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[goingcrazy]

I had "suffered" a large letdown due to the fact that one of my committee members will not allow me to graduate in May. It will have to be August. This is what I consider a power move as he has done this before and it is just a matter of scheduling. In any event . . .

I have dealt with the issue and have moved on, but I feel enormously depressed and I have no idea why! Really, I have not felt like this in over a decade and I don't know how to shake it. In reality, I know that the situation is not that big of a deal. I have always been positive and motivated in my life. Now I just don't care about anything. What the heck is wrong with me?????? I really have a hard time getting out of bed in the morning! UGHHHHHH!

[tenured_feminist]

You are depressed because you have fetishized the defense. It's almost impossible not to do, but nonetheless should be minimized as much as you can.

The defense is not: a defining moment of who you are as a person, a measure of your worth as a scholar, the pinnacle of your graduate experience, a moment of transcendent transformation from student to full professional peer, or the sign of your ability to go out and do whatever you damn well please without ever having to look over your shoulder again.

The defense is a technical hurdle to be overcome. It's a rare opportunity to get several experts together to focus on you and your work. It's a chance to get advice on how to move a project forward from draft to publication. And it is an important step toward emerging as an independent scholar, though not the final one.

Wallow in disappointment for a bit longer, and then see if you can shake it off and get moving again. Hang in there -- you will make it, and in five years, those two months won't mean anything. On the contrary, if they enable you to come closer to exiting your program with something that you can publish, they will have been a real boon.

[thenight]

I agree with tenured feminist. I think the issue is still weighing on you and I think your being too hard on yourself. From your post, it seems that you wanted to walk in the traditional graduation month of May but now have to wait until August. I know it meant a lot to you, but I think you should take the viewpoint that you accomplished your goal. Getting your PhD is a big deal no matter what time of the year you receive it!

I understand what your feeling. Depression is a hard thing. It is a struggle to get out of bed. I believe this is just a temporary setback and you will be back to your old self very soon. Instead of looking at the negative aspects of your life at the moment, look at the positive; whether it be family, friends, your accomplishments up to this point (which are tremendous!), your professional achievements, your future goals that you will achieve, your favorite coffee (or alcohol drink), etc. Maybe taking the simple step of changing your perspective when you are feeling bad will help.

I hope you feel better!

[t_r_b]

One key question: for how long have you been feeling this way?

Transitional times are inherently stressful, and this is arguably the biggest transition time of your professional life. They also tend to bring up lots of long-buried baggage, which can mean insecurities, doubts, and fears about all sorts of aspects of your life reaching well beyond your dissertation. So yeah, a recipe for depression. On the bright side, this kind of crisis can also be an opportunity to clear out some old emotional clutter and better prepare yourself to be healthy and happy in your new life.

I'd start by focusing on the basics: get out of bed, eat a healthy diet, get moderate exercise, get out of the house and interact with others, do something for fun (in other words, set time aside in which you give yourself permission to have fun: procrastination time doesn't count). In other words, take good care of yourself even though your mind is telling you not to bother.

If you do all that for a week or so and are still depressed, or if you find that doing this stuff is beyond your capabilities, or if you feel better but are still concerned about underlying emotional issues, do not hesitate to get help from a mental health professional. I promise they will not lock you up and force feed you pills, but they will be able to give you a sense of the treatment options available, including both medication and therapy. If you've only been feeling this way for a week or so, and you're able to start doing some of the "healthy living" things I mentioned, then I doubt you'll need medication, but it's there if you do.

One thing to consider is that major depression tends to recur periodically, usually for a month or two at a time, with many months or even years in between relapses. So once you're through this bout, be on the lookout for trouble signs - and keeping up the healthy living stuff can do a lot to keep them at bay.

[plantscience]

You are depressed because you have fetishized the defense. It's almost impossible not to do, but nonetheless should be minimized as much as you can.

The defense is not: a defining moment of who you are as a person, a measure of your worth as a scholar, the pinnacle of your graduate experience, a moment of transcendent transformation from student to full professional peer, or the sign of your ability to go out and do whatever you damn well please without ever having to look over your shoulder again.

The defense is a technical hurdle to be overcome. It's a rare opportunity to get several experts together to focus on you and your work. It's a chance to get advice on how to move a project forward from draft to publication. And it is an important step toward emerging as an independent scholar, though not the final one.

Wallow in disappointment for a bit longer, and then see if you can shake it off and get moving again. Hang in there -- you will make it, and in five years, those two months won't mean anything. On the contrary, if they enable you to come closer to exiting your program with something that you can publish, they will have been a real boon.

It's academic hazing at it's finest.

"I survived, let's see if you can."

Actually, I was depressed after submitting the final version/edit of my dissertation to the thesis office....I was looking/searching/begging for something to do...I have been glued to the computer for so long, with so many deadlines, so much intense stress, that to have "nothing to do" was really unacceptable.

I've gotten over it. Really.

[goingcrazy]

Hey all. Thank you for your replies. At least I know that others have dealt with this during the transition between grad work and real life. My husband said that it was like getting out of jail and learning how to acclimate to the norms of society. How true!

As far as how long I have felt this way --- the answer is about 2 weeks. On the other hand, I used to suffer from bouts of depression over a decade ago so it sucks that I feel this way again. I thought that it was something that I would not have to deal with any longer.

Like plantscience, I knew that I would go a little bit crazy after the major parts of my writing were done BUT I feel like I cannot do enough. If I am not occupied every minute of the day then I become anxious! Not fun!

[mischt]

somehow depression and self-doubt seems to belong to the whole process pretty often.
I was completely unable to prepare at all for my defense until 8 am the morning of the defense itself. I had to give a 45 minute lecture on the dissertation and then answer questions. I was, for the first time in my life, completely blocked. But between 8am and 1pm somehow I wrote the thing and it all worked out fine.
Its like we suddenly see new hurdles, when we're almost finished. I did anyway.
all the best to you!
Mischt