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[d_w_s]

All of these posts about two-body issues are great, and very helpful. Yet, I have not seen much mention of people juggling the issue of families (beyond the spouse/SO/kids):  What to do when your family lives in one state, your SO's family lives in another (8 hours apart!) and you're looking for jobs in totally different regions from either family?
I am getting significant pressure from both families to yes, go out there and get that awesome job/salary/prestige, but 'couldn't you just be closer to home'?
not to mention the SO being away from friends/family for the first extended time ever.
Please help, this dilemma is terrible!  How could I possibly pursue a TT job when I know that the call to home is so strong, it could affect my relationships with friends/family/SO and awesome job?
Anybody else struggling with this many-body issue?

[larryc]

You can hope you get lucky, but really it is more likely that you have to choose between your family and your career. What do you do about this? You choose.

I hope that does not sound cold, but really it is the truth. And it is not unique to our profession, lots of people move for economic opportunity, it is and always has been the American way.

[hrvatski18]

Yes, yes, many times yes!

I'm an only child, and my parents are starting to show signs of their age.  I'm also the only person in my extended family who has moved away from our home city.  The family is unusually tight-knit in this day age.  I'm talking "grandmother lives in the same house she grew up in / her brother lives next door / my parents and my aunt and uncle are within walking distance."   The rest of the family doesn't understand why I can't find a job closer to home, and I'd love to go back home.

SO *hates* my home city.  SO is from a different city, 5-6 hours away.   SO's family isn't as tight knit as mine but exerts pressure on us to join them, nonetheless.  

We've so far compromised, and we're at a middle-of-nowhere institution that is almost halfway between both families.   We visit each family for a weekend about once every other month.  We divide and conquer at holidays.   I've made it pretty much clear that I intend to return home once my parents need elder care.  There's no one to help out but me.   SO seems to accept it, although not without some grousing, and has explored options in industry in my home city.   But so far we haven't needed to make that change just yet.   In a few more years, we will have to.

[d_w_s]

compromise. . .i think i've heard of that word before!
woe the career-minded woman who has yet to procreate~

[nanoo]

I thought this thread was going to be about polyamory. Oh well.

Good luck all the same, Maggiesimpson.

[msparticularity]

We had an additional issue, which was the commitment to a high-school aged child while I was in grad school. When I got divorced, when she was a small child, I decided (and promised her) that I would stay nearby so that her father and I could share custody. That meant I had to do my grad work at our local State U, which was a significant compromise for me. It also exerted pressure for me to do some really good writing and publish quickly, so I could be competitive on the job market as soon as my daughter graduated!

Both MrP's and my families are mostly on the West Coast, and they would all definitely like for us to stay fairly close. However, the way things are working out it's looking more and more like we'll be in the Midwest this time next year. I am, though, keeping in mind the idea that if I can do very good work, I may be able to parlay that into a job that is nearer family next time around - maybe 3-5 years from now?

[canadia]

I thought this thread was going to be about polyamory. Oh well.

Me too!

Monogamy is too cruel a rule... ;)

[magistra]

As parents get older, they may be more willing to move to your hometown so as to be near you (and any grandchildren).  Not perfect, but as their friends die off, they can't make it up the steps and have to move out of their house anyway, they may see the wisdom in coming to where you are.  Why should you have to give up your great job, your spouse's happiness, take your children out of school, etc.  There are other options.

[daniel_von_flanagan]

I thought this thread was going to be about polyamory. Oh well.

Me too!

And me.

OP, this is something many of us have gone through; it has been a fact of life for academics since its ecclesiastical days.  It is very difficult in many ways: your children do not get the benefit of close contact with the rest of the family, and elder care is a logistical nightmare.  Both of my parents died thousands of miles from me. 

However, the job of the parents is to launch their children into an independent life, and your parents clearly understand this: they applaud your careers, however much they wish they were closer.  Honor them by doing what is best for you. - DvF

[catstory]

My spouse, toddler and I live about 13 hours from "home," which means from the area where we grew up about four hours apart. I am about to go up for tenure and she is finishing up the terminal degree. SOOO much pressure from both sides of the fam to be closer, and we want our son to know his cousins and grandparents well. But my spouse is also getting the pressure from her professors to hit the job market hard. It's kinda of hard since for me it's kinda of like been-there-done-that (we met after I was already TT at the U where she's getting an MFA in a totally different field), and I can't rationalize giving up a TT for her to get a foot in the door with a VAP. I'm hoping that getting another TT in the area where her parents are and where there is a big art scene and many universities and an lecture position for her (even if it is not in her focus area) will work out in the end. I don't think I can deal with many more years of "so when you moving back to..." esp. when I do want to move back. One problem is that you need to educate your family how the academic job market works. I think my father in law thought  it was weird that I couldn't just up and get a position at the flagship state university nearby whenever I wanted to. On the flip side I feel the disappointment from my father who was a prof for 30 plus years at another big U when I told him that I am looking at SLACs  in order to move back (plus I like teaching a little more than lots of publication pressure). It's a hard deal. But how hard can it be when I'm doing free therapy on the computer, sipping a vodka soda, and I don't have to work until tomorrow afternoon?  Anyway, good luck.

[d_w_s]

Catstory, you're right, there is a lot of 'education' that happens when you clue in family on the issues involving academic hires. I am a little weary of explaining this over and over to various family member's and SO's people.
I absolutely appreciate all of your stories above -- keep them coming! however anonymous, this makes me feel as if there are people with shared concerns, and I feel less like a floating island. 
I want to think that if I can achieve a position of leverage in my academic field, one day I will be able to go to my home state and negotiate a TT job to be nearer to my family (though that won't solve the fact that my SO's family will still live 8+ hours away!).

[larryc]

I have shared this before but here is what I have told my mother and mother-in-law:

"I teach XX history. That is what my specialty is and that is the only thing I am going to get hired to do. Each college needs at most one XX historian. And if they need one, they have one, who may keep her job for the next 40 years. Now I know you would like me to get a job at college-down-the-road, and so would I. So here is what you can do to help. Find the person there who teaches XX history. Kill them."

[the_honey_badger]

I have shared this before but here is what I have told my mother and mother-in-law:

"I teach XX history. That is what my specialty is and that is the only thing I am going to get hired to do. Each college needs at most one XX historian. And if they need one, they have one, who may keep her job for the next 40 years. Now I know you would like me to get a job at college-down-the-road, and so would I. So here is what you can do to help. Find the person there who teaches XX history. Kill them."

Pretty much verbatim the discussion I had with my late father-in-law. That ended the "wishing out loud" monologues every Christmas. Yes, I would LOVE to come home but the gal in "my" job looks pretty healthy and good for another 20 years.

[fiona]

Did you all know these things when you went in academia?

If not, do you tell these things to grad students and undergrads?

It sounds cold, but people really shouldn't go into academia if they believe they can reconcile all these people. They can't, and it would be better to know that before spending years and mountains of debt.

The Fiona

[daniel_von_flanagan]

Being driving distance from your family - even 8-13 hours - is a fabulous luxury, for which people should be grateful.

I was 3 badly-connecting flights and a long drive from my mother when she passed away.  My grandparents came over from Europe in steerage and basically had to say goodbye forever to their family in the old country, so I can't complain.  - DvF