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[camera]

I posted in "In the Classroom" about an awful class I'm teaching and how it has been incredibly demoralizing. So, the class (and past experiences) has made me realize that I probably shouldn't be teaching.  Well, here is my problem. I am tentatively scheduled to defend my diss in May. I am currently working on my (hopefully) last revisions. But I just don't care anymore. Since I probably won't end up in academia, I cannot get myself to even finish this thing. 
I realize this is probably a bout of depression or just the impostor syndrome lurking, but I should be writing right now and instead have spent the day looking through CHE posts.  Anyone else going through a bout of inertia or an overall sense of defeat?

[sleepdeprived]

Don't let one bad class ruin your career.  I had a class from hell once, and a few students managed to torpedo my numbers in the evals that year.  But a year later, one of the better students from that class showed up in another class I taught.  We got to know each other fairly well since it was a small class and near the end of the semester I admitted that I was surprised he'd signed up to take my class again, since the prereq he'd been in had not seemed like a good experience.  He said that he liked my teaching style, and thought that a few people had made asses of themselves but the rest of the class merely disliked the hellraisers.  It was still a terrible semester, but with time I've got some perspective on it.  Also, I learned some valuable lessons on classroom management.

Try to put the bad class behind you for now, learn from it later, and finish the diss.  A PhD will open doors for you even if you leave academe, which, at this point, I don't think you ought to decide. 

[larryc]

Don't let one bad class ruin your career.

Exactly. And even if you right that teaching is not for you, finish that PhD! You have rolled a giant rock up a very long hill, and one more push will put it over the top. It would be ridiculous to let the rock roll back down to where you found it a dozen years ago. A PhD can open all kinds of unexpected doors for you in the future.

[englitprof]

Both my husband and I nearly threw in the towel the last year of dissertating, doubting that either of us wanted to continue in academe (I was thinking about becoming a dog trainer).  I suspect this is a very natural feeling for you to be having right now, especially considering the lousy time you're having teaching this semester.  Grit your teeth and finish.  Even if you do leave academe, you will still have this accomplishment behind you.

[mathguy]

camera,


Take one step at a time.

Finish the Ph.D. You have invested much time and energy into it. Just a little further and then, it will be 'Dr. camera'!

Once this is done, then you can evaluate future options with regards to career, etc.

Hang in there! Remember that often times, it is the turtle who wins the race and not the rabbit!


All the best,

mathguy

I posted in "In the Classroom" about an awful class I'm teaching and how it has been incredibly demoralizing. So, the class (and past experiences) has made me realize that I probably shouldn't be teaching.  Well, here is my problem. I am tentatively scheduled to defend my diss in May. I am currently working on my (hopefully) last revisions. But I just don't care anymore. Since I probably won't end up in academia, I cannot get myself to even finish this thing. 
I realize this is probably a bout of depression or just the impostor syndrome lurking, but I should be writing right now and instead have spent the day looking through CHE posts.  Anyone else going through a bout of inertia or an overall sense of defeat?

[namazu]

I'm not in that situation, but I would encourage you to finish.  You're so close!  Regardless of what you eventually end up doing - and leaving the academic environment for something you find more fulfilling is a great idea, if it doesn't inspire you anymore - finishing the degree at this point would probably be good both for a sense of closure and for the boost in pay it could (but won't necessarily) provide at some point. 

It sounds like there are a few things going on:
- end of dissertation fatigue
- general discomfort/uncertainty/dissatisfaction (<-?) with the idea of pursuing an academic career
- lack of confidence and/or interest in teaching

The first one is temporary, and while it may feel debilitating, it will end.  Ideally, it will end with you getting hooded (either literally, or if you're not into ceremonies, then figuratively) in May.  If you just can't do it, then it will fade away.  Are you in a program where you can bail with a master's if you don't finish your dissertation, or have you already earned a master's somewhere else?  Have you been on the dissertation writers' support thread?  There are many people there who can relate!

