anon2forthisone
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« on: April 21, 2008, 08:24:24 AM » |
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I just found out that my husband has been secretly looking at porn. Apparently he's done so throughout his entire life. He claims I am the first person he's ever been with to discover this. It's always been his deep, dark secret.
I know there are lots of opinions about pornography out there, but I find it revolting that he's got this habit. But this isn't even the biggest problem, as far as I see it. I don't like the fact that he's kept this hidden all these years. I knew something was going on, based on his behavior. I thought maybe he was having an affair, which he has always denied. I have really worried about his behavior for a long time and I feel angry to have been put through this. Furthermore, I can't help but think that his habit is filling a void, although he denies this is so.
I love my husband and am committed to this relationship. But I just don't know how to respond to this. If someone has some words of wisdom, I'd appreciate it. I really don't want to talk to anyone I know about this.
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prytania3
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« Reply #1 on: April 21, 2008, 08:27:26 AM » |
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Oh for pity's sake. Get over it.
Are there even any men in America who don't look at porn?
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Clowns, I tell you. Clowns.
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kilpikonna
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« Reply #2 on: April 21, 2008, 08:44:03 AM » |
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If I had a spouse who pressed me often about whether I was having an affair -- and I read your post as implying that that's been a topic between the two of you on several occasions -- I can easily see myself wanting to preserve a part of my sexuality, and control over my body, that was just for me. And I think that in his mind, your negative reaction is going to validate his initial instinct to keep this secret from you. One cannot really expect spousal honesty if the honesty results in punishment.
I simply don't get what the big deal is about porn, though, so maybe I'm not the one you want to hear from...
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untenured
On far too many committees
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Posts: 5,625
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« Reply #3 on: April 21, 2008, 08:50:07 AM » |
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I would examine whether your husband's porn consumption has a negative effect on your marriage. Does he treat you disrespectfully? Does he refuse marital relations? Does he spend significant amounts of money on it? If so, then the porn has become a problem for you and your husband.
He might have been keeping it a secret from you because he thought you might have the exact reaction you just did -- which appears to be moral outrage that's not grounded in any specific effect.
Untenured
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You are among the Pure and Truthful, however small their Number.
My goodness, that was an exceptionally good analysis of the forum. |
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anon2forthisone
New member
Posts: 7
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« Reply #4 on: April 21, 2008, 08:51:43 AM » |
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My husband and I have only had one conversation where I asked if he was having an affair, and that was in December. So, his behavior is not a reaction to something I did. The fact that he's been doing this (looking at porn in secret) all of his life only reinforces that point.
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anon2forthisone
New member
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« Reply #5 on: April 21, 2008, 08:53:48 AM » |
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I would hardly characterize my reaction as "moral outrage." In fact, I had no reaction at all to the issue of sexuality. It was the hiding it that bothered me most. He has hid it from all of his partners, not just me. So his behavior is not a reaction to me or my opinions specifically.
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larryc
Hu hatin'
Distinguished Senior Member
Posts: 18,285
Eschew the hu.
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« Reply #6 on: April 21, 2008, 08:56:06 AM » |
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No big deal.
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dapperpoet
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« Reply #7 on: April 21, 2008, 08:56:56 AM » |
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He might have been keeping it a secret from you because he thought you might have the exact reaction you just did -- which appears to be moral outrage that's not grounded in any specific effect. Um, geez. Men like to look at naked women. Men like to look at people having sex. You can celebrate this aspect of your sexuality (and even be involved in it...it's big fun within a loving couple) or you can make your husband obfuscate, lie to you, and find some other way of looking at naked women. Maybe he will then choose to do it in a motel room in your town somewhere, with a live model. To quote an old human sexuality prof. of mine, there are two kinds of people. Masturbaters and liars. Don't make him be a liar. |
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« Last Edit: April 21, 2008, 08:58:26 AM by dapperpoet »
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"Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. This is easy. All you have to do is tell them that they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for a lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in every country." Hermann Goering
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anon2forthisone
New member
Posts: 7
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« Reply #8 on: April 21, 2008, 09:06:12 AM » |
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Please. I am not making him into anything. He's the one who feels shame and guilt over this, and has so throughout his entire life (otherwise he wouldn't hide it from everyone). I didn't make him feel that way.
