no idea how such a thing is done and think it is a great idea.  It might also put some of the weirder health threads in a new place, so we can debate serious issues from health in academe to prickly heat.  (I was afraid of the zit thread, though did read to make sure sadgoat was okay.  Yech.)

One aspect of chronic illness that is overlooked is mental health, and those of us who struggle with depression, anxiety, etc.  Having a physical illness can bring these on, and when one is in a stressful job filled with gossipy people, it makes matters worse.  I like the idea of having a place to discuss such things and solutions everyone has found for coping.  I've found some great advice here, to be sure.  Also, I have found that thinking about someone else's problem and trying to help find a solution makes mine seem less.

How are things going today, all?  I must hie off to my summer job...

Hope everyone is okay, and taking good care!
L

[gourmetless]

Hello everyone.  Here is to hoping everyone is feeling well and managing the heat. 

Things here on CHE seem to be leaning towards permanent sub-topics, though this thread works well enough IMO.  I agree with Lenniel, that it is nice to be able to read about the issues of others and to not feel so alone.

I realized this AM how nice it is to dwaddle in the mornings before I get ready for work.  It is something I cannot do once the semester starts.  So far, this is one of the few things that makes the summer positive.

My rheumatologist recently upped my depression meds on my request.  Between the inactivity of the summer, missing the SO who lives 6 hours away, being in a job I like in a town I really don't, dealing with everyday activities by myself, the heat, a third-floor apartment, as well the physical stuff... well, I think it was too much.  I was getting work done and taking care of myself as well I could, eating well, exercising, but was feeling really out of sorts, and bursting into tears for no real reason.

Bottom line: I am starting to feel better *emotionally* after a week. 

If I could only get rid of the aches!  LOL... I took a class on Aqua Pilates last week and was ins erious pain for two days afterward.  Who knew? 

Everyone, take your meds, take a deep breath, and see some beauty and happiness in the world.

[prof_trampled]

I've just realized that I goofed and signed my last post "prof_turtle" instead of "prof_trampled". Ms_Turtle, I know that this must be small comfort to you right now, but please know that this newbie thinks that you're so cool that she's already trying to steal your identity! My inadvertent theft of your moniker aside, I do hope that you are feeling better, and that the trip has gone well for you and your children.

ohcanada, threadkiller, namazu, lenniel, and gourmetless, I really enjoyed reading your recent posts! Per namazu's post, I'm really reluctant to suggest (further) balkanizing this community -- especially as a newcomer! And yet, as lenniel observed, I really relish the idea of having a safe space to discuss health issues -- especially mental health issues -- with other academics who 'get it.' Thus, I think that it would be cool if we could keep something like this going, even if it is just a thread.

The one caveat that I would have about a permanent thread instead of a sub-forum is that, as the thread grows longer and its archival roots move further and further away from the 'current' posts, the thread itself will seem at once insular and difficult for a new person to navigate.

For some CHE threads -- e.g. the great "Lonely Hearts" and manuscript support threads -- it isn't at all unreasonable to expect new folks who want to post to spend a hour or two catching up on many, many screens of archived posts, and then pluck up the courage to jump on in at the current section. However, it might not be cool to require the same pre-posting effort of folks whose reasons for wanting to post to the thread might include chronic pain or depression or anxiety or any number of other ailments that can make it hard to concentrate and easy to feel discouraged. At present, the "Chronic Illness and Academia" thread isn't that old, so it is really easy for folks to scroll through it. But after a few more months of sustained posting, it might have grown to a size that seems a bit daunting to a newcomer -- especially someone who is feeling craptacular at the time of their visit.

Just a thought!

And speaking of thoughts, ohcanada, I was grateful to you for sharing your thoughts about meds with me. I'm not quite there yet, but please know that I didn't feel that you were being at all intrusive, or that you were giving "unsolicited advice." I am always grateful to receive advice from 'fellow travelers', and I appreciated yours!

