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[ctathame]

I'm struck by a great sense of guilt because I am planning on declining an offer of admission to a PhD program in which one particular professor knows me quite well and has campaigned strongly in my support. He's a tremendous scholar, and I would love to work with him, but the rest of the department is somewhat subpar compared to two other programs into which I've been accepted. I just feel bad because this particular professor keeps in touch with me regularly and mentions how he would like to have me study with him. This sounds so pathetic, but how can I turn down someone who has been so supportive of me without looking entirely ungrateful? In the end, I'm sure he understands, but it's difficult to say no nonetheless.

[croaker]

No reason not to keep a good relationship with him and perhaps even collaborate on projects. Having an outside letter writer when you apply for jobs can be a plus as well.

[floopydrive]

Thank him sincerely for his help and move on where its better for your career. Do maintain the contact as our professional world is much smaller than it seems. After a few years you might be headed in his direction for a PostDoc, one never knows.

[captain_obvious]

I had exactly this situation last year.  I wrote a nice email expressing my regret at not being able to accept the offer and reiterating how much I had enjoyed our conversations.  I stressed that I hoped we would find ways to keep in touch and work together in the future.

He was extremely gracious and even offered that, were he in my shoes, he'd probably have made the same choice.

And you know what?  It's been fine.  We met at our field's national conference and had a nice dinner.



Most people are not petty and will appreciate the difficult choices you face.  Those are the people you really want on your side.

[katherineparr]

And if he reacts badly to the good advice the Captain provides, you will know that he wasn't a good choice for an advisor anyway. Some faculty collect acolytes more than students.

[the_honey_badger]

If this person is a bit of a "star" (of whatever brightness) in a department that is "sub-par" or mediocre, he or she knows that. Certainly that prof wants some *good* students, but unless completely delusional, also understands the realities of the job market and the broader profession.  The advice you got (and I'm someone in such a department with a few "bright lights" so I've watched this play out)  is good.  Write to the person (or call if you feel comfortable doing so) and tell him or her how much their support has meant, how much you respect them professionally but, with all offers in hand and a decision to make, that you feel you have to go with X University. And, again, that you hope you can stay in touch.

Yes, the person might well feel "another one got away..." in some sense but they will wish you well because choice of program does matter for your future.  If said person doesn't then it clearly is a case of a "dodged bullet" because they are thinking of themselves and that would continue through all transactions. 

I think it admirable that you care that someone spent time and effort and that you feel you owe him or her recognition of that. In the end you must do what is best for you. How you do that though speaks to your character.

[a_salika]

Hello,

I seem to have a similiar dilemma like yours, basically I applied to a lot of programs (nine to be exact) with little expectations and so far have been accepted to all of the universities I have heard from until now. I have been in close contact with a number of professors and also recently attended a recruitment weekend. Why do I feel this intense guilt about declining a very generous offer from a top university, especially since I've had a great exchange with a certain professor there?

Also, could someone please comment upon the ethics of accepting an offer to attend a recruitment weekend (for a school I have been accepted to) when I am not sure I want to attend the school and am seriously in contact with another school although have not yet given my final acceptance? Of course, I haven't visited either school so cannot really be sure about either one, so in this case, is it ethical to go to the recruitment weekend (note: the trip is all expenses paid and I am overseas). It's a long trip to the school and back, I don't want to waste their time or my time, but I would lstill ike to give it a chance, although l have my doubts. Is it justified to accept the invitation and go in order to clear my doubts even if I don't end up accepting although I may end up falling in love with it, I won't know until I go?

Thanks

[katherineparr]

Well, if you're truly undecided, then you *should* go. This is their chance to show you their best face, and I think you have no ethical problem letting them do it.

You never know - it might be wonderful.

[captain_obvious]

The whole point of a recruitment weekend is to, well, recruit you.  It's not a weekend for students who have accepted their offer-- it's a weekend for people whom they want to accept their offer.  In other words, a weekend for people exactly like you.

Go.  There is absolutely no ethics question here.  Virtually everyone else you meet at these events will be undecided too.  You'll be comparing notes about which other schools people were accepted at, what their weekends were like, etc.  This is totally standard.


Congratulations!

[red_queen]

Agreed. This is precisely the point of a recruitment weekend.

[euges116]

I'm struck by a great sense of guilt because I am planning on declining an offer of admission to a PhD program in which one particular professor knows me quite well and has campaigned strongly in my support. He's a tremendous scholar, and I would love to work with him, but the rest of the department is somewhat subpar compared to two other programs into which I've been accepted. I just feel bad because this particular professor keeps in touch with me regularly and mentions how he would like to have me study with him. This sounds so pathetic, but how can I turn down someone who has been so supportive of me without looking entirely ungrateful? In the end, I'm sure he understands, but it's difficult to say no nonetheless.

Wow. Are you me? 'Cause I'm in the exact same situation as you are.

I have a few acceptances so far, and one of them, they're pursuing me a great deal. It's a growing school, going up in rankings each and every year (it has tons of money). And with that money, they're giving me a very sweet deal as well (to be exact, $30,000 a year). They're seriously trying to pursue me. The professor I've been talking to is trying to persuade me to come and all.

But also like yourself, the program, it's a good fit, but not the best fit. This professor is outstanding, but the overall department is a bit too "practical," where I want more focus on the "theoretical." The professor I've talked to assured that of course, they do a lot of the theoretical stuff as well, and I could pursue my own things, with support/guidance/advice from him and the other faculty. But put in another way, it's not the "best" program for me to belong.

