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[rockprof]

Thought I'd start a new academic joke thread.  Here's one to get started...


A student comes to a young professor’s office hours.

She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly.”I would
do anything to pass this exam,” she says.

She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, and gazes meaningfully into
his eyes. “I mean,” she whispers, “I would do anything...”

He returns her gaze, “Anything?””Anything.”

His voice softens, “Anything?”

“Anything,” she repeats again.

His voice turns to a whisper. “Would you ... study?”

[fiona]

There are no jokes about deans.

The Fiona

[notaprof]

Some deans are jokes.

[rockprof]

A woman walks into the bedroom and says, "John, it is time to get up and get ready for school." Then she walks out. 15 minutes later the woman goes back into the bedroom. "John, this is your last warning! You have to get up NOW!" 10 minutes later the woman returns to the bedroom where John has pulled the blankets over his head. "John, I have just about had it. If you don't hurry you will be late for school. Now get up or you will be in big trouble." 5 minutes later the woman is back in the bedroom. "Now John, this is it. You must get up RIGHT NOW!" John stirs under the blankets and whines, "But none of the students like me. Actually, none of the professors like me either. I don't want to go." "But John," the woman exclaims, "you have to go - you're the dean!"

[fiona]

OK, there are no jokes about provosts or coaches.

The Fiona

[yemaya]

This one's from The Humor Archives:

During an examination one day a bright young Cambridge University student popped up and asked the proctor to bring him Cakes and Ale. The following dialog ensued:

Proctor: I beg your pardon?

Student: Sir, I request that you bring me Cakes and Ale.

Proctor: Sorry, no.

Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me Cakes and Ale.

At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred year old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section which read (rough translation from the Latin):

"Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require Cakes and Ale".

Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his examination and happily slurping away.

Three weeks later the student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination.

[magistra]

Apparently you can "have it your way".  If you don't mind wearing a sword.

[notaprof]

OK, there are no jokes about provosts or coaches.

The Fiona

THE PROVOST
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a locomotive
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Gives policy to God

THE DEAN
Leaps short buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a switch engine
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
Walks on water if sea is calm
Talks with God

PROFESSOR
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds
Is almost as powerful a switch engine
Is faster than a speeding BB
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
Talks with God if a special request is honored

ASSOCIATE PROFESSOR
Barely clears a quonset hut
Loses tug of war with a locomotive
Can fire a speeding bullet
Swims well
Is occasionally addressed by God

ASSISTANT PROFESSOR
Makes high marks on the walls when trying to leap tall buildings
Is run over by locomotives
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
Treads water
Talks to animals

INSTRUCTOR
Climbs walls continually
Rides the rails
Plays russian roulette
Walks on thin ice
Prays a lot

GRADUATE STUDENT
Runs into buildings
Recognizes locomotives two out of three times
Is not issued ammunition
Can stay afloat with a life jacket
Talks to walls

UNDERGRADUATE STUDENT
Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings
Says "Look at the choo-choo"
Wets himself with a water pistol
Plays in mud puddles
Mumbles to himself

THE COACH
Picks up tall buildings and walks under them
Knocks locomotives off track when sneezes
Catches speeding bullets in teeth for fun
Parts large bodies of water
Is God (at most NCAA schools anyway)

[hegemony]

How many graduate students does it take to change a lightbulb?

One, but it takes him eight years.