Best wishes and healthful energy to all,
prof_trampled

[compneurodoc]

I'm not a super active forumite but I wish I saw this thread sooner. I have had chronic pain for years now, started in the middle of my PhD. Some days I have mobility problems too. I feel like it's hard for me to bring it up and be taken seriously about it, because I can be so energetic and enthusiastic at times. I have also been quite productive in research - although I know I am not nearly as productive as I could be due to my health problems, on the outside I managed to remain competitive in my field. I still have flares (last night when I could not sleep one moment because of intense pain) but am overall able to function but I have no idea whether one day I could have a terrible relapse to the way things were a few years ago and what happens to my job then? As a grad student it was one thing, but what happens if you're totally disabled on the TT (which I am about to start but I don't know my university's disability procedures, in a way I've been reluctant to find out since I don't want to think about it..)

Sorry I'm rambling - I just felt so lonely about this, it's rare that I get to speak about this...

[lenniel]

Hi all!

Welcome to all of you who have joined in, and prof_trampled, I think your thoughts on the management of a prospective thread like this dedicated to health and disability are great.  It is hard to keep up the "thread", as it were, but I think following the dialogue model of the PA or similar thread may be good. I like to read the PA thread because there are such nice people and great suggestions there, and have felt very welcome when I needed to tap into that support.

Gourmetless, glad you are feeling better, though I hope the aches diminish soon.  Does the weather impact that?  It's been humid all over; can't feel good on the joints.

Glad you can join in, compneurodoc, and feel free to ramble if need be.  I certainly am excellent at that, and there is a lot of collective wisdom here.  The difficult thing about chronic illness that the more able-bodied don't always realize is that it is often accompanied with disability, whether visible or not.  Navigating that, or having to make things up for colleagues is tough, plus the guilt if one is having a bad day, feeling like a slacker, etc.  I do find that just getting it out there makes me feel so much better, and since I am not very talky in "real life" I get a lot of comfort making myself type the words - they are real and permanent! - and read what other people have to say.  Helps every time.

Hope everyone is doing okay today!

[ohcanada]

I could use some advice from anyone who has been on long-term medical leave while pre-tenure.  (Or, for that matter, anyone who *hasn't* but has experienced how such things work from the perspective of a chair or dean...)

I've been on leave for depression/PTSD and when I return I will probably have been away for a year. I know that my tenure clock has stopped while I'm on leave, and it will be turned back on when I return.  But, I'm concerned about whether that will be enough.

It makes sense that if I'm off for a year, the clock would be delayed for an equal amount of time. Except, I feel like I'll be coming back at such a disadvantage.  It's one thing to be away for a couple of weeks or a month -- but to be gone for a year, I feel like I'm going to be spending a lot of time just reorienting myself to my research.  I (irrationally) feel like I've forgotten everything I ever knew about my field.

So -- my questions.  Has anyone been in this position? How did you handle it? And, have you had success at negotiating a longer delay on the tenure clock in order to get back up to speed?

Thanks for your thoughts...

[ms_turtle]

I've just realized that I goofed and signed my last post "prof_turtle" instead of "prof_trampled". Ms_Turtle, I know that this must be small comfort to you right now, but please know that this newbie thinks that you're so cool that she's already trying to steal your identity! My inadvertent theft of your moniker aside, I do hope that you are feeling better, and that the trip has gone well for you and your children.

Thanks. You're not alone. Everyone but me thinks I'm cool. I'm so boring and quiet, I'm the type of person the neighbors start talking about if something unusual happens.

I'm back (just a few hours ago). Long trip, long visits, and long, hard hugs from people who thought they might not ever see me again. I was telling my grad school buddy, who does understand, about the latest stuff and the really bad moments. We were out taking a walk and listening to the frogs calling and started talking about when I prophylatically flushed a bottle of pills down the toilet. Background info: I was going through a med change and could tell I was unstable so I protected myself. But as soon as I did it I started kicking myself because of all the environmental problems (e.g., endocrine disruption) that are caused when meds go into the water supply. She laughed again, "I'm sorry, but only you would think something like that in that type of situation."

Lots, lots to process.

During one stop on the trip north I did have one "experience" that was a clear sign that I needed a break. The kids and I stopped for lunch at a McDs. We had literally entered the den of stupidity. The clerk didn't seem to notice that I was standing in front of her nor did she hear anything I said. Anyhoo, we got our food and sat down. The place was decorated a little weird and had a life-size cutout of an alligator as the back seat in a booth. There was this cute little grandma that sat down to eat her cheeseburger right near this alligator's mouth. In a 'secret life of walter middy' moment I envisioned this alligator coming to life and snarfing up grandma with her lavendar pantsuit and pearls. He was chomping away and pearls were bouncing on the floor, and when it was over he became a cutout again. I doubt the clerk would have noticed.

