next »

[tenured_feminist]

A Jew, a Muslim, a Catholic, and a Mormon are shipwrecked on a small desert island. They have very little food and water, and the situation is perilous.

The Muslim finds a corner of the beach, prostrates himself, and prays to Allah for succor.

The Mormon finds a different corner and prays fervently to God.

The Catholic heads for a palm tree, sits down, and begins reciting the rosary non-stop, her beads miraculously having survived the wreck.

The Jew continues hanging out by the shore, picking up a shell now and then, and occasionally skipping rocks.

After a little while, the Muslim, Mormon, and Catholic realize that the Jew's just idly staring off into the distance, whistling a little tune, instead of doing everything possible to get them saved. They confront the Jew and say, "Hey, you jerk! We're all doing the best we can to get a little divine intervention here! How about you help us cover your base, eh?"

The Jew just smiles for a moment. Then she says, "Well, over the past ten years, I've donated about $20,000 to the Jewish Federation."

The Catholic, outraged, replies, "So what? What does that have to do with anything?"

The Jew answers, "Don't worry. They'll find me."

[zharkov]

I recall Jesse Jackson telling this joke....

The Pope and Jesse were out fishing and the Pope's hat gets blown off onto the water.  Jesse leaves the boat, and lo and behold, is able to walk on water and retrieves the Pope's hat.

The next day, the headlines say:  Jesse Can't Swim

 

[daurousseau]

Here's one narrated today by Uri Averny, the Israeli writer, at CounterPunch:

I was reminded this week of the old tale about a Jewish mother taking leave of her son, who has been called up to serve in the Czar's army against the Turks.
 
"Don't exert yourself too much," she admonishes him, "Kill a Turk and rest. Kill another Turk and rest again…"
 
"But mother," he exclaims, "What if the Turk kills me?"
 
"Kill you?" she cries out, "Why? What have you done to him?"

[mdwlark]

A man takes advantage of a deserted beach by a lake to skinny dip. 

Then three church ladies from the nearby local Christian congregation (insert name of church of your choice) arrive and set up a picnic lunch.  They are sitting between the lake and the man's clothes.  They seem unaware of his presence.  He is getting tired and cold, and finally can't stand waiting.  He grabs a towel from the shore, wraps it around his head, and runs for the spot where his clothes are.   

The three church ladies all agree this is shocking. 
The first church lady says, "I'm glad he is not my husband." 
The second church lady says, "I'm glad he is not my husband either."

The third church lady says, "He's not even a member of our congregation." 

[zharkov]

An atheist, an agnostic, a Jew, a pagan, and a Christian go into a church....

Wait, that's how the Unitarian Universalist church actually works.  Or at least tries to.

[big_giant_head]

Can we only tell jokes from traditions we grew up within?

If so, why should you always take two Baptists when you go fishing?

A: if you only take one, he'll drink all your beer.

[science_expat]

What do a whore, a nymphomaniac, and a Jewish American princess say after sex?

The whore says "That's ALL!"

The nymphomaniac "THAT'S all?"

The Jewish American princess says "Beige. I think we'll paint the ceiling beige."

<Sorry, TF>

[locutus]

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor.

What'll ya have?

Make me one with everything.

[magistra]

What's the difference between Catholics, Episcopalians, and Baptists?

Catholics don't recognize divorce, Episcopalians don't recognize the pope, and Baptists don't recognize each other in the liquor store.

[mdwlark]

I'm an equal opportunity jokester, thanks to a diversity of friends.

Q:  How do you know you are at a Mormon wedding?

A:  The mother of the bride is pregnant.

Q:  How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A:  None.  Don't bother.  I'll just sit here alone in the dark. 


 

[choirguy]

There are three great religious truths:

1)  Jews do not recognize Jesus as Messiah
2)  Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of Christianity
3)  Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store or at the gay bar

[titian]

One of the classics...Sh!t happens, according to religion.

[daniel_von_flanagan]

One of the classics...Sh!t happens, according to religion.

I am astonished to discover, as the last post shows, that the CHE censoring software actually censors hidden URLs.

That's like arresting Eliot Spitzer for indecent exposure while he is wearing a suit.  - DvF

[amlithist]

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church
services, when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in
the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: "Stop! Acts
2:38!" (Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ, so that
your sins may be forgiven.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police
and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar: "Why
did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to
you."*

"Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an Ax and Two 38s!"