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[watermarkup]

“Keith Greene’s” second column on the topic of combining parenthood and graduate study really needs to end with the refrain from The Bike Lesson: “This is what you should not do. Now let this be a lesson to you.”

To be fair to Keith, a new history grad student, he’s done some things right so far:

• He didn’t go straight into grad school. He worked for five years in a lot of different places (and, we hope, saved up some cash along the way). So now he’s going for his Ph.D. because he knows what he wants to do, not because it’s just the next step after his B.A.
• That career experience will come in handy as a plan B, if his academic plans don’t work out.
• Keith is publishing. OK, that’s a little extreme for a first-semester grad student, but the intent is good. Keith wants to be a professional.
• He went for the Ivy program. A few years down the road, when he’s trying to land his first job, that will save him a few hours of staring into the darkness as he waits for the phone to ring.

But the rest is worthy of a Greek chorus who sees what Fate has in store for the hero.

If you’re considering parenthood in grad school, what should you never do? Let us count the examples from Keith. (Some of these may not apply to Keith for reasons unknown, like maybe he has a 7-figure trust fund. Some of these may not apply to you, either. But you might want to double-check your assumption that they don’t apply to you, like if your trust fund has recently been invested in AAA-rated real estate bonds.)

If you and your spouse are both planning on grad school, DON’T enroll in programs at widely separated campuses. Otherwise, you’ll probably need two cars, which will both have to be insured, maintained, and filled with gas. Commuting sucks time that you could be spending on either your studies or your kids. It will add to the stress level and leave the non-commuting spouse to deal with all emergencies. INSTEAD, enroll in programs on the same campus.

That prior career might be hurting Keith in some ways. It sounds like he’s still burdened by the assumptions that come with non-academic employment and the corresponding level of income. DON’T assume that your level of consumption as a grad student parent will remain similar to that of your friends. INSTEAD, start thinking like one of the working poor. Specifically...

DON’T get an expensive apartment. Two mall children DON’T need separate bedrooms. INSTEAD, spend less by getting a two-bedroom apartment. Maybe your university’s family housing was built in the 1950s to house GIs—but it’s probably cheap. Look into it.

DON’T, DON’T, for the love of all that is holy, just DON’T hire a nanny. Every cent of her salary adds to your debt. Compound interest doesn’t sleep, which means that you will be paying her salary until your student loans are paid off. DON’T spend more for childcare than on rent. In fact, now that you and your spouse are in grad school, you’ve got to lose the assumption that childcare is a service that one pays for, rather than something one does. INSTEAD, pass the baby back and forth with your spouse between classes (if you’re on the same campus). Read journal articles to your kids at home. Trade babysitting with other parents. Limit paying for childcare to those times when you and your spouse have to be in class at the same time.

DON’T get a dog. Graduate study, kids, and dogs all require lots of time and energy. Pick the two that are most important to you. I realize that people make irrational choices concerning pets, but people also make irrational choices about kids. As a grad-school parent, you’ve got to limit your irrational choices. Housing dogs is expensive. Feeding dogs is expensive. What’s worse, you don’t get tax credits for them, and they don’t count towards qualifying for Medicaid. INSTEAD of getting a dog, invest your energy in your grad program or in your kids.

Something else to think about. Maybe, just maybe, DON’T automatically opt for the Ivy program in an expensive part of the country. INSTEAD, think about those flagship state universities in the Midwest, with programs that are in many cases equally good, but without the long commutes and expensive housing. There will be sleepless hours when you wonder if you should have gone for the Ivy when you’re trying to land your first job, but there may be fewer sleepless nights as you worry about the growing mountain of debt. There are some nasty trade-offs involved, but having kids might tip you towards one rather than the other. Or not.

DON’T say yes to mountains of debt, like Keith Greene did. When you graduate, that debt will force you to do things you don’t want to do (like go back to the Plan B career, just to have enough income to make the monthly debt payment) and keep you from doing things you really want to do (like accept a great visiting position or even a first tenure-track job that doesn’t pay enough to cover the monthly debt payment). If your dream is an academic career, debt can keep you from achieving it. Also, debt can put a lot of stress on a marriage. INSTEAD, live within your means as best you can and keep debt to a minimum.

