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[king_ghidorah]

I'm sorry if this has been posted elsewhere - I searched but did not find a thread.

My office mate is saying things that I find offensive and that could get us both in trouble if overheard.  These have been, on occasion, racial slurs and, more recently, comments about his attractions to various female staff or faculty.

He says these things in a joking manner and for various reasons (which I won’t conjecture about since I don’t want to offend anyone) I don’t think I will change his mind about his vocabulary or views (he honestly seems to think people are over-sensitive to these sorts of things).

My SO has suggested I privately email the dept head and ask for an office switch, which I think is a great idea.  But I feel cowardly for not confronting this fella more forcefully – I ascribe to the notion that the best way to combat racism and sexism is by speaking up, but I haven’t had to do this since I was in high school and I’m not sure what to say.  I have been telling him that he "shouldn't be saying these things" but it seems to have no effect.

In other regards my office mate is a really good guy and I enjoyed his company until this particular aspect of his personality surfaced. 

Has anyone else been in this position or does anyone have a suggestion?

[larryc]

Your silence is being read as not only permission but assent. You have a moral obligation to speak out.

You can do so casually. The next time he says something like this, you immediately say: "John, I don't approve of that kind of talk and I am asking you never to speak that way to me again." No need for a conversation, just hold your ground. Repeat yourself if needed.

Every racist who goes unchallenged thinks "See? Other people agree with me, I am just the one with the guts to say it out loud." Don't let them think that.

[king_ghidorah]

Your silence is being read as not only permission but assent. You have a moral obligation to speak out.

You can do so casually. The next time he says something like this, you immediately say: "John, I don't approve of that kind of talk and I am asking you never to speak that way to me again." No need for a conversation, just hold your ground. Repeat yourself if needed.

Every racist who goes unchallenged thinks "See? Other people agree with me, I am just the one with the guts to say it out loud." Don't let them think that.

Noted....geeze, I can't believe I'm seeing this in academia.  Too naive perhaps.

[onion]

Your silence is being read as not only permission but assent. You have a moral obligation to speak out.

You can do so casually. The next time he says something like this, you immediately say: "John, I don't approve of that kind of talk and I am asking you never to speak that way to me again." No need for a conversation, just hold your ground. Repeat yourself if needed.

Every racist who goes unchallenged thinks "See? Other people agree with me, I am just the one with the guts to say it out loud." Don't let them think that.

I agree.  And if he continues, tell him that you've already asked him to knock it off, and since he hasn't, you're going to file an official complaint that he's creating a hostile work environment. 

By the way, he's going to hate you and think you're a "wuss" or something like that for standing up to him.  You might want to change offices anyway after you confront him because he's probably going to repeatedly say things like "Oh, King Ghidorah is verrrrry sensitive and PC and I have to be careful not to offend his virgin ears."  (I work with a couple folks like this and this is how it went down.)

Do you really want to be associated with a guy like this? 

(I hope I'm jumping to conclusions, but I find myself wondering if/what he might be saying to students/in the classroom?)

[king_ghidorah]

Do you really want to be associated with a guy like this? 

(I hope I'm jumping to conclusions, but I find myself wondering if/what he might be saying to students/in the classroom?)

Actually, his student evals were really, really bad last semester and he may not be back anyway.  I do not know about his classroom behavior - interestingly, this uni is very concerned with just these sorts of problems (they've had a lot) but no names are ever mentioned.  Again, he is an enjoyable person but he seems to think its funny to say these sorts of things aloud.

[onion]

Do you really want to be associated with a guy like this? 

(I hope I'm jumping to conclusions, but I find myself wondering if/what he might be saying to students/in the classroom?)

Actually, his student evals were really, really bad last semester and he may not be back anyway.  I do not know about his classroom behavior - interestingly, this uni is very concerned with just these sorts of problems (they've had a lot) but no names are ever mentioned.  Again, he is an enjoyable person but he seems to think its funny to say these sorts of things aloud.

Good luck.  These kinds of conversations are hard, but at the end of the day, so worth it.

[zuzu_]

I am terrified of confrontation. I would deal this situation by humorously mocking the offender in a somewhat jovial yet sarcastic tone.

