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[docmaa]

Before i get any harsh responses:

For the fact that it is unethical and wrong, i have come to the realization that i like my PhD (vice versa) supervisor more than just a professional relationship as evident by some interpersonal things that has occurred the past 3 weeks.  Just flirting ! we are also the same age (43).. this is in the medical field

Its unethical to cross that boundary and secondly he is a married man with kids. I want this supervisor relationship to work as he is one of the best in our fields. For one i share an office space with him which in the coming week, that will  change as i need to grow in my field without him always over my shoulder. Desk space is a premium where we are and so initially since i was only going to spend  2 days at the  office then sharing an office was OK.

Second i need to not think so much about what he says and read more into it.  Every email i dissect to see is there a hidden meaning. He has told me to not read too much into his emails.

The solution to the problem is getting another supervisor which is not feasible at the moment. However to protect my self, i will need to come up with ways of just being a professional colleague and nothing else. no discussing of outside interests.

I think outside of the PhD context and if not married we could be friends. However as this is more than distracting my task at hand, i want to say to him, stop flirting and behave like a supervisor.

please .. i know he is married..

[polly_mer]

I guess the question is whether you think he will act on the flirting or whether it is just fun.

When I was in this situation, we both acknowledged that were we both single, we would probably be a great couple.  However, since we were both happily married to other people, nothing could ever come of it.

Therefore, we have always been very careful about boundaries.  We still work together, but we are never alone behind closed doors.  The only time we have ever touched was the hug at graduation just after he hooded me.   

We are still close collaborators and friends.  When we meet for lunch, we usually take students or family along with us.  His wife has become one of my dear friends because I see her so often.

Attraction can be managed if both parties are in agreement, but if you can't trust him or yourself to respect proper boundaries, then it would be better to start looking for a new supervisor before you cross an ethical line.

[docmaa]

Thanks for those useful comments. Frankly i try my best to not be in room  alone by ourselves. I know that my own moral makeup says i would not jeopardize his relationship, my career, his career for a relationship. However, i need to extricate myself from my own feelings and stick to what i feel is a good collaboration thus far.
He has even invited me up to his farm to meet his wife and kids.

I think we both can respect boundaries but i must say the attraction is strong! i am only human.!

[polly_mer]

I think we both can respect boundaries but i must say the attraction is strong! i am only human.!

I know (oh, how I know).  A big reason we are never alone together is that I don't trust myself.  It's much easier not to cross the line if you never have the opportunity to be within 50 feet of the line.

Good luck!

[amazona2]

Sometimes it works to defang the feelings. Much of what we experience in situations like this is due to projecting other feelings unto the other person. What I mean is that mind melding and close quarters can cause one to confuse excitement for the work and how much it means to us to the other person. Admiration, respect, and gratitude can all feel like something bigger. Just something to think about.

[scheherazade]

Second i need to not think so much about what he says and read more into it.  Every email i dissect to see is there a hidden meaning. He has told me to not read too much into his emails.

May I ask how this came up, and why he told you not to read too much into his emails?

[mdwlark]

The fact that he has told you to not read too much into his emails suggests that you have openly commented to him that his emails seem flirtatious.  I personally would have handled it by not commenting on it at all and by pretending to be clueless, or joking back in a way that is clearly nonsexual.  Then I could continue to hold my end up on professional behavior in the relationship. 

Does he act this way with everyone?  The question is, are you overreacting to innocent playfulness?  If so, to turn your own words on you, maybe you need to stop flirting and fantasizing and behave like an employee.  Or the opposite, are you uncomfortable because he is genuinely being provocative and seductive and then denying it?  That would mean you have good radar and a good warning system, but need to find a way to maintain your professional boundaries in spite of his behavior. 

Maybe you need to own how much of the sexual tension is coming from you.  Whatever you do, don't screw this up, literally and figuratively.   
 

[docmaa]

Thanks for your comments. I don't intend to screw this up literally and figuratively.  i respect my supervisor and what he has to contribute to my research. At the same time i also respect what i have achieved in my field and will not jeopardize it. I think the feelings are mutual but i will not act on it neither will my supervisor.