And, please, DON’T even think about looking down on the government programs other parents use. You may have the perfect plan for how you will be independent, self-reliant, and beholden to no one as a grad student parent, but a lot of things can happen INSTEAD. Your spouse might get ill and be unable to finish that M.A. or return to a previous career. A bureaucratic oversight might reduce your assistantship for a semester. Your kid might need expensive glasses, or expensive surgery. When that moment comes, you’ll be glad that there’s WIC, SCHIP, and other programs that will help you attain your career goals and feed your family without assuming a crushing load of debt.

[wildwest]

You are perhaps a little harsh on Keith Greene, but you do have some excellent points.  I am continually astonished at how much it costs to live--to just eat and put a roof over one's head.

I have a question to other posters:  how much, exactly, do you say is costs to have one child?  I don't want any extreme numbers (like, it costs $100,000 through age 18).  And I'm not interested in daycare costs, as I pretty much know what those are.  And I know what it costs to actually have the baby (i.e. hospital, delivery, etc.).  What I want to know is (preferably from graduate school parents or new faculty parents on a budget):

In the first year of the baby's life, how much extra per month do you spend at the grocery story for things like formula, bottle, diapers, etc. 
In addition to that, how much extra do you spend in that first year for things like doctor's visits?
What about clothes?  I'm assuming one can make do with cheapies from WalMart (albeit cringing at the thought of sweat shops)?
Do you end up buying a lot of crap like fancy strollers, car seats, etc., or is all of that manageable?

Is it possible to have a baby "simply" and "cheaply" and not buy into the consumer culture of designer baby stuff and new, expensive methods of child-rearing?

I would like an answer taking into account a "normal," "healthy" child--an assumption that the child has no difficult health issues requiring more expensive or extreme care.

My motivation for asking:  everyone says, "if you wait until you can afford to have a child, you never will."  The problem is, if I can't afford it, I really cannot afford it, period--even though my age is increasing.

Thanks!

[scarletbegonia]

I have a question to other posters:  how much, exactly, do you say is costs to have one child?  I don't want any extreme numbers (like, it costs $100,000 through age 18).  And I'm not interested in daycare costs, as I pretty much know what those are.  And I know what it costs to actually have the baby (i.e. hospital, delivery, etc.).  What I want to know is (preferably from graduate school parents or new faculty parents on a budget):

In the first year of the baby's life, how much extra per month do you spend at the grocery story for things like formula, bottle, diapers, etc. 
In addition to that, how much extra do you spend in that first year for things like doctor's visits?
What about clothes?  I'm assuming one can make do with cheapies from WalMart (albeit cringing at the thought of sweat shops)?
Do you end up buying a lot of crap like fancy strollers, car seats, etc., or is all of that manageable?

Is it possible to have a baby "simply" and "cheaply" and not buy into the consumer culture of designer baby stuff and new, expensive methods of child-rearing?

Babies are not cheap, in part because you can't predict their costs, even if they are "normal" and "healthy." For example, I nursed my child, which I thought would be cheaper. Two pumps and $150 later, it was still cheaper but then the doctors decided my child was not getting enough nutrition and I had to supplement with formula anyway. The $150 did not include things like pads to make sure I didn't leak when out and about, nursing bras, cream to prevent chapping, bottle liners, etc. It's also hard to say because babies eating habits change from month to month, particularly in the first year.

I thought clothing was cheap and then realized that unlike me, my child's entire wardrobe had to be replaced every 2 - 3 months, quicker if there was a change in seasons. And she went through 4 outfits at a minimum and I didn't have the time or energy to do laundry every day. My daughter also has extremely wide feet and we could only find shoes at stores where the minimum price was $40 - $50. She outgrew those every 2 - 3 months too (and still does). Do you have to buy expensive items like fancy strollers? No, but you will need things like a car seat, crib, stroller, etc. and those things aren't cheap.

