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[sikora]

It's just a small thing.  Housemate placed an order to have her laptop picked up by UPS to send it to Laptop Rescue.  UPS brings the box, and you hand them the computer, right there, and they pack it.  It requires somebody to be at home.  She made the arrangements without asking me, because she thought I wasn't going to start work until Dec. 1 and that I'd be happy to wait around several days for UPS to show up.  My appointment began Nov 12, and I am anxious to get started. I'd like to please the guy I work for, and I need the money. 

We had a blow up about it, and now things are really, really uncomfortable.  Come to think of it, she never said please, thank you, or whatever.  She just got mad that "things change," "you said you weren't going to start until Dec. 1," "you can't have your presentation done," yadda, yadda, yadda. I wish I had Prytania's strength of character. 

She also made some comment about the flexibility of my job and her needs after surgery.  Well, I'm going to limit my availability.  There are nice places to be on campus even if I'm not working.

I have some DBT skills I can try.  I'm glad I didn't through the workbook away.  DBT people familiar with DEAR MAN?

Dragon Lady is coming for the weekend, and I'm making arrangements to be gone all day Sat and Sun.

I really should live alone.

Like I said, finding myself in this situation, I really admire Pry. 

[bud04]

Sikora I am sorry that you find yourself in this situation. Your roommate is presuming way too much about what you will do for her. Way too much for a roommate relationship that is not romantic. I really wish you would check around and see if there might be another place you could live with your dog and be happier. Did you at least check the Sunday ads for roommates? I know it is a pain to move but long term it may be best for you and your well being. 

[t_r_b]

Sikora I am sorry that you find yourself in this situation. Your roommate is presuming way too much about what you will do for her. Way too much for a roommate relationship that is not romantic.

I'd say she's presuming much more than would be healthy even if the relationship were romantic. No one is entitled to treat anyone the way that Housemate is treating Sikora. Period.

DBT people familiar with DEAR MAN?

No. What is it?

I think your avoidance strategy (finding places to do work, etc. elsewhere and avoiding the house) is a good idea. Keep taking care of yourself, and keep up those boundaries. You are a tenant, not a servant. 

[sikora]

Okay, please tell me I don't have to feel guilty.   7 people came over this morning and started moving furniture around for roommate.  They are all friends of hers,  and one family member. I am up in my room and have not offered to help, but I haven't been asked, either. I'm not really part of this social circle. I got a bit in the way at one point, not knowing what was going on until I got downstairs (I had music on). I hesitate to do any heavy lifting, afraid of hurting my shoulder again.

As soon as Open Office is downloaded on my little computer, I'm leaving.  I got somethings I want to work on.  They are not immediate things, they can wait.  Should I be offering to help?  I'm keeping my dog upstairs and out from underfoot.

What can I offer to help?  Should I ask if I can get something from the store or something like that?  The last time this went on, I bought pizza for everyone. 

I have a lot of trouble with feeling guilty, don't I?  I guess I'm looking for some indication that I am not a bad person.

[biomancer]

Sikora, you're not a bad person.  If Roommate asked those folks to come over and move the furniture, then they're her guests to feed, not yours.

[see_wolf]

I agree with biomancer. It is your roommate's house... if she invites 7 people over to move furniture, I would assume (if I were you) that she doesn't need your help.  And there is absolutely NO reason for you to feed these people... they are doing HER the favor!

[marigolds]

Yes.  You DO have a problem with feeling guilty.  And it seems to really make you miserable a lot of the time. 

This is nothing to do with you (and actually, I commend Housemate for finding some other people to do her work for her instead of trying to drop it on you.)  Hide out in your room, leave the house, whatever - without feeling bad! 

[bud04]

Sikora I agree with everyone. Go do what you want to do. Say hello as you leave or when you go downstairs to grab something to eat. Then go about your business.   

[sikora]

Thanks. 

Actually, it all turned out okay.  I did a token bit of work.  The best thing was getting into a conversation with ex-roommate.  He had some similar experiences here, esp. with Big Sister.  He gave me his email so we can gossip.  Validating, very validating.

As to my health, you know the VA is sending me to an occupational therapist for a "stairs evaluation."  What does that mean? 

[bud04]

Notice Sikora that he is an "ex-roommate." I am happy you met him. I think he will provide you with needed perspective.

[sikora]

Okay, I'm done feeling sorry for myself :) I still want to know what a "stairs evaluation " is. 

[history_grrrl]

Chime on the earlier suggestion to discuss the possibility of a rent reduction. What you're offering to do for the housemate is the kind of thing somebody gets hired to do.

Also, a suggestion about the sister. Why agree with her? It only makes her feel smug and superior, and then she comes back for more. I like what a friend of mine uses, and I have sometimes used it with one particularly evil sister of mine. Note: you have to feel calm during this; you can't feel agitated and stressed out. Here it is: "Feel free to believe that if you like. That's your choice." That's it. Very simple. No fighting. End of discussion. For additional help with this -- and with the housemate -- I recommend a book I've mentioned several times before on the fora: The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner. Extremely eye-opening and very pertinent to your situation

[conjugate]

Okay, I'm done feeling sorry for myself :) I still want to know what a "stairs evaluation " is. 

Well, if it were a knee or hip problem instead of a shoulder problem, I'd assume that you were going to be given an idea about whether and how you can climb steps after surgery.  However, Google gave me this:

The test of retrieval effectiveness performed on IBM's STAIRS and reported in Communications of the ACM ten years ago, continues to be cited frequently in the information retrieval literature. The reasons for the study's continuing pertinence to today's research are discussed, and the political, legal, and commercial aspects of the study are presented. In addition, the method of calculating recall that was used in the STAIRS study is discussed in some detail, especially how it reduces the five major types of uncertainty in recall estimations. It is also suggested that this method of recall estimation may serve as the basis for recall estimations that might be truly comparable between systems. © 1996 John Wiley & Sons, Inc.

Maybe your ability to retrieve medical records by computer is to be tested?  It seems odd, but there we are.  Another link, a powerpoint presentation, says, "STAIRS: An Efficient Full-Text Filtering and Dissemination in a DHT Environment
" which doesn't seem to help much either.  Do any of these seem vaguely relevant to anything you're doing?

[sikora]

I think it has to do with the fact that each time I've dislocated my shoulder it was in the process of falling down the stairs. 

[msparticularity]

I think it has to do with the fact that each time I've dislocated my shoulder it was in the process of falling down the stairs. 

I'm guessing they're going to evaluate you for safety on stairs--including, perhaps, strength and balance.