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[yadayada]

Sooo...we've been trying to solve the dual career problem for 4 years or so. We've been commuting between the coasts for a couple of years now.
I am tenured at a top university with great pay. My SO is tt in a top dept with good pay (about half of my pay). There are no openings in my field near his location (which we dislike, btw); my SO has been applying to  academic jobs near me in the past 2 yrs, but it is increasingly likely that he won't get anything on the tt here this year (we already tried to be both on the market jointly in earlier years, with no satisfying outcome and lots of resistance on the part of universities).
I see two options:
We could financially afford to keep commuting and keep two apartments etc...and keep looking. Since we are both in top places, something might happen eventually (since SO is in a field with huge start up funds, having me go on the market as a "star" and negotiating a tt position for him would be unlikely).
OR: SO gives up his tt and takes a postdoc type position nearby. On my salary, we would be financially fine, though his ego would take a hit and he might resent me forever (although he has always said he would be willing to do that).
Should I be pushing for the second option? I am getting up there in years (mid 30s), and would like to try having a baby before it's too late. However, I don't want to go through pregnancy and child rearing by myself (or relying on weekend visits and vacations). In short, I want to settle down, buy a house, have a family. The uncertainty and stress of the jobmarket every year is killing me.

[hrvatski18]

Then why not seriously explore the option of your SO giving up his TT and accepting a post-doc or something similar near you?   If he's said for years that he'd entertain such a notion, then maybe your fear that he will grow to resent you is unfounded?   Does SO share your desire for house and children and for both in the near future?   If so, then it sounds like something has to give.

It makes no sense in my mind for you to give up your position.  You're tenured, with great pay, at a top institution.   Trifecta!   

Is he willing to move into industry?   Is he willing to teach rather than research?   He can always explore CCs and high schools.   

[larryc]

I would. I would move to be near my wife and start figuring our what else to do with my life. Or so I say here--never having had to make such a decision!

This is really tough, but it seems to me that after four years it is time for a hard call. Could you ask to meet your dean and say "I NEED a job for my spouse or I am going to have to go on the market?"

[yadayada]

Thanks for the opinions so far...
My uni does not have any department in his field. But, he could easily get a postdoc nearby (they are cheap labor, and he is obviously more than qualified and has connections). I do think we should start contacting people about a postdoc soon, though, because the money can't be found at the last minute. SO is less willing to think about this (still has hopes that a tt position might work out).
Yes, SO wants kids, perhaps more so than me - but I get a feeling that he doesn't get the urgency (his mother had him in her 40's). I've shown him the stats, and he was quite shocked. Overall, he is happier with the current situation than I am - that much is clear. If I don't push hard for 2), I am sure he would continue with the status quo. I do understand that 2) could essentially mean the end of his career, and leave him in a permanent postdoc type position. I really do hate to be doing that to him (he just loooves his work), hence my hesitiation.

[secretweapon]

Could he take a leave of absence from his TT and come and live near you for a while?  That might give you a chance to start a family, figure out his options in your area, and put pressure on various parties (like your dean). 

[sciencephd]

You said your SO is in a field requiring big startup funds.  That means big grants are also probably part of the picture.  Does he have good grant funding ?  If not, perhaps this is inhibiting his job search ?

[th8trepp]

Never ever give up.  My wife and I, after waiting for seven years and being apart for one year teaching at colleges in different states- have both landed tenure track jobs in the same city - and we are both in the Arts!

[secretweapon]

Never ever give up.  My wife and I, after waiting for seven years and being apart for one year teaching at colleges in different states- have both landed tenure track jobs in the same city - and we are both in the Arts!

Wow!  Well done!

[yadayada]

Thanks for the thoughtful comments!
Hmm...SO has plenty of funding - but so far as a Co-PI only (last year, the first year on the tt, no outside funding).
We've thought of asking for an unpaid leave - but doubt that he would get it (it would be obvious why he is asking for one)...

[theotherspouse]

Hmm . . . and I thought our position was tough (when one spouse already has the dream job).  I can't even imagine how you work this out when you both have a great job, but the situation isn't workable long term.  Best of luck to you.

[helpful]

Isn't there anything at a university closer to you; something within driving distance? I can't believe there isn't.

[heronhouse]

OP, I sympathize.  I am in my mid-30s as well and have felt my biological clock at war with our dual couple career ambitions.  My husband is many years younger than I am, and though he wants children and rationally gets the increasing difficulty of me having them, it has been hard for him to really *feel* the urgency.  So, one personal suggestion along those lines: have you taken him with you to a doctor's appointment?  Hearing my doctor's perspective on these issues really helped my husband feel the urgency.  (As my doctor put it, you can control your career to an extent; you can't control your fertility at all.  She also asked, what would you do if you found out you were pregnant today?)  Sure, this sounds more like a counseling session, but if you have a good relationship with your doctor, an honest discussion between the three of you about the statistics, strategies, and consequences might be really helpful.

[wonderland]

For the OP, I would suggest that both of you don't give up going on the market again. As I have mentioned elsewhere, this is my first year on the job market as an ABD in the humanities and my SO holds a tt position in a top program of a different field at a R1. The two R1 universities which offered me jobs this year both created a tt position for my SO within a few weeks. Undoubtedly, you and your SO have far more impressive records in terms of teaching and publications, and presumably will have a much better chance to land new jobs and then push for a spousal hire. The caveat is that both of you might need seriously consider the possibility of moving to a "less prestigious" R1 (or with less salary) than what you have had in order to solve the two body problem. If either of you gets two offers of similar academic standing, one of them might be more willing to accommodate your SO in order to outbid the competing school. In the end, one or both of you might have to make some concessions in terms of the prestige or income of your position(s), but it seems to be a better option than giving up a tt for a postdoc or the like.