More later.

[lenniel]

Glad you are back, ms-turtle, and though I do not go to McD's, that scenario sounds exactly like the kind of thing I would amuse my self with...:)

Hope you are doing better and can have a chance to take some down time as well? 

Hope everyone is doing okay!

[ms_turtle]

It's just been a strange day. I'm still recovering from the trip that wasn't very restful, and I have my 2nd visit with the new therapist tomorrow.

The trip wasn't restful because the day before I left, I called my mom and asked her if she wanted the house painted. Just a spur-of-the-moment idea. It was two huge rooms, took most of the week, and turned out great. Siblings were irritating and this usually isn't the case. We had a party for my mom's 80th birthday. Dad will be 87 in September. I just want to do nice things for them because ...

"You are the coolest person I know." I get this a lot in RL and find it even more bizarre online. Introduce me to this person. Please. Friends, family members, and former students will go on and on about x, y, and z. I mean the world to SO and my kids but I mean nothing to myself. I feel I have no value which I know is irrational, but there is a great disconnect between my rational mind and emotional being. I'm not even sure what value would mean to myself.

'When you have depression, each day is an act of courage.' I simply don't get this. Each day I just feel lazy and incapable of moving to a new state of being. ... How does one separate responsibilities to others and responsibilities on one's self? ... I'm not looking forward to fall semester. ... Should I just start writing that textbook? I've been mulling the idea for a while, talking to some people, etc.

...sigh... I'm wound so tight I could barely move this evening and my hip hurts. Some yoga (mostly just stretching) helped. I haven't slept well the past few days, but I'm going to give it another shot after Corner Gas ends. That show just tickles me.

[rubygirl]

Hi all.  I've been doing pretty well and so have been focusing elsewhere on the fora (and my internet was unavailable for a while), but I just recommended this thread to someone and was like, OMG--haven't been there in AGES!

Oh, so many people to love on.  First of all, <hugs> to every single one of you, lurker or not.  I am praying for all who read this, right now, and sending out happy thoughts.

Ms_Turtle, I have nothing very wise to say right now, except that I've been there, and I'm listening.  You are among friends.  "Each day is an act of courage"--because you're still here!  You're interacting (at whatever level) with your SO and kids, and whoever else.  That takes *strength*.  And guts.  And you've got strength and guts.  Those of us who have dealt with depression *know* how hard it can be just to get out of bed.  The definition of "courage" changes depending on the situation. 

Just keep going, and try to treat yourself as well as you treat your family.  You are part of your family, you know.

Why not start writing that book?  The worst that can happen is that you quit for a while.  So what? 

To all of you who deal with PMDD:  I feel you.  You said the magic words: "Two weeks before my period".  Seriously and for real.  Ugh.

Two thoughts on that:
1.  Get your thyroid checked if you haven't.  If yours needs regulated, it can help that a lot.
2.  Lexapro works for me (treats both depression and anxiety).  I had to increase my original dose to deal with that PMDD, but it's been good and smooth for over six months and I feel great.  I'm starting the school year without major panic for the first time in years. (I hope it continues!)

I realize that the two above thoughts may be irrelevant to your situation, but I wanted to throw them out there in case they were helpful to anyone.  If I can save someone a few months of drama, I'm happy to do it.

Love to all!

[lenniel]

Hi all!

Hope everyone is doing okay today?  Good to hear from you, ms_turtle, and I second everything rubygirl says.  The disconnet between how we feel and what people see is always hard, and baffling when we feel so very bad, how can people NOT see?  It sounds like you have had hardly and down time, mentally, and now have to get ready for the semester.  I hope you get a chance to decompress more and get to a better place.

I have been meaning to check with my doctor about the nuclear PMS, and I appreciate the tips, rubygirl!  I used to take Prozac for it and it helped, but I stopped some years ago.  Now on the days when I feel like attaching a machine gun to my car for the commute, I realize I should probably reassess. 

How is everyone doing?  Keeping relatively pain free?  I've been feeling pretty good, except for a lot of fatigue and sleep problems here and there, but that is fairly normal for me.  I need more exercise, though that will fall into place more once my summer job comes to an end.  The job is very very stressful, and it used to be my full-time job.  I have no idea how I did it for so long, and if I had stayed, I would have been such a wreck by now.  Working there this summer has shown me I made the right choice in leaving and returning to school!  One more week....