I would say if you figure in all of the clothes, food, and large ticket items that we bought before she was born, we spent at least $10K the first year without adding in any day care or medical expenses. And that was with making good use of sales, coupons and used clothing.

[wildwest]

Wow!  10K in just the first year!  You've got to be kidding me!  Add daycare to that, and you are looking at 20K for the first year minimum.  That is over 2/3 of my take-home pay.  There is no way that the average American family can afford that, especially the "working poor."     

There must be an easier way.  I refuse to believe that one needs to go into substantial debt just to have children. 

How can any academic in the humanities, much less a graduate student, afford this?  I really wonder, as I know of male graduate students at my university with three kids and stay-at-home wives.  I also know how little yearly TA/fellowship stipends are, and how little these student earn additionally through adjuncting.

Another reason why I frequent the "Leaving Academia" column.
     

[gayle]

Keep in mind what you need to have vs what society makes you think you need to have. 

Maybe this is an extreme example, but it makes my point.  You don't need a crib when the baby is born.  Until they can roll over a few months down the road, they will be perfectly safe in a padded dresser drawer.  (Out of the dresser obviously!)  This is what my grandma did when she would visit relatives with her infant children.

Eventually they will get mobile and you will need one safe place to leave the child unattended.  You can use the playpen as a crib or vice versa, you don't need both.  It's *nice* to have both, but not necessary. 

You can change diapers on your bed or the floor.  A changing table is not a necessity.

Buy clothes at second hand shops.  $4 a piece at walmart may be cheap, but 50 cents is cheaper.

The big fancy strollers are nice, but unless you have to take long walks with baby frequently, you can get by with a cheap umbrella stroller.

Kids don't need lots of toys and developmental crap.  An infant needs a rattle and one plush toy.  Once they get older, a couple special items and a library card.  And your time.

If you have a child and are making $30K, you likely qualify for WIC, food stamps and likely other benefits.  Don't be too proud to take them.

I ain't saying it'll be easy, but obviously, lots of people do raise their kids on less money.  And most of those kids do turn out just fine without all the extras we think they need.  If you really truly want a child, and are willing to give up all your own luxuries and work hard, you can do it.  Child bearing should not be an option only for the rich, and it sounds like you would have a lot to offer a child.



Oh, and do not skimp on the car seat.  That's where I draw the line.  However, some community fire and police depts have programs that give them away to low income families. 

[wildwest]

gayle,

Thanks for your perspective!  I was hoping that things could be as "simple" as you portray.  I wouldn't be a single parent, but my spouse is the graduate student and, while he does bring in some income during the year, I would probably be primary earner as well as primary care giver (just because I want to give him as much time as possible to study so that he can graduate, get out of here, and he can hopefully get a "real" salary).  We budget absolutely every penny and are frugal when it comes to food, lifestyle, etc.  We can't wait too much longer to try for a child due to my age (late 30s).

I will look into WIC, and I know that it is accepted at our farrmer's markets in the summer.  I have seen other women my age (grad student spouses and working moms) using the vouchers.  I plan on keeping the "stuff" simple--besides, we have a small apartment and plan on staying there until spouse graduates and gets job.  We just don't have room for a lot of stuff.

I watched my younger sister go nuts when she had a baby--the $1000 crib from Italy (that eventually converts into a double-bed, but never mind), the Ralph Lauren sheet set, dust ruffle, and bolsters for the crib (to the tune of about $400), the fancy stroller, the designer baby clothes.  And she was married to a grad student spouse too at the time and was only working part-time herself.    Of course, my sister's in-laws bail them out whenever there is a money crisis.  My spouse and I don't have that option from either of our parents. 

I can't imagine doing all of this if I were not finished with my graduate program and we were both in school.  Keith Greene's story seems just so overwhelming.

But, thanks again, for the ideas.

[scarletbegonia]

Keep in mind what you need to have vs what society makes you think you need to have. 