The other two concerns are probably more difficult, and I imagine they are gnawing at you a bit more.  "What do I wish to do with my life?" is a difficult question, especially when you come to realize that what you thought you wanted to do doesn't inspire you, or doesn't match your expectations, or isn't realistic given the brutality of the job market.  If you can figure out what it is you would rather be doing, or whether you could continue doing some aspects of what you are doing (research, teaching) in settings that suit your interests and strengths better, that might help.  I don't have any great suggestions on that front, but finding out what other people have done and where you might apply your skills in a more satisfying way might be a place to start.  On the other hand, simply getting the dissertation monkey off your back may feel surprisingly liberating, and help you feel refreshed and reinvigorated.

(I missed the teaching concerns discussion, so scrap this if irrelevant, but it may simply be a matter of experience, if the problem is a lack of confidence in the classroom, or of the luck of the draw.  Maybe future classes will be more responsive to your style, and you will have a better time with them.  Maybe you can get feedback or suggestions from colleagues, books, websites, etc. on strategies for classroom management that will help you in future semesters.  If you just don't like teaching, or don't like students, well, that's another story.) 

Meanwhile, do you have a group of friends, a sympathetic mentor in your program, or a counselor you could talk to?  it might help to thrash things out with someone in person. 

Best of luck with whatever you decide to do! 

[msmommy]

It might just be a bout of depression.  Seriously, not all teaching positions will be filled with the students from hades.

It is winter and for me I get SADD.  If you think it is depression here are some things that might help elevate your mood and aid you to move forward w your writing.  It will take about a week for them to kick in.

- Vit B complex
- Magnesium
- Cod Liver Oil for natural Vit D
- Zinc
- Selenium

If you have the time read Julia Ross - The Mood Cure or The Diet Cure, it's about 2 hrs worth of reading give or take.  I'm usually interupted so it takes longer.

[zharkov]

I posted in "In the Classroom" about an awful class I'm teaching and how it has been incredibly demoralizing. So, the class (and past experiences) has made me realize that I probably shouldn't be teaching. 

Poppycock, OP.  Your classroom problem is just a matter of picking up some skills, something you can easily do when you have the energy, which may not be now.  Keep on truckin' and you'll look back at this jerk in a year or two with amusement.  Don't make trivial BS like this all existential. 

[crowie]

Camera, I don't want to take away from how you feel.  The class you described in the other thread sounds very difficult, very challenging, and it is clearly causing you serious pain and anguish.  As a fellow dissertator and teacher I empathize, I really do.  But your reaction--to decide that you just shouldn't be a teacher--sounds like a very dramatic response to the situation.  Your thinking sounds very 'all or nothing.' You seem to think  "Either I'm a great teacher, competent, get everything right the first time, know exactly how to deal with bullies in my class right from day one, OR, I am a failure and have no business being here and should throw in the towel."  The truth is, there is no reason why you need to decide today, this instance, that you are or are not cut out for a career as a college teacher.  Another truth is that almost no one knows how to be a great teacher, with perfect control over the classroom, from day one.  99% of us are learning on the job.  Give yourself time, and most of all, give yourself some sympathy.  Acknowledge to yourself and to (trustworthy) others that things are tough for you right now.  Reach out to trusted mentors.  A number of people have actually suggested this in the other thread (visit the classes of others, ask your chair/supervisor for support etc.) but I haven't heard you mention that you have tried this.  Consider making an appointment with a counselor or therapist, perhaps starting by exploring the on-campus options if your campus has a counseling center.  Especially at this stressful time you need to be nurtured and and supported.  Make a point of spending time with people who make you feel that way.  You may decide, after a long period of reflection and thought, that you really don't want to be a college teacher and that this isn't what you want to do as a career, but I think you would be more at peace with this decision if you gave yourself some time and TLC before coming to such a conclusion.  In the meantime, you might surprise yourself.