Have a good day, all, and take care!

[gourmetless]

Hey all us 'whiners'!  *note sarcasm here* I hope everyone who reads this is in good spirits and taking it easy.

Yep, lenniel, extremes in temperature bother me.  Right now, it is not bad, as the humidity fell finally and we have cooler temps.  I spent the last week traveling to see SO, and spend some time in the archive.  Long days, between commuting and sitting for hours transcribing.  Luckily, I had my gentleman to spend time with, so it made the work a little easier.  I took yesterday off and am today back to work.

Just spent the past half hour managing all the different prescriptions.  I am too young to have so many!!  Luckily, my insurance plan covers a mail-order service which does three months worth of maintenance drugs.  It really is a cost savings.

I am worried about gearing up for the semester, energy-wise.  It seems as if I am wearing out faster and faster these days.  Though the water aerobics and the gym work helps with the achiness and the general well-being, perhaps I am overdoing it a little, and my body is struggling to fill the energy tank.

Treat yourselves nicely, kindly, and with great love and respect.  You deserve it.

[ms_turtle]

Ms_Turtle, I have nothing very wise to say right now, except that I've been there, and I'm listening.  You are among friends.  "Each day is an act of courage"--because you're still here!  You're interacting (at whatever level) with your SO and kids, and whoever else.  That takes *strength*.  And guts.  And you've got strength and guts.  Those of us who have dealt with depression *know* how hard it can be just to get out of bed.  The definition of "courage" changes depending on the situation. 

Two thoughts on that:
1.  Get your thyroid checked if you haven't.  If yours needs regulated, it can help that a lot.
2.  Lexapro works for me (treats both depression and anxiety).  I had to increase my original dose to deal with that PMDD, but it's been good and smooth for over six months and I feel great.  I'm starting the school year without major panic for the first time in years. (I hope it continues!)
Love to all!

Thyroid - excellent.
Fasting glucose - excellent.
HDL:LDL ratio - 0.7 (super excellent).
Total cholesterol - excellent.
Blood work-up minutia - excellent.
Kidney function - excellent.
Brain MRI (possible aneurysm, migraines) - excellent.
Mammogram & female stuff - excellent.
Sleep apnea - managed well.

... sigh... On another note, despite my fluffiness and family history of diabetes, I was really surprised by my glucose, HDL, and LDL numbers. This is something that I can only attribute to a lifetime of Cheerios being one of my favorite foods.

Regarding panic before a new semester starts, one time I decided to start ripping wallpaper out of a bathroom around 7pm the night before classes were to start.

I do take Xanax situationally for panic and anxiety. I'm one of the people for which regular medication doesn't work. This is one of the major problems with depressive personality disorder (and episodic depression on top of that). I am still on one daily med, but would like to be off of it. I have tried 2-3 drugs in every major class (SSRIs, tri-cyclics, MAOIs) and several augmentation drugs in various combinations. I accept that drugs will never be a major solution, perhaps a 5-7% improvement at best. If they don't work, I neither want to spend the money or put my body through the physiological stress.

Hi all!
Hope everyone is doing okay today?  Good to hear from you, ms_turtle, and I second everything rubygirl says.  The disconnet between how we feel and what people see is always hard, and baffling when we feel so very bad, how can people NOT see?  It sounds like you have had hardly and down time, mentally, and now have to get ready for the semester.  I hope you get a chance to decompress more and get to a better place.
Have a good day, all, and take care!

Indeed, how can anyone not see. Most people just consider me a private, very quiet person. I do work myself to death. If I stop, I start crying. Sometimes I just cry while I work. Hey, it looks just like sweat! This is one of the things the therapist (who is really just trying to get a big picture in these initial visits) and I talked about yesterday.

The new semester... curiouser and curiouser ... strangely weird and weirdly strange. The interim (perhaps permanent) dept chair stopped me in the hallway and started talking about his progress in getting $200,000 to renovate the lab (and upgrade models, resources, supplies) for two of the classes I teach. One of the classes is taught regularly along with another instructor. The other class I won't be teaching this fall (this really affected me -- long story) but the chair admittedly made a mistake (can't be corrected for this semester though) in scheduling and his too-ambitious plans.