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neutralname
A person without qualities, except for being a
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« Reply #9 on: April 21, 2008, 09:11:29 AM » |
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Why does he feel shame and guilt about this? Maybe the solution is to help him find better porn. Most porn is pretty stupid and cliched. You have to search harder for the more interesting and progressive stuff.
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"My loathings are simple: stupidity, oppression, crime, cruelty, soft music." Vladimir Nabokov
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dapperpoet
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« Reply #10 on: April 21, 2008, 09:12:24 AM » |
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I have really worried about his behavior for a long time and I feel angry to have been put through this. What in the world is it you're being put through? Look I get it. I used to hide penthouses under my mattress, I used to pretend that I didn't look at the websites, I used to be ashamed of that aspect of my personality. And, of course, that is the norm among men in this country. Now, because I can be completely open about it (in my second marriage) it not only makes it more acceptable and normal and non-shameful, but it also means that I don't have to hide that aspect of my personality. And, to tell you the truth, it probably means I look at it a hell of a lot less than I used to when I was keeping secrets. The fact that you're all freaked out just reinforces his need to hide his behavior, which believe me, makes keeping secrets not only inevitable but also alluring. If you can't stand this aspect of his personality, I can assure you that he's not the one who's going to change. |
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« Last Edit: April 21, 2008, 09:14:37 AM by dapperpoet »
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"Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. This is easy. All you have to do is tell them that they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for a lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in every country." Hermann Goering
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amos_anony
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« Reply #11 on: April 21, 2008, 09:14:06 AM » |
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Ummm.... What's the big deal?
This is only a problem if it actually interferes with your own relationship and/or sex life itself--e.g., he takes less interest, he becomes violent. Or if he's consuming illegal porn (i.e. child pornography).
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gennimom
Somewhat Southern (Have I really posted that much?)
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Let's get summer over with! Me want snow!
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« Reply #12 on: April 21, 2008, 09:18:34 AM » |
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After my father died, my brothers were the ones who went through his stuff, which was just fine by me, as I knew he had porn in his workshop. We all knew for years my dad received Playboy, as my brothers would sneak into the parents' room to read it anytime they weren't home. I accidently found his other stash while looking for a tool.
My mother was aware of the porn (or at least the Playboy) and didn't even blink. She often said my dad could look, he just couldn't touch. There was one rumor about my dad supposedly cheating on my mom, and her reply was, "When? He doesn't have time!" As far as I know, that was true for the entire 53 years they were married.
For most guys, I think porn is a safe outlet. Just because they have it, doesn't mean they cheat.
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...only after reading gm's post, my new mantra is "always listen to gennimom".
Monday reeks! - Garfield The outside of a horse is good for the inside of a person (or something like that). |
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locutus
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« Reply #13 on: April 21, 2008, 09:20:02 AM » |
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I just found out that my husband has been secretly looking at porn. Apparently he's done so throughout his entire life. He claims I am the first person he's ever been with to discover this. It's always been his deep, dark secret. I'm curious. It's his deep dark secret that he looks at porn? Really? This seems tantamount to his deep dark secret being that he masturbated once when he was 17. He might have been keeping it a secret from you because he thought you might have the exact reaction you just did -- which appears to be moral outrage that's not grounded in any specific effect. Let me channel Dan Savage here. Yes to this. Maybe he doesn't want to talk about it because he figured your reaction lean towards some sort of moral outrage. Maybe you guys should sit down and watch some together. Or not. If you're going to roll your eyes and say "I can't believe you like this crap" then maybe you shouldn't. Is he addicted? Is this something he does 3 hours a day while at work? Or is this a weekend hobby. |
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Render unto Geedorah what is Geedorah's.
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vortex
Senior member
Posts: 421
zen
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« Reply #14 on: April 21, 2008, 09:27:49 AM » |
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What kind of men don't look at porn sometimes? Because of the way it is seen in our society (and the way most women react to it), men feel very private about it. It's like going to the bathroom. If your husband really feels like it's his horrible secret, maybe you can help him to feel better about it. I can understand how some men can feel like they're participating in a Black Mass every time they look at porn. My wife sent me this joke website about what kind of porn women might like: http://www.theinternetnowinhandybookform.com/PornForGirlsByGirls/. |
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It is in this fathom-long body endowed with mind that the beginning and end of this world are made known. -- The Buddha
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