Maybe this is an extreme example, but it makes my point.  You don't need a crib when the baby is born.  Until they can roll over a few months down the road, they will be perfectly safe in a padded dresser drawer.  (Out of the dresser obviously!)  This is what my grandma did when she would visit relatives with her infant children.
 

Yes, but she asked about costs for the first year. A crib (or playpen) is a necessary cost for the first year.

[collegekidsmom]

i agree with gayle. I nursed my kids and didn't buy and food or formula for 6 months. Not always easy, but doable. Luckily, my kids were healthy so there was no expense there. I bought cloth diapers and covers for my first and used the same ones again(plus a few more) for my second. I washed them in the washer. I just gave all the diapers and covers away to someone else who will now have dozens of great diapers and covers free. The cost is hot water and time in the dryer.

I made all my own baby food, and a local farmers' market knew that I would take "ripe" fruit and would give me fresh baskets of peaches, a big squash, etc. which made a lot of baby food. I ground up rice, and oatmeal and all that. Really cheap. I didn't buy any equipment really-yes-I agree with Gayle-I had the best car seat. A lot of people gave me all kinds of baby clothes-all the adorable stuff from their grandmas that was only worn once or twice. Plenty of people have baby clothes around, and lots of Salvation Army stores, consignment shops, and rummage sales in ritzy towns have all the clothes, coats, etc.

You can forego fancy trips to hotels, and just do more simple kinds of traveling- or just live in a place with all kinds of room to enjoy the outdoors, etc. Libraries have all the books, and even passes to museums, concerts, etc. to borrow.

I also bought a good modern crib so it would be safe, but it would be fine to let the kids sleep in your bed if that works for you. Really the only equipment that I absolutely needed was a frontpack and for me, a backpack. I always had a child on me. I used a stroller for walking with more than one kid outside. I found a brand new Aprica stroller in someone's trash-perfectly fine- so that was good.

If you work out your schedules, you may not need day care.  I didn't buy electronics, and my kids read books. They played a lot outside. You don't need TV-any of that stuff if  you don't want. It depends how you want to do it-you certainly don't need as much as they say. You do need time and patience in huge measure, and you do need to devote part of your life. It works out best if you can be a parent in the way that suits your family's lifestyle. If you are able already to live with less, you will find ways to do it with kids too. If you find your tastes more expensive, then it would be difficult maybe to cut way back.

If my kids needed a free college education, and we wanted to use that option, my uni provides that too. That was part of my planning for kids-looking for colleges that offered the free ride for children of faculty.

However, as other posters have said, expenses can come up if there are health problems or other needs that can't be anticipated. You just can't know everything beforehand. Also, if you are single and need to work full-time or more, there will be more day care expense obviously.

[balancing_act]

I did pretty much what collegekidsmom did. I nursed, used cloth diapers, never bought baby food, I made it instead because its so easy to do. I had no cribs, strollers, or playpens. My only real "baby equipment" were car seats and a sling.

http://www.babyholder.com/

I could do everything with the sling. Baby slept and nursed in it, we did chores together and shopped together, all in the sling.

I'm in graduate school now, while my 3 kids are in elementary school and we like to say that we're all in school together. It can be hard-- they need attention and so does my thesis. But I have certainly learned how to structure my time so that I can get it all done.

Good luck. I would say that to be successful, find ways to budget your time.

[sunnyday]

You are perhaps a little harsh on Keith Greene, but you do have some excellent points.  I am continually astonished at how much it costs to live--to just eat and put a roof over one's head.

I have a question to other posters:  how much, exactly, do you say is costs to have one child?  I don't want any extreme numbers (like, it costs $100,000 through age 18).  And I'm not interested in daycare costs, as I pretty much know what those are.  And I know what it costs to actually have the baby (i.e. hospital, delivery, etc.).  What I want to know is (preferably from graduate school parents or new faculty parents on a budget):

In the first year of the baby's life, how much extra per month do you spend at the grocery story for things like formula, bottle, diapers, etc. 
In addition to that, how much extra do you spend in that first year for things like doctor's visits?
What about clothes?  I'm assuming one can make do with cheapies from WalMart (albeit cringing at the thought of sweat shops)?
Do you end up buying a lot of crap like fancy strollers, car seats, etc., or is all of that manageable?