So, I'm kinda leaning towards rejecting the offer, and accept another school (less money, but a much better fit). It's hard. That school is trying its best to recruit the best students, so they can increase their rankings as well (after all, placements help with rankings A LOT). It's hard to turn the offer down when they've been so kind and shown their interest in you in more ways than many other schools. And in some ways, if I go to this school, I could make a strong contribution, but it would also be at the expense of my career. Which has both benefits and disadvantages. You seriously have to weigh them before making a commitment for 5+ years in a PhD program.

And oh, I haven't made my decision yet. So hard!!!

[euges116]

I'm struck by a great sense of guilt because I am planning on declining an offer of admission to a PhD program in which one particular professor knows me quite well and has campaigned strongly in my support. He's a tremendous scholar, and I would love to work with him, but the rest of the department is somewhat subpar compared to two other programs into which I've been accepted. I just feel bad because this particular professor keeps in touch with me regularly and mentions how he would like to have me study with him. This sounds so pathetic, but how can I turn down someone who has been so supportive of me without looking entirely ungrateful? In the end, I'm sure he understands, but it's difficult to say no nonetheless.

Wow. Are you me? 'Cause I'm in the exact same situation as you are.

I have a few acceptances so far, and one of them, they're pursuing me a great deal. It's not anywhere near the best school yet, but it's a growing school, going up in rankings each and every year (it has tons of money). And with that money, they're giving me a very sweet deal as well (to be exact, $30,000 a year). They're seriously trying to pursue me. The professor I've been talking to is trying to persuade me to come and all.

But also like yourself, the program, it's a good fit, but not the best fit. This professor is outstanding, but the overall department is a bit too "practical," where I want more focus on the "theoretical." The professor I've talked to assured that of course, they do a lot of the theoretical stuff as well, and I could pursue my own things, with support/guidance/advice from him and the other faculty. But put in another way, it's not the "best" program for me to belong.

So, I'm kinda leaning towards rejecting the offer, and accept another school (less money, but a much better fit). It's hard. That school is trying its best to recruit the best students, so they can increase their rankings as well (after all, placements help with rankings A LOT). It's hard to turn the offer down when they've been so kind and shown their interest in you in more ways than many other schools. And in some ways, if I go to this school, I could make a strong contribution, but it would also be at the expense of my career. Which has both benefits and disadvantages. You seriously have to weigh them before making a commitment for 5+ years in a PhD program.

And oh, I haven't made my decision yet. So hard!!!

[a_salika]

Thanks for the feedback. The only ethical issue I wonder about is that two of the schools that have invited me for the recruitment weekend are close by each other. One is a fancy private school and the other is a top public university. The private school will pay for all of my travel expenses (from overseas, not a cheap ticket) while the public school offered a very small amount for my expenses, which could hardly cover the taxi ride from the airport.

I must admit that I am more interested in the public school but am willing to give the private one a chance, they're strongly trying to woo me and are very persuasive. If I were to go, this means I would go on the expenses of the private school  (making sure to have my return ticket extended for a few more days) spend two days there and then hop on over to the other school to attend its recruitment weekend. At the public school, I would probably stay with a current student and small expenses would be paid for, but I'll have traveled them on the expense of the private school. The two programs are very close and students take classes at both schools, either way, I'd be working with professors from both schools.

If I ended up at the public school, then would the private school think I only came to visit the other school on their expense? Like I mentioned before, I am leaning towards the public school, but can't be sure until I actually set foot in the schools and meet the professors and students.

Hope that wasn't too confusing :-)

[sugaree]

The two programs are very close and students take classes at both schools, either way, I'd be working with professors from both schools.

If I ended up at the public school, then would the private school think I only came to visit the other school on their expense? Like I mentioned before, I am leaning towards the public school, but can't be sure until I actually set foot in the schools and meet the professors and students.

Hope that wasn't too confusing :-)

You are overthinking this. If students take classes and work with professors at both schools, why WOULDN'T you check both campuses out? Plus, "recruitment weekend" is not some kind of jail sentence where you must only do what the private school says and go only where they "allow" you to go - they will want you to check out the area, and it sounds like the public school is in "the area" so you will check it out.

If you feel just too bad about this (and I wouldn't, but everyone has their own ethics compass), don't spend too much time at the public school. Rather than staying with a student there, can you go there for a day's events and find out many things you want to know about the program? Then, back to the private school and you can talk to folks there about how the 2 institutions work cooperatively?

[tommy_boy]

Although that professor might really want to work with you, s/he should understand if you decide to attended another school with a better program.  I selected the school I'm at now because the professors I'm working with are some of the best in the country for my field.  Before I selected this school, however, I was considering getting my M.A. where I got my undergrad.  Before I left, I had a meeting with the incoming faculty of my alma mater.  He plainly stated his position; he wanted me to stay there and help him and another incoming professor rebuild the program (they lost some key faculty members the previous two years).  He said that he and the other professor were relatively new to the field, but the professors where I am at currently are well-established and will be able to open more doors for me.  He's been right so far.  I have had several opportunities that I've taken that would not have been available to me had I stayed at my alma mater.

I have a tremendous amount of respect for him.  He knew that I had a better chance at my current school and would not (did not) fault me for choosing it, but he wasn't afraid to express his wishes for me staying there.