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[carebearstare]

The ideal, career-boosting job came through at an esteemed R1 last week, and I couldn't have been more thrilled. The money is better than I could have hoped, the teaching is good, the colleagues are superb. I'm getting a lot of advice in the program I just completed that there's no looking back on an offer like this one.

And yet, SO and I just learned that his career might very well slow to a standstill in said location. We anticipated it might be tough, but doing research this weekend has made the prospects look dire. It's hard to explain, but basically the industry he is involved in can't really take flight there for a host of structural reasons. We stupidly didn't look into this before I applied. Now, we're not sure what to do. He's unwilling to live apart, and the new place is halfway across the country from where we are now, far from urban centers where there might be more opportunity. 

This is my first year on the job market, and I feel like I have handled this terribly. I applied widely, got an early offer which I basically turned down to wait for this, but now this "bush bird" seems to be, well, sickly. I have been totally depressed all day. I hate to think I'll have to be on the market again next year simply because of my poorly managed job search.

I just needed to vent. Thanks.

[msparticularity]

I'm so sorry! I personally know that even when we target a search carefully, there always seems to be some other factor lurking that we didn't think about, or didn't quite understand.

You didn't ask for advice, so feel free to skip this next part - I think I hear you saying that you've decided you have to turn this position down because your SO is unwilling to live apart, and that worries me for you. I don't know how the supply/demand ratio is in your field, but great offers are few and far between for most of us. As much as living apart can be very hard on a relationship, it's also terribly challenging to make a significant sacrifice for a relationship when it is done to please or placate the other person. It's just a huge burden, and the echoes of "I had to give up such-and-such incredible opportunity because you weren't willing..." can reverberate for years, decades, or forever.

Good luck - you are truly in a difficult situation, with some significant short-term challenges no matter how you decide to go.

[johnr]

You didn't mention, but is your new job a tenure-track, a post-doc, an adjunct, or something else? It may be relevant to the career/life changing discussion if we were to know if your job was permanent or temporary.

[carebearstare]

It's a tenure-track job. We're really trying to figure out some solution and be creative. But it's a struggle.
I appreciate the advice and welcome it if anyone has any to give.

[oseph]

Can your husband afford to take two years off from his career?  By this, I mean if he moves with you to the new location, and his career does begin moving towards a standstill, can he be somewhat out of the game for a couple of years and then jump back into it?  This of course depends on his occupation.  If so, this would allow you to take the job, publish and take advantage of the R1 prestige, and then if things are looking dire for your husband in two years' time, then you go back on the market and move (which you will be able to do with those articles and that R1 glow).  Unless your husband is so career-minded that he can't or won't risk a little break, then I think this would be a good compromise. 

[oseph]

And good luck!  My partner is being super flexible right now, with the understanding that if prospects don't look so good in a few years, I will be open to moving.  When you are married, the odds are that neither one of you will have a perfect career.  If it's a good marriage, you kind of just have to accept that.  But that doesn't mean that you both can't have good careers.  But both of you have to be willing to compromise.  When only one person compromises, that's when the problems start.  So again, good luck!