Is it possible to have a baby "simply" and "cheaply" and not buy into the consumer culture of designer baby stuff and new, expensive methods of child-rearing?

I would like an answer taking into account a "normal," "healthy" child--an assumption that the child has no difficult health issues requiring more expensive or extreme care.

My motivation for asking:  everyone says, "if you wait until you can afford to have a child, you never will."  The problem is, if I can't afford it, I really cannot afford it, period--even though my age is increasing.

Thanks!

I spend about $75/month on formula, maybe more.  If you use formula, go to their website the print coupons or sign up to have them mailed to you.  I realize that breastfeeding is the "best" and cheapest way to feed an infant, but it just isn't an option for some people (health issues, adoption, etc., etc.).
As for clothing, most of the things we use are being loaned to us by others who have slightly older children.  Also, you can look for clothing at second hand shops.  Babies don't wear stuff for more than 2 or 3 months, so they are still in very good shape after the first or second kid.
Even if you hate baby showers, consider having one if someone offers.  Register for everything you need, including items for a 6 months + baby.

Best of luck to you!

[samspade]

I would argue that the biggest don't is do not get divorced. As expensive as children are, child support is even more so. And if you have a crappy divorce lawyer (I had the worst-I defended myself) you will learn how to juggle several adjuncting jobs.

[mimi1]

I feel that we had our baby pretty cheaply this last time around.  We had a few nice gifts - crib, bassinet/playpen combo, baby monitor (but just one with sound, nothing fancy).  One of our baby showers was simply a diaper shower - we didn't have to buy diapers for months.  We splurged and bought two new car seats, one for each car.  Borrowed some nice toys/play mats and dresser from a friend.  The other stuff, I garage saled for and I am not ashamed of it!  :)  Found a $250 dollar stroller for $45.  That is where I buy and have bought the majority of my children's clothing (at least until a certain size, when it becomes harder to find).  I would scope out the sales in the *nice* neighborhoods and find great deals - Gap dresses for $2-4 or something like that, cute onesies for 25 cents, etc.  In the summer, we had a few nice outfits for my son and then he lived in onesies, which I think would have to be the greatest invention ever (comfy!) for a child in the summer heat.  I have never been one to have tons of shoes for my children, either.  We just did a couple of pairs (one nice, one every day) and the rest of the time let them go barefoot!  Baby toes are cute!

We also didn't/don't buy our kids lots of toys.  We just don't do it.  They get bored with them anyway, after a while.  They have a few favorites and we cycled them in and out of playtime.  One of my son's favorite past-times was watching his dad "pop" the lid off of an empty Pringles can.  Hours of fun there. lol.   

However, we did bottle feed, which drove our costs up.    I would say in general, we spent about $120-150 a month on food, about $80 a month on diapers.  Just for good measure I would throw in another $50-60 a month on supplies such as wipes, baby spoons, etc.  (We did have daycare, which was a necessity for us.) 

It is possible to go cheaply, but babies are definitely expensive.  However, we looked at it this way, also - our lifestyle changed after the baby.  We didn't eat out nearly as much, haven't been to a movie in a long, long, long time (which we used to do regularly).  Much of the $ we spend in entertainment has been re-routed, which is just fine with us. 

[hollow_man]

This is not that complicated -- just take turns going to school. If you're both smart enough to go to grad school, you're both smart enough to find decent work. And one salary plus a stipend is enough to live on nearly anywhere.

We live in one of the largest cities in the country, we bought a house (and two cars!), had a kid, have a nanny (not for long, kid is about to start all-day daycare). I couldn't tell you how much all his costs precisely. Spouse's salary and my stipend and odd jobs covers it.

Spouse is not a lawyer or doctor -- the job is squarely middle class. But it works. The error is trying to both try to go to school at the same time.