This was complete news to me. I can squeeze a penny until it screams, but 200K will go along way towards a new HVAC supply, plumbing, new lab furniture, seamless flooring (dissections can be wet and nasty), new models, and some in-lab computers.

The kids started school this past Wednesday. My fall semester starts on the 25th. I thought it started on the 18th mainly because I simply haven't cared to check the real date until now. This weekend I will be choosing and ordering glass for my next stained glass project. It will be a coastal, NE lighthouse landscape and I'm going to use actual beach glass for the beach. It's going into my in-laws new house. I don't care for MIL, but stained glass is what many would say is my true calling. I can put some photos of my work on photobucket if any of you would like a look-see (PM me). Sorry this is long, I'm recovering from a morning of yard work.

[msparticularity]

Hey all us 'whiners'!  *note sarcasm here* I hope everyone who reads this is in good spirits and taking it easy.

Yep, lenniel, extremes in temperature bother me.  Right now, it is not bad, as the humidity fell finally and we have cooler temps.  I spent the last week traveling to see SO, and spend some time in the archive.  Long days, between commuting and sitting for hours transcribing.  Luckily, I had my gentleman to spend time with, so it made the work a little easier.  I took yesterday off and am today back to work.

Just spent the past half hour managing all the different prescriptions.  I am too young to have so many!!  Luckily, my insurance plan covers a mail-order service which does three months worth of maintenance drugs.  It really is a cost savings.

I am worried about gearing up for the semester, energy-wise.  It seems as if I am wearing out faster and faster these days.  Though the water aerobics and the gym work helps with the achiness and the general well-being, perhaps I am overdoing it a little, and my body is struggling to fill the energy tank.

Treat yourselves nicely, kindly, and with great love and respect.  You deserve it.

Hey everyone! I hope you're all enjoying a nice Saturday. And Ms_T, I'm glad to hear all your labs look so good. And your stained glass work sounds both beautiful and really satisfying.

Temperature extremes do seem to bother me also, Lenniel and Gourmetless, although that is most noticeable when I'm already in a flare. When I'm stable I seem to be able to tolerate a lot, although extreme cold is very painful, and extreme heat just knocks me out. Earlier on in this process, heat of any kind was just awful, and I felt much better in a cool, damp climate.

Gourmetless, I'm definitely feeling like a whiner - part of the reason I haven't posted much lately, I guess. After all, how much fun is it to read (or write) the same thing over and over: "My joints are swollen and hurt, and most of the time I'm feeling like I'm coming down with the flu." In other words, yeah - I've got RA and I'm having a flare :(

One of the things I think gets the most discouraging about chronic illness is how SLOW the d@mned thing is to respond! I mean, I know I spent months building up to this, and that the job hunt, my insane amount of travel with my old job, and then moving across the country got me into this state, but now I've been taking good care of myself for a whole two weeks and I want to feel better NOW! Just a little demanding, you know ;). The thing is, last time I went on Plaquenil, which is the least-hideous drug, I developed an allergy to it and a rash. I'm working really hard to not go on the next drug up the line, but I think I'm also a little scared that I'll have to. Sigh.

[rubygirl]

I have been meaning to check with my doctor about the nuclear PMS, and I appreciate the tips, rubygirl!  I used to take Prozac for it and it helped, but I stopped some years ago.  Now on the days when I feel like attaching a machine gun to my car for the commute, I realize I should probably reassess. 

Oh, probably.  (LOL!)  Let me know if you end up getting something that helps.  I always like to hear of triumphs over PMS, however they happen. ;-)

To Ms_Turtle and everyone else for whom drugs don't work or aren't currently working:  I'm sorry!  That really sucks.  Hang in there, because we're here for you.  Vent whenever you need.

I'm off to go take a long walk.  My whole lower half has been aching and I've come to the conclusion it's from lack of exercise.  Also, I figured out this summer that I have poor leg circulation--fun, no?  So I have to get that heart pumping.  (Man, I hate to exercise--or at least, until I've been doing it for about twenty minutes.)  ARGH!

Take care of yourselves.

PS vent:  my insurance has the mail-in thing, too, which would be good, except they don't offer Lexapro.  The cost just doubled. ARGH.