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[ramblinrose]

I disagree with Ramblin Rose on the issue of long, drawn-out discussions. Yes, it's important to discuss these things, but unless both partners decide that they both want to draw this thing out, it's important to decide what your own bottom lines are, where room for improvement is, and to take advantage of concrete opportunities to make those improvements when they occur. Then is the time to talk, make a decision and then live with it. At other times, it can be wonderfully constructive to STFU. If you don't, you will talk about hypothetical things and never stop talking because there are no boundaries.

I just wanted to point out that I did not mean having a long, drawn out conversation, though that may be necessary.  It may be that each of you are unaware of the feelings of the other-this certainly happened to us many times while we were apart and still occasionally happens now.  I meant that having a difficult discussion over the telephone does not work, especially if it goes badly, because it is very difficult to comfort each other or make up over the phone.  On short weekends, there is a sense of not wanting to ruin the time together.  It can also take several days of being back together, especially if it has been a while, to get comfortable with having a difficult conversation. Depending on how the conversation goes, it can take a few days to a few weeks to come to terms with the decisions that were made, or the impasses that have been reached, and it is best to be in the same place while doing that so you can move past the conversation before being apart again.

[elena_2]

.... but I read the above part of your post as you involving your partner in an important life decision, and he didn't take his part of that decision too seriously (given his later thoughts), ie he didn't do any homework about the regions you were considering. 

I think Mellonia hit the nail on the head.

Upon reflection, what I really resent is that he didn't "do his homework".  I could live with a plan in which we decide to live apart, especially if it would allow him to pursue his dream job.  I could be extremely flexible in many ways.  However, I would like to have as much information as possible and his cooperation when I make my decisions.  The truth is, if could had said "Large City X" is bad for my career, my career prospects are better on the other coast" before I had applied for the job, I may not have applied for it.  Or I may have.  but it would have been my decision to keep us apart (or together, with him not having his job of choice).

My career prospects are very simple to describe (if there a lot of law schools in the area, my job prospects are good.  the more law schools, the better). I wanted a description  like that, at least before we started the whole thing...so I could have guidance on regions to avoid.

However, he did not give me guidance, I felt like I couldn't do the research for him because I don't understand his field...feelings of helplessness and resentment ensued...

I actually did try to do the research for him, but this always ended up with us fighting and him pointing out that since I don't understand his field, I couldn't tell the difference between X type of research and Y type of research.

Am I crazy for expecting this guidance from him?

[polly_mer]

Am I crazy for expecting this guidance from him?

No, you certainly aren't crazy for wanting to know what he plans to do or what his options are likely to be. 

I can understand why you attempting to do the research for him wouldn't work, but somehow these things have to be put on the table so that you can decide as a couple what possibilities to pursue.  Otherwise, you will not be a couple for much longer.

It sounds to me as though you two need to have a long, serious, and probably painful talk about what you both want and what is necessary to get it.  Having had that talk every two years for about the past decade, I know how tempting it is to keep avoiding it.  However, these types of situations don't get better on their own.  Someone has to push the issue with "What's our plan?" and it sounds as though that person will have to be you.


Good luck!

[msparticularity]

What Acrimone and PollyMer said.

Concretely, he's told you he's moving to the other coast and not to you, so you are less important to him than his career is, and you'll have to live with that, even if he would really like to have you both. You can look for work there, and see if anything comes of it, but I would get a firm offer first before moving.

This is taking the most negative possible interpretation, but...

Sometimes the things people do give us a lot of information about what they want - much more so than what they say. If we just look at your partner's behavior, he's not doing a lot that indicates (as far as your posts show, of course - I have no way of knowing beyond that!) that he wants to be in this relationship at all. There are people out there who will maneuver events so that they will "just naturally" lead to the end of a relationship, without the need to be honest and provoke a confrontation by actually ending the relationship.

Not a suggestion at all, or advice - just a question about an alternative view of the situation.

[sibyl]

Am I crazy for expecting this guidance from him?

Not crazy to ask for it.  Crazy to expect it, maybe.  If you said to him, in terms so plain and fair as those you used in this post, that you need this specific kind of input from him, and he refused to give it to you or never invested the time to find out the answer, then yes, he fell down on the job, and is (and has been) treating you badly.  But if you didn't say this directly to him, then you can't fault him for not being a mind reader.