[thora]

My husband is in a master's degree currently, and in the process of hearing back from Phd programs for next year (in the Humanities).  We have a two year old, and I'm expecting our second daughter.  Although currently we are going into student loan debt for the opportunity of attending Oxford, in undergraduate and planned for doctoral (we're assuming he'll get a stipend, tuition waiver and healthcare) we lived and will live without student loans. 

I nursed our daughter, and am planning on nursing this next one.  Although I would prefer the option of having private insurance, we do use Medicaid while in the states.  This pays for our daughter's health care, and all of pregnancy and delivery for the next (were we in America currently).  I never bought any baby food, nor did I spend hours making my own.  Our daughter began eating mushed up versions of whatever we ate, along with baby cereal provided by WIC. 

We bought all of our baby equipment used, and grandparents bought many things as gifts (not an option for everyone, I know), but even these gifts were used.  For baby equipment we had a changing table, crib, dresser, stroller, baby sling, and a carseat (this you shouldn't buy used, but there are still cheap yet safe carseats, for around $40).  Her clothing comes completely from hand-me-downs, gifts, baby showers, etc.  We do spend about $35 dollars a month on diapers.  I find that buying a Costco membership, and then getting the bulk generic brand diapers there ends up saving more than buying in grocery stores.  She has plenty of toys, once again from birthdays, gifts, Christmas, the occasional one we buy. 

The real reason we can afford children in graduate school is that I'm a stay at home mom; we have no childcare costs, and no extra tuition/fees/etc for my schooling (I did complete a Bachelor's degree early in our marriage, but before our daughter was born).  Also, we don't eat out almost at all, we don't buy ourselves new clothing, we have only one car and drive it minimally by living close to campus so my husband walks or rides a bike to school.  We live in on campus married housing, which has cheaper rental rates than off campus (for our undergraduate at least, and also for the doctoral school he's been admitted to thus far). 

During the final year of his undergraduate schooling, I did work full time as a babysitter to make ends meet (I took my daughter with me to their house every day).  During Graduate school we shouldn't even need to have me babysit on the side. 

I realize that this may sound like we live in the depths of poverty, but most of the time I feel as if we are living quite comfortably; we eat well, we have quite an active social life with friends, my husband has time for his schooling, part-time work and studying, as well as a good amount of family time, and our child doesn't interfere with graduate school life really at all.  Of course, I stress once again that's because, unlike with Keith Greene's article, we're not both pursuing separate degrees at separate schools with the associated lack of time, resources, etc.

[wildwest]

Wow!  Thanks everyone, sooo much!  This is helpful, and many of these posts are encouraging.

Right now, spouse and I live quite frugally (one car and we commute together to our university--only about 10 minutes; don't eat out; buy very little clothing and on sale; get our entertainment in the form of books and videos from the local library, etc.).  But there are always a few areas in which we could scale down for a time.  For example, we do contribute faithfully to our retirement funds, and we could decrease those contributions if needed (although I know some posters will say, "don't do it!).  Some might call us hippies--we don't have a tv, no cell phones, no fancy technical stuff like i-pods, we eat fresh food and no packaged, I cook most things from scratch.  I'm optimistic that things will work out and we will be able to manage.   

I can't imagine hiring a nanny--I see huge dollar signs when I think of that.  A few of the other graduate student spouses (who are stay-at-home moms) are making some extra money by babysitting in their homes.  There are also churches in the area that offer child care.  I plan on using these options, along with my students.  I work with a lot of young female college students who are majoring in child development kinds of fields and who love spending time with kids.  A friend of mine has students babysit and keeps the hourly wage low by giving them free access to the washing machine and dryer.

Yes, I'm so grateful that I finished my doctorate quite a few years ago and have a decent administrative position now (poor salary but good benefits and lots of time off).  So we are just waiting for my spouse to finish.  We're looking at about two more years.  It has been a change though!  We moved from a large city where we both had fantastic salaries to a small town with limited opportunity and one income.  But I can't imagine what it would be like if we were both pursuing graduate programs at the same time.  When I think of how difficult that would be, I have no right to whine.  :-)