For example, if he used a racial slur, I would say "Hey Jim, this isn't 1955 Mississippi, you know."

Or, if I he said something sexist, I would say, "Well, I guess us chicks and broads are pretty stupid. We do have nice gams, though."

Or, "Hey Jim--sounds like you missed the sexual harassment seminar. Let me get human resources on the line and see if we can set up a special session."

[sciencephd]

My approach would be similar to zuzu's.  Start with a light approach, and then ramp up efforts to deflect/redirect the comments.  Even a silly gesture such as covering one's ears and making a grimacing facial expression when he makes such a comment will make it clear that you just don't want to hear it. 

Given that these are remarks about third parties, personally, I would be reluctant to make a formal sexual harassment complaint unless all other measures had been explored first.

[zharkov]

Churchgoing FIL used to make the occasional racist comment, until I confronted him with, "You know FIL, if God is a [racial minority], you are going to be in deep [expletive deleted]."  Last time he said anything like that in my presence.

 

[onion]

My approach would be similar to zuzu's.  Start with a light approach, and then ramp up efforts to deflect/redirect the comments.  Even a silly gesture such as covering one's ears and making a grimacing facial expression when he makes such a comment will make it clear that you just don't want to hear it. 

Given that these are remarks about third parties, personally, I would be reluctant to make a formal sexual harassment complaint unless all other measures had been explored first.

But there's a difference between communicating that the OP "doesn't want to hear it" and letting the guy know that it's not acceptable all around to make defamatory comments about women and/or minorities.

And just to clarify, I didn't say he should make a "formal sexual harassment complaint."  Rather, I suggested that if the offending office mate doesn't shape up, the OP should file a complaint that his office mate is creating a "hostile work environment", which is not always necessarily sexual in its nature.  My university has a separate box to check on their standard form for this kind of thing.  It happens more than anyone cares to admit. 

[dr_mcmom]

Email him the newsarticle about the mess in New Mexico - dean in trouble, dept. head stepped down - all due to emailing porn, making inappropriate jokes, etc.  When a person responded how offended he was, the instigator replied with (paraphrasing) "what, aren't you a real man" or something to that effect.  Yup - quite a mess

http://www.lcsun-news.com/ci_8567109?source=most_viewed
http://www.currentargus.com/ci_8566107

"See, if they do this to honchos, they'll screwer us peons!"

[sciencephd]

My approach would be similar to zuzu's.  Start with a light approach, and then ramp up efforts to deflect/redirect the comments.  Even a silly gesture such as covering one's ears and making a grimacing facial expression when he makes such a comment will make it clear that you just don't want to hear it. 

Given that these are remarks about third parties, personally, I would be reluctant to make a formal sexual harassment complaint unless all other measures had been explored first.

But there's a difference between communicating that the OP "doesn't want to hear it" and letting the guy know that it's not acceptable all around to make defamatory comments about women and/or minorities.

And just to clarify, I didn't say he should make a "formal sexual harassment complaint."  Rather, I suggested that if the offending office mate doesn't shape up, the OP should file a complaint that his office mate is creating a "hostile work environment", which is not always necessarily sexual in its nature.  My university has a separate box to check on their standard form for this kind of thing.  It happens more than anyone cares to admit. 

I would just hesitate to file any formal complaint before all other avenues were explored.  Once you file such a form, you can't take it back, and people's lives can be seriously affected by these things.

[king_ghidorah]

Thanks everyone.  just wanted to say that I'm taking this seriously and looking at this thread everyday for suggestions.

Today passed without incident and officemate was unusually quite - perhaps I got across my discomfort / disapproval with the last smart remark?  Unsure. 

SO and I roll played a little bit last night and I rehearsed what I would say.

I really liked drjomc's idea of examples from the media of these kinds of things coming back and biting people in the bum.  My situation is not anywhere as extreme as that wingnut at NM, but this might be a great way of making a point.

[hollow_man]

SO and I roll played a little bit last night

Dude, TMI!


Oh wait, you meant "role-played"!

[larryc]

Don't be judgmental, Wasteland. Roll-Playing Americans have had to hide their fetish for far too long.