Which is my way of endorsing the view that communication is important.  Relationships succeed when the participants have concrete and specific expectations of each other.  It's a delightful thing when we know each other well enough to be able to anticipate each other's needs and wants.  But that's very much the exception to the rule, even in successful relationships.

By the way, I don't find in your words support for normative's view.  You said he said that the other coast was better for him; you did not say that he has told you he's moving to the other coast come hell or high water.  I would give him credit for trying, and keep on trying as long as he tries.

(But if normative read between the lines correctly, well...)

[normative_]

What Acrimone and PollyMer said.

Concretely, he's told you he's moving to the other coast and not to you, so you are less important to him than his career is, and you'll have to live with that, even if he would really like to have you both. You can look for work there, and see if anything comes of it, but I would get a firm offer first before moving.

This is taking the most negative possible interpretation, but...

Sometimes the things people do give us a lot of information about what they want - much more so than what they say. If we just look at your partner's behavior, he's not doing a lot that indicates (as far as your posts show, of course - I have no way of knowing beyond that!) that he wants to be in this relationship at all. There are people out there who will maneuver events so that they will "just naturally" lead to the end of a relationship, without the need to be honest and provoke a confrontation by actually ending the relationship.

I happen to agree with Msparticularity's interpretation in this case.

Then again, behaviour can be entirely misleading, and we have to use our judgement in deciding whether to rely on that for information. The LHC thread is dealing with a case of this right now. Dumped, out of the blue.

If I'm uncertain, I orient myself to behaviour. Because behavioural patterns are easier to interpret than what is in people's hearts and minds.

One has to talk about these things at some point if one wants to save the relationship and a hard choice has to be made. But you can have too much of a good thing. That's all I'm saying.

In the OP's case, there is nothing that could have been done to prevent the problem in the relationship from arising. She went the extra mile, which is her decision, and only ever 'wrong' from an egotistical point of view, and I don't see that more intensive discussion would have generated any better results.

My sense here is that this guy should have been up front early on. He wasn't. He's therefore thoughtless at least. I'm being fairly diplomatic here.

[alto_stratus]

I have to agree with MsP and normative on this one.  There's the hint of a red flag.  Sometimes laziness is just laziness, but it's worth figuring out why he blew this off. 

A couple of interpretations pop to mind:
-Perhaps he felt the best thing to do was for you to take the opportunity you really wanted.
-Perhaps he always feels the best thing to do is to take the right job. (Job is priority #1.)
-Maybe didn't know what he wanted and you did, so he was just going with the flow.  (Bird in the hand.)
-It could also be that he wasn't sure if he wanted the relationship; but he didn't want the guilt of asking you to sacrifice for him, and then potentially not being able to deliver in the relationship.  (Oh, so common. . .)

Don't resent him, but do talk to him and try to figure out where you stand.  Sometimes people come at these situations from such different perspectives, it can be amazing to learn that one has the perspective it's okay to live apart for a decade if it's best for the career. 

[kilpikonna]

Sorry to revive an old thread (what's the expiration window on these things, anyhow?) but I'd like to offer an alternate explanation for the OP's partner's feet-dragging: maybe he's got some anxiety about the next step and his wishywashiness isn't about her at all.  I know that my SO and I have been having conversations about The Future for the last year or so and it was always extremely stressful for me until I actually got an offer someplace I wanted to go.  I spent a long time trying to avoid thinking about it, and none of the vague plans I did have worked out in the least.

I should also point out that it can be hard to line up a postdoc, especially in this climate.  I think the OP said her person was in engineering, and they have more things open to them (e.g. the possibility of industry postdocs), but still, in this economic climate it's not like you can just waltz up to a guy and ask if you can be his postdoc and have a high expectation of success.

None of this is to say that the OP shouldn't be stressed and frustrated -- it's a stressful frustrating thing.  And I certainly agree that he didn't handle this well!  But I would be careful about viewing it through the lens of an uncommitted partner unless there are other, less ambiguous cues pointing that way.  Graduation/jobsearches/transitions are a really stressful time in life as is, and long distance relationships are another stressor: having this worry in the back of your mind that he's secretly not that into it will only make it harder.  Now might be a good time to put the cards on the table about where you think it's headed, though, if you haven't yet.  It might help relieve the tension.