[mdwlark]

I guess I was a little harsh in how I stated that, but a colleague of mine was in this same  situation--it is uncanny how similar--and she destroyed her career over it.  You sound a lot wiser than my colleague.  Neither my colleague nor her supervisor acted directly on the sexual tension, and I don't think the supervisor ever would have.  There were late nights going over data, and long conversations, and she made an issue of how uncomfortable she was and insisted on changing advisors. 

She ended up failing her proposal defense and was pressured into leaving her doctoral program without a degree.  I doubt the proposal was all that bad.  It was at a university with a religious affiliation where moral reputations matter, and I think the entire department didn't like having a very respected professor get "dissed" unjustly.  I don't think my colleague could get a positive reference from anyone in the department, and she never entered another doctoral program.  Even if your supervisor is crossing the line and being a little inappropriate, the bottom line is, students are expendable and tenured professors are not, and there is danger in staying, but much to be lost if you leave a really positive professional relationship.   These opportunities are golden.  Good luck working it out.

[maude_lebowski]

Don't take this the wrong way, but you need to stop writing yourself as a submissive.  You will not accomplish any of the tasks you have set for yourself with this mindset permeating your mode of self representation in this professional environment.

Your "outside interests" are obvious.

[dr_dre]

I am battling the urge to post the "Hot for Teacher" video in this thread. I think these issues are all too common, and there have been a few threads here probing the question of why it is that we lumpy academics so often find each other so attractive. Crushing can be fun, but keep your eyes on the right prize. I hope you find a good workable solution, OP.

[tenured_feminist]

I'm really confused. You seem to be unclear as to what you are seeing from your supervisor even to the point of not seeing the lack of clarity yourself.

First things first: what are the lines? It's not unethical to be attracted to another person. Nor is it unethical to have a friendly relationship with your dissertation advisor. It is a bad idea on a student's part and unethical on an advisor's part to carry on a sexual relationship, marriage or no. Don't turn this into a psychodrama with the wife and kids and the horrible guilt of betrayal or being the Other Woman -- that's a red herring. This is about your career and his career.

What is the empirical evidence you have that there's a mutual attraction here? Is it possible that your advisor is just a nice guy who likes to see his students as human beings? I must say that if I were intent upon seduction, inviting the target out to the farm with the fam would not be my first move. Nor would I tell the target not to read too much into emails. This to me suggests that he is trying gently to let you know that he only wants a professional, friendly relationship and he's uncomfortable with the signals he's getting from you.

I think you also need to engage in some more self reflection. You say your own moral make up would never allow you to cross the line, but then you say that you're only human and you're afraid to be alone with him. Which is it?

I don't want to be too harsh here, but it sounds like you're excited by the whole idea of surfing close to the boundaries and potentially getting swept away by something that's bigger than both of you. But as Meadowlark points out, life isn't a romance novel and the consequences for messing up when you play these kinds of titillating games are pretty drastic.

So. Do some really serious reality checking about the nature of the attraction -- whose side it is on. If you don't think you can work with the guy without making a pass at him, then by all means figure out another path to your degree. And do the guy the favor of assuming that he's completely above board here unless you have some real evidence that he isn't.

[contemporary_]

Docmaa,
Your past posts suggest you moved to a new country last year, with a partner.  Am I correct in assuming that relationship has ended?

Also, it seems you were having a conflict with your supervisor a month ago.  I get the impression the past three weeks have not been a flirtation, but him trying to set your mind at ease with more harmonious interactions.

If I am correct, perhaps you might seek social contacts outside of the work environment, and/or some help with processing your recent separation.

Good luck.

Also, please use standard punctuation and capitalization on the fora.

[kissa_mau]

I think these issues are all too common, and there have been a few threads here probing the question of why it is that we lumpy academics so often find each other so attractive. Crushing can be fun, but keep your eyes on the right prize. I hope you find a good workable solution, OP.

This is it, right here. You know what you need to do. You'll probably never know exactly what he's thinking or if its mutual, and you do not want to know, nor would it even matter. Keep your distance when you're feeling confused, try to focus on all of his least attractive attributes, and keep everything as professional as possible.

[scheherazade]

I think T_F and Contemporary have hit the nail on the head here.  Listen closely and take their advice.